Thinking about my MIL - curious
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 36
Thinking about my MIL - curious
I'm not sure where to put this question...I'm just looking for some insight into my MIL.
My father-in-law was an alcoholic for many years while my H was growing up. He and my MIL remind me of an extreme Archie and Edith Bunker.
When I first met my H, I really liked MIL. She seemed friendly and nice. After we got married I started to notice some weird little things...cutting little put-downs, that sort of thing. I ignored it.
Then she started to tell people that I hated her. I felt terrible about this, but didn't know what to do. As an example, one year we bought her a folk-art print of a Halloween scene with a witch on it. (MIL had picked it out herself, we just bought it for her) The next time we visited, during a family gathering, MIL was showing the print to her relatives and said, "Marigolds bought that for me because she thinks I'm a witch." Nobody laughed, it was really awkward. She has told her friends (who have told me) that we don't visit much because I hate her. Maybe it's easier for her to think that, instead of the truth, we don't visit much because my H doesn't want to.
Anyway, I'm still new-ish to al-anon and wonder why my MIL is like this. I used to feel so bad for her putting up with FIL's abuse for years, but I am starting to hate her. Is this typical ACOA family stuff? Anybody else have a MIL like this? Do I confront her on this or just leave it alone?
My father-in-law was an alcoholic for many years while my H was growing up. He and my MIL remind me of an extreme Archie and Edith Bunker.
When I first met my H, I really liked MIL. She seemed friendly and nice. After we got married I started to notice some weird little things...cutting little put-downs, that sort of thing. I ignored it.
Then she started to tell people that I hated her. I felt terrible about this, but didn't know what to do. As an example, one year we bought her a folk-art print of a Halloween scene with a witch on it. (MIL had picked it out herself, we just bought it for her) The next time we visited, during a family gathering, MIL was showing the print to her relatives and said, "Marigolds bought that for me because she thinks I'm a witch." Nobody laughed, it was really awkward. She has told her friends (who have told me) that we don't visit much because I hate her. Maybe it's easier for her to think that, instead of the truth, we don't visit much because my H doesn't want to.
Anyway, I'm still new-ish to al-anon and wonder why my MIL is like this. I used to feel so bad for her putting up with FIL's abuse for years, but I am starting to hate her. Is this typical ACOA family stuff? Anybody else have a MIL like this? Do I confront her on this or just leave it alone?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
You might start defending yourself when she does these little put-downs. Bullies often back off when this happens. It's no fun to bully someone who won't accept it.
"Geeze, MIL what the heck are you talking about? You picked out this print yourself when we were shopping at the mall. Believe me if I thought you were a witch, I'd tell you to your face."
If this is how MIL treats her son's wife, I understand why he doesn't visit often. Sounds like an unhappy, angry woman to me.
"Geeze, MIL what the heck are you talking about? You picked out this print yourself when we were shopping at the mall. Believe me if I thought you were a witch, I'd tell you to your face."
If this is how MIL treats her son's wife, I understand why he doesn't visit often. Sounds like an unhappy, angry woman to me.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
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I feel bad for her. She probably was really nice, genuinely nice at one time, but the toxicity has poisoned her, I suspect. I wouldn't give it a second thought. Perhaps she's projecting what her abusive husband has been telling her.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
My MIL is a really complex mass of contradictions.
She spent years being very supportive while A was active and very terrible. He spent the majority of those years out of the home and she helped w our son, etc.
The whole family is oddly narcissistic and self aggrandizing(sp?).
She is funny and childlike at times.
She is also abrasive and intolerant.
When my A got sober she just went MIA until one day she facebooked me publicly attacking me and my choices in dealing w him.
She accused me of untrue things, and when I defended myself successfully she went super low-blow, bringing up some childhood abuse I survived.
She is a person who is no longer on my list of safe people.
I told her I would not stand for that treatment, and went on being minimally civil at family functions, etc.
She was most certainly projecting.
She spent years being very supportive while A was active and very terrible. He spent the majority of those years out of the home and she helped w our son, etc.
The whole family is oddly narcissistic and self aggrandizing(sp?).
She is funny and childlike at times.
She is also abrasive and intolerant.
When my A got sober she just went MIA until one day she facebooked me publicly attacking me and my choices in dealing w him.
She accused me of untrue things, and when I defended myself successfully she went super low-blow, bringing up some childhood abuse I survived.
She is a person who is no longer on my list of safe people.
I told her I would not stand for that treatment, and went on being minimally civil at family functions, etc.
She was most certainly projecting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 36
Thanks for the insights...my MIL is the most confusing person I've ever encountered. My own mom is no charmer either, and she'll just come out and say whatever is on her mind, it's almost easier to deal with than wondering what MIL really means whenever she says anything.
I want to be kind and nice to her, but I think MIL wanted a lot more out of our relationship than I felt comfortable with - it seemed like she wanted to best buddies, and I just couldn't do it. She'd want to girly talk about her and FIL's sex life, that sort of thing. The first ten years of our marriage she bombarded us with baby blankets and accessories - and no, we don't even have children!!! I am sure I have disappointed her there. Even H knows if you give an inch, she wants a mile.
I know I can't change her, just wish I knew how to deal with it better!
I want to be kind and nice to her, but I think MIL wanted a lot more out of our relationship than I felt comfortable with - it seemed like she wanted to best buddies, and I just couldn't do it. She'd want to girly talk about her and FIL's sex life, that sort of thing. The first ten years of our marriage she bombarded us with baby blankets and accessories - and no, we don't even have children!!! I am sure I have disappointed her there. Even H knows if you give an inch, she wants a mile.
I know I can't change her, just wish I knew how to deal with it better!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
IME weird, passive aggressive, odd things like that are typical when their are generations of unrecognized co-dependency, alcoholism, or acoa stuff. It is so sad and probably doesn't really have much to do with you. I have someone that I'm actually quite close to that does some weird stuff like that to me and others. I have heard her talk about others and I have come to recognize that it is hardly ever about them (or then me). It is all co-dependent traits and other things triggered by internal ways she thinks about herself and projects onto others. It gets worse as people get older IME. A cousin and I have a pact that we will tell each other if one of us starts to go off the crazy ledge because it seems like all the women in this family get there eventually.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
A cousin and I have a pact that we will tell each other if one of us starts to go off the crazy ledge because it seems like all the women in this family get there eventually.
EEK!
Alright Beth, breathe deeply, relax.
Ahhhhhh.
Beth
(still inside, but looking at the ledge)
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
Several things come to mind. She is jealous of the relationship you have with her son. She feels you took him away and left her with her AH. She needs reaffirmation that you both love her because she does not get that at home. Sometimes when people put themselves down it is so others will say "Oh no that is not true." Does your husband not want to visit because of his dad? Is it possible to take her out on her own to enjoy things without him? I think you should be honest that those comments upset you even if they are said joking around. And I imagine that living with her AH has left her an angry hurt person so she is lashing out. I'd say kill her with kindness. It may take a while. I think sometimes people do that because it is how they always interact with people and expect people to move away even though that is not what they really want. Prove her wrong and offer her the support she does not even realize she wants or needs.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yuck. She sounds toxic. I stay away from toxic people because I am affected by them too much. It doesn't matter why they are toxic, or what anyone thinks they need to become non-toxic, I avoid them like the plague. Sounds extreme but I have to protect myself from what I know hurts me or makes my life chaotic, confusing, or problematic. I don't have time to waste figuring out why someone treats me badly. I'm done with people who treat me badly; I don't care if they're the Queen of England.
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