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Thought it wouldn't bother me but it did?

Old 02-17-2011, 07:09 AM
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Thought it wouldn't bother me but it did?

Hello everyone,
So i moved out of the house 6 months ago, and the divorce is in the final stages. We are getting along wonderfully, because he had an accident where he could have died and i realized it was time to stop being angry. To make a long story short, I'm dating someone who is kind and wonderful and everything i wanted my STBXAH to be. It's going great. Today my friend found on facebook that my ex is dating someone, and there are pictures of them looking all happy, and comments that he makes her so happy, he's so kind, and makes her laugh.

It bothered me and i can't quite figure out why. It makes me a little jealous that he's treating her the way he would no longer treat me, even though he claimed to love me. I don't think my daughter has been around her yet, so i'm not worried about that. but why am i so bothered by it today? I have no room to get mad, I've moved onto a new relationship, why can't he? I don't know, i guess I'm just a little jealous of her, getting the man i wanted. However, she has two grown kids and will go to the bar and party with him, which i had outgrown wanting to do. I know a time will come if she is smart at all that she will see that he has a drinking problem, unless she does too, in that case they are perfect for eachother.

Thanks for listening, I just need to vent and get my feelings out. In the past when i've posted everyone's comments were so incredibly helpful. I know I will get thru this rough day, but right now i just want to go back to my blissfullness i felt yesterday when i didn't know.
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Old 02-17-2011, 07:38 AM
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Just from my experience I have learned that ~

"just because it says it on Facebook doesn't necessarily make it truth"

and may I also ask - how long did you pretend in your marriage that everything was wonderful, happy and great to the outside world when it really wasn't?

I know for me personally - I gave a great act to my friends and family that all was pretty good between my ex ah & I when we were married - so did he! When in public you would have thought we were the happiest couple ever ~ then as soon as we were behind closed doors - he went to his side of the house so that he could use his DOC & I went to mine to cry & pray for my life to be over; we hardly ever spoke again until it was time to face the outside world.

Just because someone says it doesn't make it true.

So Fighter, take good care of you and I pray your serenity and peacefulness returns soon!

PINK HUGS to you!
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Old 02-17-2011, 08:16 AM
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I know I will get thru this rough day, but right now i just want to go back to my blissfullness i felt yesterday when i didn't know.
Yes, I do understand feeling this way.
Hmmm, I wonder if you think about it, has anything really changed between you and your soon to be ex husband?
I started to get jealous when I realized my ex was seeing someone else, because I forgot who he was. I was also jealous and mad that my ex had found someone to take care of the kids while he continued to do his "thing."
I was sober, how dare he continue? lol
Then, I talked to her and allayed my fears about her watching the kids, and figured out they were better off with a sober woman with a child my son's age than they were being dumped at whatever relative would take them.

I guess I am trying to say, remember your bliss, you have what you have now.
He is still the person you divorced, just getting along better now because of his near death experience and your ability to let go.

You have let go before, dont start that mess up again!



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Old 02-17-2011, 08:43 AM
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I'm new so I may or may not be on target but I know it would bother me to some degree.

But for me...
It would be about why couldn't he treat me that way? why does she get the "good stuff" and I had to deal w/ all the bad.
I guess it would be grieving over what I believed 'could' have been.

BUT...it is facebook. Let's keep it in perspective. No one goes on FB and says..." I'm a raging A and just lost my 9th job in 12 mos, my kids are afraid of me and my ex has a protective order against me".
nu uh!
they paint an unrealistic picture of their life and how wonderful it is. I think we all do to some extent. I'm not going to go report that my RAH is a complete $%^&* to me 98% of the time. It's my own shame that keeps that secret.
It's very much why battered women hide the fact they are battered. The shame the abuse causes. I think living w/ an A spouse is very much like that. We hide the things that we don't want people to see. We clean up their messes and try to keep control of the chaos so no one knows.
I always get so mad when I watch those true crime tv shows that have the woman up on the stand revealing the abuse she's suffered for YEARS...and they say "but you didn't report it", "you told NO ONE, yet we are expected to believe this happened".
Uh YEAH! It's a secret...just like our A drinking is. We hide it. We deny it. We don't need or want to hear people gossip about us, or ask "why don't you leave?".
It's not that easy.
I recently had a conversation w/ a childhood friend who asked me "does your dad still drink?" I $%^& near fell on the floor. I thought we hid it well. But I felt that old shame creep back. the OMG she knows feeling.... too bad I hadn't realized it before, maybe I could have asked for some help back then and wouldn't have married an A too.
Shame is a horrible and distructive emotion, at least in my world it is.
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Old 02-17-2011, 08:54 AM
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They're DATING! Dating, by definition, is a big huge misleading marketing campaign. My RAXH even admitted that he was hiding most of his "normal" self while we were dating because he said he realized that if I knew how crazy he was, I wouldn't have married him.

Of course it bothers you, and of course you think "what does she have that I don't?" -- but the real question is the opposite: What do you have that she doesn't? And the answer is? Experience of his true self. And she'll get that. And stop smiling.
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Old 02-17-2011, 09:05 AM
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Ahhh, that reminds me of a used car story.

Guy has a really crappy car. I mean crappy. Hard to start, dies, rattles, squeaks, doesn't stop well. Misses. The whole enchilada of car woes. It basically suffers from years of abuse.

So he decides to get rid of it. He cleans it up, sinks a little money in it. Just enough to cover up the issues. Just barely the money needed. Nothing extra. Washes it, vacuums out all the crap. He goes to the discount auto parts place and buys some cheap parts. The old turd is polished up nicely now. And he puts an add on Craigslist.

It doesn't take long until some unsuspecting person comes by and really likes the car. They aren't experienced enough to see the tell tale signs of abuse and what might lay ahead. But an experienced gear head (like myself) would see through it immediately and walk away.

So this person buys the car and drives away all smiles. And they are seen for the next few weeks driving around with the top down, stereo blaring, and big grin on their face. But it won't be too much longer and this old crate is going to leave her on the side of the road with a smoking radiator or worse.

Seeing a new person behind the wheel of the old heap brought a pang of jealousy to the previous owner, no doubt. But deep down, he knew it was time to let someone else deal with the "issues". So long old heap. No regrets.
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Old 02-17-2011, 09:12 AM
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Wow, you guys are so amazing, I feel like you've talked me off the ledge so to speak and I'm already feeling soooo much better. Thank you!
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Old 02-17-2011, 09:25 AM
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facebook is the devil incarnate!

Everybody who has an ex on facebook should never visit their page!

I've heard this story a million times over!

Funny how we work psychologically. I can date new guys. I could post pretty pictures. If the ex does, and I saw them, I would go into a jealous rage.
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Old 02-17-2011, 10:14 AM
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I wasn't on his face book page, my friend was. But either way, i live in a town of 1000 people in which he is a minor celebrity (seriously), so i would have heard about it anyway. I openly told him about my new relationship and he didn't say anything, so it just sort of blind sided me.
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