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Told my mom about RAH decision to leave me.

Old 02-16-2011, 09:03 PM
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Told my mom about RAH decision to leave me.

This has been are really hard secret to keep. I was afraid to tell my mom until I was really adjusted and had a plan and felt like I was back in control of how I feel and was able to cope appropriately. She’s 100% supportive of me ALL the time. But for her..watching me being destroyed by my relationship is just too hard. She was married to my A dad for over 20 yrs when he did the exact same thing. My dad never found recovery, but my mom did. She married a wonderful man a few yrs back and that give me hope for myself down the road. She told me awhile back that it was hard enough for her to live life as a spouse of an A but then to have to watch me be hurt in the same ways was almost too much to bear…so I’m careful about what I tell her. Ijust felt I was lying to her and I needed her to know that I’m really okay. So I shared what was going on.
She knows what a manipulating SOB my RAH was, and now that he’s reversed back to that person after 7 mos of recovery wel, it’s disappointing.
I go to school full time. I’m going to be a Nurse…so I study A LOT but ya’ll know those A.
You know it has to be all about them.
When it's not...they find a drama or trauma to CREATE chaos to bring it back to being all about them.
I won't even tell min RAH when I have a test at school because he'll pick a fight w/ me or cause some other major drama to distract me from studying, or doing well.
I showed him though. He told me he was leaving me and the kids on Wed nite and I went in Thurs morning and kicked a## on my test! It shocked even me!
I learned my lesson though. I refuse to tell him when I have tests, have a study group meeting etc…to keep his drama to a minimum. I don’t think he MEANS to do it…but it happens every time. I’ve even given FALSE dates for tests..and sure enough…major drama either the night before or morning of. Every single time. SICKO…I am so tired of dealing w/ his crap.
Now that Im not telling when I have big school stuff he's scrambling to find new ways to keep me off balance.
But he doesn't know I finally told my mom what is going on and she is ready to rip his b#%%@ off she's so mad.
But she's proud of me. I told her what was happening, how I was coping, I didn't cry, I didn't get upset...I just told her what I now believe, he's just too sick for me to keep investing in, and I don't want someone who doesn't want me. I believe God wants ME to be happy too and I can't be w/ him so I am taking this as an oppty to have a good and happy life w/out him in it. She's really really happy for me, and proud that I'm showing him how strong I really am. I feel revitalized now that she knows and that I have her support no matter what I do. today sucked...as far as dealing w/ RAH...but I'm happy.
I really am.
Counting down the days til August when I get to start my life again!
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Old 02-16-2011, 11:23 PM
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Yay for you, blwninthewind! For the kickin' a-- on your test, for telling your mom and for being incredibly strong!
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Old 02-17-2011, 04:11 AM
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I'm so proud of you! Your life will be much better when the drama all ends. In the meantime, though, you are doing an amazing job.

Glad you now have your mom to confide in.

Hugs!
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Old 02-17-2011, 04:14 AM
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((B)) So glad you found the strength to finally talk to your mother and that she is so supportive. This illness does get the best and worst of us and we go down roads unexpectedly. Stepping out of isolation to get support is a huge deal! Finding ways to allow you to pursue your course of action to get out and manage your own affairs is a huge plus!
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Old 02-17-2011, 04:26 AM
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Yay I'm so glad you were able to share with your mother and get her support! It will be so helpful to you.

I remember when I finally admitted to my parents (but they already knew) that my H was not only an alcoholic but a drug user, and an abuser. It was like a giant weight being lifted off my shoulders. I'd kept secrets from them for years, thinking I was protecting them from my poor choices, when in fact I was creating a divide between us that AH willingly exploited to isolate and control me further.

I wonder...is there any way for you to move out before August? Would your mother be able to help you brainstorm some ideas? August seems like a long ways off when you're living with a sabbotaging alcoholic spouse...
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Old 02-17-2011, 09:05 AM
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Nope... I need his income to help may the bills/rent etc... I only work part time. School takes a majority of my time, I hate that I don't have a lot of time w/ my kids now but they know it's for them too and they aren't really young. they have adjusted well.
It's RAH that hasn't.
I knew he would up the ante...and he has.
Now he's saying he's thinking about quitting AA.
I asked him why he felt that way and he said it was probably because they weren't telling him what he wanted to hear.
No way...REALLY?! (note the sarcasm in my typing..lol)
But I DID NOT react. I responded, appropriately I hope. Not sure.
I just told him that was his decision to make. It was up to him to decide what was best for him in his life and it was not my place to judge what he does or does not do.
He was not delighted. he expected me to freak out.
He wanted to know why I didn't care since it would affect me too and I let him know that it would NOT affect me. It wasn't my business and I wasn't going to get sucked in.
I'm following MY program because even if I don't agree w/ everything I have seen that it works. I can have a happy fulfilled life and I want that bad enough to do anything and everything they tell me to do w/out question.
It is not my place to decide what he does.
He got off the phone very quickly.
I feel like I'm detaching...and it feels good!!
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Old 02-17-2011, 09:41 AM
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Congratulations. Can I borrow your wonderful mom for an hour or two?
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Old 02-17-2011, 10:02 AM
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My mom is AWESOME.
she never tells me WHAT to do. I think having lived my life gives her insight that maybe other people (normies) don't have.
she really understands why I have not left him, why I have made the choices I have, even if she didn't agree with them all the time, she still supported that it was MY decision to make.
I talked w/ her this morning and she keeps saying she will back me no matter what. I believe that. I know she wants him out of my life, not because she doesn't care about him but because she loves me and wants what is best for me.
She tells me I'm strong, and I feel like I'm showing her she's right. I'm not a quivering crying mess anymore...I'm strong and have a plan of action. I'm being proactive. I'm not just going to take what he plans on giving...I'm taking what is rightfully mine, being fair but still doing what is the right thing for ME and my kids...I'm not letting his actions or drama rule my world anymore. I'm quite content w/ the knowledge that I will be okay.
Man...I am so blessed to have the mom I have.
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Old 02-17-2011, 10:08 AM
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Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
He was not delighted. he expected me to freak out.
He wanted to know why I didn't care since it would affect me too and I let him know that it would NOT affect me. It wasn't my business and I wasn't going to get sucked in.
I'm following MY program because even if I don't agree w/ everything I have seen that it works. I can have a happy fulfilled life and I want that bad enough to do anything and everything they tell me to do w/out question.
It is not my place to decide what he does.
He got off the phone very quickly.
LOVE LOVE LOVE these stories!!!

Wonder what he will think of next??? This is gonna be good. :rotfxko
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Old 02-17-2011, 11:46 AM
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This was almost hard for me to read, because I remember how devastated my mother was when I took up with AH. She had had the courage to leave my dad when I was 12, yet 9 years later, I chose a mate that was my dad's double.

My stepfather once told me, after I had been dating AH for a few weeks, that my mother cried herself to sleep every night.

So thank you for giving not only yourself a big gift, but also your mother.

I have a daughter. She is VERY strong. She calls the shots in her relationships, and God knows where she got THAT from! I feel I failed her in some ways in terms of modeling good, healthy relationships, and I only pray that somehow the Sins of the Mother will bypass her.
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Old 02-17-2011, 11:48 AM
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I wonder if he'll back off since it didn't work?!

But awesome job - and kudos for telling your Mom, and especially big kudos for not only being in a nursing program but being successful at it given all this! You are inspiring!
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Old 02-17-2011, 11:57 AM
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He wanted to know why I didn't care since it would affect me too and I let him know that it would NOT affect me. It wasn't my business and I wasn't going to get sucked in.
I'm following MY program because even if I don't agree w/ everything I have seen that it works. I can have a happy fulfilled life and I want that bad enough to do anything and everything they tell me to do w/out question.It is not my place to decide what he does.
He got off the phone very quickly.
I feel like I'm detaching...and it feels good!!
Oh yes, blwnin the wind.

<to paraphrase the movie apocalypse>

"I LOVE the smell of detachment in the morning, it smells like VICTORY."

He has no idea in this world what is goin on, you are calm, cool, collected and working on your life.

Victory.

Beth
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