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Old 02-17-2011, 10:56 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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THis makes me think of all the things my AH wants protected - his right to sneak his "guilty pleasures" - alcohol, cigarettes, porn - his debt, etc.
When I say this makes me uncomfortable, he says I am not respecting him.
Well, I'm not sure allowing him to lie to me is healthy for me.
Sometimes I get more hung up on respect than on taking care of me.
Respecting his right to lie to me just doesn't make sense.
I think respecting your husband's desire to "own" the meeting space/time just doesn't make sense.

Take what you want and leave the rest.
Hugs, p
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Old 02-17-2011, 11:10 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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makes me very easy to get along with while harboring resentments for having to be the one to bend and flex!
Thanks for this description; it helps me see me. Also, I have real difficulty communicating my own needs to someone. I allow them to "barrel" over me, and take take take. I'm not even sure if people who "take take take" are aware that they are doing this "to me." I think I always assume that everyone else's needs warrant my attention, whereas my needs are not even valid to me. I ignore my needs. But remember, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

LOL I need some squeaky needs. haha
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Old 02-17-2011, 11:37 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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UPDATE:
Well, I went. And now I am home again. No drama, no contact, no sight (as far as I know...I saw him but I don't think he saw me).

Fear of proximity conquered - check.

No lightening bolts to strike me down in the parking lot- check.

Beautiful full moon on the drive home - check.

Kids happy because they got to go to the gym while I was at the meeting and got extra smoothies from the nice girl working the counter - check.

What was I so afraid of, after all? Oh yeah - me.

Fear of making stupid decisions conquered - check. At least for today!
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Old 02-18-2011, 12:25 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Curled up in a good book...
 
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Old 02-18-2011, 04:28 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
UPDATE:
Well, I went. And now I am home again. No drama, no contact, no sight (as far as I know...I saw him but I don't think he saw me).

Fear of proximity conquered - check.

No lightening bolts to strike me down in the parking lot- check.

Beautiful full moon on the drive home - check.

Kids happy because they got to go to the gym while I was at the meeting and got extra smoothies from the nice girl working the counter - check.

What was I so afraid of, after all? Oh yeah - me.

Fear of making stupid decisions conquered - check. At least for today!
Good for you!

Question: Is your husband working the steps with a good sponsor? If so then your attending the meeting near his meeting shouldn't be an issue if he is "getting the heart of the program of losing the selfish behavior".

If you get a bunch of flak from him it will give you an accurate guage of his selfish meter at this point in his recovery. Just smile nicely and suggest he discuss it with his sponsor as you discussed the subject thoroughly with the entire internet community of Sober Recovery and got the thumbs up! That should be a jaw dropper (just kidding by the way
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Old 02-18-2011, 05:01 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Good for you, tg!

You know what occurs to me, is that early on, he might have felt like your attending the same meeting at the same time made him feel "checked up on"--i.e., like your being there was to make sure HE was being there. That, of course, is HIS problem, not yours, but I kinda understand how it might feel that way.

In the beginning, that is.

So I don't know that it was a huge "control" issue, it might have just been one of those early recovery mental hangups that we get--fear of what others are doing, or saying, or thinking about us.

Just speculating, and imagining how I might have felt in that situation.

I'm glad you went, and I think it was the right thing for you to do. If it makes him feel "weird" still, that is something he needs to get over for his own sake. You keep doing what you need to do.
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Old 02-18-2011, 09:48 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I just read how you went and saw him.
I was questioning though whether part of his issue was about his possibly NOT actually going to the meeting.

That is, of course coming through the lens of my experience w my A.
He would most likely balk at me going to a meeting near his because he would be lying about how often/ IF he actually goes.

Just a thought. It's not your business or problem, in any case.
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Old 02-18-2011, 09:49 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Good for you, tg!

You know what occurs to me, is that early on, he might have felt like your attending the same meeting at the same time made him feel "checked up on"--i.e., like your being there was to make sure HE was being there. That, of course, is HIS problem, not yours, but I kinda understand how it might feel that way.

In the beginning, that is.

So I don't know that it was a huge "control" issue, it might have just been one of those early recovery mental hangups that we get--fear of what others are doing, or saying, or thinking about us.

Just speculating, and imagining how I might have felt in that situation.

I'm glad you went, and I think it was the right thing for you to do. If it makes him feel "weird" still, that is something he needs to get over for his own sake. You keep doing what you need to do.
This dawned on me too, as I was sitting in the room just down the hall. Thanks for saying it out loud...I thought I might be experiencing PTSD from our interactions past...he was always very paranoid that I may be talking about him with others to the point that he would call me a "gossip" whenever I would spend time with my family or friends without him. I remember feeling very defensive about that.

I called him after the meeting - it didn't go well. I do think it bothered him, and I know it bothered me to be just down the hall from my husband with no interaction. He kept saying he didn't want to "have a fight", which is kind of a conversation-ender in itself; and very much his typical shut-down MO. Really, I was just feeling a bit sad about it all. And funny how he focuses on "not fighting" when he is often the one to start those fights?!

I am still amazed, even with knowing intellectually to expect nothing this early in recovery - that he still holds tight to some of the very behaviors that led me to move out. And that he still accuses me of those things?! *BIG SIGH*

But I feel great about going to the meeting there. However, I like my old group better... but it gives me another option to keep working on me and that feels good this morning.
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Old 02-18-2011, 10:18 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Be strong. He is just a habit right now. Like that old worn out pair of jeans. there is no need to talk to him about anything. Certainly you can if you choose. But ask yourself; what can you reasonably expect to gain from the conversation or interaction?
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Old 02-18-2011, 10:30 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by zrx1200R View Post
Be strong. He is just a habit right now. Like that old worn out pair of jeans. there is no need to talk to him about anything. Certainly you can if you choose. But ask yourself; what can you reasonably expect to gain from the conversation or interaction?
Thanks for the reminder, z. I know what I wish to gain, and I think that often drives me reaching out to connect when I already know I will get defensiveness. I am copying this and pasting it where I can see it BEFORE I pick up the phone. Maybe on my phone's main screen??!!!
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