Tuffgirl

D- you read my mind! I can't tell you how many times I prayed for a mute button. Or my other favorite - a Harry Potter invisibility cloak. I finally found those things in my car keys that I used frequently to just take me away from it all.

I see my own behaviors in this list. My counselor has been asking me things like "what is the antidote to defensiveness"..."reassurance". Does this author have suggestions on how to diffuse these behaviors? Any antidotes?

I found myself in a conversation last night where the only diffusion that seemed to break the pattern was saying "can you please step back and let me work my program here?" in reference to being told I am "just trying to fight" over and over again. It did seem to jar him back from that mantra that has been a staple in our conversations for a long time. I believe those would be Interrupting & Not listening.

Live

I really suggest going to the library and giving this book a read. It is about abusive men and how they operate and what is behind it, what drives it and the answer to that is not alcohol or any other substance. It is power and control and that is dangerous. If you have this in your life, reading the book will open your open your eyes and give you a creepy feeling..but you will understand things that have baffled you beyond belief in a new light.

As a man and a counselor, Mr Bancroft clearly states that his primary goal is to protect the women of these partners because these men rarely, rarely change.

SO, once again, if you even suspect your partner may be abusive...go check the book out or buy it if you can, you will want to read it more than once. It may be one of the most important things you do for yourself.

TakingCharge999

Thanks passionfruit. This helped me today.

TakingCharge999

Thanks all I just read the whole thread and I find it very helpful. I need to order that book!

passionfruit that is a sad reality in society and I agree 100% ... just yesterday I had a dinner sponsored by the company and I saw how everyone treated XABF as if he was a great guy.... perhaps that's why I am so triggered and angry right now. There was also another email from someone who left the company telling a few people including him "thank you for your wonderful friendship" and I was like..

Sorry for rambling!

TakingCharge999

PurpleWilder

I received the first 3 chapters of this book from a counselor early in the disintegration of my marriage. I was broke as hell but I went out and paid full price for this book - something that a bookophile like myself never does! I still have it and go back to it from time to time. It is insighful not only into other but also into myself. I recommend it to anyone who feels they are in an abusive situation.

tjp613

This book should be required reading for every woman ....period.

MsMahon

[QUOTE=passionfruit;2869422]I promise you he doesn't feel guilty for anything he has put you through. You are speaking the truth, whether people want to hear it or not.

I have noticed outside of this little world of ours we have here (SR, alanon...) Society doesn't want to know the truth, even if it is the truth. They want to live in their safe places they have created. They do not want to get involved.

If someone were standing on a public street corner physically beating a child, people would step in. But if you stand up and shout to the rooftops, "My husband is an abusive alcoholic man. He is not the man he pretends to be in your eyes." When you bring it to their attention, there is something uncouth about you.

Believe in yourself and your truths as you know they are real and true. They did happen. You did not deserve to be treated that way. And tell the whole world if you want




I cant thank you enough for this post. This was just what I needed to hear today.

Life with an abusive alcoholic has taken its toll on me.

I dread to think what long term damage it has caused my wonderful children.

But thank you for writing this as I have always believed his accusations that everything that goes wrong in life is my fault.

I have been feeling guilty because we have now separated because of his alcohism and abuse which has gone on for more than 25 years. He is not coping well with the separation and I feel guilty.

You are SO right! He would never ever feel guilty about his treatment of me over the years. He is still an alcoholic and if anything is treating me worse than ever.

Thanks for this post. It has really helped me.

Redheadsusie

I was reading a fantastic post that had a brief explanation of all of the Chapters of Why does he do that - and then people wrote about it- it was phenomenal and I lost it. I was up to Chapter 5 - I ran a search and your post came up. Do you know where I can find that again. Thank you in advance!

24Years

I have laughed out loud at things my AH has said...but they have been soooo ridiculous of comments (aimed at me) that were insults, yet I think he believes them to be true.

He would get upset at me, but I really don't think I was controlling him...I believe I was seeing through his BS. Anyway, control or not, I can't say I feel guilty about that sort of response given the circumstance.

Live

bump

PohsFriend

Take out the towering and physical intimidation and women do this too.

Gottmans seven principles of marriage talks about the things that kill a relationship, he calls then the four horsemen of the apocalypse...

The one that really stung me was where he talks about complaints, criticism and contempt.

Contemp includes the ridicule and sarcasm after reading it I got more careful.

The word sarcasm comes from some old Greek woe that translates roughly to tearing of flesh. Ouch - and true.

grammyb

I downloaded this book to my kindle and I've read the first three chapters. I can't tell you how many wow moments I've experienced. Great book and great information. Thanks so much for the post.

TakingCharge999

OMG I have gone through so many of these.

Recently I did close the door to one most recent "love relationship" - its like, whew! I can finally breathe again.

I hope I can keep remembering that relationships can be healthy and uplifting. And have nothing to do with these tactics. I also hope I can remember not to inflict these on anyone else. I have noticed my hidden anger issues show up in some sarcasm, criticism towards others.