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Sex...r u kidding me???

Old 02-16-2011, 10:21 AM
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Sex...r u kidding me???

Wishing I could find a noon meeting to RUN to!!!!

AH (30 days sober out of rehab)

Since he has been home, I stay in my part of the house & he stays in his.
He trys to communicate with me, but I have dont have much to say.
I see it as friends and business partners..thats about it.

He sits in the house & WAITS for me to talk to him, when we are not in meetings...He just sits in the kitchen & smokes & drinks pots of coffee.
Guess, he doesnt think about exercise or cleaning the house, etc.

I spend my evenings in the other room, It feels like alot of pressure on me, with him just sitting there, waiting for me to talk...I work full time+, so I have alot to do when I get home.

This morning, he tells me we need to sell my exercise equipement & my jacuzzi. I ask him why...He replies, so we can spilt up. He is not going to live
lonely. He wants more in life. He wants sex. He cant see me, getting over all of the problems from the past. He wants us to have fun together. He wants me to talk to him. He cant change the past and he cant see me getting over it. He wants to write my kids a letter of apology.
(Why sell MY stuff, what about his?)

I told him I was up front & honest with him before he came home. I dont
know if it will work, I will try. It has only been 2 weeks since he has been home. I wish I had the magic pill to wake up & feel in love again, but I dont.

Then the question SEX:::: OMG!!! You know how many years, I begged him just to brush his teeth, so the room didnt stink, when I walked in.

You know how many times, I dressed up the whiskey bottle with little doll clothes, tucked her under the blankets and told him to go to bed, his wife was waiting for him....

He leaves the house, then calls me & says "Well, I think Im feeling sorry for myself - once I get a sponsor I will feel better cuz I will have someone to talk to everyday"

So with that reply, I guess Im suppose to feel better & want to jump in the sack...Dont know if I will EVER feel like jumping in anyones sack!!!!

I just fell to peices, after his phone call. So many questions about myself.
Am I just being a crabbey ol' #itch? Am I too hard on him? Maybe there is something wrong with me? Maybe Im not looking at things positive?

Dropped on my knees prayed & cried..Not a good day
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:57 AM
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Um, I *cannot* and simply WILL NOT be intimate with someone I have lost respect for. Sorry. No way, no how.

You're not being a crabby anything. You're holding on to your self-respect and keeping to your boundaries.

And why the heck does he figure selling YOUR stuff will allow you two to separate? Is there something I'm missing here?
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Old 02-16-2011, 11:41 AM
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((((Bobby)))) I'm sorry you are having a bad day

It sounds as though both of you have expectations that are not being met by the other person. Someone on here wrote that unmet expectations are future resentments.

I don't know how long it has been since your hubby has been out of rehab, but it does sound as though he expects you to instantly forget everything that has happened in the past, which is unrealistic, IMHO.

Hopefully you both can find a peaceful path forward either together or separately.....but Rome wasn't built in a day, and real change takes time.

Hugs, HG
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Old 02-16-2011, 11:46 AM
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Yes. When respect and trust is damaged, it takes a long time to recover.
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Old 02-16-2011, 11:58 AM
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I dressed up the whiskey bottle with little doll clothes, tucked her under the blankets and told him to go to bed, his wife was waiting for him....

Very powerful.. thanks for this image.

Have you considered going to therapy?
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Old 02-16-2011, 03:45 PM
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nodaybut2day - To answer your question about my stuff. Even when he was drinking, he would take My purse, My keys, My phone, My money and lock them in his gun safe, when we would have an argument. Now that he is sober, he now wants to sell MY things...
He never mention selling his $30,000 motorcycle or his huge collection of guns or his expensive toys..It's always my stuff. Guess, that is his insecuritys & control issues...
Just funny, how the habits are kind of the same, even when he is sober.

This afternoon, he came into my work and I looked at him, and thought what a disgrace!
He hasnt showered in 3 days, dirty clothes, not shaved, unbrushed teeth, hair needs cut, hat sat on his head crooked, looked like a bum.....He was in rehab for 30 days and has been home for almost 2 weeks.
At this point, you can tell, everything he does, get on my nerves (including slurpping his flippin 3 pots of coffee a day & smoking like a chimney stack)


I told him, we need to put the house up for sale. Neither one of us are getting healthy living like this anymore. It's not good for me!!! He got teary eyed and said, "I dont think its good for us to be apart" and I said, "Well, that is your recovery not mine"

Completely feel sick to my stomach!!! I am hoping my heart is telling me the right thing to do...I have lost faith in my own answers...I sure hate that!!!

I have realized today (The sex part) that will never be with him....Trust, Respect is gone....I just have to face the facts and quit living in a damn fantasy world...

Hoping my journey to recovery continues!!! -
**THANKS TO ALL OF YOU, FOR GREAT SUPPORT ** IT HAS HELPED 210% **

(Takes one to know one)
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Old 02-16-2011, 04:22 PM
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BobbyJ...seems to me HP is sending you some clear signals. Time to get out. Reconciliation may happen, but right now, you're right, this isn't healthy for you.

What's your plan?
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Old 02-16-2011, 05:45 PM
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My favorite comment from my stbxah is, "If you would just put out...I'd change!" This is so ridiculous, that it makes me laugh!! I understand exactly what you are saying!
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Old 02-16-2011, 06:17 PM
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So good to know I'm not the only one that refuses to sleep with their AH - mine is pretending he stopped drinking but doesn't hide it very well. My AH is a nice looking guy, but there is nothing about him that makes me want to be intimate with him anymore.

I hope tomorrow is a better day, BobbyJ. (((HUGS!!!)))

Last edited by ShiningStars; 02-16-2011 at 06:18 PM. Reason: computer issues
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Old 02-16-2011, 08:17 PM
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Of course he wants to sell YOUR stuff.

He's placed the blame for the problems in your relationship (or lack of one) on YOU.

He's blameless. what? you didn't get that memo with the big words MANIPULATION 101 on it?

What a dofus! Tell him sure seperation is a great idea, which do u want to sell first the bike or the golf clubs?

I say ebay, or craigslist those suckers!
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Old 02-16-2011, 08:29 PM
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I'm not telling you what to do, and I don't think anybody should, but if you have already made a decision I'd encourage you not to make it take any longer than it needs to.

I'd also encourage you to look at your part of your interactions with him based on who he is today-- are you interacting the way you want to? Are you interacting the way you believe is right? Are you being the person you want to be?

Just questions. Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

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Old 02-17-2011, 06:20 AM
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When me and my X seperated we did it 50/50. I kept my stuff and he kept his. $ wise it was 50/50. My X did blame me for the breakup which was so not true. They just can't look at their part. In my Alanon group we call them King-Babies.
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Old 02-17-2011, 09:59 AM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
I spend my evenings in the other room, It feels like alot of pressure on me, with him just sitting there, waiting for me to talk...

/////

Then the question SEX:::: OMG!!! You know how many years, I begged him just to brush his teeth, so the room didnt stink, when I walked in.

Yep, I get this. Who wants to have sex with someone who smells bad and talks crap? How can you make love with someone when there's so little love left?
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Old 02-17-2011, 10:39 AM
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Bobby,

Some really tough stuff! I get it! I am sad for you.

Don't lose Hope!

Huggs and more huggs,


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