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I Need accountability, dependability & security

Old 02-15-2011, 08:51 PM
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I Need accountability, dependability & security

Quick history:
May 2009 AH had near liver failure, 2 weeks in the hospital which included difficult detox and then off to inpatient treatment.

November 2010 drinking started again.

Feb 9th, last wednesday, back to the hospital for acute detox & pancreas issues. He wanted rehab and left for it on Sunday.

So – I got a text today “I’ll be taking the bus home tomorrow – call you in route”. Greeaattt …

Argued with him on the phone and mainly by text – didn’t want him to move back – this is where he drinks (home alone) and he should not come back to this house. Maybe an oxford house for a couple weeks? I'm an alanon girl - I know I should not have responded or engaged on this issue - it's just that I had so many emotional days and was ready to have some quiet, chaos-free time. We we in seperate bedrooms before he left and had discussed divorce ... I'm ready to be done ... we've been married 21 years.

So - he said he didn't need to stay in treatment ... He texted: “I needed my head cleared - the rest of the program is waste of money” oh that sounds healthy and logical!

So he insists on living in the house, suggests me to live with my parents … yeah, nice – they have a one bedroom home but whose counting!

So – he said we should be “civil” and he will take the extra room and sleep on the floor (where I slept for over a month). Wow … what could I say but “thank you”

His mom said it’s very important that we works things out – we both need to listen and work together. (I should have thought of that a while ago - she's in full denial)

My parents have been great - very supportive. I have some great friends this go around - patient and understanding. AH has yet to make good friends that he can rely on - didn't even include or contact his sponsor or AA buddies for help. Upside: He's home in time to open all the bills he incurred last week ... we have a $2,800 deductible ... he's a FT student (if he didn't fail), guess he might need to get a job. I can't help but feel SO foolish sometimes.

This truly seems to solidify my feelings for a legal seperation and I see a divorce in my future too. Ever since last wednesday when he went in the hospital ... I've so appreciated all the posts and insights on this site - I come and read alot. SR has given me so much courage, strength, insight ...

I want him to live somewhere else - probably permanently. Is it best to just lay it all out there now? I'm pretty sure he blames his last drinking spell on me (I'm not intimate enough, lots of quacking!) but I can't help but think my ending the marriage will put him in a spin/drunk too. Guess there's no good time to state it?

Sorry this is so long. I SO appreciate the SR community.
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Old 02-16-2011, 04:37 AM
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If you are sure of your decision then it is my opinion that it is best to just lay it all out there. You are right, there is no good time, and with a disease like alcoholism that progresses, this is probably the best time.
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Old 02-16-2011, 05:32 AM
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I went through the same thing with a husband who went back to drinking after nearly dying of liver failure. Couldn't go through it again.

Sounds like you've had enough, already. He has support out there if he wants to use it--that is his choice. You aren't leaving him helpless. He KNOWS what to do. His choice to do it--or not.

It sounds like you're emotionally in a good place and have your head on straight. Sounds like you know what you want. I say do what you know is right for you. If you wait until he's drinking again, you will start to feel sorry for him. I think I'd hit the road (figuratively--but one of you leave) at this point.
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Old 02-16-2011, 06:30 AM
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So – he said we should be “civil” and he will take the extra room and sleep on the floor (where I slept for over a month). Wow … what could I say...?”


how 'bout no?
peace
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Old 02-16-2011, 08:14 AM
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Mine came out, I let him stay w us. He is ungrateful and sliding toward relapse everyday.
I am having trouble getting him to leave and today, at least, I feel like everyday that I go on in this mess takes away from the happy life I deserve.

Even the process of realization that he deserves!

If you know for sure, then I would do what you can to act on it. Lay it out there.
I am speaking from experience, here. I am in the storm, and I want out.

I know you know what I mean. and mine is physically sober.
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Old 02-16-2011, 08:33 AM
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Just a reminder.

Alcoholics lie. Even when the truth works just fine, they lie. They are selfish. They say and do anything to get what they want. They have an ulterior motive for most everything they do. They blame us for their problems, and the project their problems on to us. There is nothing "civil" about ending a marriage to an alcoholic. It will be ugly, then peaceful.

What does he have to lose by leaving early, demanding to come back to the home, and exactly who cares what his mom says? If she is concerned, how about telling him to move in with his mom? Send him home to mommy where maybe she can help him grow into a man.

What to do? there are several paths. In Texas, you can not kick him out of his house. He has a right to be there. But, you can file a restraining order banning him from the home. It will take a couple days, and he has to be served with the papers from a 3rd party. Any family lawyer can do this lickity split for you. He can counter file, but the judges are pretty fed up with alcoholics. If you have evidence of the detox, and alcohol problems, he'll be out for the duration. And you can file the divorce papers yourself at the same time if you want to. Costs about 300 bucks.

You can try to peacefully co-exist in your home. But you know it will not be "even". It will be on his terms. You will have to accept that.

Or you can just pack your stuff and move. Take him out of the equation, and spend money from your joint account on your place. Pre pay for 3 months of rent at an apartment. You have just as much right to the money and a place to live as he does.

There are always answers to these stumbling blocks. It is best to do what you want, and leave them quacking to themselves.
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Old 02-16-2011, 08:43 AM
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Your AH is determined to drink himself to the grave. Liver failure has already happened. Why waste time dancing around the obvious issue?

Lay it all out.

Also, have a contigency plan for yourself (i.e. place to go, money put aside, important docs safely stashed away somewhere OTHER than the house). Expect him to dig his heels in and make your life impossible. You're about to pull the rug out from under him...BUT he's an adult and he's made his choice. He can now live (or die) with them.
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Old 02-16-2011, 08:45 AM
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His higher power has spoken through his body with liver failure.
It is his choice to listen to it or not.

What a horrible decision to have to make. Your serenity, or him. Seems you can't have both.

I can't tell you what to do. I know though that if I was in your situation, if he came back to the house with me and relapsed, I would have to kick him out, whatever it took.
At that point I would see myself as enabling him, and playing a part in his death wish.
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:35 AM
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To me it looks like the writing is on the wall: He's not done and will end up in the hospital again. Do you want to be married to him when that happens?
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Old 02-16-2011, 08:37 PM
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The details of this day are somewhat irrelevant now ... lived them once but not again. His Mom is truly an enabler. Hecame home - planning to stay and will not leave. The up side - he agrees with the divorce, pretty much blaming me for his drinking (drinking on account of our lack of sex relationship - blah,blah.blah) but I didn't pour it down his throat. Whatever ... the words did not hurt at all - SO like my disconnected and detached self!

I started filling out the paperwork tonight while he's "at a meeting". Some friends helping me with the paperwork and saving money on the process.

I was more upset when he was in the hospital - now I'm just angry. I’m good with my anger right now – propels me to find resolve and peace and prevent the “victim” girl from sneaking in!!

you are all SO awesome and your insight is SO appreciated. It's amazing when we are in the moment we sometimes can't see the obivous or the right path ... the guidance of friends an d peers with experience and common sense = priceless!!! thank you.
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Old 02-16-2011, 08:41 PM
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For the love of God, why are you still in this relationship? Consider making two lists. The first list is all the reasons it's a really good idea to stay in this relationship. The next is a list of all the reasons it's a really good idea to leave this relationship.

Now read the lists.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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Old 02-16-2011, 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by zrx1200R View Post
Just a reminder.

Alcoholics lie. Even when the truth works just fine, they lie. They are selfish. They say and do anything to get what they want. They have an ulterior motive for most everything they do. They blame us for their problems, and the project their problems on to us. There is nothing "civil" about ending a marriage to an alcoholic. It will be ugly, then peaceful.

What does he have to lose by leaving early, demanding to come back to the home, and exactly who cares what his mom says? If she is concerned, how about telling him to move in with his mom? Send him home to mommy where maybe she can help him grow into a man.

What to do? there are several paths. In Texas, you can not kick him out of his house. He has a right to be there. But, you can file a restraining order banning him from the home. It will take a couple days, and he has to be served with the papers from a 3rd party. Any family lawyer can do this lickity split for you. He can counter file, but the judges are pretty fed up with alcoholics. If you have evidence of the detox, and alcohol problems, he'll be out for the duration. And you can file the divorce papers yourself at the same time if you want to. Costs about 300 bucks.

You can try to peacefully co-exist in your home. But you know it will not be "even". It will be on his terms. You will have to accept that.

Or you can just pack your stuff and move. Take him out of the equation, and spend money from your joint account on your place. Pre pay for 3 months of rent at an apartment. You have just as much right to the money and a place to live as he does.

There are always answers to these stumbling blocks. It is best to do what you want, and leave them quacking to themselves.
ZRX - you're insight is uncanny! Tried to send him home to Mommy but that's an hour drive and he his in his super high selfish mode ... so that wasn't an option!

I've set up my joint account a couple weeks ago but such good advice, thanks.

I really enjoy your posts and appreciate your sincerity and honesty - thank you for being here!!!
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Old 02-16-2011, 09:31 PM
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In houston you can self file for about $265.

Didn't know about the temporary order though....very good info for me right now...I thank you!
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