Valentines gesture..need support not responding XABF had a dozen roses delivered today. I have been no contact for over 3 weeks except for one e-mail regarding a car of his I still have on my property. The roses didn't sway me, but I have been struggling for hours to not send an e-mail acknowledging them and telling him to save his money in the future. I know they were a manipulation, but I feel like such a bitch not at least saying something. Help me see this clearly. Thanks and Happy Valentines Day! |
Put them in a vase if you want. Watch them bloom as a symbol of your growth. Or in the bin, as a symbol of being done with the displays of affection which never really rang true. Either way, you don't have to acknowledge them.. it's a siren call, up to you if you stay off the rocks. *hugs* Tx |
You might want to drop them off at a local hospital or nursing home for a patient who could use some cheering up. I had someone (not anyone I dated--it was a work situation) send me flowers that I didn't feel it was appropriate to keep, and that's what I did. It can give you a warm feeling inside. |
3 weeks is a long time. Don't give it up. Your gut is telling you this is manipulation - trust yourself. Do something! Instead of emailing him do you know anyone that could really use a lift? or that goes unnoticed? Give them away and make a positive difference with them. It will come to them as a [B]no strings attached[B] gesture to brighten their day and you get to earn some good karma :). They will be out of sight and before you know it the day will be over and the agst about what to do about the flowers gone. :hug: It is good that you posted! ETA: Lexie and I cross posted :) |
If he is an XABF then No Contact is the only way to go to keep any sanity. If you respond he will keep trying to lure you back. And we all know where that goes... MORE pain... |
Thanks :) I love the nursing home suggestion, but I am hosting a single ladies Valentines dinner (for my best friends and all our kids) so I can't go out to drop them off now. I was sitting here looking at them and realized I deserve these beautiful flowers! That may not be why he sent them, but its why I will keep and enjoy them. I spent four years trying to be "perfect" for him and after all that I feel no guilt smiling every time I see them and thinking how far I have come. I will not contact him, he doesn't deserve that! |
I say just enjoy the flowers! If he was manipulating, he was dumb enough to waste his money but enjoy them anyway! |
Ordering a dozen roses and sending them off to your X = easy. Sticking to recovery for the rest of your life = hard. Guess he took the easy route. |
I like the nursing home idea too. I bet it would cheer someone who needs cheering. No Contact means No Contact. You are under no obligation, moral or otherwise, to acknowledge those roses. I mean, roses? Really? WTF am I gonna do with ROSES? |
Oh, sorry, I just read your post about you wanting them. In that case, hell yeah, keep 'em. But No Contact still means No Contact. |
Just pretend that I sent them to you instead. |
Hilarious, zrx1200r :) Much to my surprise, I received flowers today, and amazingly, it just erased those 5,000 beers he's drank in the last year right out of my memory....NOT!!!! |
I would send back a poisonous cactus :lmao sorry my unhandled anger speaking.. |
I would send back a box filled with empties... "XABF You left these behind. No love, Me" |
I say if you want to enjoy them and can, then go for it. Heh, the law says that if a charity sends you something in the mail that you didn't request (like those icky greeting card assortments) you have no obligation to send them money or return them or acknowledge them. I think unsolicited flowers work the same way. :) |
Okay, I am going to open myself up to attack here. Flowers are just that, flowers. My mother brought me up to thank people for things like that. But...it's doesn't have to lead to anything else, does it? The Thank-you? It doesn't, remember who's in control. YOU. |
Originally Posted by brokenheartfool
(Post 2865623)
Okay, I am going to open myself up to attack here. Flowers are just that, flowers. My mother brought me up to thank people for things like that. But...it's doesn't have to lead to anything else, does it? The Thank-you? It doesn't, remember who's in control. YOU. |
That's one thing I like about presents ~ I can do anything I want with them. Is it rude to not even acknowledge them? Sure - but life isn't fair, and sometimes it's not fair in your favor. Enjoy the flowers! - Sylvie |
Originally Posted by Sylvie66
(Post 2865632)
That's what I was going to say! |
You guys are all great. What a wonderful thing to have support at my fingertips. I still have such a reflex to protect and tend to his feelings. All day my heart is breaking about how lonely he must be and how sad he must feel that I am not acknowledging his gesture. I feel this need to explain my self and soften the blow. I wish he was normal and I had that chance, but it would be lost on him. The only thing keeping me strong is that he wasn't worrying about my feelings when he threatened to tell my father intimate details of our love life, or called me a piece of s&^%, or sent a nasty text about my stretch marks, etc, etc. I will stay strong! |
I've never gotten flowers from by ABF, EVER. Besides if I did I'd eat 'em. I love eating roses! No calls from him, no texts, I don't care either I just want to move forward not backwards. It doesn't hurt, not even numb. Cleaned the house, played guitar for one hour, piano for one hour, and did some accounting. He's probably on a bender, where as I am on a shuttle. |
Originally Posted by HeyImme
(Post 2865546)
Hilarious, zrx1200r :) Much to my surprise, I received flowers today, and amazingly, it just erased those 5,000 beers he's drank in the last year right out of my memory....NOT!!!! |
Originally Posted by IBelong
(Post 2865852)
I've never gotten flowers from by ABF, EVER. Besides if I did I'd eat 'em. I love eating roses! I'll have to try that sometime. :) I never thought of roses/dinners/nights out/etc as manipulations, until my XABF started using them as examples of how "he does everything for me and I don't do anything for him." Now I realize that's exactly what they are - now that I don't believe what he's saying. Then again, I have also realized that XABF doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a live-in "happy ending" maid who gives him money. |
Way to see through the red haze of roses... It always amazed me, back in the days when I spent most of my time trying to manipulate the women I was with passive-aggressively, how effective flowers and stuffed animals were in getting women to do exactly what I wanted them to do. I have to say, ladies, it's pretty much mind-boggling. Another gift I've received from Al-Anon and recovery is that I don't do that anymore. I may be one of the few men in the world who's wife is glad she gets flowers less often. Now she knows when she gets them she's just getting them, and I'm not angling for something or feeling guilty about something. I, in turn, get to experience what it feels like to truly give with no agenda. It turns out it feels really good. Take what you want and leave the rest. Cyranoak P.s. I hope I haven't ruined flowers and gifts for any of you. I was speaking only about myself. I'm sure most other men are completely different. |
I, in turn, get to experience what it feels like to truly give with no agenda. It turns out it feels really good. Take what you want and leave the rest. Cause it is a fabulous experience to give with no expectations. Beth |
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