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Feeling confused

Old 02-14-2011, 08:52 AM
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Question Feeling confused

Hi SR people. I have posted to several threads since I joined but I haven't actually introduced myself. I am a 67 yeear old woman. I live alone pretty close to some family members. I was married to someone for 25 years whose drinking bothered me a lot. We divorced over it and he died one year later. It was very heartbreaking. My family of origin could have been classified as "dysfunctional" As a child I had no idea and thought that the fights and anger were normal in families. My mother turned to alcohol. My father raged a lot and was abusive with my mother, but didn't drink a lot. He actually was soft-hearted but was very demanding, so was my mother. Anyway they divorced when I was a young adult and was out on my own, so were my two brothers who are younger than I am. We had a good home and I know that our parents loved us and tried to do their best.
I married and divorced 3 times. Only the last marriage involved alcohol. Looking back I always just did what felt best and rarely thought of anyone else's feelings. I just always knew I needed to "get away" and I did.

The current situation is why I am really writing.

I met a great man and began to fall in love with him last year. He told me when we met that he was seeing another woman, but that he wanted to get out of the relationship. Initially I told him that I wouldn't continue seeing him while he was involved. After about 2 months of NC I caved in and sent him an email. He came across as "over the moon happy" that we could see each other. We began seeing each other a lot and things progressed. After about 3 months and only 2 weeks after we had become intimate he sent me an email ending our relationship.
When we became intimate he gave every indication that he was really into me. There was nothing strange or out of the ordinary. It was wonderful and I was very happy. I wanted him for myself and one day I explained to him how difficult it was for me when I thought of him with the "other" woman. He said he was going to end it with her, but 2 days later ended it with me.

The thing is that since he ended it with me I have been obsessed with wondering if he thought I was an alcoholic because we often had wine here at my place when we were together. Once I was high and uninhibited with him. The affection was amazing and I lapped it up.
He has 2 adult sons who he honestly told me had been involved with drugs since they were in highschool, but were now drug free and going to regular meetings. I know he also was very familiar with AA and Alanon. He didn't talk about it a lot but sometimes mentioned going to meetings to celebrate someone's year or 3 year free... etc.

We didn't do a lot of talking together and there were some red flags. Some comments he made that made me wonder why he was seeing me. I asked him and he told me that he enjoyed being with me. He NEVER appeared to be high, but he was always very careful how much he drank.
I am confused because I am still tormented about how he ended everything only saying that he needed to think more about his adult kids because they liked the other woman he was seeing as well.

I don't know how to LET GO of my obsessive concern about what he did or didn't think of me and it is driving me crazy. I seem to be unable to just take it all at face value.
I won't get in touch with him again because I tried once and he politely refused any contact. It was humiliating.
I don't get it. I rarely drink, but now feel as if he may have thought I had a drinking problem.
I am wondering if I might be a classic co-dependent, or alcoholic, and he picked up on it.
I haven't ever been this obsessed about anyone before. It feels as if he really was the one I have wanted all my life. He even said in an email about how we were fortunate to find each other and a great love at this time in our lives, just 2 days before the goodbye message. ????

Sorry this is so long. I really would like some help. I don't think I can attend any Alanon Face to Face meetings in case he really does go there himself.
Thanks for any words of wisdom.
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Old 02-14-2011, 12:25 PM
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It's not your job to read other people's minds, so stop trying. It will relieve you of that burden and obsessiveness.
Who knows what this guy thinks!
Maybe he's really selfish. It somewhat sounds selfish in that he was seeing two women intimately at the same time. I wouldn't allow that.
Maybe the other woman is his ex wife! Maybe that's why he has to take the adult children's feelings into consideration. Humph. What a line...it's not the truth unless it's their mother.
Otherwise, maybe he wanted to see who he liked better sexually. You know--my point here is--anything is possibly why he made the decision he did. Maybe she's loaded and he would like to live a high class lifestyle. Maybe she's only 30 years old. Maybe she's famous. Maybe she has a terminal illness and he wants to be the beneficiary. See? Millions of possibilities, and certainly not all of the noble.

Go find your own happiness. There are literally millions of available men. I would suggest you don't find a man who is also seeing someone else simultaneously. That helps weed out the selfish people.
Your drinking--I don't know how much you drank around him, but many normal people do drink. Some other normal people don't drink. If he was unhappy with your drinking then he should have said so. You are not a mind reader, and being a good communicator is a necessary element for any relationship to succeed. Sounds to me like he isn't a good communicator. Couldn't even break it off face to face, using email was cowardly.
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Old 02-14-2011, 01:21 PM
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Hi CSH.
I am sorry you are hurting.
I recommend the book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty... it is no way to live, when we give more power to what someone else thinks and does to our own experience of life. Some people manipulate others to get what they want, we have to be very alert to get close only to sincere people.
Take care and let us know how you are doing.
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