Sad and scared..

Old 02-13-2011, 05:36 PM
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Sad and scared..

Hi all. I'm new here and I don't know where else to turn. My fiancee is an alcoholic. He started drinking heavily when I got pregnant (I was 19, and we were both in college... not at all prepared for a baby) but I made the decision to keep the baby, and accept the financial and emotional help that both of our families were offering us. My fiancee thought that accepting money and support from our families made him "less of a man" and that he was a failure for not being able to support his family.
On new years eve he got more drunk than I've ever seen him. I called his dad and told him that he needed to come and take him to the hospital. I just needed him to go away, I just couldn't handle it anymore. He spent a week in the psych ward at the hospital and then had a 2 week trip to rehab.
He was only out of rehab for a little over a week before he relapsed. I ignored it the first time... and the second. Then on monday (feb 7) I caught him drinking, and I told him to pack his sh!t and get out. He was playing some game on his computer (another major addiction that he refuses to admit to.) so I grabbed his drink and dumped it down the sink and told him again to get out. He finally left (we have 1 car, i made him leave the keys, so he walked) and stayed out all night. He called me the next day and asked me to let him come home. I said no, but told him that I would bring him some clothes, and that he needed to not contact me for a while. He's been staying at a flea bag motel in the area and I've seen him walking the streets during the day.
He keeps saying that he's doing me and our son a favor by leaving, and that we're much better off without him. Yesterday he told his dad that we should all just move on and pretend that he's dead. He's extremely suicidal and I am terrified that I'm going to get a phone call saying that he's dead. I've been going to al-anon for about a month now and I don't feel like I'm getting any closer to fully being detached from him. I love him so much, but I just can't be with him right now. I know I did the right thing by making him leave, but I just can't imagine the rest of my life without him. I could really use some kind words, because even though our families are going through this with me, nobody knows how I feel.
for reading my novel.
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Old 02-13-2011, 05:42 PM
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They say that AA isn't for those who need it--it's for those who want it. Maybe you could tell him that.

He has to hit his rock bottom and find his way up out of it all. Until that day comes, the only things you can do are self-sacrifice and suffer, or take care of yourself.

People do know how you feel here and at alanon!

Sorry you are going through this, we all go through quite a bit, and although my story is different than yours, I do understand the suffering.
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Old 02-13-2011, 05:47 PM
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I know I did the right thing by making him leave,
i have to agree with this, and i wish i had had your strength when i needed it.

but I just can't imagine the rest of my life without him.
it has always been easier for me to take things one day at a time.
i am a recovering alcoholic, and ACoA and a codependent.
When i start imagining forever, or the rest of my life, or even next year, I know I am looking for trouble. No more need for trouble now.
Going to Alanon is excellent.

I could really use some kind words, because even though our families are going through this with me, nobody knows how I feel.
I understand how sad and scared you are. You did the hardest thing by keeping you and your baby safe. I am sorry your husband is ill, but you are doing what you can.
Bet good to yourself and your baby.
Use your family as support and help for you now.

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Old 02-13-2011, 05:48 PM
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You need to do what you feel is right for you.

I still miss my XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend), but I know in my heart that sending him on his way was the right thing to do. He is still not working any recovery plan, and if he's sober right now he's doing it out of spite.
The relationship I had with him was too toxic, and it took so much out of me that I am not sure who I am anymore. My relationship with myself is what I need to develop right now.
I still think of him, and I do still miss the person I used to think he was...
But my life is much calmer and happier without worrying about the drama he caused constantly.

It's time to work on you, for the sake of yourself and your little one.
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Old 02-13-2011, 05:58 PM
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Hello MsPaige! Welcome to SR!!!

You have found a wonderful place with a lot of understanding people. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.

Please make yourself comfortable, read around the boards for a while, and know that you are with people who completely understand.

If you truly feel that the young man will harm himself, then it would be best to call an ambulance and have him treated right away. Professional hands are the best place for him. Plus, if he is just threatening suicide as a way to get sympathy so that you will let him return, he will not try that manipulation again once an ambulance has been called.

Please take very good care of yourself and your precious child! Hugs, HG
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Old 02-13-2011, 06:21 PM
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Hi mspaige to Sober Recovery. I hope that you will stay around here, keep reading and posting, and also read the Stickies at the top of the forum page. I am glad you have family for support and that you are going to Al Anon. When I first started working on my Recovery, I was also involved with an alcoholic man who is also a crack addict. My life was painful and tumultuous to say the least. Over time I learned about Detachment and practiced many of the tools I learned in meetings. One thing I learned about myself was that I tended to React to him and the things he did, which contributed to my problems. Eventually I learned that I needed to get crystal clear on exactly what I wanted for my life. That helped me to take the reins and control my decisions and actions.

(((hugs))) Just want you to know, it took nearly two years of Recovery before I was able to break free from that guy, to do what I knew I needed to do for my well being.
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Old 02-13-2011, 07:24 PM
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Take care. You are doing, in my opinion, the right things, especially Alanon. If you haven't already, spend some time reading the stickies above.

Also, there are many posts on this board from people who married alcoholics when they already knew they were alcoholics, some of whom also had children with them. Please read many of these posts before marrying this man. They will show you your possible futures.

Lastly, Alanon saved my life. It did not work nearly as fast as I wanted it to, as everybody has different experiences with it, but it worked. I think if you keep going you will find it helping you.

My thoughts are with you.

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