transformyself

I'm leaving again today for California, hate flying, have been fighting with AH because I'm so triggered and feeling exactly the way I used to, with a little twist.

I used to feel this way all the time-caught up in the emotional mental gymnastics of trying to figure out wtf is wrong with me? or wtf is wrong with him? And all the while this deep horror that I'm fundamentally flawed. Unlovable. And will be for the rest of my life.

For me, it's this easy, this fast, regardless of my recovery: Engage with him. Think everything is fine and I'm strong enough to stay sane but before I know it, I feel just like I used to! Someone should make a commercial about it.

Doesn't take long. Somewhere deep inside I know that I'm not really screwed, but still have that horrible I want to run screaming feeling.

This is about me, by the way. My broken-ness. Not his alcoholicsm or affair. It's really about my sickness. My inability to be close to him, on any level. I'm too damaged (as he's told me for years) and it's true. I look like the crazy person, especially now that he's been sober for what? three weeks?

Accepting myself has always been a false presentation. Outside, it sure looks that way. Inside, I'm a mess.

Picked up my "journey from abandonment to healing" book last night and prayed and opened it right to where I needed to read. I'll take it with me and try to get some reading in even though it's really 24/7 working while I"m there.

Thank you everyone. Please comment, if you can, about codie relapse and I dont' mean what a jerkwad your A is, but rather how quickly things can deteriorate when contact is not kept to a minimum.

I've been going to class, going to Alanon to get back on my feet. Guess I should just accept that this is my life. This is going to happen to me, even if I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm human, flawed and life can be a roller coaster.

I'm working on not beating myself up over this one too, so please, if you feel compelled to lecture me about NC and my choices, I've already done that.

I'm also going to try to find a therapist that doesn't charge $70 an hour when I get back to try to suck this PTSD out of my brain.

See ya in a week, if I don't die on the MF plane!

transformyself

Here's the commercial:

Happy woman walking through a summer field

Voiceover: You may THINK you're in control. You may THINK you can handle contact with your alcoholic, but can you really?

Thunder clouds roll in. Woman appears terrified and runs for her life

Voiceover: We here at Al-anon will help you control your urges to interact with your alcoholic. Help you focus on yourself and your own recovery. Join us today and see what Al-anon can do for you.

Storm downpours on woman who sobs in field, muddy and disheveled. Large Al-anon cartoon thing comes along and helps her up, walks her up the hill towards sunshine while she looks around confused.

Hopeworks

Like the candle to the moth we are drawn into the mesmerizing flame... yep ... remember those days with XAH #1!

No lectures from me .. been there and got the t-shirt. Just finished another post about how well educated, bright, successful and extremely knowlegable woman end up making the same mistakes over and over!

Are we doomed???? Nope. Statistically your plane will make it and eventually you will detach from you know who once your little mothy wings get burned enough. lol.

OK... heres my contribution... I like to use funny imaging that include a little violence (abused ACOA...working on this) to help me in the weak moments.

You are obviously a rational and bright gal and your rational self is riding your emotional self... but your emotional self is a huge elephant and all that you are currently using as your tiny rider rational self is a little flimsy bit and bridle to control JUMBO. You think you are in control but really your emotional self is rampaging through the village trampling everything in its path.

Visualize the elephant. Now... when the elephant wants you to email, telephone, text or whatever ... WHAT is your plan???

Is it the bridle and bit only? No you need something more. How about a whip? Smaclk that elephant hard right between the ears!

Still want to call? Get out the big stick...real big. Baseball bat works. Smack the elephant right between the eyes!

STill want to call? Get out the tranquilizer gun... put that elephant to sleep!

The elephant won't go down? Get out the stun gun, if that doesn't work you may need to grab the elephant gun that looks like a cannon!

While the elephant is incapacitated make sure you put on massive leg irons (like Dumbo's Mom Jumbo) and stick lots of duck tape on the elephants mouth... about six rolls.

If you need more ideas on how to tame your elephant just pm...

You can tame JUMBO... whatever it takes!

Have fun in Cali and take care of you!

tallulah

I went NC with my ex immediately. Admittedly it was because of what he did in our final moments together, that I would probably have had my a** kicked by everyone that knew me if I'd spoken to him after what he did.. and the handy little court order stopping him contacting me.. but it was THE best thing for my sanity. If life hadn't thrown those obstacles in the way, keeping him from me and me from him, it might have been very different.

I know you're not in the same situation, but you could get some a** kickers to pull you out if/when you're thinking of contacting him or if he contacts you (?).

Tx

transformyself

Well I can't be completly NC with him at the moment (trust me) but am working on that fix. It's why I'm working on both coasts and enduring contact, so I can have financial independence and be free of this.

So my situation is tricky, so I need to be NC emotionally and, apparently, beat the living daylights out of the elephant when it rears it's ugly, invisible head :rotfxko

transformyself

Hey, that's a pretty good commercial. Written in like three minutes. Maybe I should do that work instead of drug policy reform. Or in addition to, as a freelancer, can't have too many jobs.

Thumper

Well I just want to rush in and rescue that poor elephant, lol.

I think you are being to hard on yourself. You have hundreds of people here, with all kinds of recovery and great levels of health, that have shared they were/are unable to keep up with the kind of relationship you are trying to manage with him. Especially without any significant space of no contact, so as to make a seperate inner world for a new relationship. I'm not trying to lecture, just trying to remind you that not being super human doesn't mean you are flawed.

Maybe there is some missing acceptance that this kind of relationship can't work at this time. That isn't about being damaged. The square peg will never fit in the round hole no matter how much we counsel the peg. If you must maintain this level of contact, then be gentle with yourself while trying to work through the fallout.

StarCat

Very nice commercial, transformie. ((((transformyself)))))

I am extremely grateful regarding no contact with XABF.

When he broke it to send an email, I was a complete mess.
I am grateful it was only email, as I know I cannot deal with him in person.
He will either try to "win me back" by being so apologetic, or the reptilian part of him will come out and I will be a complete mess.

When he replied back to my email regarding getting him his things back, I was a mess again. I could see the manipulation, I recognized it, and it still made me sick. I posted about it here, I called my therapist, I called my friend from Al-Anon, I was a mess.
Keep in mind, these are "just emails".

When I spoke on the phone with his sister the first time, I was a mess again.
I learned that some of his manipulations were truths.
It took awhile for me to come to terms with it being "okay" that I distrusted his truths as well as his lies.
Now I remind myself that it's just another sign that the relationship is unhealthy, and we cannot continue.

We work at the same company, although not in the same department, and I do not have to work with him on any projects anymore.
Still, we have some mutual friends, and I have been doing my best to not hint that anything is wrong when they mention his name.
(I am not trying to cover for him, but it's not my problem to tell, and since very few people knew we were dating, it's not my place to say anything. This is part of my detachment. The few who did know we were dating, also know the problem, with only one exception - again, not my place to tell him, unless it becomes an issue for me.)

transformyself

thumper that is perfect! Thank you.

right now I just wish someone were here to write YOU ARE ALL TOOLS across my back in Sharpie- a message for the TSA as I go through that whole body scan at the airport.

Taking sedatives now. See you guys next weekend, if I don't die on the plane.

transformyself

ps- I put an old high school boyfriend on a plane that crashed in front of me in the late 80's. I know this is an unrealistic fear, but really really still hate flying.
love, charmie

yorkiegirl

I have no advice to give, but just to say how I am struggling with my own codie recovery. I really appreciate your sharing, Transform!

For myself, I am trying to go to Alanon when I can, read from this forum, put up the serenity prayer (the long version) everywhere so I can see it (in my car, my office, on my bedside, etc.) I found a website "Guess what Normal is" for ACOAs which has a lot of great articles too. I have to keep in check when I am "HALT" (hungry, angry,lonely & tired *but* especially when I am *tired*).

Learn2Live

All I know is that guy ****** you up every time. When I get all ******* up like that dealing with someone I absolutely cannot avoid dealing with, I have to step back and ask myself what I am trying to get from this person. What need am I seeking to fulfill? Then, I accept that this person is NEVER going to fulfill that need (because he never has) and accept that I have to fulfill it myself or ask my Higher Power to fulfill it. Maybe take a look at the list on my Relationship Needs thread and something will pop out at you.

JenT1968

I don't imagine you're any more "flawed" than any other human being on the planet. Perfection doesn't exist, we all have our own particular blend of issues that we're working through (or not). Ex and I bring out the worst of each others issues. we cannot communicate in any way that is effective, non-confrontational and satisfying to both of us. We have weekly contact, he'll be here for his weekend contact with the kids in a couple of hours, i handle this with varying degrees of serenity from budda-like calm (very rare) to full-on pissed-off/anxious mess. But progress not perfection I am getting way better at letting my attitude go after the event and accepting that this is who I am right now. I won't be like this forever, the situation won't be forever, and I really am doing the very best I can, which is going to have to do for now.

you are doing the very best you can right now, and that is good enough.

tallulah

Ugh, sorry to hear that because it sounds like dealing with him drives you to distraction.

Tx

CSHNow

I wish I could figure out how to KILL the bloody elephant..... emotions seem to rule my life ! Hate it. I am losing friends and family because I am emotional.. so far my best bet is to distract myself, stay busy, act "as if" but it is really hard to do with an elephant underneath ! Worst of all I am sure everyone can see the elephant anyway !

Learn2Live

I killed my "emotional elephant" CSH. I learned how to control my emotions by controlling my thoughts.

chicory

[I] was thinking that very thing, transformyself! you got talent!

your worries can wait- have some fun, make some money, and focus on the things that you can do something about. let go and let God. write some more commercials- that was very good!

chicory

Tuffgirl

I imposed NC because of the nasty Friday night conversation. Not because of HIM, though. Because of me. I can't keep my mouth shut either. I get sucked right back into the cycle of defend and attack. I get angry pretty quickly. And I am realizing that I, too, am mean right back. I don't like who I have become in this marriage, so I am going to change that.

You sound normal, having emotions like we all do, and on top of that flying which obviously is a stressor. I second Thumper - maybe you are being too hard on yourself. Every time I talk to my A, I cry afterwards. I can't help it. But I am getting better. Progress, not perfection, right?!

CSHNow

Well thanks for the comment. I have been working on that. Doesn't work for me. All it does is make me walk around with a look on my face like I sucked a lemon ! The elephant analogy is good because it describes emotions well. Thoughts are "other than" emotions. If they weren't then women wouldn't likely have PMS emotion in my humble opinion. I do believe we are what we think we are but feelings and emotions are NOT controlled by thinking. I doubt that we can think away a feeling. Input and debate is welcome.

TakingCharge999

Thanks for the elephant visualization, I am for sure going to apply it. I would do all those things and worse!! #%#%/$ damn elephant not letting me live my life and putting me in constant stress!!

What sometimes helps me is imagining I am watching my life from outside as if it was a movie... and going "wow! I wonder how she is going to get out from this mess now!!" as if I was the heroine in complicated situations but with lots of attitude, guts, looks, strength, hidden and not-so-hidden talents & tricks... like Nikita the spy or Tomb Raider lol... or Metroid, the 80s videogame heroine... everyone thought he was a guy kicking a$$ alone somewhere in outer space and NO! she was a woman.

I also imagine the heroine ending up even better than when she started the adventures, having a martini in an exotic place. After fantasizing where that could be, and what would I be wearing, the situation has changed and I focus on living the present and realizing there is no longer any threat for me. That "I am free in this moment" like Bernadette says. Til next time.

Oh well, whatever it takes....
HUGS