ok back on the plane and triggered
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22
"I learned that some of his manipulations were truths.
It took awhile for me to come to terms with it being "okay" that I distrusted his truths as well as his lies.
Now I remind myself that it's just another sign that the relationship is unhealthy, and we cannot continue."
Starcat - thank you for this! really powerful for me right now.
It took awhile for me to come to terms with it being "okay" that I distrusted his truths as well as his lies.
Now I remind myself that it's just another sign that the relationship is unhealthy, and we cannot continue."
Starcat - thank you for this! really powerful for me right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
More on "The Idiot's Guide to Taming Jumbo" and how to detach successfully...
My best friend is one of the prettiest, brightest most successful businesswoman I know but when she divorced her husband (codie like most us on the thread) she was blissfully happy ... until he hooked up with a gf and she realized she had lost "control" of the situation.
She fell apart... complete and utter basket case... for months. She was in therapy and had several friends who she depended on for support. I was her main lifeline and I got phone calls day and night as she struggled to keep Jumbo in a duct taped straghtjacket.
The question I posed to her during our calls or texts was "HOw is Jumbo today"? Jumbo could be bellowing and trampling the village or peacefully munching hay or weaving back and forth on its chains... but Jumbo was always being watched and my gf concentrated on keeping Jumbo contained.
Just recently Jumbo just shriveled up and has been nowhere to be found ... she says Jumbo is on the back 40 now and she even forgets that she existed. It will happen...it takes time but it comes quicker once we get a grip on Jumbo.
A support network of "Jumbo watchers" is helpful ... like the A who calls his sponsor when fighting the compulsion to drink you can call a friend who knows the situation when you are fighting the overwhelming urge or compulsion to contact a toxic X. Involving a friend or friends will help you keep your commitment to yourself to detach...
My best friend is one of the prettiest, brightest most successful businesswoman I know but when she divorced her husband (codie like most us on the thread) she was blissfully happy ... until he hooked up with a gf and she realized she had lost "control" of the situation.
She fell apart... complete and utter basket case... for months. She was in therapy and had several friends who she depended on for support. I was her main lifeline and I got phone calls day and night as she struggled to keep Jumbo in a duct taped straghtjacket.
The question I posed to her during our calls or texts was "HOw is Jumbo today"? Jumbo could be bellowing and trampling the village or peacefully munching hay or weaving back and forth on its chains... but Jumbo was always being watched and my gf concentrated on keeping Jumbo contained.
Just recently Jumbo just shriveled up and has been nowhere to be found ... she says Jumbo is on the back 40 now and she even forgets that she existed. It will happen...it takes time but it comes quicker once we get a grip on Jumbo.
A support network of "Jumbo watchers" is helpful ... like the A who calls his sponsor when fighting the compulsion to drink you can call a friend who knows the situation when you are fighting the overwhelming urge or compulsion to contact a toxic X. Involving a friend or friends will help you keep your commitment to yourself to detach...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Good morning ((T))
Since my AH and I work at the same place I see him everyday even though we don't live together anymore and we have no contact. So it is easy for me to fall back into old patterns of thinking.
I do things like journal and have things to read for bolstering all over my office and at home. I certainly talk and read here. Also have always liked crosswords, crytograms, sodukos etc for mindful releases when my brain is spinning out of control. Helps to focus and slow down as a distraction.
But I wanted to say that changing these patterns takes time just like it takes the A time to learn how to live without the A. We are not only learning how to live without the A in our lives but how to live life differently sometimes in many ways. So how does one learn to change - just like exercising a muscle or learning an instrument - practice =practice=practice! I see relapses/slips as big opportunity to practice this change. It is much easier to practice when we are doing well, it is real practice when we actually have to move from one place mentally/emotionally to another.
Change then becomes evident by it happening less often, less frequently, we stay in it less time, etc. Much of this is reaction is brain based which is why it seems so hard but repetition makes it happen.
Since my AH and I work at the same place I see him everyday even though we don't live together anymore and we have no contact. So it is easy for me to fall back into old patterns of thinking.
I do things like journal and have things to read for bolstering all over my office and at home. I certainly talk and read here. Also have always liked crosswords, crytograms, sodukos etc for mindful releases when my brain is spinning out of control. Helps to focus and slow down as a distraction.
But I wanted to say that changing these patterns takes time just like it takes the A time to learn how to live without the A. We are not only learning how to live without the A in our lives but how to live life differently sometimes in many ways. So how does one learn to change - just like exercising a muscle or learning an instrument - practice =practice=practice! I see relapses/slips as big opportunity to practice this change. It is much easier to practice when we are doing well, it is real practice when we actually have to move from one place mentally/emotionally to another.
Change then becomes evident by it happening less often, less frequently, we stay in it less time, etc. Much of this is reaction is brain based which is why it seems so hard but repetition makes it happen.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
OOo I wish I had the time right now to read through all of this, but am checking in while working frantically. I'll come back soon though.
This
realistically, I think this is a perception based on limited information. I don't ever come here and tell you great things about AH, I think because I expect for it to be shot down.
So, you're only seeing the very ugliest of our interactions. I don't tell you how he moves into my place for a week while I"m gone, completely cleans the entire house, feeds the kids, does a great job as dad (and partner) and asks what else he can do to make my life easier.
I only talk about the triggers. . Those emotional PTSD triggers that take over my brain.
I also don't tell you that he's paid my rent-all 1100 of it- every month since I moved out in August 2009. I worry every now and then that he'll stop, but he doesnt. He takes care of us financially, going to work to a job he hates every day so he can provide for his family.
Yes, he's had an affair, yes i"m still triggered by it at times, yes he's an alcoholic and has earned the loathsome response I have to him at times, but realistically, I am misrepresenting him here on some levels and want to make sure that's made clear.
When I go NC it's usually because I'm not able to STFU and mind my own business.. Run my own program.
This
All I know is that guy ****** you up every time.
So, you're only seeing the very ugliest of our interactions. I don't tell you how he moves into my place for a week while I"m gone, completely cleans the entire house, feeds the kids, does a great job as dad (and partner) and asks what else he can do to make my life easier.
I only talk about the triggers. . Those emotional PTSD triggers that take over my brain.
I also don't tell you that he's paid my rent-all 1100 of it- every month since I moved out in August 2009. I worry every now and then that he'll stop, but he doesnt. He takes care of us financially, going to work to a job he hates every day so he can provide for his family.
Yes, he's had an affair, yes i"m still triggered by it at times, yes he's an alcoholic and has earned the loathsome response I have to him at times, but realistically, I am misrepresenting him here on some levels and want to make sure that's made clear.
When I go NC it's usually because I'm not able to STFU and mind my own business.. Run my own program.
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