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I am leaving my husband and it just seems so sad

Old 02-12-2011, 04:42 PM
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I am leaving my husband and it just seems so sad

We have been married for 23 years. When we were younger and single we both drank/partied. I "assumed" that once we settled down and started our family we would just stop. I did, he couldnt.

He is not physically abusive, very passive when he drinks and pretty much stays out in the garage drinking himself into a stupor before he stumbles in the house to pass out. What a life. He works during the day and drinks alone in his garage at night. The only time we really spend together is at supper time.

I rarely go out socially with him anymore because he drinks so much he falls asleep wherever he is.

I've thought of leaving him many times during our marriage but stayed. I dont feel angry, I dont feel broken hearted, I barely feel anything. He came in the house tonight, ate supper and passed out on the couch. Nothing major happened but I came to the realization tonight that I just cant do it anymore. I deserve better. It is not ok with my anymore. And yet I feel sad. Sad for what we could have. Sad that I will have to "go through" whatever it takes to get through. Sad that my kids will be hurt. Sad that I will be starting over at 50 years old.
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Old 02-12-2011, 04:50 PM
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Wow, Cantdoit. I could've written this post myself. I think you should change your name to Candoit ~ because you can do it.

It is very sad to see a marriage end.

Wishing you peace!
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Old 02-12-2011, 04:54 PM
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Cantdoit,

I am feeling your post. It is sad when a marriage ends. And as you've written, "what could have been. . . " I guess you know when it's time.

50 may seem old but it's not. You still have a whole life ahead of you. I am sending you positive energy.

Warm hugs!
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Old 02-12-2011, 05:33 PM
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Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

My spouse and I made it just a tad
short of our 25 yr. marriage when
the divorce became final.

I entered rehab when we were into
our 7th year marriage and today Im
20 yrs sober.

Our marriage didnt make it because
when one is sick in the family the entire
family is affected. I got into recovery
where my spouse and kids went on
with their lives growing and changing
their own way and I grew and change
the other way.

My husband was busy with his work
and the kids were into school and
band. Me with recovery, being a mom
and hanging on to the wife role.

I was sooooo unhappy because my
family didnt understand the recovery
changes that happened to me as I
grew and changed.

Anyway....my marriage ended on
a very good note thank God and
I remarried later coming up on
my 2nd yr. anniversary living happy
joyous and free riding passanger
on our Harley, traveling and
have a solid recovery foundation
to live and grow by each day.

All this and Im 51 yrs old.
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Old 02-12-2011, 05:33 PM
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Hi Candoit and welcome to SR

I have the same story too. Married 22yrs, met at 15yrs, now 45yrs old.

I choose to stay with my AH (for now but things could change) I am very ambivalent about it.

My AH drinks everyday (on his own) and gets very sleepy and I feel very lonely at times but I do have days with my AH when everything feels 'normal' and I am happy and content and this is what makes me feel stuck, so I stay.

Have you tried Al-anon or speaking to a therapist with alcohol experience, it may help you to come to terms with all the sadness that you feel surrounding your decision.

It is a grieving process, when you realise that your not going to have the marriage, relationship, future that you hoped for or planned and that is very sad.

If your children are anything like mine (20yr and 23yrs), they will be happy that you are finally getting a 'life' for yourself. My youngest doesn't understand why I stay with her dad and put up with what I do.

I haven't quite got to your stage yet of leaving, but I do think about it regularly and even picture my new life in a positive way. Al-anon/therapy will help you focus on yourself and your needs, whats best for you and help you come to terms with your decision to leave.
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Old 02-12-2011, 05:45 PM
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I have been married for 10 years and have 2 young kids with my STBXAW. I struggled with the decision to leave for a long time. If I did not have kids I would have been long gone. For a while I went thru the "stay in it for the kids phase", but soon realized I would be doing way more harm then good if I did. I think everyone's breaking point is different, but just know you are doing exactly what you need to do for you and no one else. For that you should feel proud. I know for me there will be some tough times ahead, but all I can say is when I finally made the decision to leave it felt like a million pounds was lifted off of my shoulders. Good luck and I wish you happiness.
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Old 02-12-2011, 05:49 PM
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Talking to a therapist may be a good idea, help me to work through things ....thanks so much
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Old 02-12-2011, 05:53 PM
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Hi cantdoit. to SR
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Old 02-12-2011, 06:32 PM
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It is terribly sad. I just told my husband a few days ago that we need to separate, and most likely divorce. I realized I'd been staying with him, living this life, because of what we dreamed our life would be. I was so attached to this fantasy in my head, of all the things we COULD do and all the things we MIGHT have. But I have to look at our marriage for what it is now. Because this is all it may ever be. And that's not enough for me. I'm crying a lot these days, but it's the dream I'm letting go of. Best to you.
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:15 PM
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Candoit - I divorced my AH after 27 years. I will tell you that there IS life after this, and you can find happiness. I did. Just being away from the non-existent relationship and watching him self-destruct before my eyes is a blessing. We can't live their lives. Only our own. Life is short, make the MOST of yours!
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Old 02-12-2011, 09:00 PM
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This May will be 26 years for my AH and I. He went into therapy a year ago April but it didn't last. He did it for me and the family but hasn't been able to do it for himself. I have been taking notes, saving money, getting advice from here and some friends, and am prepared to contact a lawyer this week. I agree it is sad...I feel it especially for my children as well. We've made it this far...we are survivors in more ways than one. We can do this! I think my kids will be happy that I'm finally making the move.
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Old 02-12-2011, 09:55 PM
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Hi Cantdoit,
I'm in the same shape as you and married well over 30 yrs. My AH thinks everything is fabulous and I have a feeling that he'll always think that as long as he's drinking. I'm so sick of this life with him but he doesn't get it and I really don't think he ever will. I told my counselor one day about him drinking all day and then in the evening saying he wanted to watch a movie with me. He would immediately fall asleep as soon as he sat down. My AH is also not physically abusive though I would say that he is emotionally abusive. He doesn't pay attention to me at all and then anytime I try to discuss anything with him he doesn't want to talk about, he says that I'm trying to start something. It's an impossible relationship that we are seeking with these men. I know that we can do better and that we can do it.

I talked to a lawyer this week, and he told me to talk to him. I know that when I talk to him he'll either:
1. not take me seriously or
2. try to get revenge because he is taking me seriously or
3. try to manipulate me into feeling guilty for even thinking such a horrible thought.

How do we even approach the subject with our AHs who are so out of touch? I know that life has more to offer us than what we are getting from them. I know happy couples who really love each other and are happy many years after marriage. Heck, at this point I don't even care if I'm alone for awhile because I'll probably need that time to get my serenity.

It's amazing that we can live with our AHs for so long and they don't really know us and we don't know them.

I know we can both do this. I'll encourage you and you encourage me and all the others like us on here who are tired of living their dream and not ours.

I agree it is sad and especially around Valentine's day. I don't even feel like pretending with him anymore.
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Old 02-13-2011, 01:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Cantdoit View Post
Talking to a therapist may be a good idea, help me to work through things ....thanks so much
Just make sure you phone around and find someone who has experience of alcohol issues - it make all the difference. Al-anon is pretty good too if you can find a meeting in your area.
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Old 02-13-2011, 09:13 AM
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So true it is only a fantasy - not an easy one to swallow but it is the truth for me - he is 53 years old and the ONLY time he does something different is when I've "threatened" to leave. Always very temporary and doesnt seek out help just stops for a while.
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Old 02-13-2011, 09:16 AM
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"Just being away from the non-existent relationship and watching him self-destruct before my eyes is a blessing."

WOW - that is us a "non-existent relationship" - and seeing him willing killing himself between smoking and drinking ....
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Old 02-13-2011, 09:25 AM
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Geez are we married to the same man!!

I've decided to talk with a lawyer and get financial things in order before I talk to him. I did some research online - I live in Ontario, Canada and if I understand it right I may have to pay him spousal support. Income equalization thing? If I end up having to pay him support for extra booze money I will ... I dont know what I'll do. That would really kill me. Wont fret about it now/wait until I get the facts.

I'm starting to feel angry with him that due to his choices our lives cant continue together and so much of what we've worked for, planned for, will be lost.
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Old 02-13-2011, 09:27 AM
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Thanks for that - good advise - will see what we have here for Alanon groups...
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Old 02-13-2011, 09:44 AM
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I personally think that feeling sad is the natural thing.
I'm not exactly sad today but annoyed...but most days I swing to the grateful or sad side of things...
not so much anger ...that does get better.
I feel for you.
It sucks. There is no other way to put it.
I get mad at myself for feeling that way when I put it in the perspective of ...how can I feel sad when I don't want this life for myself or my kids? Then I turn that anger on him...how can you do this to us? WILLINGLY? and then I swing back...and get mad again that I'm not seeing how jacked up this situation is and that I'm sad I'm losing a person that treats me so badly.
I've got nothing.
I do understand though.
It just sucks.
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Old 02-13-2011, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Eight Ball View Post
Just make sure you phone around and find someone who has experience of alcohol issues - it make all the difference. Al-anon is pretty good too if you can find a meeting in your area.
Ditto on making sure the counselor has experience with alcohol issues!! I have gone to therapists with no experience in alcoholism, and I couldn't believe how he was able to take them on his ride. I just expected them to be more professional than that, but as we always say here, if you've never experienced it, you just don't know.

Get someone who KNOWS!
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Old 02-13-2011, 11:24 AM
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Girlfriend, I left my AH after 20 years last summer. I know the sadness of which you speak. But let me assure you (though I'm a young thing in comparison -- I'm only 45! ) that there is a life on the other side of leaving. A life that can be good.

Divorcing an A is radical weightloss surgery -- except the weight doesn't come off your rear end, it comes off your shoulders. I'm sorry you have to go through it, it's not easy, but it's still better than the alternative when you've come to the emotional place you're at.

Big hugs to you.
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