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Great links from TakingCharge999, Thanks!

Old 02-12-2011, 10:50 AM
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Great links from TakingCharge999, Thanks!

TakingCharge999,
The links you posted in the "should I run" thread really resonated with me last night and this morning - still not done reading, either.

Apparently I can't post links yet or I would include them here, so I ask you to please post again under this thread because there may be many others out there who would find them as relevant as I did.

At least something worthwhile may out of that crazy thread!

Thank you for sharing those - is what I need to be focusing on today.
~T

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Old 02-12-2011, 07:49 PM
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Hi Tuffgirl I am glad you are reading these articles.

They really speak to me and describe everything perfectly. I have read them a hundred times already and am reading them again tonight!

Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Dependency - Relationship
Dependency - Relationship

This one has some harsh truths:
CoDependency & Love Addiction
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:02 PM
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From Addiction, Lies and Relationships

One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.

"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. You'll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"

But it does happen again and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.

################################################## #################################

I recall how XABF cried and cried and cried and cried saying "never again".... forget Natalie Portman, he could have won the Oscar with his acting. I am so grateful I am just reading about this - no longer spending my Saturday night living it.
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
Hi Tuffgirl I am glad you are reading these articles.

They really speak to me and describe everything perfectly. I have read them a hundred times already and am reading them again tonight!

Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Dependency - Relationship
Dependency - Relationship

This one has some harsh truths:
CoDependency & Love Addiction

Takingcharge-I was reading the last article about the "Avoidance Addict".....The article says avoidance addicts are not available for a relationship even if they pretend to be. They are often focused on addictions such as drug and alcohol use, work, or sexual affairs. Do you know any more info about these kind of addicts and what caused them to be that way?
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:30 PM
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Hi duqld!!
I found this other link about avoidance addicts & love addicts:

Love Addiction And The Christian | Help For Gods Hurting People

Ouch... I am reading it and its like they had a camera and watched me the last 2 years.


The neediness of the Love Addict evidentially overwhelms the Avoidance Addict. The Avoidance Addict then becomes critical and mean. He then does anything and everything to avoid the trap he feels the Love Addict has set for him. He thinks if she hates him she will leave him alone.


Another "aha" moment for me..

I liked this last part:

This dance can go on and on for years. It only ends when the Love Addict realizes that she deserves better. Love Addicts need to face the fact that an Avoidance Addict, without a lot of counseling, never changes.

If you are a Love Addict you can change. The first step is, like with any other addiction, to admit that YOU have a problem. You then have to go cold turkey off of relationships until you can handle a relationship in which you can go slowly.

You will need to learn that constant drama in relationships is not normal and that you can be happy without a constant string of “bad boys” causing dysfunction in your life.

It takes time to know someone. Good relationships take both people being “present.” They take work. They need to be nourished by both people. The giving of gifts should be equal.

Start today to read all you can about Love Addiction. Realize why you are like you are and take steps to change. Find a good relationship counselor or a group of recovering Love Addicts to join. There is going to be a better day. Knowledge is the first step towards reclaiming your power.
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:38 PM
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This is sooooo my previous relationship with my ex!! Not only did he have a drinking problem he was an Avoidance Addict as well. Everytime I wanted to get more serious or make plans with him for the future or ask for more commitment, he crawled in a hole and couldnt get away from me fast enough!! Makes so much sense to me now. I love that I learned a new term today-Avoidance Addict. We should start a new thread on this term.
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:39 PM
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Seems this is a good book for the ones in the "love addict" side of the fence!!

Amazon.com: Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love (9780062506047): Pia Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller, J. Keith Miller: Books
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:44 PM
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Originally Posted by duqld1717 View Post
This is sooooo my previous relationship with my ex!! Not only did he have a drinking problem he was an Avoidance Addict as well. Everytime I wanted to get more serious or make plans with him for the future or ask for more commitment, he crawled in a hole and couldnt get away from me fast enough!! Makes so much sense to me now. I love that I learned a new term today-Avoidance Addict. We should start a new thread on this term.
Yep - I hear ya and agree with the thread!

I am still plowing through the links - have been reading on and off all day today. These are great sites... thanks again for sharing them.

This one really speaks to me right now:

Normal defense mechanisms of particular importance in the maintenance of addictive disease include denial, paranoid projection, avoidance, isolation of affect, rationalization and intellectualization. In the psychodynamic hierarchy of mental defense mechanisms denial and paranoid projection are regarded as psychotic defenses because their fundamental character involves a severe disruption of reality testing that causes the afflicted individual to lose touch with consensual reality and to dwell increasingly in a world and reality of his own. Individuals relying heavily upon primitive psychotic mental defense mechanisms such as denial and paranoid projection are relatively or even wholly inaccessible to corrective influences such as logic, data, or the opinions of others. One therefore cannot reason them out of their beliefs or persuade them to change their minds, regardless of how compelling the contrary data and reasons might seem to anyone but the individual 'in denial.'

No more and no more

There is NO POINT, is there?! For some reason, this feels very freeing. I am not the crazy one, after all. *phew* I really did believe that for a while!
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:47 PM
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Yes duqld the issues with mine started when I moved in with him.

They have to leave to feel better mentally and physically. They will leave at all costs. More times then not they bring another woman into the mix as a way of letting the Love Addict know “it’s over.”

Check

At the end of the relationship the Love Addict begins to “bomb” the Avoidance Addict with emails, phone calls and letter.

Check

In her mind she remembers the way he was in the beginning and she wants that fantasy and romance back at any cost.

Check

Many Love Addicts have done some desperate things to try and recapture those fantasy moments. Sometimes, in a last ditch effort, they attempt suicide only to find out the Avoidance Addict could care less.

Yes, I started having suicidal thoughts. Wow.

If you are a Love Addict you can change.

Love Addicts need to face the fact that an Avoidance Addict, without a lot of counseling, never changes.


XABF laughed at counseling.
I have changed a lot these last 2 years. He is still the same. Or worse.


"Avoidance is opposite to maturity"... so so true....




Oh well I am posting the whole article here... lol... I am shocked as how accurate these articles are!!
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:55 PM
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Yeesh - I have some of those "love addict" traits! But I am also a Mom, suicide is NOT an option for me, ever.

But last night's phone call to the RAH was a strange, anxiety fueled, early-relationship fantasy-laden delusion on my part. I shouldn't have called in that frame of mind.

I don't love quickly and easily, but when I do - its pretty - well - all the way?!

Sometimes I feel like I cram it down his throat.
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