How To Identify Relationship Needs
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
How To Identify Relationship Needs
I am not sure if this thread belongs in this forum, or maybe the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum, but I'm going to share it here because this is where I feel most comfortable on this board. I hope it is helpful to someone here and/or you will want to share with me your reactions, or ES&H.
Rayn3Drop's thread last night really got me thinking about myself and my current relationship and the way I have historically felt in probably all my past relationships: In large part, hurt, unsure, discounted, insignificant, etc. Basically, not getting my needs met. It never seemed like the good outweighed the bad in those relationships, so I moved on time and again, and apparently that is my M.O.
This time, though, I want to do it differently. I realize that in my current relationship, I am not getting my needs met the way I would like (though, thank goodness, it is not ANYWHERE as bad as in my past relationships, and for the most part I have really good emotional control and am much more understanding and "forgiving" of this particular person than anyone in the past).
But I also realize that I have a really difficult time communicating my needs to my partner. ANY partner. What usually happens is I start to feel a little bad because of one thing or another that I observe about the other person or the way he "treats me." I think I probably attribute whatever I don't like to something about me. (There I go, thinking I am the center of the universe again). I think I probably assume that the person just doesn't care about me. I think I feel insigificant in relationships. In past relationships, I would just cry and be all crying and thinking, "He doesn't love me because if he loved me then he would _____ and not _____." And then if I don't get the response to my crying and blubbering from him that makes me feel better, the crying and wailing and all that just escalate and I turn into a blubbering idiot. Not sure what the other person thinks of me at this point, probably that I'm really emotionally unstable, but whatever it is, normally the other person just goes about his life business as usual, which I probably tend to read as "He just doesn't care and is probably using me for something, etc." And then I get angry. All those little episodes of crying, frustration, fear, feeling unwanted and then angry, build up and then I just explode.
And now I think all that is just the way I THINK. And I now think that my ingrained thoughts and feelings about myself are that I am insignificant and I just do not matter. And that I am just a nuisance to everyone. So, based on those assumptions that I apparently hold about myself and have my entire life, of course I am going to think that I am insignificant to my partner. Because here I am, on about the tenth relationship, thinking and feeling and reacting the same ******* way I have in all the prior relationships. (Though this time, thankfully, I am not acting out nearly as much or as badly as I have historically).
But this time I'm going to do something different. And I wanted to share that with you. So here is what I'm going to do. I'm going to read this stuff I copied off some websites below and do the exercise. (I'm going to combine the two lists, which I've separated below by asterisks). I'm going to identify my needs and I'm going to communicate them to my partner and see what happens. And you can too if you want. Thanks for listening. Thanks for sharing.
How to Identify Your Relationship Needs In a previous relationship help article (Relationship Needs: Are Your Needs Hurting Your Relationship), we explored how a sense of entitlement (holding unrealistic relationship expectations that your spouse/partner should and can meet all your needs) sets up a slippery slope that can undermine your marriage/relationship. Just as damaging to your relationship is the denial and failure to acknowledge your relationship needs—to yourself and to your spouse/partner.
The fulfillment of our emotional and physical needs is central to our well-being, to feeling psychologically whole, engaged and fully alive in the world. But most of us haven’t been raised and taught to identify and effectively communicate our emotional needs.
Relationship Needs: The most important step is knowing where to start
The first and most important step in this process is being able to clearly identify your needs (which is not always an easy task). All too often couples are more attuned to the fallout of not getting their needs met (consequences such as depression, anger, resentment, a lack of intimacy) than they are at proactively identifying and communicating these needs.
Below is a list of relationship needs to help you begin the process of identifying your needs. As you read through the list, it’s important to note that not all of the listed needs will resonate for you (and you might think of some of your own needs that aren’t listed here). The goal is to identify which needs speak to you the loudest—which are most relevant to your life and to your relationship, and which needs (when met) will bring you the greatest fulfillment.
List of Relationship Needs
Acceptance (feeling accepted for who you are)
Acknowledgment (having your actions and efforts noticed; feeling like who you are matters to your partner)
Adoration
Adventure
Affection (to express and experience affection)
Appreciation (giving and receiving of appreciation)
Availability (to experience each other as available when needed)
Belief (to be believed in and taken seriously)
Camaraderie (sense of togetherness)
Care (to show caring and to feel cared for)
Certainty
Challenge (to feel challenged to grow and evolve)
Cherished
Closeness (experience emotional connection)
Comfort
Competence (to feel competent/capable)
Compromise
Commitment
Consistency
Contentment
Cooperation
Dependability
Desire (to express and feel desired)
Devotion
Discovery (continued sense of mutual discovery)
Emotional safety and security
Encouragement (to give and receive encouragement)
Esteem (to esteem your partner and feel esteemed by him/her)
Excitement
Exploration (shared sense of adventure in the world)
Familiarity
Fidelity
Flexibility (openness and willingness to change)
Freedom (to be yourself and experiment with new ways of being)
Harmony
Honesty Individuality (having space for individual interests/pursuits)
Influence (to emotionally impact your partner)
Intellectuality (sharing knowledge/challenging each other)
Intimacy (deep emotional connection)
Love (to give and receive love)
Mutuality
Negotiation
Novelty
Nurturance (to feel nurtured and to help your partner feel nurtured)
Openness (continual openness to each others’ uniqueness/individuality)
Peacefulness
Passion
Playfulness
Predictability
Presence (to feel your partner is emotionally present)
Reassurance (to be reassured when needed)
Recognition
Reliability
Respect
Sacrifice
Safety/security (emotional, financial, physical)
Sensitivity
Sensuousness
Sex
Shared/mutual interests
Socialization
Spirituality (spiritual sharing/connection)
Spontaneity
Stability
Support
Teamwork
Touch
Trust (to trust and be trusted)
Understood (to understand and feel understood)
Vitality (need to feel profoundly alive through emotional connection)
Valued (feel important/like you matter)
Vastness (to experience a mutual connection with something greater than yourselves)
(Please add any additional needs that might not be listed above)
Relationship Reality: The intensity of a particular need can wax and wane depending on the phase of your life (e.g. after retirement the need for adventure might become more central than before)–and the context/circumstances that you are in will also impact which needs increase or decrease in relevance (e.g. after struggling emotionally for a period time, an increase in the need for security and harmony might be heightened).
Needs aren’t static: Think of your relationship needs as multidimensional—influenced by your unique developmental history, genetics/biology, as well as context (the current and ever-changing circumstances of your life).
The challenge and goal is to remain mindful of the shifting landscape of your relationship needs and to effectively share your evolving needs with your spouse/partner.
***
Identify Your NeedsThis is an exercise that I set for my clients. It should take you about 30 minutes. I know, I know - you're not use to doing exercises on the internet. But really, this is a truly important step for you to take in working out whether you should stay or go.
If you don't like doing things on the screen then print it off onto paper and do it like that. Or save it for later and come back to the remaining pages once you've completed the exercise.
You already know that 'needs' are basic requirements that must be fulfilled if you are to feel happy in life. If your needs are not met, then you tend to spend your time feeling unsatisfied and doing everything you can to get them met, either directly or indirectly. If your key needs are not being met in a relationship you will never have a stable or truly fulfilling relationship.
Ideally you would get your needs met outside of the relationship as well. However, if your partner can naturally provide for your needs then it serves as a very strong base on which to build a relationship.
Identify Your Top 10
Read the list of words in the tables below and (if you've printed it off) circle approximately 10 that feel like they are the ones you use most often to get your needs met. If you are doing it on screen, write them down rather than circle them. If you feel embarrassed admitting to a few of them that's OK. If you spend too much time trying to justify why a particular word isn't appropriate for you, it probably is, so circle it.
As you review and circle them, ask yourself, 'Would I feel safer or more loved if this quality was provided for me by my partner?' If the answer is yes, then it's a vehicle for getting your needs met.
All the possible vehicles for getting your needs met are not listed below. If you feel that there is a more appropriate word that applies to you, feel free to add it in and circle it.
Certainty
Approval
Inclusion
Respect
Commitment
Assurance
Agreement
Routine
Security
Protection
Balance
Fully informed
Deliberate
Stability
Variety
Surprise
Adventure
Different
Passion
Outrageous
Unpredictable
Challenge
Testing
Change
Depth
Energy
Dynamic
Spontaneity
Learning
Wackiness
Playfulness
Significance
Be heard
Praise
Be remembered
Flattery
Complimented
Be prized
Appreciated
Rewarded
Thanked
Valued
Heeded
Taken care of
Loyalty
Regarded well
Be listened to
Be noticed
Independence
No lying
Frankness
Love/Connection
Liked
Cherished
Esteemed
Held fondly
Be desired
Be preferred
Be relished
Be adored
Be touched
Get attention
Be helped
Cared about
Be saved
Be attended to
Be treasured
Tenderness
Get gifts
Embraced
Share
Be told
Select Your Top 4 Relationship Needs
Not all of our needs are required by us to the same extent to make a relationship work. So now it's time to identify which ones are the highest priorities for you.
Scan back through the 10 or so that you have circled (or written down) and compare each of them with each other. For each comparison ask, 'Which is more important for me to make a successful relationship?" Put a star by each one that comes out as one of your top 4 needs.
Now list them out somewhere safe for you to keep - in the format shown below.
My top 4 needs in a relationship are:
1. __________________________________________________ __
2. __________________________________________________ __
3. __________________________________________________ __
4. __________________________________________________ __
Getting your needs met is massively important if you are to have a fulfilling life. If your partner isn't meeting them and you aren't getting them met elsewhere then you're in for a life of pain. That's why they're important!
As I've described, you must work out what your needs are and ensure they get met. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of doing this.
Rayn3Drop's thread last night really got me thinking about myself and my current relationship and the way I have historically felt in probably all my past relationships: In large part, hurt, unsure, discounted, insignificant, etc. Basically, not getting my needs met. It never seemed like the good outweighed the bad in those relationships, so I moved on time and again, and apparently that is my M.O.
This time, though, I want to do it differently. I realize that in my current relationship, I am not getting my needs met the way I would like (though, thank goodness, it is not ANYWHERE as bad as in my past relationships, and for the most part I have really good emotional control and am much more understanding and "forgiving" of this particular person than anyone in the past).
But I also realize that I have a really difficult time communicating my needs to my partner. ANY partner. What usually happens is I start to feel a little bad because of one thing or another that I observe about the other person or the way he "treats me." I think I probably attribute whatever I don't like to something about me. (There I go, thinking I am the center of the universe again). I think I probably assume that the person just doesn't care about me. I think I feel insigificant in relationships. In past relationships, I would just cry and be all crying and thinking, "He doesn't love me because if he loved me then he would _____ and not _____." And then if I don't get the response to my crying and blubbering from him that makes me feel better, the crying and wailing and all that just escalate and I turn into a blubbering idiot. Not sure what the other person thinks of me at this point, probably that I'm really emotionally unstable, but whatever it is, normally the other person just goes about his life business as usual, which I probably tend to read as "He just doesn't care and is probably using me for something, etc." And then I get angry. All those little episodes of crying, frustration, fear, feeling unwanted and then angry, build up and then I just explode.
And now I think all that is just the way I THINK. And I now think that my ingrained thoughts and feelings about myself are that I am insignificant and I just do not matter. And that I am just a nuisance to everyone. So, based on those assumptions that I apparently hold about myself and have my entire life, of course I am going to think that I am insignificant to my partner. Because here I am, on about the tenth relationship, thinking and feeling and reacting the same ******* way I have in all the prior relationships. (Though this time, thankfully, I am not acting out nearly as much or as badly as I have historically).
But this time I'm going to do something different. And I wanted to share that with you. So here is what I'm going to do. I'm going to read this stuff I copied off some websites below and do the exercise. (I'm going to combine the two lists, which I've separated below by asterisks). I'm going to identify my needs and I'm going to communicate them to my partner and see what happens. And you can too if you want. Thanks for listening. Thanks for sharing.
How to Identify Your Relationship Needs In a previous relationship help article (Relationship Needs: Are Your Needs Hurting Your Relationship), we explored how a sense of entitlement (holding unrealistic relationship expectations that your spouse/partner should and can meet all your needs) sets up a slippery slope that can undermine your marriage/relationship. Just as damaging to your relationship is the denial and failure to acknowledge your relationship needs—to yourself and to your spouse/partner.
The fulfillment of our emotional and physical needs is central to our well-being, to feeling psychologically whole, engaged and fully alive in the world. But most of us haven’t been raised and taught to identify and effectively communicate our emotional needs.
Relationship Needs: The most important step is knowing where to start
The first and most important step in this process is being able to clearly identify your needs (which is not always an easy task). All too often couples are more attuned to the fallout of not getting their needs met (consequences such as depression, anger, resentment, a lack of intimacy) than they are at proactively identifying and communicating these needs.
Below is a list of relationship needs to help you begin the process of identifying your needs. As you read through the list, it’s important to note that not all of the listed needs will resonate for you (and you might think of some of your own needs that aren’t listed here). The goal is to identify which needs speak to you the loudest—which are most relevant to your life and to your relationship, and which needs (when met) will bring you the greatest fulfillment.
List of Relationship Needs
Acceptance (feeling accepted for who you are)
Acknowledgment (having your actions and efforts noticed; feeling like who you are matters to your partner)
Adoration
Adventure
Affection (to express and experience affection)
Appreciation (giving and receiving of appreciation)
Availability (to experience each other as available when needed)
Belief (to be believed in and taken seriously)
Camaraderie (sense of togetherness)
Care (to show caring and to feel cared for)
Certainty
Challenge (to feel challenged to grow and evolve)
Cherished
Closeness (experience emotional connection)
Comfort
Competence (to feel competent/capable)
Compromise
Commitment
Consistency
Contentment
Cooperation
Dependability
Desire (to express and feel desired)
Devotion
Discovery (continued sense of mutual discovery)
Emotional safety and security
Encouragement (to give and receive encouragement)
Esteem (to esteem your partner and feel esteemed by him/her)
Excitement
Exploration (shared sense of adventure in the world)
Familiarity
Fidelity
Flexibility (openness and willingness to change)
Freedom (to be yourself and experiment with new ways of being)
Harmony
Honesty Individuality (having space for individual interests/pursuits)
Influence (to emotionally impact your partner)
Intellectuality (sharing knowledge/challenging each other)
Intimacy (deep emotional connection)
Love (to give and receive love)
Mutuality
Negotiation
Novelty
Nurturance (to feel nurtured and to help your partner feel nurtured)
Openness (continual openness to each others’ uniqueness/individuality)
Peacefulness
Passion
Playfulness
Predictability
Presence (to feel your partner is emotionally present)
Reassurance (to be reassured when needed)
Recognition
Reliability
Respect
Sacrifice
Safety/security (emotional, financial, physical)
Sensitivity
Sensuousness
Sex
Shared/mutual interests
Socialization
Spirituality (spiritual sharing/connection)
Spontaneity
Stability
Support
Teamwork
Touch
Trust (to trust and be trusted)
Understood (to understand and feel understood)
Vitality (need to feel profoundly alive through emotional connection)
Valued (feel important/like you matter)
Vastness (to experience a mutual connection with something greater than yourselves)
(Please add any additional needs that might not be listed above)
Relationship Reality: The intensity of a particular need can wax and wane depending on the phase of your life (e.g. after retirement the need for adventure might become more central than before)–and the context/circumstances that you are in will also impact which needs increase or decrease in relevance (e.g. after struggling emotionally for a period time, an increase in the need for security and harmony might be heightened).
Needs aren’t static: Think of your relationship needs as multidimensional—influenced by your unique developmental history, genetics/biology, as well as context (the current and ever-changing circumstances of your life).
The challenge and goal is to remain mindful of the shifting landscape of your relationship needs and to effectively share your evolving needs with your spouse/partner.
***
Identify Your NeedsThis is an exercise that I set for my clients. It should take you about 30 minutes. I know, I know - you're not use to doing exercises on the internet. But really, this is a truly important step for you to take in working out whether you should stay or go.
If you don't like doing things on the screen then print it off onto paper and do it like that. Or save it for later and come back to the remaining pages once you've completed the exercise.
You already know that 'needs' are basic requirements that must be fulfilled if you are to feel happy in life. If your needs are not met, then you tend to spend your time feeling unsatisfied and doing everything you can to get them met, either directly or indirectly. If your key needs are not being met in a relationship you will never have a stable or truly fulfilling relationship.
Ideally you would get your needs met outside of the relationship as well. However, if your partner can naturally provide for your needs then it serves as a very strong base on which to build a relationship.
Identify Your Top 10
Read the list of words in the tables below and (if you've printed it off) circle approximately 10 that feel like they are the ones you use most often to get your needs met. If you are doing it on screen, write them down rather than circle them. If you feel embarrassed admitting to a few of them that's OK. If you spend too much time trying to justify why a particular word isn't appropriate for you, it probably is, so circle it.
As you review and circle them, ask yourself, 'Would I feel safer or more loved if this quality was provided for me by my partner?' If the answer is yes, then it's a vehicle for getting your needs met.
All the possible vehicles for getting your needs met are not listed below. If you feel that there is a more appropriate word that applies to you, feel free to add it in and circle it.
Certainty
Approval
Inclusion
Respect
Commitment
Assurance
Agreement
Routine
Security
Protection
Balance
Fully informed
Deliberate
Stability
Variety
Surprise
Adventure
Different
Passion
Outrageous
Unpredictable
Challenge
Testing
Change
Depth
Energy
Dynamic
Spontaneity
Learning
Wackiness
Playfulness
Significance
Be heard
Praise
Be remembered
Flattery
Complimented
Be prized
Appreciated
Rewarded
Thanked
Valued
Heeded
Taken care of
Loyalty
Regarded well
Be listened to
Be noticed
Independence
No lying
Frankness
Love/Connection
Liked
Cherished
Esteemed
Held fondly
Be desired
Be preferred
Be relished
Be adored
Be touched
Get attention
Be helped
Cared about
Be saved
Be attended to
Be treasured
Tenderness
Get gifts
Embraced
Share
Be told
Select Your Top 4 Relationship Needs
Not all of our needs are required by us to the same extent to make a relationship work. So now it's time to identify which ones are the highest priorities for you.
Scan back through the 10 or so that you have circled (or written down) and compare each of them with each other. For each comparison ask, 'Which is more important for me to make a successful relationship?" Put a star by each one that comes out as one of your top 4 needs.
Now list them out somewhere safe for you to keep - in the format shown below.
My top 4 needs in a relationship are:
1. __________________________________________________ __
2. __________________________________________________ __
3. __________________________________________________ __
4. __________________________________________________ __
Getting your needs met is massively important if you are to have a fulfilling life. If your partner isn't meeting them and you aren't getting them met elsewhere then you're in for a life of pain. That's why they're important!
As I've described, you must work out what your needs are and ensure they get met. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of doing this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Thank you so much for this L@L.
It is spooky how you find the stuff I was thinking about.
I was thinking last night, well, what do I want?
This will definitely get me started.
Yes, this is so close to my thinking process. I know we can do this L2L.
I do react differently, pain to me is to be avoided at all costs.
I shut down emotionally since alcohol is no longer available.
Damn.
My daughter even recognizes it and calls it "the wall".
Thank you so much for posting this, I could search the world wide web all over and never come up with this. just more useless crap to distract me.
like how did michele get obama to quit smoking?
Beth
It is spooky how you find the stuff I was thinking about.
I was thinking last night, well, what do I want?
This will definitely get me started.
But I also realize that I have a really difficult time communicating my needs to my partner. ANY partner. What usually happens is I start to feel a little bad because of one thing or another that I observe about the other person or the way he "treats me." I think I probably attribute whatever I don't like to something about me. (There I go, thinking I am the center of the universe again). I think I probably assume that the person just doesn't care about me. I think I feel insigificant in relationships.
I do react differently, pain to me is to be avoided at all costs.
I shut down emotionally since alcohol is no longer available.
Damn.
My daughter even recognizes it and calls it "the wall".
Thank you so much for posting this, I could search the world wide web all over and never come up with this. just more useless crap to distract me.
like how did michele get obama to quit smoking?
Beth
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Excellent idea.
My daughter has a car now, and said she would happily take me to meetings.
I am goin to find one after I take care of something.
I would love a womans meeting.
god, i think they are the only ones who get my sense of humor!
women drunks, probably the most forgiving group ever.
or recovering drunk codependents. LOL
Beth
My daughter has a car now, and said she would happily take me to meetings.
I am goin to find one after I take care of something.
I would love a womans meeting.
god, i think they are the only ones who get my sense of humor!
women drunks, probably the most forgiving group ever.
or recovering drunk codependents. LOL
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Ok - I needed this today, too. I have been trying and grossly failing for 2 1/2 years to effectively communicate my needs to my husband. He says its because of a failing in me. I think its alcohol that prevents that communication. Last night, I reached out to touch the hot burner again and WOW I got burned. I had to hang up - it escalated that quickly. He is SO angry with me (I am standing in the way of his booze; I get it now). And he is standing firmly planted in defense of his addiction even though he is going to AA and mouthing all the right words. I have to surrender. It's time. I recognize I have been, and remain so, the enemy threatening his only one true sense of security in life. I am turning it over to God and AA from today on, and turning the focus solely back to myself and my daughters. He may or may not join me in my journey through life; but I will not join him in his journey through addiction.
But in surrendering to a hopeless relationship, I need to learn my lessons as I, too, have much trouble expressing my needs and accepting the negotiation in a relationship. This exercise will be very helpful. Thanks for sharing this with us! You are not alone in your problems. I've also had to realize that I have loved other alcoholics before, without being aware of it but eventually ending the relationship because other needs weren't being met. Either there are MANY of them in the world or I am ATTRACTED to the addict personality. Probably a mix of both, huh?
So thanks again; this morning I feel very grateful for this forum.
But in surrendering to a hopeless relationship, I need to learn my lessons as I, too, have much trouble expressing my needs and accepting the negotiation in a relationship. This exercise will be very helpful. Thanks for sharing this with us! You are not alone in your problems. I've also had to realize that I have loved other alcoholics before, without being aware of it but eventually ending the relationship because other needs weren't being met. Either there are MANY of them in the world or I am ATTRACTED to the addict personality. Probably a mix of both, huh?
So thanks again; this morning I feel very grateful for this forum.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
This is what ~ it would take... & worth waiting for ~ care, passion, respect, shared, teamwork 
In the meantime, minus a relationship, will work on these on my own.
Alot of positive ways to figure out what is relevant to my life.
In the meantime, minus a relationship, will work on these on my own.
Alot of positive ways to figure out what is relevant to my life.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you Tuffgirl.
I hope you don't mind, if I respond to a couple things you said in your post.
If there's active alcoholism involved, I'm willing to bet that IS what is preventing communication. Therefore, you are not "grossly failing" at ANYTHING. Part of being with an alcoholic is often serving as the scapegoat for all the problems that occur. Because it couldn't possibly the alcohol, could it? Don't think of yourself as failing please.
Hard lesson getting burned again, huh? I've done it a lot of times too. Sometimes you just need that reminder that fire burns 
I say, put ice on it 
You go girl!
Thank you for sharing this.
This is me too! I hadn't thought of it that way before.
Me too.
I hope you don't mind, if I respond to a couple things you said in your post.
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
I have been trying and grossly failing for 2 1/2 years to effectively communicate my needs to my husband. He says its because of a failing in me. I think its alcohol that prevents that communication.
Last night, I reached out to touch the hot burner again and WOW I got burned. I had to hang up - it escalated that quickly.
I say, put ice on it
I am turning it over to God and AA from today on, and turning the focus solely back to myself and my daughters. He may or may not join me in my journey through life; but I will not join him in his journey through addiction.
But in surrendering to a hopeless relationship, I need to learn my lessons as I, too, have much trouble expressing my needs and accepting the negotiation in a relationship. This exercise will be very helpful. Thanks for sharing this with us! You are not alone in your problems.
I've also had to realize that I have loved other alcoholics before, without being aware of it but eventually ending the relationship because other needs weren't being met. Either there are MANY of them in the world or I am ATTRACTED to the addict personality. Probably a mix of both, huh?
So thanks again; this morning I feel very grateful for this forum.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Chrisea! Where have you been? Long time no see! Thanks for posting. I wish I could do the exercise as quickly as you. I think I am going to have to look up half these words LOL.
Good idea. Preparation for the next one
In the meantime, minus a relationship, will work on these on my own.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 58
Have you read Women Who Love too Much? It deals with this exact issue and how to heal-warning it takes a lot of work and time. The book really rang true to me.
What I'm wondering is, is the one you're with now right for you? Should we be with/choose a person who meets our needs? I guess we could choose a person who meets an unhealthy need and that would be just as bad.
I know in my relationship, I think I am spelling out very basic, simple human needs in easy to understand language and the needs are not that difficult to meet, they still don't get met. Tuff girl, I think alcohol does play into someone not being able to meet your needs. They just put themselves first so strongly.
What I'm wondering is, is the one you're with now right for you? Should we be with/choose a person who meets our needs? I guess we could choose a person who meets an unhealthy need and that would be just as bad.
I know in my relationship, I think I am spelling out very basic, simple human needs in easy to understand language and the needs are not that difficult to meet, they still don't get met. Tuff girl, I think alcohol does play into someone not being able to meet your needs. They just put themselves first so strongly.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Chelle3
Have you read Women Who Love too Much? It deals with this exact issue and how to heal-warning it takes a lot of work and time. The book really rang true to me.
What I'm wondering is, is the one you're with now right for you? Should we be with/choose a person who meets our needs? I guess we could choose a person who meets an unhealthy need and that would be just as bad.
I know in my relationship, I think I am spelling out very basic, simple human needs in easy to understand language and the needs are not that difficult to meet, they still don't get met.
Thanks very much for your ES&H Chelle.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 58
L2L sounds like you have a great foundation!
I can't even imagine being significant in someone's life. That's what's been lacking for me in every relationship except one significant one that I ended. Now I wonder if I ended a more healthy relationship because I was unhealthy.
After my whole marriage thing is over, I'm going to take a few yrs off for myself.
I can't even imagine being significant in someone's life. That's what's been lacking for me in every relationship except one significant one that I ended. Now I wonder if I ended a more healthy relationship because I was unhealthy.
After my whole marriage thing is over, I'm going to take a few yrs off for myself.
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Chelle3
L2L sounds like you have a great foundation!
I can't even imagine being significant in someone's life. That's what's been lacking for me in every relationship except one significant one that I ended. Now I wonder if I ended a more healthy relationship because I was unhealthy.
After my whole marriage thing is over, I'm going to take a few yrs off for myself.
I can't even imagine being significant in someone's life. That's what's been lacking for me in every relationship except one significant one that I ended. Now I wonder if I ended a more healthy relationship because I was unhealthy.
After my whole marriage thing is over, I'm going to take a few yrs off for myself.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
This is one of the most complete lists on how it could be... I have read alot of articles about these traits, but this one's a really good one. Respect is there, it's a good start (cause without it - geesh what's the point). If the partner Cares, then Share & Teamwork, would surely follow. Passion is thrown in, cause it would be just a Lot of Fun that way.
It took a long time for me to figure this out. It would be a Big If, that I would ever get involved again. A lot of these action words would have to be there ~ well past 6 months (that seems like the time frame I had in previous relationships). At the 6 month getting the wedding cake topper out. My 2nd husband was like what's this, get out of the way, I want to watch the football game... I didn't have a cake the 1st time...
I came at the end of the era that women were taught with articles in Good Housekeeping... How to greet your man with a drink and dinner ready, when he came home from work. (maybe that was cause, probably most of these articles were wrote by men back then, duh). Prior to that, men were the authors, women had to use a pen name, a man's name to get published ex - George Elliot. Then the 70's came, and women were encouraged to get a job. Prior to that women's options were to be married, teachers, nuns, or stayed with their parents (that was discouraged). Now, the rate of women getting divorced & staying happily single, might have something to do with it also. There isn't the stigma of divorce. Even with a search, on the 1st page is this -
Failure as a Husband - Marriage and Divorce
"The husband has a vital role in producing unity in the marriage relationship. If he fails in doing his part in the marriage, divorce is likely. Relationship in marriage and divorce primarily lie in the hands of the husband." divorcehope.com (I don't think, 30 yrs ago, you could read something like this...) It's a long time getting here.
For me, I like to look at this as discovering (the vastness) of the needs that can be met, on my own (content, happy & blessed) regardless of a physical relationship. For my life, (a little help from my friends) AAA roadside assistance, cell phone, gps, netflix and computer. (that covers the basics) Only AAA was around when I was in my 20's. My 2nd husband gave me aaa for a christmas gift, even though he had a trailer that could haul tractors (this was so someone was always there to answer) Yes & they answer, help & with a smile... & they are Tons Cheaper to maintain... he wasn't too bright... he gifted me ~ his replacement. I've had a few more failed relationships, but wised up, didn't get remarried...
Now... It's like
and :day all wrapped in one.
It took a long time for me to figure this out. It would be a Big If, that I would ever get involved again. A lot of these action words would have to be there ~ well past 6 months (that seems like the time frame I had in previous relationships). At the 6 month getting the wedding cake topper out. My 2nd husband was like what's this, get out of the way, I want to watch the football game... I didn't have a cake the 1st time...
I came at the end of the era that women were taught with articles in Good Housekeeping... How to greet your man with a drink and dinner ready, when he came home from work. (maybe that was cause, probably most of these articles were wrote by men back then, duh). Prior to that, men were the authors, women had to use a pen name, a man's name to get published ex - George Elliot. Then the 70's came, and women were encouraged to get a job. Prior to that women's options were to be married, teachers, nuns, or stayed with their parents (that was discouraged). Now, the rate of women getting divorced & staying happily single, might have something to do with it also. There isn't the stigma of divorce. Even with a search, on the 1st page is this -
Failure as a Husband - Marriage and Divorce
"The husband has a vital role in producing unity in the marriage relationship. If he fails in doing his part in the marriage, divorce is likely. Relationship in marriage and divorce primarily lie in the hands of the husband." divorcehope.com (I don't think, 30 yrs ago, you could read something like this...) It's a long time getting here.
For me, I like to look at this as discovering (the vastness) of the needs that can be met, on my own (content, happy & blessed) regardless of a physical relationship. For my life, (a little help from my friends) AAA roadside assistance, cell phone, gps, netflix and computer. (that covers the basics) Only AAA was around when I was in my 20's. My 2nd husband gave me aaa for a christmas gift, even though he had a trailer that could haul tractors (this was so someone was always there to answer) Yes & they answer, help & with a smile... & they are Tons Cheaper to maintain... he wasn't too bright... he gifted me ~ his replacement. I've had a few more failed relationships, but wised up, didn't get remarried...
Now... It's like
and :day all wrapped in one.
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