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Old 02-12-2011, 12:51 AM
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Just Joined

Hello Everyone!
I am joining because It's time to get it right.
Also because of another post I read.
10 years ago I met a special someone in a bar (where else)
I didn't know he did drugs or drink alot until I had fell for him. So that
kind of cemented my co-dependency issues right there.
It was a crazy train, and I actually started to drink with him often.
My friends said I had changed and we had some heated discussions.
I stopped drinking and broke it off after he became physically abusive and my abandonment issues surfaced huge.
So I went into private therapy for over a year to sort out my feelings.
We kept talking on the phone once every 6 months, and than once a year.
He always called me and talked the most, he talks alot.
Than he showed up on my door step and the ride began again.
Only not the same way, I did not act like a co-dependent and I think
it freaked him out a bit, because when he started to play the disappearing act, this one now is going on 2 months, I don't react too much.
I just state what I want and need in a relationship and leave it at that.
I have a busy life, friends, huge family and things are always going on.
But lately, I've been finding that I have been manipulating him, giving him
ultimatums that are making me feel like I have fallen back on my recovery and also making me feel huge guilt for his recovery.

I really didn't know until I was reading here just how bad it can be for him.
I always think in normal everyday terms of living and liking and loving and so get very confused by his actions/reactions or lack there of.

I am trying to decide if any contact is doing anyone of us any good.
I have told him I love him, and have asked him if he loves me, he says.
"What do you think" to which I say "It's not my decision for me to tell you whether or not you love me, but because you won't answer yay or nay I won't pursue the issue with you because it will only upset us"

My question today is, why does he always talk about his recovery so often. Why does the conversation always end up talking about drug use and drinking binges. Sorry I don't show it, but it gets to sound like a broken record. I can only think maybe he's using again. I see him so seldom that I wouldn't know. But it's always made me suspicious as to his constant chit shat about his past habits or present for all I know.
He tells me to ask him anything and he'll be straight up, but this is not the case. It's always flourished with "What do you think?" What's up with that?
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Old 02-12-2011, 04:34 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for introducing yourself and sharing your story with us.

I hope you will continue to read and post as needed.

It appears you are taking positive steps in your life to take care of yourself. Good on you.

You asked about your A's behavior:

Originally Posted by IBelong View Post
My question today is, why does he always talk about his recovery so often. Why does the conversation always end up talking about drug use and drinking binges. Sorry I don't show it, but it gets to sound like a broken record. I can only think maybe he's using again. I see him so seldom that I wouldn't know. But it's always made me suspicious as to his constant chit shat about his past habits or present for all I know.
He tells me to ask him anything and he'll be straight up, but this is not the case. It's always flourished with "What do you think?" What's up with that?
I'm not sure any part of that is recovery. It would be difficult to determine or answer questions about your A. Most active A's (alcoholics/addicts) follow familiar patterns of blame-shifting, lying, lies of omission, manipulation and denial. The patterns continue into sobriety if there is no active recovery to remove old patterns.

The important thing to remember is what is important to you. Do you want a friendship/relationship with someone who dwells on past unacceptable behavior? Do you want a friendship/relationship with someone who says one thing "ask anything" and does another "what do you think".

Look at the actions. They reveal more than the words.
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Old 02-12-2011, 11:34 AM
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Hi IBelong. I hope you will stay and keep sharing and reading here.

why does he always talk about his recovery so often. Why does the conversation always end up talking about drug use and drinking binges. Sorry I don't show it, but it gets to sound like a broken record. I can only think maybe he's using again. I see him so seldom that I wouldn't know. But it's always made me suspicious as to his constant chit shat about his past habits or present for all I know.
I guess my answer to your question would depend on what manner he talks about his drug use and binges. In my experience, people who talk about drug and alcohol use like they were "the good 'ole days" and who relate how much fun it was, are not truly convinced that they want or need to stop. They long for it.

Since I got sober and began my Recovery from alcoholism and codependence, I have learned to trust my instincts. That can be pretty difficult but there is a method to the madness. I learned a lot by going to AlAnon and reading as much as possible about this horrible disease. Have you thought about going to an AlAnon meeting? Here is a link to help you find one: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
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Old 02-12-2011, 11:40 AM
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Welcome, Ibelong, and yes....you do belong!

This is a great place full of people from many walks of life who can share their Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H). Read around for a while, especially the "stickies" at the top of each forum.

So glad you found us! Hugs, HG
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Old 02-12-2011, 12:18 PM
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Welcome, I am glad you have found us.

I would not allow my exabf back into my life until his actions were different. When he was active, he would go off on his own (crawl under the rock) without explanation, call days later to say he was so sorry...now that he has been sober and in recovery for 1 year, that type of behavior is non-existent.

I walked away because I did not like the behavior, I would not go back if it had not changed.

Keep reading and posting, and continuing to take good care of yourself.
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Old 02-12-2011, 09:44 PM
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Hello welcome to SR!!

Make yourself at home...

I do not know why he talks about that.... but, you have choices.
No contact is a rule that has given me back my sanity and has given me perspective & clarity.

You can't control him
You can't cure him
You didn't cause his problem

When I hear or overhear conversation that triggers memories or hurt me in any way, I change the topic or I leave.
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:39 PM
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Thank you for your answers and support.
The last time I spoke with him I did a very bad thing, to myself and him.
I am not proud of it but it did make me see the light.

I told him I'd buy us a house and buy him a truck so he could start his own business.
I told him I'd have the money available and that I'd even put it in his name.
I also said for him to think about it, that it was a huge choice and we'd have to
talk all the in's and outs before looking for a home. He than told me that the money
for the truck was not going to be enough he needed twice the amount.
I told him to just think about it, and that was that.

He hasn't called me since this call. I came home after work and thought.
I MUST BE INSANE. I actually tried to bribe his presence into my life.
I must have zero pride or something.

Here is a house a truck and me and you only have to show up.
Is that the lowest of the low? I could kick myself over and over.
I hope he never calls again, I'm sure he's thinking I must be
the most desperate person alive!

I just don't know how he got so under my skin again! In such a short time.
I can only say that it must be my abandonment issues slamming into my life again.

I did however look in the mirror and tell myself, "It's ok, silly gal, this too shall pass"
At least I did comfort myself for being so totally out of my mind.

Yes, I will be joining an AlAnon meeting, maybe many. I never want to present myself to
anyone this way again.
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:56 PM
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Regarding drug/drinking talk. It's usually all about his past binges and how he
could never live like that again. However, he still drinks, and he self medicates to put himself to sleep. He's a workaholic 70 hours or more a week, (So he says) how am I to know I don't stalk him. He moved back into his mothers house because he had a relapse over a year ago and was in hospital for 2 months. He's 40 years old so living with his mother is a real turn off for me. But if I say anything he says that he had to
because of his convalescence. He gets defensive on many issues.
He said he almost died. I was not with him during this time. He says he's feeling much
better that his head is sober and he is thinking more clearly. However, the day before this conversation he was on the phone with me drinking a beer and swearing and complaining about everything under the sun. It's like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and I begin to see that he has some major issues that for some reason get turned into my issues or about my issues. He puts me down for only working 30 hours a week, saying I'm lazy that most people have to work 40 or more hours a week. I think he's just trying to make himself look better than me. I'm thinking to myself at this point, What's the point of even talking to this guy?

Again, I feel like such a looser.
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Old 02-12-2011, 11:06 PM
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Oh I know about abandonment....

Anger moves us forward. I sense you feeling angry now is a good sign. You are realizing that what you are doing is not really the IBelong you know you are. That is progress. Its OK.. you haven't done anything yet.. you are in time to back off.

You can change.. its in your hands and that is very good news!
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Old 02-13-2011, 04:24 AM
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I told him I'd buy us a house and buy him a truck so he could start his own business.
I told him I'd have the money available and that I'd even put it in his name.
I also said for him to think about it, that it was a huge choice and we'd have to
talk all the in's and outs before looking for a home. He than told me that the money
for the truck was not going to be enough he needed twice the amount.
I told him to just think about it, and that was that.
Oh boy can I relate to this! I have spent so much money on other people it's insane. If I had all that money back I would be wealthy. But you know, it is OKAY if he brings the topic back up, to just say, "I changed my mind."

Regarding drug/drinking talk. It's usually all about his past binges and how he
could never live like that again. ... He said he almost died. ... He says he's feeling much
better that his head is sober and he is thinking more clearly. However, the day before this conversation he was on the phone with me drinking a beer and swearing and complaining about everything under the sun. It's like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and I begin to see that he has some major issues that for some reason get turned into my issues or about my issues. He puts me down for only working 30 hours a week, saying I'm lazy that most people have to work 40 or more hours a week. I think he's just trying to make himself look better than me.
What you describe he is saying to you about his drinking and himself reminds me of every alcoholic I have ever known. The words are hooks. Meant to keep you hooked, and trapped. Meant to make you think he wants to change, that he's going to choose to not drink, that he wants to get better, that he's really working a program, etc. I hope Naive comes along and translates for you

Yes, people who get involved with alcoholics and addicts get to experience the negativity and toxicity up-front and personal. It's just so much fun to be involved with someone who compares himself to you in order to feel superior, who puts you down in order to build themselves up, who blames you for everything, and uses you as a scapegoat for everything that has, will, and does go wrong. (Ugh, that gave me a stomachache because it reminds me of a situation at work that I just got out of).
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Old 02-13-2011, 12:19 PM
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The fact you feel guilty about what he's going through with his own recovery tells me that you aren't out of the codie woods yet.

spoken as a true codie myself.

there is NOTHING wrong w/ telling this man what you need and expect from him.
You would do that w/ any other relationship, why is he so special that he doesn't have to perform to the same standards?

See, I can SAY it...but I can't live it. My own saga continues.

I just think you need to continue YOUR recovery from being a codie. You can't save him. Let him go. Maybe he'll see the error of his ways and actually fully recover...and you two CAN be together in a healthy mutually acceptable relationship or you won't. Either way you will get through it.
You recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship and know to bail before you get sucked in. Being a Codie it's hard to Trust your instincts. But If something feels bad, it usually IS bad.
Stick to your guns.
Don't be manipulated into something you know is not good for you.
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