jayscott

Well, I blinked and before I knew what had happened a week had gone by without me doing anything to work on my own recovery. No Al-Anon, no journaling, nor SR forums, nothing. Little man got a bad ear infection which left him inconsolable and me sleepless; then he got better, but my routine was disrupted. Trying to get back to focusing on the right things.

AW is still in rehab, seems to actually be enjoying this program (compared to the first time through, which was like 30 days of oral surgery). She wants to reconcile. We had a couples counseling session last weekend, where at the end we were asked to tell the other person one thing that we wanted the other person to hear. Not allowed to say anything in response except to repeat it back, to confirm you were listening.

I didn't even know where to begin. What one thing do you say?

Learn2Live

I would probably choose to say something that would make me feel validated if my partner were to actually hear, acknowledge, understand and truly empathize with me about. Like how it made me feel and how severely it affected my psyche and my life when my XA&ABF betrayed me and put my life in danger by doing so. I never got that from him and I think that truly damaged me.

lillamy

One thing?
Man. I'd be dumbstruck.

And I hear you on the "where'd my recovery go?" part. I think half of me decided to go into hibernation in the past two weeks.

tjp613

One thing? "The day you stop actively working a recovery program is the day I file for divorce and seek sole custody of our son."

Hailee

TJP--You are amazing! That is incredibly moving. One simple sentence that says everything! Thanks, Hailee

littlefish

jayscott thanks for checking in: I have been wondering how things have been going with you! It is nice to hear from you and hear that things are going okay.

LexieCat

The problem I have with a statement like tjp's (whose posts I ALWAYS value) is that it puts you in the position of deciding whether someone else is "actively working a recovery program." How would you determine that? Look at how they are coming with their Fourth Step? Confirming how many meetings per week they are making? Checking with their sponsor? I dunno--it seems like it puts you in the position of monitoring their program.

I think I would say something like this: "I am unwilling to continue to live with our son in a home that is affected by active alcoholism. I don't want to get involved in what you do in your program--that's up to you. If I don't have complete confidence, though, that you are doing everything in your power to recover, I will file for divorce and custody of our son. And that is for ME to determine, in my sole discretion and judgment. There will be no more bargaining, no more chances, no discussion. I will be gone, and I will do everything I can to protect our son so he doesn't have to suffer from the effects of your disease."

jayscott

Thanks all, super helpful. In the moment I ended up saying that I had lost much of my own identity to her alcoholism as I went deeper into survival mode and that I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I realize the point of the exercise was to have us practice listening to each other but I'm still a bit dumbstruck at how she doesn't seem to want to hear. We had a second session yesterday and it was not healthy...lots of resentment from me, anger about my resentment from her. We're supposed to have family visiting hours tomorrow but I don't have much interest right now.

PHIZ007

Keep going Jayscott....your feelings of resentment sound perfectly normal to me!.....keep reading, keep posting and keep working on your recovery.

On the bad days I remind myself that "This too will pass"....my little ones have been sick with ear infections too this week so I know how the lack of sleep plays its part! Look after yourself....

SR keeps me sane!

Take Care Phiz