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STBXAH is doing better :) but when do I tell him Ive moved on

Old 02-11-2011, 05:53 PM
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STBXAH is doing better :) but when do I tell him Ive moved on

Hey all!
My AH has moved hospitals and the difference is nothing short of amazing!
Hes not out of the woods yet and is still seriously ill but hes improved dramatically, even in his spirits. They are actually saying there is a shot that between medication and absinence he may not need a liver transplant after all. But that we will know more in a couple of months
And the first time ever in the 8 years I have known him, I actually believe him when he says that he's done with the booze.
Yes yes he has said it before but there was always this nagging little thing at the back of my mind that said it wasnt going to happen or last (Im sure you all know what I mean).
But this time I dont get that feeling, I know that he is not quacking and is being 100% genuine and commited about it. So, good for him!!!

But heres my problem - We separated 10 months ago, he knows that we are still separated and that hasnt changed - but does he really know? Is he thinking that maybe theres a chance now.
Because there is ZERO chance.
And as long as he can recover physically, I would still like to proceed with divorce at some point in the future. I want to move on, be with someone else, possible have another child before my biological clock says 'no chance'.
Do you know what i mean?
When do I say anything? I am keeping secrets because I am moving on with my life and the stress of all the secrecy is becoming insane!
I was just learning to get over the guilt of leaving him and now I feel like I have to do it all over again!
What would you do?
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Old 02-11-2011, 05:58 PM
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Well, you might mention something along the lines of how he's going to be able to take care of himself once he's released from the hospital. The intention being that he'll know that you aren't planning on him coming home with you. Other than that, I'd just explain that while I was happy that he has made a decision to give up the booze, that it doesn't change anything between us and that my plans are not to reconcile. Of course, you'd have to decide when it would be appropriate to bring it up.
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Old 02-11-2011, 06:05 PM
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well i must say that I have definitley already said things along those lines.... like what he can be doing while in recovery, how much better his life will be, how he can enjoy doing things with our 3 yr old daughter now when he has her on weekends etc
So he does know, and he tells the medical staff that we are seperated but I am very supportive. So hes not delusional or anything.
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Old 02-11-2011, 06:10 PM
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Well, if he knows, then he knows. Unless you are ready to start divorce proceedings now, why bring it up at all? If you are ready, then I'd just tell him that I was ready to move on to the divorce.
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Old 02-11-2011, 06:16 PM
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But I would feel like such a cold hearted bitch to do that to him now, but at the same time I already feel like one because I am getting on with my life but I am still technically married to him.
I wish there was a happy medium for now...
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Old 02-11-2011, 06:21 PM
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Well, there is, if you are willing to maintain the status quo for now. But, if you are truly ready to move on, then he deserves to know. I'm sure he's not going to like hearing it regardless of when you tell him, but you have shown yourself to be supportive of him, so while you might feel like a heartless bitch, both he and you know deep down, you aren't one.
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Old 02-11-2011, 07:37 PM
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Do you have a date lined up for Friday night?

I didn't think so.

I'm being a little facetious because it seems you are jumping the gun a little. Unless or until he starts talking about "when we're back together" I think you can safely go on the assumption that he knows the marriage is over.

You can probably help by showing your genuine happiness that he is finally committing to recovery, telling him how pleased you are and how much of a gift he is giving himself and your daughter, but being firm that your decision has been made.
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Old 02-12-2011, 05:57 AM
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Try and take it one day at a time. It sounds like he knows and you have already made up your mind. Maybe you guys will be friends and the transition will not be that bad. Your daughter will win in this type of situation.

Best of Luck.

PEACE
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Old 02-12-2011, 09:46 AM
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Thanks all.
I cant really walk on egg shells around him in the fear he will drink again.
been there, done that, bought and returned the t-shirt!!!

Gotta live my life for ME now!!!
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Old 02-12-2011, 09:49 AM
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Attagirl!

BTW, I'm thrilled to pieces that he is doing so much better. I know that takes a load of stress off you.

Remember, what he chooses to do from here on out is ON HIM. I was "up" for ONE deathbed vigil--I wasn't going through it twice because he chose to throw his second chance at life away.
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