TakingCharge999

I also thought he was in his 20s.

dogluvah, also take into account we are not talking here in a "holier than thou" way. We've all been there. It always starts "perfect"... to lure you.

Alcohol AND a red bull? another red flag. Its not like its a regular soda...



I hope you can take a look at these links which I find helpful:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Dependency - Relationship

Also you might post your same question in the Alcoholics forum. Perhaps their perspective is also useful for you? I have posted there, and their insight has been priceless "from the other side".

wicked

As an RA (recovering alcoholic) and an ACA (adult child of an alcoholic) i can say in my experience "not that much" is probably quite a lot.
His idea of "not that much" and yours are probably miles apart.

Have you ever watched "Cops"?
the officer asks an obviously inebriated driver,
"have you been drinking tonight?"
the person who a few minutes ago fell down walking a straight line will say,
"i only had a couple beers."
so, not that much.

a clinical psychologist? wow, i admire your drive. amazing, and best wishes for you.

Beth

buttercream

Oh, I'm not offended at all! I see a lot of myself in what you are saying because I have been there. I would venture to say that most of us have tried to convince ourselves that someone "isn't THAT bad" (thats what we do best!), and in the beginning, overlooked the red flags. I wish I had heeded mine.

You've obviously got some red flags going up yourself or you wouldn't be here.

suki44883

But, I do hear all of you and it's scary what you are saying. I just need to know more about where his mind it. If his attitude is, "I like drinking heavily all the time, and I like smoking, and I won't change for you or anybody" welll, there would be skid marks from my car leaving his drive way after that.

That's not how they operate. Someone said earlier that alcoholics are con men (or women) and that is so true. They will be whatever they think you want them to be as long as they are interested in you or until they have you hooked. Then, their true colors will come out, but by then, you will probably be so much in love with the image he gave you at first, that you'll still convince yourself that he has a disease and it's not his fault and that with the right amount of love and support from you, he can quit drinking or whatever it is he does.

This forum is full of people who started out just like you. Read the threads and you'll see. We aren't stupid people either. We just got mixed up with the wrong person and did not heed the warning signs and red flags. We maybe felt like our situation was different. That all those horrible things wouldn't happen in our relationship because, really, he's not that bad.

You came here asking our opinion and the general consensus is that you should let this guy pass on by. But, you'll do whatever you want to do. We're just trying to help you avoid some of the misery that we went through.

duqld1717

Hi Suki-that was me who said the part about "con-men and con-women"!......Sometimes, looking back I feel like my XABF was an identity theft conman. He pretended to be someone who he wasn't and as a result of that, I lost who I was. HE TOOK MY IDENTITY! I let him but stupid identity theives....they should go on Dateline:To Catch an Identity Theft with Chris Hanson on NBC!!!

Thumper

You know he drinks heavily, you just don't want to accept it. If a man's roommate, and another friend, call him an alcoholic he at the very least is drinking heavily. You know he smokes regularly - you've seen it.

If you want someone to change before you even start dating them, I think it is smartest to just look for a better match. You deserve the whole package. Everyone does. Don't settle. Don't expect people to change.

.

If he thought these things were problems, he'd have already changed them. From what you write, he is content with his life.

From what you have shared he is an indepdent, functional, 50 year old man leading the life he wants to lead. To me, it is quite clear that this is exactly what his attitude is because that is exactly the choice he is making.

IME if you play this out and start dating him, insisting that he change these two major faucets of his life, he is going to see a problem alright - but it isn't going to be alcohol and smokes. It is going to be you. You will be the one causing him problems.

As others have pointed out 'not that much' is in the eye of the beholder. If I say 'not that much' I mean that I might have two drinks after work once a week. To my xah 'not that much' after work would have meant a 12-18 beers after every day of work. And he never looked drunk either.

Learn2Live

Everybody's got to learn their own lessons in their own time. He sounds like bad news to me but it sounds like you're already rationalizing away all the red flags. So, I say what the hell jump right on in! Make sure you sleep with him right away too, just so that you can get as emotionally hooked on him as possible.

dogluvah

Hi. He is not content with his life. That I know for sure. When he and others were outside having a cig, there was talking of one of them wanting to drive their car off the road. And his general comment on the subject was, "Life sucks".

He is not a happy man. He is a lonely man. Our friends that know him says he stays to himself. That's where I have sympathy for him. He already said he doesn't like having a roommate in the house with him. He likes the house to himself. Don't know if that would mean he wouldn't want a woman in the house with him.

12 to 18 beers?? Are you freaking kidding me? How can a person's body handle that much?

Hollyanne

Read the serenity prayer.

dogluvah

Just wondering why most of you having a problem with me going on a couple casual dates with him to see exactly what's up, like a couple members on here posted?

No, I'm not going to sleep with him. He is against pre-marital sex.

duqld1717

I agree. Every single one of my friends and my mother told me my ex was bad news when I first met him. Everyone seemed to pick up on him except me. Of course I was 21 at the time when we met and barely knew anything about life. I had to learn for myself and boy did I learn the hard way. But, if his friends are saying he is an alcoholic they probably know better than you and they are logically thinking while you are thinking with your emotions because you like him. The longer you stay with an alcoholic, the harder it is to get out. It is like emotional quicksand. You think they love you and they want you to think they love you, but all they really love is their best friend named Booze. I just want you to know now that if you find out that he truly is an alcoholic he WILL NEVER love you more than his best buddy. Just remember-feelings lead to screwing and screwing leads to SCREWED!!!

Learn2Live

He sounds like an absolute angel. I think you should go for it.

LexieCat

OK, well, I'm not quite sure why you asked us, since we all seem to be of the same opinion and you disagree. It sounds like your mind is made up. Good luck, I mean it. Hopefully the worst that will happen is you will have a couple of bad dates.

suki44883

So, if he's 50 years old and has never been married, he must also be a virgin?

Again, you came here and asked our opinion. We've given it, but you continue to defend him (or your idea of him). If you want to go out with him, then go.

duqld1717

I think the whole "he doesn't believe in sex before marriage" thing is just a ploy to get you to sleep with him. Because then you will think "Aww how sweet" and one night when you both get drunk he says he really really likes you and that you are the "one" he wants to break his rule with and sleep with. Then when you do give in, you will feel like you are special but in reality he conned you into sleeping with him. Thus, the beauty of how manipulative an alcoholic can be.

dogluvah

Guys, I'm not trying to defend the guy.

If he's an alcoholic, It's not gonna happen between us unless he wants to get help.

Question: Do all alcoholics end up losing everything? He's maitaining what he has now, but will there come a time-if he's a true alcohlic-when he loses his car, house, business, get a DUI, messes up liver, etc? How long can the alcoholic continue without repurcussions?

suki44883

Do some reading around on the site. Your questions will be answered.

dogluvah

Let me tell you guys something. I abhore the drunk, and will never take care of an alcoholic.

My mother was an alcoholic. I hated her when she was one.

My two brothers were alcoholics. One stopped on his own after he ended up almost killing himself, going through Dt's, messed-up stomach, the whole ugly mess.

The other one went the through the same, and had to stop drinking because when he was drunk, he has to be hospitalized each time for hallucinations, crazy behavior, psychosis, etc. He was forced to stop drinking and never could touch a drop of alcohol again.

I just want to see if this guy is like this. Or if he just likes his drink and would be willing to cut down to say a couple of drinks a night.

I am NOT defending him though.

suki44883

Okay, okay. So go out with him. It's not like you need our permission. You came here asking our opinion. We gave it. Now go on and do whatever you think is best. Good luck.

duqld1717

I would say if your mother and your brothers were alcoholics maybe you are drawn to that type unconciously. Its not your fault if thats the case. Alot of people choose mates just like their parents because its what they know even if they try to avoid it.