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Weighing my options

Old 02-10-2011, 10:03 AM
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Weighing my options

If I go with him to NC for his new job, I will be able to continue staying home with my kids...this is a huge deal to me and hard to toss aside with ease. This job is a HUGE pay raise, and we should be able to pay off debt very quickly once we're under the same roof. This would relieve a major stressor in our lives, plus give me the possibility of leaving later without facing bankruptcy...I do not have the earning potential that he does. I am not totally incapacitated by the thought of bankruptcy...just think it would be easier to rebuild without that in the mix as well. My kids are completely unaware of the problem, and I am wondering how in the world I would make them understand why we weren't going.

If I stay here, I will have to go to work and things will be very different financially, as well as for the kids (we currently homeschool), but I do have major support from my parents, other family members, friends and church, and I know we will be fine in the long run. I can move in with my parents any second I decide to...they are super wonderful.

I guess I wonder if my biggest priority is to be home with the kids, do I just go, detach, and get the most time with my kids as possible? Or do I go ahead and get out now out of fear as to how bad it might get?
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Old 02-10-2011, 12:42 PM
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I don't know.

I think, for me, it would be about the emotional cost. How much are each of you losing each day? You say from your previous post that you are exhausted, he is getting angry and has no meaningful relationship with the children. That sounds like a sad life to continue. And relying on an alcoholic for your financial stability must be tough and tiring.

Have you taken legal advice? You don't have to go through with anything at this stage, but knowledge is power, as they say.
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Old 02-10-2011, 01:14 PM
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Play the movies through to the end. What will happen to you and the children if you go? What will happen to you and the children if you don't go?

My daughter has had an alcoholic mother until very, very recently. I'd bet my life she would rather not have been raised in such an environment. I know I regret raising her it it, and I will until the end of my days. The psychological damage she is trying to recover from is devastating.

The only thing I've done right in the last five years is introduce her to Al-Anon and Alateen. It'll be there when she needs it, and she is going to need it. And maybe AA and/or NA too. Marijuana, cutting, and self-sabotage are the current issues. More will be revealed.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

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Old 02-10-2011, 07:25 PM
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I don't know how the movies end...wouldn't that make everything so much easier? Thinking about starting a job search...
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Old 02-10-2011, 09:29 PM
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Weighing the options... well... welcome to my life today! I DID move out and now face my life on my own or back in the marriage. If I stay in the marriage, I have to accept my reality as it is today. As of today, 90 days of sobriety isn't changing the behaviors that led me to leave. We still get along GREAT as long as we talk about nothing deeper than the weather, the latest movie we saw, or what is happening in his life. I realize this is a long road and one I may not be willing to give up more of my life waiting on a potential. Today, this is my reality.

I think that's the hardest thing to accept - what are things like today? We can play the movie out to the end and it'll still be a guess. An educated one, no doubt, but a guess nonetheless.

So today I pre-qualified for a mortgage on my own, and scheduled some more homes to look at tomorrow. Because it is what it is today, and that's all I can really focus on.

I am a working Mom; stayed home the first 8 years. My kids are doing just fine now. They would rather me work hard and provide them with stability in their lives than live with an alcoholic and the instability and insecurity that comes with all this darn drama!

I feel your dilemma. It seems 6 of one, half dozen of the other most days. But as long as I keep moving forward, it doesn't feel so bad. Starting a job search is moving forward, but you aren't committed to anything yet. Keep that in mind - you can begin moving forward without making the full commitment yet. Keep your options open for a little longer and see what happens next.
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Old 02-10-2011, 09:47 PM
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Thanks, Tuffgirl! You are so right...I don't have to commit to anything right in this moment. But I am a planner, and not having a plan is starting to take its toll. I am starting to wonder why I waste my time considering our future together when I obviously do not have ultimate control over anything as long as I am tethered to an active alcoholic. The rules seem to change constantly depending on his current line of reasoning regarding his drinking. He is currently in the "I quit drinking for a couple of weeks and remained cheerful to boot; therefore, I can control my drinking and don't have a real problem. So I will continue to drink even though I just got the results of routine bloodwork back that showed an issue with my liver enzymes." Immediately prior to that two week abstinence, we had been in the self-loathing stage where he says, "I am an alcoholic...this is ruining my life. I can't drink at all b/c I have no control." When I asked him what changed, he said, "Things change." wtf???? Evidently, when I told him I didn't want to go to NC with him if he didn't quit drinking, he thought that was reasonable until he didn't think so anymore, and now that he doesn't think it is reasonable, I should just automatically agree. He told me he hadn't wanted to drink last night until our conversation about his whole change in mindset about his drinking. I laughed out loud and told him he didn't want to drink because of our conversation...he wanted to drink because he's an alcoholic, just as he had admitted only two weeks before! I'm telling you, my sister is OCD, and this alcoholism thing presents very much like a mental illness. Anyway, blah, blah, blah...I've got to get a plan b/c I am not willing to spend much more of my thought life on this...I have children to attend to and a life to live, and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!!!
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Old 02-10-2011, 11:34 PM
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Originally Posted by HeyImme View Post
Thanks, Tuffgirl! You are so right...I don't have to commit to anything right in this moment. But I am a planner, and not having a plan is starting to take its toll. I am starting to wonder why I waste my time considering our future together when I obviously do not have ultimate control over anything as long as I am tethered to an active alcoholic. The rules seem to change constantly depending on his current line of reasoning regarding his drinking. He is currently in the "I quit drinking for a couple of weeks and remained cheerful to boot; therefore, I can control my drinking and don't have a real problem. So I will continue to drink even though I just got the results of routine bloodwork back that showed an issue with my liver enzymes." Immediately prior to that two week abstinence, we had been in the self-loathing stage where he says, "I am an alcoholic...this is ruining my life. I can't drink at all b/c I have no control." When I asked him what changed, he said, "Things change." wtf???? Evidently, when I told him I didn't want to go to NC with him if he didn't quit drinking, he thought that was reasonable until he didn't think so anymore, and now that he doesn't think it is reasonable, I should just automatically agree. He told me he hadn't wanted to drink last night until our conversation about his whole change in mindset about his drinking. I laughed out loud and told him he didn't want to drink because of our conversation...he wanted to drink because he's an alcoholic, just as he had admitted only two weeks before! I'm telling you, my sister is OCD, and this alcoholism thing presents very much like a mental illness. Anyway, blah, blah, blah...I've got to get a plan b/c I am not willing to spend much more of my thought life on this...I have children to attend to and a life to live, and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!!!
If you play the movie all the way through you get more of this if you move with him. This is who he is. This is your life with him. Moving is not going to change that.
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Old 02-11-2011, 02:14 AM
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I guess I wonder if my biggest priority is to be home with the kids, do I just go, detach, and get the most time with my kids as possible? Or do I go ahead and get out now out of fear as to how bad it might get?
I choose to stay with my AH for financial reasons (amongst many other reasons). I have a much nicer lifestyle with him than I would without him. Its a big thing, in my opinion (financial security) and can play heavy on your mind, as it sounds to be doing with you. When our DD's were younger, I didn't want to be a single mum struggling to survive, so I chose to stay/return many times. Many on SR are happy they have left, however humble life they lead now, due to the peace and serenity they have in their lives, no longer living with the alcoholic behaviors. I suppose it depends what you can put up with and live with. It also depends if there is any abuse and how much of your current lifestyle is effecting the kids too.

Just as a side note: wives stay with extremely wealthy husbands who have affair after affair etc because of the lifestyle they are provided with by staying in a faithless marriage. Incidentally these wife's would possibly be fairly wealthy and mentally healthier in their own right if they ever left and divorced their husbands, but they don't, again possibly down to their own self esteem being bashed (I am guessing).

I am not suggesting that your husband is wealthy (at all) but there is no shame in staying, if your not ready to leave, then your not ready - simple as! You will know when you are ready, keep planning, squirrel away some money and when you have finally had enough and the negatives outweigh the positives then you will go and feel happy about your decision.

By the way, I am currently living in ambivalence with my AH, not sure if I want to stay, not sure if I want to leave - trapped in the middle. Ambivalence is not a healthy way to live because you really need to put 100% into whatever you do. I too struggle with the 'not knowing if your coming or going'. Sometimes my husband is nice/horrible he says something positive/negative, he disagrees/agrees, I pictured the seven dwarfs the other day and that made me laugh (in particular sleepy, happy and grumpy). Its not an easy way to live at all, so I completely understand where you are coming from.
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Old 02-11-2011, 02:59 AM
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As a part-time working wife at best, I lived a cushy lifestyle. Never worried about a bill being paid, and never was the grocery cart less than stacked high. Vacations were several a year. I wanted for nothing.

Except...

An emotionally "present" partner. My feelings acknowledged and respected. My self-esteem, which was missing, gone, poof, and the usual emotionally twisted stuff.

I left a cushy 6 figure lifestyle.

I am poor now, to some people's assessment, if simple finances were the only way we measure poverty.

I think I was poorer then. I was depressed and despondent.

I will stand on my own two feet. I will respect myself that way. I will not feel needy or dependent just to survive.

But, my situation is different from a couple of you--as in my kids had left home by the time I left.

Just don't sell yourself short. You gauge what that would be.
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