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Someone help me pls

Old 02-10-2011, 08:16 AM
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Someone help me pls

Hi-i am posting because I have just been dealt a blow and don't know who else to turn to and I feel very alone.

BACKGROUND: I am in my late 30's and returned to college this past fall. I moved 12 hours away from home, took a leave from my job and am pursuing the my passion which is music. I am renting a room in the home of a family and developed a long distance friendship with their son who is a professional musician who lives several states away. He graduated many years ago from the school I now attend and is in his early 30's, a professional musician, smart, handsome, charming etc. His mother introduced us by phone, and he started calling regularly from Sept to Dec...sometimes every night...we have a lot in common regarding music. At that time I was lonely, new to the area,immersed in my studies and he was a source of emotional support. In December we finally met face to face when he came home to visit his family/me. During out 4/5 days together he toured me around, showed me where he grew up, we Christmas shopped, went to a park, played music together, went to the movies, dinner...and he did not drink much-2 merlots at dinner and a beer afterward at a club. I was flattered after we kissed the 3rd night and he asked me to be his girlfriend...he wanted to try to meet at least monthly and asked if I would be willing to 'give it a try'. I said yes.

I began thinking he was alcoholic early on but I wasn't sure since most of our friendship/relationship has been long distance-by phone. He would call from a gig /or at home-alone-and say he was 'buzzing' but that he was 'fine' or 'OK' and would beg to talk to me. At first I forbade him and made it clear not to call me like that. And he didn't. However, after he returned to his state after Christmas I noticed the calls started getting less frequent and since I was now his 'girlfriend' I started picking up his late night calls me when he was 'buzzing.' He called 'buzzin' after a gig or at home alone or when he felt or horny or cuz he 'just wanted to.' Whenever I mentioned that I thought he might have a problem with alcohol he'd say that he never drank too much...rarely got drunk and that I must have had 'a bad experience' with someone who drank in the past. etc..intimating that I'm hypersensitive and overreacting. Partly true...my dad (R.I.P.)was an alcoholic who went into recovery in his late 30's or 40's and was successful in recovery. But he always educated me about alcoholism and when I was a teen my mother religiously dragged me to Alanon meetings...Alateen i think was the name of the group. So I learned early on about this disease...not everything...but enough to know what to look for and to always be smart and wary when dating.

All along he said I was a 'challenge' and 'unlike' other women. He pursued me hard (albeit by phone) but after Christmas the calls got less frequent and he wasn't returning all my calls and texts like before. He told me he hadn't called because he'd been 'beyond busy' with work in January. He also cancelled our plans to visit on my birthday which is Valentine's Day.

Mr. Boyfriend called me last week asked if I 'minded' if he got 'hammered' and was home drinking vodka and iced tea alone after a gig. I listened to him ramble til he fell asleep on the phone. Drunk at 4am, he told me that I was calling him too much, whined that he won't want to call me if I 'call him a lot' (we are supposed to be boyfriend/girlfriend!) and that he had backed away from me in January just to 'see what I would do'. He asked me to give him a wake up call at noon the next day and when I said no he said. 'Don't be cold. You know I care about you...I'm not perfect.' It didn't even sound like him.

I decided after that that I'd had enough of being 'girlfriend' and decided to go NC. (On another note...when he was home at Christmas I got a personal phone call, excused myself and went to my bedroom to talk. I saw from my window that he was standing my the door and listening in on my call...weird!) I tried for 2 days to contact him but he didn't return my calls. Finally, I left a message telling him I 'needed a break' and not to make contact with me at all via his family. Then I blocked my phone, email and FB. I am depressed because this man had talked to me about marriage and children and I was hopeful that this was the beginning of something special. Now I just feel like I may have dodged a bullet.

Normally I move on easily when things don't work out but this time it's a bit difficult since I live with his mom and dad and there are many photos of him around the house. Makes me wonder if I made a mistake. I am trying to keep myself busy with school, studies, working out at the gym and trying to get back focused on school which is why i came here in the first place! I'm having trouble concentrating on school nad have missed 3 classes this week. UGH! How did I get caught up in this??

*Last note: He spent 1 night in jail in November because he was on probation and didnt check in regularly with the officer. That was the result of having been pulled over after a gig..he'd had 'a drink' and they wanted to charge him with DUI but somehow it got knocked down to probation. Anyway they picked him up at home on a warrant and he spent one night in jail. I think his parents bailed him out and his mother cried to me about it the next day.

I think I need to move out of this house!

Last edited by hurting12; 02-10-2011 at 08:28 AM. Reason: forgot to add
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Old 02-10-2011, 08:21 AM
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Hi welcome to SR!!
Any chance you could explore the idea of moving out to another place??

I know its convenient to stay where you are, but constant triggers & stress take a huge toll on you. I know, I work with an ex who is an alcoholic, been stressed for 2 years and it has made a number in my health.... peace has no price (I am contemplating moving away...)

You made no mistake going NC. Good for you. He is trouble and it only gets worse. Perhaps going to a therapist/alanon would help you dettach and deal with your feelings? it has helped me and many others.

Also I recommend "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty, excellent book!!
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Old 02-10-2011, 08:24 AM
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Getting involved with an alcoholic is nothing to be ashamed about. Please be kind to yourself. Remember that

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it

IMO you made a very wise choice about cutting contact with this boyfriend. It may be tougher to move on because you're living in his parents' house! Is it possible for you to look for another room to rent?
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Old 02-10-2011, 08:29 AM
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Welcome to Sr, first of all. And sorry for your hurt and confusion. I can imagine how it must feel to get the alcoholic run-around from this guy. He took you for a ride, eh? What first came to mind was the phrase, "Be careful fishing off the home pier" because now there's little distance between you and this situation. One can also swap 'home' with 'company' and have the same affect. puts us too close for comfort when things don't turn out right. Might consider a new place to live?

But secondly, I was envious that you are so educated to see the red flags waving and did the right thing - ended this relationship. Your folks did you a huge favor!

It just hurts because you got your hopes up and bought into the fantasy of what he was saying for a while. But if this guy is truly an alcoholic, it is a fantasy. Your reality, if you continue with him, will look like mine, and many many others who post on this forum.

You sound like a goal-oriented and grounded woman. Don't lose sight of that. And let the rest go.
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Old 02-10-2011, 08:50 AM
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Thanks for the validation. I'm gonna look for another place to live...just afraid it may be hard now in the middle of the semester. This one was a doosy and I feel like I've wasted time. I worked so hard to make this dream happen of attending this school-one of the best in the world-and I feel like a high school girl who is crying over her boyfriend-high school drama...but it isn't. I have antidepressants -which I brought with me before I moved last year...just in case...but I hate to take them. Grrr..now may be the time to bite the bullet.

I'll post more later. I feel like a schmuk!

Thanks to everyone! I know this will take time!

Last edited by hurting12; 02-10-2011 at 08:54 AM. Reason: wanted to add
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Old 02-10-2011, 09:20 AM
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You did the right thing.

My XABF was so sweet and understanding when we first started going out. He always took me to fancy dinners, he always got dressed up, he told me how "special" I was, how much I understood him, how much he understood me, he'd always buy me flowers, and it wasn't long before he made it clear that he wanted to marry me once he got his bills "sorted out."
It all went downhill from there, and the XABF I know now is a bitter, emotionally and verbally abusive controlling man who came very close to crossing the line to being physically abusive, and who has only respected my "no contact" so far because I blocked his phone from calling me, he's afraid to be fired for sexual harassment at work (the psychologist said he would be if he tried to contact me at work), and he got in an accident shortly after getting out of inpatient rehab for alcoholism and was in the hospital for two weeks.

You escaped. Congratulations!

I'd also suggest you take a look at this list, because I recognized a few from what you were typing above, and there might be a few other warning signs that you never even thought to post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sal-abuse.html


And btw, Happy Birthday, four days in advance.
2 9 7
:day
(There are so many great birthday ones, I couldn't decide.)
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Old 02-10-2011, 09:23 AM
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What an intelligent, brave young woman you are!!

How great for you not to ignore or dismiss the "red flags" for the sake of "love"

I know that's what I did and it cost me dearly!!

Yes, there will be pain and a time of healing ~ sometimes that healing requires therapy, self-care, attending meetings, reading literature, getting in touch with your HP and even prescribed medication ~ there is nothing wrong with that.

You are a perfectly normal person recoverying from a heartbreak - take good care of YOU!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 02-10-2011, 09:31 AM
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I just want to say I understand, but you have to focus on you and your dreams. I wish so bad that I was in my 30s right now, where I am in life, so that things would be easier. I would not be so tired, not so unemployable, and I would have not have devoted so much of my life to an AH that did nothing but take time from me and my kids' lives.
Time is precious; don't waste it on a loser that is playing games with you. Be proactive and do something positive for yourself to get back on track. Is this guy worth failing school and not acheiving your dreams. Don't be me, 46 and back in school myself, looking for a job, that employers give to 18 yr olds.
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Old 02-10-2011, 11:13 AM
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Anyone who can get away from an alcoholic early in the relationship, has saved themselves from years of heartache and grief. Hasta la vista!
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Old 02-10-2011, 04:22 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
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I know it's a difficult and painful situation, but I think you are doing absolutely the right thing. Hope you are able to find a new, more peaceful, place soon.
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Old 02-10-2011, 04:43 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
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I agree. You sound like a very smart, strong woman. Stay as far away from that guy as possible. Make effort to meet people at school, people who are doing what you are doing. Create yourself a peer group. Have confidence in yourself so that you don't look to someone else, (like some older guy who has already done what you're doing) to meet the needs only you can fulfill. Make as many girlfriends as you can! Focus on you and your studies, not some old, smelly drunk guy
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Old 02-10-2011, 06:42 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
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To be able to recognize, and extricate yourself from this potential nightmare of a relationship is outstanding! Kudos to you, not self-flagellation! To fall under the spell of a charming, talented, bright and fun guy is something that - believe it or not - a few of us have done

Since you are from a family of chemically-dependent types, this might be a great site to hang around in!

In any case, welcome. You go take care of yourself, now.


:ghug3
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Old 02-11-2011, 04:44 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
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thank you!

Oh wow! Thanks to everyone who replied to my post...this really helped me get through the day yesterday and even last night when I came home after classes.

I am in the middle of a busy semester and just started an on campus job...it's going to be difficult for me to look for and find another place but I'm gonna get on Craigslist and some other campus posting sites this weekend just to see. But I think I'll prob going to end up staying here until the semester ends in May at least.

Even after reading everyone's posts yesterday I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was "Oh, I miss him" and I felt depressed. I miss our discussions and the good way he made me feel and even hearing his voice...I don't even want to look at our pictures together. Grief and longing. Ugh. Has anyone experienced this ??? Care to share about how you got throught it??? On the other hand, I don't miss the confusion and the waiting for days to see when he would call me back or drunk calls and the confusion thereafter. I don't miss that. Anyone been there? Soooo hard.

Thank you for this site and for the folks here. I reached out on a whim after stumbling on this site and was really surprised and grateful for the responses from this forum. Very validating particularly because I am a bit isolated-which I'm gonna work on improving- and all my close friends are far away. Also, none of them have had the same exposure/education I have had about alcoholism so they don't really 'get it'...most were just happy to see me in a coveted 'relationship' after being single for a while. I looked to them for advice but none picked up on any warning signals. Ultimately, I really just had to rely on my gut. One friend even encouraged me to hang in there with this guy because 'no relationship is perfect' and told me 'don't give up on him yet...if you get 80% going right then that's about as good as it gets...etc' wtf?? I bought that for a minute but it never really felt right. I'm off to class but will be checking back in between classes...will appreciate any thoughts from anyone!

thanks! -HURTING
ps also i made an appt for on campus counseling so i can get some additional support with this.

Last edited by hurting12; 02-11-2011 at 04:55 AM. Reason: wanted to add
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Old 02-11-2011, 05:11 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
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I am so impressed with your strength, and the way you are taking care of yourself.

You are so right, those who are fortunate to never have been involved with an alcoholic, or lived with one have absolutely no idea what that means. You obviously have great parents, and what a gift they gave you in teaching you about this terrible disease and what it can do to all those involved.

Maybe this was just a test from your HP, and things will only get better from here. We have lessons to learns in this life, and even though it hurts right now, I promise you, you have done the right thing, and you are gonna be so much happier for it.

Hope you can move out of that house soon. Take care of you
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Old 02-11-2011, 01:09 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
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Thanks for the early birthday wishes...

I forgot to say thanks to StarCat for the early birthday wishes! I was expecting to spend my Valentine birthday on a beach somewhere with Mr. Wonderful-which is what he promised me a month ago...but at least I'm not in tears all day like Saturday when I called to break up. so i guess something good came of this!

Seeking Calm-thanks for the compliment...my strength is coming in handy right now-mostly earned from past experiences and not wanting to get burned again. At any rate, I'm so grateful for this forum. I guess that no matter how 'smart' or savvy you are you can still be duped by a smooth talker and lured into relationship with an alcoholic. Sheesh!
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Old 02-13-2011, 07:51 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
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And a few more things, now that I've done some reading on this site....

I think this guy was worse than I initially thought. We live in different states, were phone friends for 3 months then met at Christmas when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I broke up with him last week. The whole family is a bit unbalanced but the rent was cheap and they came recommended.

Anyway, I've been reading a bit on this site over the last two days and other folks' posts reminded me of other things my now xbf has said over the last 5 months that worry me:

1. He's a prof musician and was playing in a band for a celebrity singer on a cruise last year. After the show he and the celebrity went to the blackjack table. He told me he had so much fun gambling with the celebrity that it was 'the best $600 he'd ever lost!' (red flag I forgot about)

2. His mother told me he never has $ cuz he spends but figures he can just make more. He gets gigs but complained to me about being behind on bills and even asked me to loan him the $ to fly home to see me for Christmas (No. i didn't). Meanwhile he owns some $300 designer shirts.

3. After our Christmas visit together he went on an overseas gig...I barely heard from him most of January and at the end of the month he said he'd been busy working all month because he'd spent a lot of $ visiting with me and on the overseas trip...said when he got back to the US he had only $5.00 in his bank acccount! Said he was disgusted with himself and was emabarrassed to tell me about his bank balance. 'I can't do this anymore...not at my age..(early 30's)...maybe back in my 20's but not now.' Said he'd had a 'revelation', he 'woke up' and had to 'reprioritize' and make $-especially if we were going to be seeing each other monthly. Said at his age he felt he had done 'nothing with his life. Absolutely nothing.' (Not even 35 and you think you've done 'nothing' with your life???) Said his poor $ situation inspired him to re-evaluate...said he'd been depressed and drinking before he met me but that my maturity makes him want to be more mature...that I am more disciplined than he is. Knew he needed to cut back on the smoking (heavy smoker) and drinking to be with me. Felt I was good for him and that we were very compatible.

4. I've already written about how he listened in on my phone call when we met at Christmas.

5.After we met at Christmas his conversations became sexual, always what he wanted to do to me and one day said because we are both tall and big boned that the sex would 'probably be rough and the condom will probably break.' (Huh?) Right after Christmas he got drunk after a gig and texted me about how he wanted me to 'control him' and make him 'do stuff' for me. 'I want you to control me.' Asked me if I would be dominant cuz he wanted to be submissive to me...wanted to spoil me and wanted me to be controlling and make him do things for me. ugh. i know...CRAZY! Asked me to tie him up with my bras to the bedposts and sit on his face ...but really he wanted me to do it 'Hard'. ugh. He wasn't always drinking when he said these things...I think.

6. Said he was afraid and did not want to go 'too fast' with me cuz that's what he did with his ex-wife and they didn't know each other well when they married. Yet told me we should 'meet 3 more times and then tie the knot.' Yeah, I was flattered but I thought he was kidding. And asked me SEVERAL times if I would have his baby...thought I would make a great mom and he 'trusted me.' .

7. 2 nights b4 I broke up he called drunk at 4am after a gig, said 'Why did you change? You never told me why you changed. I was calling you for 3 months cuz I wanted to. You didn't do anything. I wanted to do that. I knew you were special. Remember, I knew you before you ever knew me. You weren't calling me before...And now you're trying to be me. You can't be me. If you call me then I won't want to call you. You fell in love with who you thought I was You want me, girl? If you want me you better know what you're getting into.'

I'm just venting cuz I've read other things here that just validate my thoughts even further make me think I made a VERY wise decision to go NC. I don't think I could have gotten this type of advice/validation anywhere other than a site like this. Hell, I know his whole family so I thought chances of him being crazy were slimmer since I could always talk to his family. My friends have been well meaning but they weren't all that helpful in this situation. A few encouraged me to hang in there or thought I was just overreacting. I love my friends but this has really shown me how some women would rather be in a relationship-at almost any cost-rather than be alone...maybe they don't see red flags or just don't believe them.

Aw, I'm rambling now but I had to get some of this off my chest. Thanks and goodnight, All!
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Old 02-13-2011, 09:23 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hurting12 View Post
:...I don't even want to look at our pictures together. Grief and longing. Ugh. Has anyone experienced this ??? Care to share about how you got throught it??? .
Pretend he's dead. Period. Works like a charm.

Hi, I'm studying to be a psychologist and will focus on relationships and addiction when I start my practice in approximately three years. If there's anything I can answer for you, just ask.

This guy is a loser. It's pretty obvious.
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Old 02-13-2011, 09:36 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hurting12 View Post
:...I don't even want to look at our pictures together. Grief and longing. Ugh. Has anyone experienced this ??? Care to share about how you got throught it??? .
Pretend he's dead. Period. Works like a charm.

Hi, I'm studying to be a psychologist and will focus on marriage and couples counseling and addiction when I start my practice in approximately three years. If there's anything I can answer for you, just ask.

This guy is a loser. It's pretty obvious.

You need to stop making excuses and move out of his parents house now. If you're only renting a room, you don't have a lot of stuff/furniture with you so it won't be a major move. I'm sure some of your friends/and or college friends can get a couple cars/trucks together and get you moved fast.

This loser will use the connection of you living with his parents to keep his foot in the door with you. Be prepared for him to show up at the house unannounced and knocking at your door. Do not answer when/if he shows up. Put a lock on your room door now. Don't take his calls. Of course you will be sad, but there's nothing to be sad about. You should be mad instead. He didn't treat you right and he's got to many problems. You say he's already been in jail?! C'mon. Responsible men don't go to jail. Move on and don't look back.

P.S. Sorry for the duel post.
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Old 02-13-2011, 11:14 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Honey, RUN, as fast as you can and don't look back! Mistakes are made every day, you took a chance, the chance did not pay off! I'm just be-fuddled why his family would even put you in this mess, and surely they know very well what he is doing with his life, and if they don't.....well, something is terribly wrong with them! Go as fast as you can! If it were me, I would have been gone right after the 2 Metlot's and the next beer....one is enough for a first date...I don't care how old you both are! With all your past experiences with your family and the information you had, I am surprised you didn't pick up on it PDQ? Go where he cannot find you through any trail.....I hope this doesn't turn into him stalking you!!!! I've seen it, my daughter lived it and it was very frightening. He tried to kill her by removing the lug nuts from the wheels of her car! Thank God she saw a few of the lug nut's lying on the ground....we may have lost our beautiful daughter, at the young age of 23!
Be sensible, and be careful, this guy sounds like a nut case....just praying all turns out for the best for you! I would leave before May, leave like NOW!!!!!!

Last edited by Imisspenny; 02-13-2011 at 11:17 PM. Reason: Misspelling
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Old 02-14-2011, 12:19 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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How does one go through the grief.. well.. one day at a time... one hour at a time.. one minute at a time!! talking to people that get you... its sad when friends don't get it but they have been lucky not to have any idea of this madness, longing & mourning for Jekyll but being angry, hurt & confused with Mr Hyde. I recall I felt a tornado just passed.

You are so smart. One step at a time.. HAPPY BDAY BTW... so you are an Aquarius?? we totally RULE..
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