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Someone help me pls

Old 05-02-2011, 03:20 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Update: Well I still havent found a place for the cats...but still planning to move out on the 15th and into a new place with 2 other women...one is a student at my school. Meanwhile, Ive had some peace of mind since I went NC with XABF several weeks ago. I never mention him at home and when his mom has tried I've politely changed the subject or had to excuse myself because sometimes she doesnt take hints! Meanwhile, she seems too concerned about what my opinion might be of him....last week out of the blue she started a rambling conversation in the kitchen about 'forgivness' and how 'everyone has their own baggage..blah blah blah'...'that doesnt make them bad people, blah blah blah'...i honestly have no idea exactly she was talking about..it caught me off guard and since it seemed have something to do with him i politely excused myself. yesterday as I was leaving to meet a friend she made a point to tell me that she told him about me moving out and how he said I should be careful..that some parts of my new neighborhood can be dangerous...that his parents should know where I'm moving to. Ok...a)he's not concerned and b)I really don't care what he said or thinks! It seems she wants me to make sure that I dont leave with a bad impression of her son but he's an adult and so am I...ugh..get a life lady!! ugh!
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Old 05-02-2011, 03:51 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Not to be mean...but i just dont get why she keeps bringing him up. Its obvious that I'm not interested and hes not even around...he lives in another state! While shes a nice old lady, and im grateful for all the kindness from her and her husband over the months...she even calls me her 'daughter' and tells me she'll miss me when Im gone...but I cant help but resent it a little that she keeps bringing him up..feels like shes trying to force feed me that he's really not 'that bad'. I think she takes it personally....

OK just had to vent. Bear with me people til the 15th!
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Old 05-02-2011, 03:53 PM
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Yes, we've all been there. Of course we miss the GOOD things about our alcoholic exes, but the bad was SO horrible. For me, the bad was horrific and traumatic, and I am still trying to recover. Being with an alcoholic off and on for 3.5 yrs even turned me into someone I barely recognize and do not like.

Yes, he had good qualities that I miss. But he made it absolutely impossible for me to be with him without risking my own safety, security and peace of mind. And that was of paramount importance to me. You gotta love yourself and look out for yourself-don't let any relationship keep you from doing that.

Originally Posted by hurting12 View Post
Even after reading everyone's posts yesterday I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was "Oh, I miss him" and I felt depressed. I miss our discussions and the good way he made me feel and even hearing his voice...I don't even want to look at our pictures together. Grief and longing. Ugh. Has anyone experienced this ??? Care to share about how you got throught it??? On the other hand, I don't miss the confusion and the waiting for days to see when he would call me back or drunk calls and the confusion thereafter. I don't miss that. Anyone been there? Soooo hard.
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Old 05-02-2011, 03:56 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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She sounds like she could be in denial about his problem. Being able to see him as someone who can attract a worthwhile partner like you, is probably feeding into her denial, so she's reluctant to let go of that fantasy.

My ex's parents knew i was good for him. They liked me a lot. I know they do not like the girl he is with now. His mom even said "heaven forbid (her son) ends up with someone like (the girl he's with now, who is a longtime ex.)"

She is a pothead with no job who lives with her mom at the age of 27. Very bad influence on my ex. So long as he's with her it's hard for them to live in denial that he has a problem. When he was with me, though, I "took care of things" and refused to enable him, so they could keep up the facade.

Originally Posted by hurting12 View Post
Not to be mean...but i just dont get why she keeps bringing him up. Hes not even around (he lives in another state!). While shes a nice old lady, and im grateful for all her kindness over the months...she calls me her 'daughter' and tells me she'll miss me..I cant help but resent the fact that she keeps bringing him up when its obvious I'm not interested.
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Old 05-02-2011, 04:51 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
Being with an alcoholic off and on for 3.5 yrs even turned me into someone I barely recognize and do not like.
Im so sorry to hear that but also glad that u recognized what was happening to you and are getting healthier.

Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
She sounds like she could be in denial about his problem.
Very perceptive. And she is like that with all her sons-and even her husband. Her vision is very narrow. This is a very different family system from my FOO. They are very caring of their children but at times it seems like smothering/overbearing/coddling. The sons are almost all 30s'-40s+.

Someone else posted here about how she might later turn against me since things ultimatley didnt work out between me and her son. I could see that happening but Im trying to leave b4 anything like that happens. This woman very much sees her sons as children, 'all good' and an extension of herself.

A few months ago I wanted to be a part of this family..they seemed ideal, churchgoing and all that. They-and their son-made me feel good and secure at a time when I was lonely, new and felt insecure and maybe even somewhat deficient-based on some my own family relationships. But now after several months of living with them and insight and perspective I learned that a)I was never really deficient and that b) NOBODY can make me feel better than I can make myself feel-even when it's hard.

ok...im done now!
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Old 05-02-2011, 06:36 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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You saw the signs, and now you're taking positive steps to remove yourself from a negative situation.
You're doing what you need to do.

I know it's difficult.
Appearances are very important to dysfunctional families. It's more important to keep up appearances than it is to actually fix things, in that unhealthy dynamic, because fixing things means admitting something's wrong, and nothing is allowed to be wrong.
Hence, she's very concerned about your opinion of her son, because you are a thread to keeping up that appearance, and she wants to build it up again. She doesn't want any cracks in their facade.

Just keep doing what you're doing, keep helping yourself, keep being polite but excusing yourself from the situation...
You're doing fine.
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:49 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Thanks StarCat!
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Old 05-03-2011, 11:09 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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YUPYUPYUPYUP

My ex even went to his parents, crying, saying he had a problem, back in 2009, because he had done cocaine after promising me he wouldn't. That made him say, it's the alcohol. I have a drinking problem. Did his parents do anything? NO.

I tried to get him into AA. He wouldn't go-said he wanted to work on a program of "moderation management." That should've been an impetus for me to move away from him but I wanted to let him see that HIS plan was not going to work. I even told him, ok but you have to recognize, if this plan doesn't work, you have a drinking problem.

Guess what? When July 4th rolled around, he decided to go back to the bar, even though I told him I would walk because of it.

My ex's parents have been in denial for years. It's scary. And yeah, I'm sure now I am the bad guy, because I tried to alert them to his problem. When he put his gun in his mouth during a drunken argument I really wanted to tell them what happened. I decided against it because they've been worthless so far. I figured they'd just make things worse.

Originally Posted by StarCat View Post

You saw the signs, and now you're taking positive steps to remove yourself from a negative situation.
You're doing what you need to do.

I know it's difficult.
Appearances are very important to dysfunctional families. It's more important to keep up appearances than it is to actually fix things, in that unhealthy dynamic, because fixing things means admitting something's wrong, and nothing is allowed to be wrong.
Hence, she's very concerned about your opinion of her son, because you are a thread to keeping up that appearance, and she wants to build it up again. She doesn't want any cracks in their facade.

Just keep doing what you're doing, keep helping yourself, keep being polite but excusing yourself from the situation...
You're doing fine.
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Old 05-03-2011, 01:58 PM
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ya done good


and....here you go:

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Old 05-03-2011, 11:00 PM
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Sounds like she's desperately trying to preserve her image that everything is hunky dorey and there are no problems whatsoever in her family. I would NOT give Mom your new address when you move. Your XABF's comments about your new apartment being in a dangerous neighborhood, and insisting you give his parents your new address literally made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Sounds stalkerish, obsessive and like a veiled threat. Just be safe, please.
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Old 05-12-2011, 05:38 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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Someone pls keep me from pulling my HAIR OUT!!!!

1. So my move was planned for Saturday. I was SO excited about moving and I've been packing for a week. host family knows im leaving and we are on good terms. THEN my soon to new roommate called earlier this week to say the apartment shes only been in for 1 month has mice and some roaches(!) She called her landlord who sent an exterminator who confirmed the place is infested! Now shes getting her secy deposit and 1 months rent returned and is moving in with her cousin. This leaves me no new place to go to.

So I told host mom tonight about it. Told her Iíd pay for another month but I wasnít sure when Iíd be leaving. Iím going to keep looking. And talking to people. Her husband has been ill and cant work much so Iím sure theyíll be glad to have the $. Meanwhile she told me she doesnít really want me to go anyway. ☹ Then she brought up how her son blah blah blan and how he told her that he ' said make sure shes very careful about where she moves to.' Thatís when I excused myself.

OK Im trying so hard to be grateful for the place I have and for the people Im with even though they get on my last nerve. Especially when she brings up her damn SON!

Grrrr. Im just gonna keep on looking maybe this time I can find a place that will take my cats too. Itll cost me $800/month to board them. Sigh.

I know this will all work out. Thatís what I keep telling myself. I try to be grateful and appreciate where I am and know that things could always be worse!
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Old 05-12-2011, 05:55 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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It *WILL * work out.

school is almost over - TONS of places will be opening up
and you can probably find something you don't have to share.

be calm and trust that everything will be okay.

when has the world ever stopped before?



it is probably the avoidance of a HUGE disaster with this other.

be calm.
all the liddle kiddies will be going home for the summer
and you can snag one of their places.
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