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Old 02-14-2011, 06:58 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I am so glad and not at all surprised that you found the clarity you were seeking here at SR!

You are so smart, and you did get away from what could have been a terrible situation...I would not wait until May to move. Just look around, can't hurt. Better off away from the whole family. Sounds like they would have liked you to take him off their hands.

Do something nice for yourself this Valentine's Day, and everyday!
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Old 02-14-2011, 07:36 AM
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Happy Birthday, hurting.
Have a great day, do something fun for yourself.
You should be so proud of yourself, for noticing the warnings, and listening to yourself.

As for the people who are desperate to stay in relationships...
It's sad, but I'm seeing that, too.
On a talk radio station this morning, I heard the DJ talking about one of his listener's Valentine's Day gift from her boyfriend, and having people call in.
He bought her a certificate to take a "Pole Dancing Workshop," and her message said that she felt really uncomfortable with that.

The DJ (a man) felt that the gift should have never been given, because it was a gift for the boyfriend, not for the recipient.
The men callers vacillated between saying it was a poor gift, to saying that she could "compromise" because the boyfriend obviously felt something was "lacking" in the relationship.
And all the female callers said that she should go to the class to hold on to "her man," because otherwise he'd run off cheating on her because she didn't do what he wanted.


Men like that are a dime a dozen, but if you spend all your time clinging to one, you'll miss out on all the good ones.
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Old 02-14-2011, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by hurting12 View Post

5.After we met at Christmas his conversations became sexual, always what he wanted to do to me and one day said because we are both tall and big boned that the sex would 'probably be rough and the condom will probably break.' (Huh?) Right after Christmas he got drunk after a gig and texted me about how he wanted me to 'control him' and make him 'do stuff' for me. 'I want you to control me.' Asked me if I would be dominant cuz he wanted to be submissive to me...wanted to spoil me and wanted me to be controlling and make him do things for me. ugh. i know...CRAZY! Asked me to tie him up with my bras to the bedposts and sit on his face ...but really he wanted me to do it 'Hard'. ugh. He wasn't always drinking when he said these things...I think.
hurting12....This paragraph alone indicates "PSYCHO" stuff. With how he has behaved in this paragraph alone, there is no reason to even try to figure out anything else concerning his behavior or your history together. For your own safety, mentally AND physically, you need to make this relationship "over". There is no telling what he will do and what he's capable of. I hope you're listening.

I agree with another poster who said his parents probably don't want you to leave so you can keep him off of their backs. It's time to move out of their house now. Like I said in my previous post, your staying there will only tie you to him and keep the connection going. You need to break the connection. Now.

I wouldn't even call what you and he had a "relationship". In a relationship, there is love, trust, respect, and mutual care for each other's well-being. Read back over your post; does this sound like what you two shared to you?...
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Old 02-14-2011, 08:53 AM
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Hurting - you sound better...like you are working through this and processing it differently this time. Keep moving forward to untangle yourself. I read somewhere that "insight is a rearrangement of facts".

Don't worry about rambling here - I have found that the more I write, the more I process it through my sometimes thick brain and the details take on a different kind of clarity. It seems you are beginning to see this is a pretty unhealthy situation. Good for you! Keep it up!
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Old 02-14-2011, 09:09 AM
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I read somewhere that "insight is a rearrangement of facts".
I like that!! Excellent tid bit

Don't worry about rambling here - I have found that the more I write, the more I process it through my sometimes thick brain and the details take on a different kind of clarity.
I totally agree!
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Old 02-14-2011, 10:58 AM
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First: Happy Birthday to you! It's my birthday today too!

The thing I realized when my Abf made all those same promises (and we actually have a daughter together) and didn't follow through is that I was disappointed by the person, but deeply disappointed in myself for allowing myself to believe the fantasy of a perfect life and love. I realized it can't happen with an active addict as sincere as they seem to be. They don't have the ability to love anyone when they don't really know what love is and cannot love themselves first. It took me a long time to get out and a lot of grieving that our life was not going to be what I wanted or was promised. I'm sorry you have gone through this but what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck . . . Definitely a smart choice.

Peace,
Jen
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Old 02-20-2011, 11:35 AM
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You sound very wise. I think you dodged a bullet and should move out. Alcoholism is progressive. At first when dating you only see the good stuff and then as time goes on you see the real deal. I realized 2 yrs. into my marriage I had made a HUGE mistake. I didn't get my white picket fence but I would not trade the serenity I have now. Focus on your goals you had before him. It takes me awhile to get over relationships but studying codependency has helped me alot. I want to "fix" them but I don't have that power. Let go or be dragged. Like I said you sound very wise.
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:11 PM
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Update:still having a rough time

This post is more about me than AXB and I've been very introspective about why I allowed this animal to hang around in my life for 6 months-albeit long distance. I feel a little ashamed that after so many people here on SR said i was smart I have to admit that I am just now SERIOUSLY looking for another place to live and putting my 'feelers out' by letting friends and acquaintences know. For whatever reason, I re-established contact with Mr. Man-twice-after going NC the 1st time. I'd never done that before. I know how to ‘move’ on but in this case it was just hard to maintain NC while living with his parents and being somewhat isolated. I missed him badly and had to hear about him or was asked about him and it stressed me a great deal. *He knew it too.* My semester is almost over and I am looking for a place for May 1. I think I can do it.

He still texts from time to time-why I don’t know… I'm non-responsive.
he ultimately did one of those 'disappearing acts'-you know where the guy just vanishes off into thin air-no more calls/communication etc after telling you how amazing u r etc. I'm quite convinced he's with someone else wherever he is. Long story but good riddance.

I know this is for the best. he was a HUGE distraction from my academic success but moreover my peace of mind. I just didnt have any and I still struggle but its getting better. I keep wondering if there's something about me that attracted this jerk and how to avoid it in the future. I’m always trying to learn from life’s lessons.

i've woken up many days in this house depressed-when I should be happy. Academic challenges and this crap has really taken a toll on me this semester and I don’t know how I got through it. Prayer. Mostly, I avoid socializing with his mother, with whom I've had a close relationship since September-maybe too close. My relationship with my own mom sucks so this woman became like a mother-figure to to me and I was happy. When she tried to ‘sell me’ on her son and I didn’t give him the same scrutiny I would any other man.

Off topic but I've never met a woman like this before: Her conversation ALWAYS reverts back to her 6 sons and I'm just sick of hearing it now. She came to the US as a teen from another country, married young and raised 6 sons...was a stay at home mom and her whole life was her sons. It still is: The youngest sons are almost 30 they still live at home, she cleans up behind them-literally, washes their dishes, and clothes and their parents chauferr (sp) them where they need to go.

Living with this family has been like a vacation for me in many ways...She calls me daughter, cooks for me, washes my clothes and cleans my room weekly. But I've been on my own since I was 18 when I left home for college the first time.

I'm grateful for everything this family has done for me and for the experience but I think it’s time to move on. I feel that moving away will help set me back on the solid ground of independence again.
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Old 04-07-2011, 09:41 AM
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I think your instinct is right: it's time to move on.
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Old 04-10-2011, 09:40 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Another update

Originally Posted by hadassah View Post
time is precious; don't waste it on a loser that is playing games with you. Be proactive and do something positive for yourself to get back on track. Is this guy worth failing school and not acheiving your dreams.
i did get proactive this week. I looked at a room in the home of an older woman..its unfurnished and far from my school but its an option...i learned about it because i reached out to a friend and passed on the lady's information to me.

Also, one day as i was checking craigslist for an apartment i ran into a student id met earlier in the semester... I told her i was on craigs looking for a place to stay and she said she had a vacant room in her apt and i should come by to see it. I did. Its a nice place. Unfortunatey i cant bring my cats and i have 2..so now ill have to find a place for them. Oh boy! Even though i want a complete disconnect from my current living situation im considering asking the lady where i currently live if i could leave them with her temporarily...

Tough choices and big decisions...oh boy, but at least i am making progress!
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Old 04-11-2011, 06:56 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Hi,
I'm about your age, a bit older, and have two young daughters (3 and 5) with a man who sounds so so similar to your xBF. My summarized story below is being provided to show you what you're missing. When you are sad and missing your bf, remind yourself of the bullets below that you've dodge...

I saw all the red flags you describe seeing but unlike you who exercised incredible strength to break something off that was incredibly damaging and unhealthy for you, I stuck around. I've been married for 8 yrs, my career has taken a nose dive in part bc of the emotional energy that goes into my unhealthy relationship and takes energy away from my job, my health is very poor (I was hospitalized this weekend for observation bc of some irregular heart beat and bloodpressure issues), our D's are in therapy and my 5 yr old has NO self esteem. My H has taken all our savings and spent it on booze and "toys" for himself.

Like you I have a terrible r/s with my own mom and early on in my r/s with my AH (when he was my non committal "bf") I sometimes wondered if I loved him or his mother more. She was like the mom I never had. I got sucked into the family system and thought I was loved. You are leaving in time to avoid what comes next: his mom would inevitably have turned on you when you stopped enabling her son or when you expressed to her that you were concerned about his behavior. I've found myself having lost not just a H but also his family who at one time I naively believed cared about me.

You are very very wise, strong and an inspiration. You are living proof that doing what is right and healthy means having to face pain and sadness head on. Unlike you, when I've been sad/missed my H etc... I've gone running back to the dysfunction rather than push through the pain.

Having brought kids into the equation has just made it that much harder and I wish I could go back to being where you are, seeing all the same warning signals and turned and ran away.

I think your plan to find a new place is a great idea and I can't recall if you said you've blocked him from texting you/emailing etc... but if you haven't, that might help?

Happy belated bday by the way... I think that part of your story really hit a nerve. I've been promised for years on bdays, mothers days, anniversaries, holidays etc... that my AH wants to plan and has things in the works for me and not a single time has any of it happened. I really never thought this was something anyone else had experienced and reading your story makes me wonder just how common this kind of emotionally abusive stuff is? Is it bc of alcoholism or is it that emotionally abusive persons tends to have addictions? Either way it really sucks that he led you to believe he'd do something for your bday and then pulled what he did. I;ve lived that for years and I know how much it hurts. You are so smart to be getting away from it now.
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Old 04-14-2011, 08:39 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Thank you

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Hi,
I'm about your age, a bit older, and have two young daughters (3 and 5) with a man who sounds so so similar to your xBF. My summarized story below is being provided to show you what you're missing. When you are sad and missing your bf, remind yourself of the bullets below that you've dodge...

I saw all the red flags you describe seeing but unlike you who exercised incredible strength to break something off that was incredibly damaging and unhealthy for you, I stuck around. I've been married for 8 yrs, my career has taken a nose dive in part bc of the emotional energy that goes into my unhealthy relationship and takes energy away from my job, my health is very poor (I was hospitalized this weekend for observation bc of some irregular heart beat and bloodpressure issues), our D's are in therapy and my 5 yr old has NO self esteem. My H has taken all our savings and spent it on booze and "toys" for himself.

Like you I have a terrible r/s with my own mom and early on in my r/s with my AH (when he was my non committal "bf") I sometimes wondered if I loved him or his mother more. She was like the mom I never had. I got sucked into the family system and thought I was loved. You are leaving in time to avoid what comes next: his mom would inevitably have turned on you when you stopped enabling her son or when you expressed to her that you were concerned about his behavior. I've found myself having lost not just a H but also his family who at one time I naively believed cared about me.

You are very very wise, strong and an inspiration. You are living proof that doing what is right and healthy means having to face pain and sadness head on. Unlike you, when I've been sad/missed my H etc... I've gone running back to the dysfunction rather than push through the pain.

Having brought kids into the equation has just made it that much harder and I wish I could go back to being where you are, seeing all the same warning signals and turned and ran away.

I think your plan to find a new place is a great idea and I can't recall if you said you've blocked him from texting you/emailing etc... but if you haven't, that might help?

Happy belated bday by the way... I think that part of your story really hit a nerve. I've been promised for years on bdays, mothers days, anniversaries, holidays etc... that my AH wants to plan and has things in the works for me and not a single time has any of it happened. I really never thought this was something anyone else had experienced and reading your story makes me wonder just how common this kind of emotionally abusive stuff is? Is it bc of alcoholism or is it that emotionally abusive persons tends to have addictions? Either way it really sucks that he led you to believe he'd do something for your bday and then pulled what he did. I;ve lived that for years and I know how much it hurts. You are so smart to be getting away from it now.
Wanttobehealthy-your whole post was a blessing to me. thank youfor sharing your experience...u r an inspiration to because at least u c what is going on in your life and to your family...even if you only come here to sr u can c and realize what is going on and maybe work to change things.

my dad ...rip...told me once that 'u cant go around your problems..u have to go THROUGH them...and i never forgot that...i learned that at about 19 and have adopted it as part of my life philosophy...whenever i have problems i am always conscious of how i can not avoid them but just brace myself to go through whatever is to come...that way i know i dont have to suffer on the back end...may as well face the pain up front and get it over with...anymore..when i know its coming i -in my mind-press my chin up to the door of my problem almost welcoming it tocome because i know that once its over ill be stronger and ill be able to help someone else who faces a similar challenge. ithink thats what problems are there for i think if you overcome something really hard its ultimately so u can help someone else out who may also be suffering...c that they be get through it too.

so thx i really appreciated your story...u r strong too...prob stronger than u think...i mostly hope things can improve for your daughters because they deserve the best u can offer them...so take care of yourself so u can give ur best to them...
:ghug3
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Old 04-14-2011, 08:57 AM
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Honey you are a smart girl. Read your own post carefully.

You know what to do. Move. Get away from this guy. Get a sober boyfriend. You deserve better treatment.
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Old 04-14-2011, 09:17 AM
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You can't go around your problems, you have to go THROUGH them....I like that. Your dad was a wise man... Good luck, God bless and keep on trucking!!
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Old 04-14-2011, 08:35 PM
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I think most of us see problems pretty early on with our AH's and try to justify them or think they will get better because we are so "in love". Looking back, my AH did some things very early on in our relationship that if I hadn't been 22 and completely inexperienced with guys, I don't think I would have accepted. I wish I had heeded those red flags!
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Old 04-24-2011, 07:26 PM
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Just an update:

Well, I found a place to share with 2 other women-one of them is a student at my college....its less expensive but Im nervous about telling my 'host mom' here. Why? because shes so attached to me and emotional...I know that the minute I tell her its gonna get weird and stressful...and Im gonna have to hear about it EVERY DAY up until I leave ...I wanted to give her a months notice but it'll have to be 3 weeks instead...i needed to be sure things were gonna work out at the new place. Drats! I need the next 2 weeks to be calm as I have final exams etc to prepare for. I planned to tell her tomorrow but just thinking about moving again makes me so anxious I just feel paralyzed...I need to buy a mattress and some kind of makeshift bureaus for clothes since the place is unfurnished...where I am now has EVERYTHING.

I moved in with this family 8 months ago from another state so I could go back to college and now I have to uproot and move AGAIN...and move on to the next phase of my life in this new town...new living situation with new people. Lots to think about. Can you spell o-v-e-r-w-h-e-l-m-e-d?

I want to be out on the 15 of next month...one of the women at the new place is allergic to cats ...host mom loves animals and is super attached to my cats...i want to ask her if shell be willing to keep my cats through the summer.

For the record I havent spoken to her son and she doesnt bring him up much. I know its crazy but i stil think about him every. day. I'm even seeing someone else so that makes it super annoying! I know it will be good for me to be in a new environment..ive outgrown this situation.

I had to write here cuz I am feeling SUPER STRESSED OUT!

ok thats all for now!
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Old 04-24-2011, 07:46 PM
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Deep breaths. You can do this. And I'm glad you've found a place and are moving out. (((hugs))) That sounds like a good way to get away from all of it.
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Old 04-24-2011, 09:01 PM
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I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!

I told her i'm leaving and she said she'll watch my cats!

OMG! I was soooooo stressed out about having that conversation but I did it!

where is the happy dance icon???
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Old 04-24-2011, 09:38 PM
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Yay! Congratulations!
I am so glad it's working out for you.
And congratulations on the new apartment arrangements!
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Old 04-24-2011, 09:39 PM
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Grrrr...

Grrr...now her husband decided they DONT want to keep the cats for the summer. Grrr.....gotta figure out the next step.

soooo stressful!

Now i just really want to get away from this family...cats or no cats!
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