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Alcoholic Wife Back Home

Old 02-11-2011, 07:58 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Red Baron - I understand your fears about the custody issue...they most certainly can't be alone with her without supervision, but I agree that you need to seek legal advice immediately to determine your options. Sounds like it won't be hard to prove that there are severe issues here...she's been to treatment, the kids themselves are intimately aware of the problem...can you film her? Keep receipts? Anything else you can think of to gather as evidence? Hopefully an attorney can set you on a course of action that you can implement asap. Another thought I had earlier (in that it seems your financial situation is better than ok???), can you put her up in one of your houses and you guys live in the other, or does she just keep following you around? Also, could you have the kids cared for in another location other than your home? I guess I'm wondering what's stopping her from just sending the nanny home and staying with them herself? Of course, I guess she could just as easily go pick them up from somewhere else too...she is still the parent...
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Old 02-11-2011, 08:46 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Red Baron, my friend...

Smacked has a depth and breadth of this experience you are rapidly approaching on this topic. You may not like what she has to say, and it may hurt, but your "try being a man" excuse is BS.

I am a man. I've been one for 45 years. I lived through what you are living through. Here's what I lost in my divorce: money and possessions. Here's what I lost by waiting to do it for so long: my daughter and 12 years of my life. Here's what my daughter lost: the ability to have healthy relationships with other people.

Guess which one of these things has been the easiest to get back? Guess which ones I'll never get back? And guess which one I have to let go of?

So, be defensive if you want, or by honest with yourself, acknowledge what you already know, and as painful and terrifying as it is, do what you already know you have to do. If not for you, then for your children.

I was naive, righteous, selfish, and afraid. If you are any of those things, let them go and do the right thing.

I, too, will back out of this thread now.

Take care and good luck.

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by RedBaron View Post
The reality is that she's broken every boundary that I've ever set, and she'll just break them again. So what it really comes down to is whether I want to roll the dice on a divorce. And, as I said in the earlier thread, I'm playing for some big stakes there. I say no reeking of booze; she comes home reeking, and I obviously can't throw her out of what is after all her own house without a court order; so off I go to court, she comes up with some abusive husband rubbish with the help of a slick attorney, and I am the one out of the house and the kids are stuck with her and her drinking. Yeah, the court ougth to find in my favor, but like I say, it's a hell of a roll.

As to Ms. "You're Just as Guilty" you should try being a man in this situation and seeing what your options are. If I were a woman, this would have been resolved in my favor years ago. I would have thrown my spouse out, divorced them and be living off the half of the assets with certain custody of the kids. But it doesn't work like that for a guy. And no amount of self-righteousness will change that.
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Old 02-12-2011, 12:11 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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So this is where we're at: She keeps me up until 1:30am going on and on about all this stuff and how I need to change if our marriage is to work, and how as part of her 4th step or something she's going to have to make a list of all the resentments she has against me and gid rid of them if she's going to be better.
She hasn't completed step 1 if she is still drinking. It sounds like she is floating around the AA program and is interested in some of the concepts, but is not really working it.
If she had completed step 1, and it is the step that must be completed 100%, she wouldn't still be drinking.

Maybe AA is not working for her. That's fine: there are other options.

You seem to be economically stable: is rehab an option? It sounds like she is trying, but simply not trying enough, or, not finding a program that works.
I have never heard anyone say that rehab was not a good experience for them, I have heard nothing but good things about it.
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Old 02-12-2011, 06:33 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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I'm just curious as to the reason why you have two breathalyzers? I would use the more expensive one for your random breathalyzers and be sure to use it first thing in the morning to catch her off guard.
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Old 02-12-2011, 06:37 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Breathalyzers are a BAD IDEA. Period.
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Old 02-12-2011, 06:54 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Breathalyzers are a BAD IDEA. Period.
What if the spouse has to take one as a stipulation for a supervised visit with the kids?
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Old 02-12-2011, 07:13 AM
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Not the situation here. Nevertheless, I think if that's the case it should be someone other than the spouse doing it. A neutral, mutually agreed upon party.
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Old 02-12-2011, 09:30 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by RedBaron View Post
The reality is that she's broken every boundary that I've ever set, and she'll just break them again.
She is breaking your boundaries a) because she's an active alcoholic and b) because you are letting her. You are showing her that there are no consequences for her actions.


Originally Posted by RedBaron View Post
So what it really comes down to is whether I want to roll the dice on a divorce. And, as I said in the earlier thread, I'm playing for some big stakes there. I say no reeking of booze; she comes home reeking, and I obviously can't throw her out of what is after all her own house without a court order; so off I go to court, she comes up with some abusive husband rubbish with the help of a slick attorney, and I am the one out of the house and the kids are stuck with her and her drinking. Yeah, the court ougth to find in my favor, but like I say, it's a hell of a roll.
RedBaron, I know you're afraid of losing custody, but before you do anything else, speak with a lawyer (and consult a few others to get a different opinion). I remember feeling the same fear that my XAH would get unsupervised visitation of our child, because where I live, fathers' rights are really pushed, and even supported by somewhat extreme human rights' groups. I honestly felt a lot better after getting some legal advice. Where I was concerned, my XAH's alcoholism was never proven, and neither was his abuse. Furthermore, his abuse was towards me and not our child, so he got granted unsupervised visitation for 3 hours a week. But, in the end, with the help of my lawyer, SR, counselling and PATIENCE, I won out on him by waiting. I also got sole physical custody because he was too lazy to come to court or to hire a lawyer.

Things CAN work out, but you'll never know if you don't give it a shot. Perhaps there is a way for you to ask for supervised visitation for your AW until she has proven herself to be sober for a certain amount of time. If at any time you have proof that she isn't, then you can enforce legal consequences.

I know it sucks to have to do this, but you are going to provide a SANE and healthy environment for your kids. Yes, you may have to navigate the trecherous waters of coparenting with an alcoholic x partner, but when you do, we will still be here to support you. You can also see about getting support from your AW's family as well as your own.

There are other options. You do not have to remain trapped and a hostage to your wife's addiction.
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Old 04-16-2012, 01:03 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Im in the same boat as RedBaron. Id like to hear a happy ending to stop crying.
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