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Old 02-09-2011, 08:59 PM
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I'm a newbie

Hi - I'm a newbie...well, actually, I've been lurking for a just a bit. I'm really sad tonight and just had to reach out into the cosmic void. My husband is what most people would call a functioning alcoholic, although I'm not sure alcoholics do much that I'd call functional. He was not an alcoholic when we married...he might have brought home a six-pack on a Friday night once or twice a month...I consider that reasonable social drinking. But over time, it slowly slipped up on us...maybe starting somewhere around the 4 year mark, and now we're at year 13. His MO has been to consume anywhere from 12 - 18 beers about five nights a week on average. He is an excellent provider, but other than that, he is pretty much detached from anything meaningful. Although he says he loves us and does not want to live without us, I'm not sure what he gets out of this situation that he cannot give up. Don't get me wrong...I love him, but I am just tired...exhausted really. He goes back and forth from acknowledging his problem and how it affects his life in every way...saying he'll get help if he can't quit on his own...to taking a couple of weeks off drinking and then saying he can control it and will only do it on weekends (or whatever the current acceptable frequency is in his mind). I go back and forth between feeling sorry for him and wanting to do an intervention, to just wanting to be done. In all honesty, as I try and decide what course of action to take, my main concern is the kids. They are oblivious to the problem...too young and he always drinks at night...you can't tell he's drunk anyway, except that he talks more (although lately he's taken to getting more angry). He has recently taken a job in another state b/c of course, that's going to make him happy and he won't need to drink anymore, although he's currently still drinking about three nights a week. So I'm thinking, now is the time to get out. He has left the state...I don't have to kick him out, and I also don't have to follow him there, leaving everything and everyone I know and love only to be in the same mess. I will most likely face bankruptcy, but I have plenty of support and will not go hungry or homeless, plus I'm smart The kids don't miss him b/c they didn't have anything meaningful with him to begin with...he was a non-factor. So when I say I'm concerned about the kids, it is more about whether they'd ever have to go see him without my supervision. Although I wonder if he'd actually pursue that...too lazy. I don't know what I'm asking for...maybe someone to tell me what I already know...I'm just sad...
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Old 02-09-2011, 09:14 PM
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I'm so sorry that you are sad right now. I think we have all been there where we feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. You said your husband is out of state? Use that time to focus on yourself and see what life is like without him. Take it day by day. You come first and then come your kids. I know in my situation my ex would tell me over and over and over again that he would cut back or quit, but to be honest he actually got worse the longer I stayed with him. Alcoholism is very progressive and you said he didnt drink much when you first got married and he's now drinking 5 nights a week. I think you can see the writing on the wall but its truly your choice if you want to stick around to see if it gets worse. My ex was also a functioning alcoholic-he did not drink much at all during the week but would go on binges every weekend and pass out. Its not a fun lifestyle to be around.
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Old 02-10-2011, 03:20 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

We are glad you found us, but I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

It's lonely being married to an alcoholic. They are more focused on whats at the bottom of the bottle than the family living around them.

I find encouragement, support and wisdom here and at Alanon meetings. I encourage you to read and post as much as needed. Some of our stories are posted in permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the forum pages. Here is one of my favorites:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 02-10-2011, 06:15 AM
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Welcome!!
Youhave no idea how much understanding and support is here for you!

it sounds like you ARE smart.
You can see what's next.
One step at a time. Keep caring for you and those kiddos.
This board is good for general encouragement or specific suggestions.
stick around!
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Old 02-10-2011, 06:59 AM
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(officially anyways!)

I'll say what I always do: talk to a few lawyers. Get informed and get organized. My XAH is also quite lazy and he quickly dropped a bunch of visitation because "the daycare is too far" or "I'm not feeling well (read: hung over", or "todays is a bad day". It's now been 9 months since he's seen our daughter. I assume that he'll eventually disappear.

It sounds like you already know what you want and that it'll be better for you and your children. AWESOME!
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