Another Rage Last Night ...

Old 02-10-2011, 09:58 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
DMC
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Why don't you move out when your mom does? You can say it's to "give him space" or whatever. But I'd also spring it on him at the last minute. I mean, if you're going to have movers there, or friends, or whoever will be helping your mom move, might be worth it to jump then.

The thought of being along with him is scaring me, and I don't even know him!
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Old 02-10-2011, 11:32 AM
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Still reading through this thread......wondering and worry about you! I hope you can get on and give us an update soon.
Be safe,
M
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Old 02-10-2011, 02:07 PM
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I'm so touched that everyone cares so much. I don't think in my whole life I have never felt such compassion. PLEASE do not worry about me. I've been going through this for almost 15 years and other than my emotional deterioration, I'm still intact.

I thank you all for your suggestions and advice. It means the world to me and I will heed them as I go through this. I'm still thinking things through and because I don't have a clear head today (from not sleeping well), I don't want to make a decision today.

I'm processing everything and since my family won't be leaving for 2 weeks I have a little bit of time to think on this. I didn't call DV today, but likely will tomorrow. I will not be scared until I start this process and when I do, I will be on this site every moment I can.

For all of your concern, the least I can do is to keep you updated, which I promise to do. Everyone on this site has helped me more than any help I've ever received, just by listening and being here. I can't thank you enough for that. I'll keep you posted on my plans and decisions and in the meantime I will not rock any boats with ABF, and I know I'll be fine.

As an afterthought, I should mention that ABF's second wife left him 'out of the blue' after 2 years together. He was blown away. Told everyone he was a model husband and could not understand why this could have happened. He milked being the victim, and perhaps he was - I'll never personally know. I know that he was no angel, but I do know that she had several affairs and moved away with her job to be with one of these men. It took him years to get over it, and may have been the beginning of his heavy drinking (I know he always drank though - alcoholism runs in his family on both sides). I believe that if I were to do the same to him, it might take him over the edge. This is why I believe he's so worried about how it may be done and therefore it's all the more reason why I want him to 'believe' it's his decision. I cannot control him, but I may be able to work it for him to agree.

Thanks again,

TTS
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Old 02-10-2011, 02:35 PM
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"I believe that if I were to do the same to him, it might take him over the edge. "

Tryin, whether or not he goes over the edge is his responsibility--not yours.

What you need to do is take care of yourself first and foremost, and sounds like staying with him is NOT keeping yourself safe.

Best to you!

Kudzujean
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Old 02-10-2011, 03:55 PM
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Please start at least taking the steps so if you have to flee on short notice, you're ready. The DV counselor can help you with safety planning. There are checklists--copying the important paperwork, leeping an overnight bag with essentials at the home of a trusted friend, having a cell phone on you at all times with 911 programmed on speed dial, putting a spare car key and a few dollars in a hidden place by the door or right outside so you can grab it if you have to, etc.

The others are right--he is using your family as an excuse for his drunken rages, which will continue the first time you do something that displeases him. It is scary to think of what might happen when you are alone with him and he knows there are no witnesses or anyone to interfere.

I'm glad you are planning to stay in touch with us. Swear to yourself you will make that call tomorrow.
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Old 02-10-2011, 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted by tryintosmile View Post

As an afterthought, I should mention that ABF's second wife left him 'out of the blue' after 2 years together. He was blown away. Told everyone he was a model husband and could not understand why this could have happened. He milked being the victim, and perhaps he was - I'll never personally know. I know that he was no angel, but I do know that she had several affairs and moved away with her job to be with one of these men. It took him years to get over it, and may have been the beginning of his heavy drinking (I know he always drank though - alcoholism runs in his family on both sides). I believe that if I were to do the same to him, it might take him over the edge. This is why I believe he's so worried about how it may be done and therefore it's all the more reason why I want him to 'believe' it's his decision. I cannot control him, but I may be able to work it for him to agree.

Thanks again,

TTS
I understand what you are saying here... but I also would love for you to have as much caring and compassion for yourself as you have for him. You can justify and make all the excuses in the world for his behavior but the bottom line is that you are hurting badly and your sense of "self" is getting so lost in the turmoil. Everything is all about him. What about you?
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Old 02-11-2011, 06:39 AM
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How are YOU today tryintosmile?
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Old 02-11-2011, 07:59 AM
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Nothing changes if nothing changes. Addicts will always find another excuse to use and to point the finger and blame someone else for anything and everything that goes wrong in their lives and it's usually the first person they see in front of them. I once knew Jekyll and Hyde too. But not anymore. I am free. I hope you are safe and sound.

Peace,
Jen
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Old 02-11-2011, 08:45 AM
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Hi TTS - just thought I'd let you know I'm thinking about you today (((Hugs)))
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:11 AM
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Wow. Your story sounds familiar...maybe without such rage but certainly with the blame and lack of acknowledgment and the Dr.Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing. Day in, day out. Promises made, never kept. Apologies full of empty sincerity. Boundaries set and not held firm. Threats made and not carried through. Wash, rinse, repeat. The cycle is there, good for you for beginning to remain objective enough to see the cycle. It's called alcoholism and its not going to change until he changes. Or you break it.

This is going to be very hard on you. I am living it now. Each day brings forth new emotions and new challenges, and note that I say challenges and not barriers! At least now I come home to peace and serenity and I am no longer a bulls-eye for his BS. And I am beginning to let myself 'see' a future without him and it looks promising. Scary as all get out, but still promising!

Here's something I read recently that I've since committed to memory. Hope maybe it might stick with you, too.

"You will need to be in touch with your common sense, lest you be drawn off course by comfortable, insufficient solutions to problems that require clear thinking, bold action, and a willingness to confront adversity"

Wishing this for you today. Be strong and have faith in yourself. Take good care.
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:58 AM
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We did our own seperation agreement 50/50 and the divorce was only $400. Sell the house and split it 50/50. Just write it fair. Several lawyers talked to me free. I got a couple of books out of the library on divorce laws for my state. 1 inch of the football field at a time.....but I got out first. Emotional abuse is damaging. They can get nasty so watch the money. My X took all the $ out of our joint acct. and cleaned me out for a brief time. They can get pretty crazy. It will be so much better for your family. It isn't the change that is hard but the resistance to the change.
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Old 02-21-2011, 04:08 AM
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thinking of you today Tryin' hope you are OK
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Old 02-21-2011, 08:17 AM
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Fear of revenge is something real that I understand. My XAABF and I did the cycle of break up and make up quite a number of times. Even with a protective order he did still manage to stalk and terrorize me in a number of ingenious ways. I would never feel safe and I would never be safe living within a 150 mile radius of that man. I moved a long way away. It took a few weeks but one day I was walking down the street and realized "no one knows me here!"..the utter freedom was delicious. My step grew lighter, my smile became real and I knew that my freedom was priceless and I would never return to that kind of life and fear again.
I could begin the process of re-discovering myself completely apart of his interpretations and influence.
I dang near danced in the street!!
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