tjp613

I understand the fear you are talking about and you are very smart to make an appointment with the DV counselor. Please tell them it's an emergency and you need counseling ASAP.

Did you review the DV safety plan I posted for you before (maybe in another thread)? Do you keep your phone with you AT ALL TIMES? Have you worked out some kind of signal or code word with your family or other neighbors so that they will call 911 if they hear the code word? Do you have an emergency bag packed including copies all of your important papers and your social security card?

Please review this safety plan again http://apps.americanbar.org/tips/pub...vice/DVENG.pdf

tryintosmile

Thanks for reminding me. I did read that but am so caught up with this that sometimes I can't take in everything as I should. I must understand that as long as I allow him to have control, then I don't have as much to be fearful for. If I make a plan to leave and carry it through - I HAVE A LOT TO BE FEARFUL FOR and must take these emergency measures.

tryintosmile

Yes - my wise mother is right and this was one more rage. It made me understand that no matter how many times I could tell him sober that I will not stand for this anymore - Mr. Hyde doesn't hear me. I have to ACCEPT that he never will. Poor Dr. Jekyll can never quite understand why I have to do this, but that is part of the illness, and it is only he who can stop his own insanity and become whole.

tallulah

OK.. you gave him your boundary, he crossed it. Time to follow through. This is progressive, it will not get better and the cycle will continue.. until one of you breaks it (and he is unwilling and/or unable).

I'm not going to lie to you.. every bit of DV info and my own experiences show that this point (the leaving part) is the most dangerous time.. so you need to get help to leave safely. It's number 1 priority. I hope you reach out to that DV organisation tomorrow.

You're in my thoughts.. *hugs*

Tx

theuncertainty

Be safe, Tryintosmile. Big hugs. Please remember that you've told him the boundary. If he understands that you're serious this time, you really need to be on guard now.
Take care. Wishing you continued strength, peace and safety. Love.

zrx1200R

There is no hope for them to change. They can not change. Your only hope is to move on, and take care of yourself.

You can not reason with someone unreasonable.

You can not debate with someone who is not bound by the truth.

You can't "make" them do anything.

LexieCat

Two thoughts:

I second the importance of the safety planning. Please do that, and be careful and safe.

Second, the time for bargaining is over. He will more than likely give you some more empty promises, saying that now that he knows you mean it, he will change. Don't fall for it. If you get free, and get safe, and THEN he recovers (and stays recovered, for a long time--say a year, at least) you can always reconsider if you feel it is in YOUR best interest. If you work on your own recovery for that amount of time, you will know whether it IS in your best interest.

tryintosmile

OMHP (oh my higher power) - please help me to deal with this!

My mother has made a decision to move 5 hours away to live with my stepdad's sister. She is not well, herself, and owns a nice house in the country. Now, I won't be with my mother in what may likely be her last months. The A will be doing the happy dance, and now I'm REALLY ALONE in all of this! He will love that the last of my support system is leaving, as well. He's getting his wish. To have me here all alone, and to make sure that I am alone. Complete control? Nice. He doesn't want me to have any support and he KNOWS this will make my decision to leave harder.

My sister lives in the city and would be supportive if she weren't so needy herself. She lives with a man who is pretty bad too (almost as bad as the A - and he doesn't work). She is always struggling - but won't leave that relationship either, because of 2 young kids.

I don't know now. I need time to process this. It must be meant to happen, that I'm meant to be TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY ALONE. I can't stop

tjp613

I'm glad you understand this very important point.

I'm not telling you what to do, but I am saying that if you are serious about leaving this is what is normally recommended:

• Most Importantly DO NOT tell him of your plans, DO NOT tell him you are seeing a DV counselor.
• Do not allow him to hear any conversations over the telephone having to do with leaving, renting an apartment, talking to lawyers, etc.
• Do not confront him at all or even hint that you are leaving
• Do not engage in arguments, especially when he is drunk
• This is the time to keep things as calm and peaceful as you can.

Focus on these things AND make that appointment with the DV counselor. Leave the lawyers for later. (Besides, the DV counselor will have lots of info for you about your rights in a divorce.) Leave ALL other details and worries for later. Allow your DV counselor to walk you thru and support you thru the steps needed in your particular situation. This is their specialty. You ARE NOT ALONE.

Call them TODAY.

((((((Hugs))))))) Above all...be safe.

tjp613

tryin - we posted at the same time. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This is actually not all bad news about your mother from a practical viewpoint. Think of it this way: Without that worry, you are able to leave immediately. You could be in a DV shelter TODAY if you want and be free of him forever. After the heat is off, you can go to be with your mother or at least be free to visit her whenever you want.

PLEASE carry through with your plan to see a DV counselor today. Your worries will be cut in half by sharing them with a trained counselor. THEY WILL HELP YOU.

suki44883

Good for mom!! She did the proactive thing and made a decision to get out. She is to be applauded!

You can do the same thing! In a way, this makes things so much easier for you. You don't have to worry about mom and can concentrate on taking care of you! Please follow the advice given and contact a DV shelter and start making arrangements for your own escape. They can help you get out safely and can arrange for you to get your things with police protection.

You can do this and you are NOT alone! You can always make arrangements to move close to where you mom is going so you can continue to be close to her.

FindingPeace1

#1 you're not alone because virtual support matters and you have mom AND us
#2 nothing matters as much as you and your sanity so go when she goes. You can get out, too!

nodaybut2day

Tryingtosmile...YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We are here with. We'll be here as you leave. And we'll be here when you've left.

I check in on SR about...15 times a day to see if you're posted.

In a sense, your mother moving away liberates you from one burden. You can now focus solely on getting yourself the heck out of there.

Like tpj said, you can get out of there TODAY if you want. You can call a DV shelter, explain your situation and see what options they can offer you. They may be able to find you a place in a shelter far away from him.

Have you started stashing away some of your important paperwork and some money? You can buy yourself gift cards to some grocery stores and pharmacies, so that there's no money on you to be taken away.

Keep your head down, do not confront him or tell him what you are up to. The period when the victim attempts to leave the abuser is a very dangerous one; abusers can turn dangerous as they realize that the object of their control will no longer be theirs.

Please keep us updated if you can.

tryintosmile

Oh gosh - I'm afraid I've lost the nerve and verve to even attempt this now. I'm going to be honest here. We've always had either his family (kids when they were younger) and my family (renting from us) enmeshed in our relationship. I'm not justifying anything he's done and may never be able to forgive and forget - no matter what happens from here on in BUT I have to admit that I'm finding myself curious about whether or not he COULD make good on the fact that since all of these people have bothered him all of these years and he's never had privacy, this could be the trigger to make him stop the anger and drinking.

Okay - I know that sounds crazy, but if he were to start relaxing he could become nicer to live with, especially if he stops feeling the stress to drink. ON THE OTHER HAND, if I were alone with him and he got into a rage, I might be more likely to call 911 because I would be alone with him. This would also give me the out that I'm looking for and he'd have to accept. One thing about him is that because he's an extreme controller, I'd be better off to find a way for HIM to decide he wants ME to go, than the other way around. Life would be SO much easier if we could do this in agreement. I mean it would be the difference in everything.

I know - I don't have to allow him to accept my leaving, but I need everyone to know that I'm VERY scared to leave him without his knowledge. This would be the ultimate betrayal that could send him into major revenge mode or even to turn it inward, and I don't worry it would be physical. He's capable of exacting covert revenge in many different ways if he so chooses. I can't even imagine how 'creative' he could get.

Oh I don't know. I'm too confused right now, but I will call the DV for an appointment, regardless, and hope they'll be able to put me on track.

Thanks so much to all of you who care. You've helped me get further than I've ever been and will get me through this. I know I need to get the mental clarity I don't think I have right now.

suki44883

You sound absolutely terrified of this man. Since that appears to be the case, it's very unlikely you will take steps to remove yourself from this abusive situation until something really terrible happens. It's sad, but that's how it is sometimes. You need clarity and distance to make the right decisions, but you won't have that clarity because you won't leave. Unfortunately, you are going to be alone with this man and I truly fear for your safety.

StarCat

I'd just like to point out that abusive people are abusive, whether or not they are drinking.
Even if he stops drinking, there's still that "other side" of him you're going to have to deal with.

I do understand your reasons for wanting him to come up with his own reasons to want you gone...
Please, though, please just do the "next right thing." Follow through with DV, and I strongly encourage you to push them and say it's an emergency, because you will be alone with this man now.


Take care of yourself, tryintosmile. We all care about you here, and can't wait for when your smile finally comes.

nodaybut2day

Tryintosmile, please take the time to read this Classic sticky...Alcoholics will find ANY excuse to drink (my family is stressing me, my work is stressing me, I'm not getting enough play, the house is messy, no one understands me, the mail didn't come in today, the sky is blue,...ANYTHING).
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lics-make.html

I also lived with a controlling, paranoid, and abusive alcoholic. I understand fully what you're trying to say. HOWEVER, you may wait *years* for the right moment or opportunity to come...during that time, he may beat, injure or kill you.

Yes, I agree that abusers will often thrash about when they realize that their victims are slipping out of their reach, but eventually, what happens (and this is sad) is that they go find someone else to abuse, because they don't know any other way to interact with people.

Until that "eventually" happens, you play it safe, keep to NO CONTACT and work on your recovery in a sane and safe environment.

Again, I understand completely. My XAH is an ex convict and a very "special" kind of sociopath, as many SR members will attest. What I did was plan ahead, hiding my documents at work, speaking to lawyers while I was at work or away from XAH, gathered support from my family and friends, arranged with my landlord to have the lease reassigned to XAH, transfered all utilities to him as well,...and then I lept. One Saturday when XAH was out of the house, my parents, uncle and neighbours showed up with two mini vans and a car...we loaded up garbage bags with clothing and toys for the baby, a mattress, a chair, an old cabinet and a few boxes. In 90 minutes, I was out of there.

After I left, I started to deal with the new relationship XAH and I had. Because we had a child together, we had to talk. If you and your partner do not, then you can just cut off all contact and let him cool his heels.

He will get angry. He will make wild threats. He will do stupid stuff. And you will be there, recording every thing, so that if need be, you can get a restraining order against him.

Let us know what happens when you call the DV people.

stella27

Are you saying that you believe external factors like lack of privacy and stress at work cause or excuse raging?

Do you rage when you are under stress? Do you yell, scream, abuse, belittle, insult, demand, and interrogate?

No. That is what abusers do, and when he can't blame your family, he will only have YOU to blame.

Think, tts, think.

kptsj

I let my AH convince me that it was my fault when he physically attacked our adult son. Nothing that you or your family does or have done can be an excuse for his behavior. It took me awhile to get that.
Make your plans and keep them secret. We are here for you. This site has saved my sanity and helped me regain my sense.
Do not let yourself get dragged back into his life. Please get out and stay out.

tallulah

There is no excuse whatsoever for abusing your partner. No matter how many drinks he has had, how crappy his day has been, how much he hates himself and/or his life.. NO EXCUSE.

You can make as many excuses as you like for his behaviour, but not one of us is going to buy them. Why? Because we know that this behaviour.. his behaviour.. is inexcusable.

There are a number of outcomes to this: he gets help for his abusive nature and changes; you get help and leave, safely; he continues to be abusive and you allow yourself to remain a hostage and miserable for the rest of your life; one of you leaves in a body bag (statistics point to the likelihood of this being you).

It is that stark.

You cannot rely on your partner having any kind of epiphany sometime soon (and let me tell you, when I asked my DV counsellor what the chances of my ex getting 'better' she said that instances of that were rare).

So the epiphany has to come from you. You said you knew this was crazy.. how crazy does it have to get before you see what we see. What's the final line for you? Not that line you put in the sand and let him walk over, just to make another line knowing you'd allow him to walk over it again.. but the FINAL line.

Tx