Redheadsusie

Has anyone found that when you finally left your A that friends don't know how to handle it and they don't want to hear about your struggles. Makes me think they are not my friends at all and it hurts. Maybe I should just leave the area and say screw it but how can they not know what a hard decision this was. This was not suddedn - this is self preservation ! They were there when he was hammered all the time and he cursed at me etc etc. I don't want people to take sides but how about a little support from my friends. Oh well.............I am just pissy..

Pelican

I'm sorry you aren't feeling supported by your friends. That hurts.

We understand. We support you.

I found Alanon meetings a great relief and help. They understood and they also gave me sober hugs everytime I needed one!

nodaybut2day

oh Redheadsuzie...I'm so sorry.

Your friends only saw the outside of that marriage and didn't know what was really going on. Perhaps it makes it easier for them to judge and deny.

I think you're right though...they may not have been friends to begin with.

Trust yourself. You made the right choice.

And yeah, we understand you. We support your decision.

stella27

I am so sorry. I have found that mutual friends were really hit hard by my divorce. Some went with him, some came with me, but mostly I tried not to put them in an awkward position by making them hear all the details.

Your girlfriends who belong to YOU, but not your AH, and a counselor are your best allies at this time.

It really does suck, and I am so sorry.

KellyBelly

That really sucks. I'm not sure if it makes people uncomfortable or what the story is! ? I think that sometimes upsetting the status quo makes them nervous. Maybe talking to someone at an Alanon meeting or a therapist and talking about it would do a world of good. I've been in a similar situation before and I found that my friends didn't seem to 'get it' either. Good luck and know that we support you

StarCat

I found it easiest to cut off contact with the mutual friends for now.

Considering he pretty much isolated me from all my real friends, that means I was left basically alone, but I started reaching out to my friends from before (who I tell what's going on), and my family (who has no idea yet, and I like it that way).
I was never one to make a lot of friends in the first place (I'm a very friendly but private person) so I know my personal friends won't "shut me out" when I need to vent, as long as I also know when to "shut up" because I've already worn out their eardrums. (We'd been through a lot together before already, on both sides of the fence).

That said, I learned very early on regarding the mutual friends, there are some I really cannot rely upon, so I am not going to pursue that relationship, even though it hurts.
Then there are others who understand addiction, and in many cases recovered from addictions of their own. Little by little I am starting to recognize these people and reconnect with them.

People who don't understand addiction CANNOT understand what we're going through, and many times they don't even try. It's a shame, and it hurts... At the end of the day, though, it's their loss. They're choosing to stay on the dysfunctional side.

PurpleWilder

Many time friends don't want to hear about your marital troubles because they may hit all too close to home. Seeing your marriage come apart may be a stark reminder of all the issues they have in their own. That doesn't, however, excuse anyone who subjects you to anything abusive, intrusive or rude. There is a difference between a lack of courtesy and outright rudeness.

As I once read, "Those who matter, get it; those that don't get it, don't matter." A bit harsh, but I think the point is that this is an intensely private matter that plays out in public and, in the end, you have to do what is best for yourself without regard to what others think. Stay strong.

Shellcrusher

Sorry to hear that, redheadsusie.
I've fired a few friends due to similar things.
We're here and we get it and we can give digital hugs.

Redsquirrel makes a good point too.

wicked

heheheheh, better check that color adjustment on your screen shellcrusher.
i wish i had one of those big machines, just go and make a big mess somewhere.
dig a hole, fill it up. yep.

redheadsusie,

the american marriage is a funny institution.
We americans love the idea, but not the work required to make a go of it.
I think the latest is over 50% of marriages fail.
Add alcoholism to that.
People like to eat sausage, but dont want to know how it is made.
some of your "friends" do not see you as a single individual who has been thru hell and back, they see you as half of a fallen marriage.
Find some new friends, do not waste your hard learned lessons and your loyalty to a friendship on these people.
Make someone earn your trust and faith.

Beth

Shellcrusher

Yes. Odd. I feel like I'm making a mess today for sure. Digging deep holes for myself. I can't even keep my colors straight.

Redheadsusie

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. Today was wicked sad. It is the 1 year anniversary of my Mom's passing too so i went to visit her and took her flowers and stayed there a long while to talk to someone who supports me and because I was crying sohard I could not drive. The aloneness I am feeling is palpable. I am hopeful tomorrow will be better and again i am so grateful for you here. I would be lost without having support of others who understand what I am going through. I don't wish this pain on anyone. I am going to love on my Greyhound. I am blessed. :-)

zrx1200R

Yes. Most friends are "fair weather friends". They ask how you are doing, but they don't really want to know. Especially mutual friends. They are torn between which side to take. So I choose not to put them in a place where they have to choose. And I don't talk to them.

People that haven't lived with what we endure are ill equipped to hear of the difficulties. A very few true friends, if you are lucky enough to have one or two, will be able to listen and be there for you. I call these friends "kidney friends". As in I would give them a kidney if they needed one. Currently that list numbers 2. And that may be twice as many as most people have.

If they aren't "kidney friends", then they don't hear what is really going on. All discussions will be polite, non specific, and limited in personal information.

Learn2Live

People who are supportive are what I would (now) call "friends." People who are not supportive, IME, are opportunists, along for the fun. They are not "friends." Since getting sober, and starting Recovery, I have had to re-define many things, including the word "friend." I've left MANY people behind as I move forward in my life.

Tuffgirl

I've been separated for 45 days - and I have not heard from any friends or my own siblings and certainly not the RAH's family. It's been so strangely quiet that occasionally I wonder if anyone ever really gave a rat's behind about me?!

But on the other hand, I don't have time nor the wherewithal to talk about this with people who don't understand and can't fathom what its like. So I keep it for my SR and Al-Anon friends. Simple enough.

Sorry about your pain - I still have my Mom and she's been the only person who has stood next to me through this. You're in my prayers for a better day tomorrow.

TakingCharge999

Ohh that hurts a lot .. I made the same realization. How could they still talk and go out with him after knowing or witnessing the alcohol and the verbal abuse? I went No Contact with them as well. I got 5,6 people I can truly trust and really love me. That is enough. It seems that you are losing friendships, but you are gaining insight about who you want to hang around with and that is priceless.

In my codependency I realize I usually went along with anyone who picked ME, but I never picked others first. So choosing who I call and who I share with and who I spend time with is also part of my empowerment and recovery. HUGS!!

Cyranoak

Or, they just don't know how to properly respond. Or, they sense drama (rightfully or not) and don't want to be a part of it. Or, they feel guilty. Or, or, or.

It doesn't matter. In my view, part of my disease is needing validation from others, needing them to be on my side, or needing them to understand my position. Being released from that through my work in Al-Anon has been a very beautiful thing for me.

It's also, oddly enough, made the "my friends aren't supporting me and/or don't understand what I 'm going through" dynamic disappear.

Funny that.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

Learn2Live

It's weird how I look back now at all the PROBLEMS of my past lives and realize, my gosh, I CREATED the problems from the way I used to think. Serenity is strange sometimes.

Redheadsusie

Gosh- You guys are smart truly. Again- Thank you for your wisdom- I learn every time I come on here. I am grateful and blessed to have you~