It isn't my fault it is...

Old 02-08-2011, 07:20 PM
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It isn't my fault it is...

Always the victim...My STBXAH is the victim of everything in life. It is his parents "fault" he went to school and has loan debt (actually HE wanted to go to school and they encouraged him and then gave him a free place to stay so he could pay his debts). It is my fault he doesn't have a good job because I wanted to be near family (actually HE took a job offer here and HE had other options). It is my fault he can't fix his life because I left (HE couldn't fix it when I was there). are getting the pattern. Everything bad in his life is out of his hands, even his emotions are out of his control. He doesn't have any power in anything in life and can't do anything. He is always the special circumstance I have heard this is a common thing with A' this something you all have experienced?
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Old 02-08-2011, 07:30 PM
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Absolutely I have experienced all that with multiple people who are alcoholic and/or addicted. I hate being someone else's scapegoat and I refuse to allow into my life anyone who attempts to use me this way in order to continue their sick thinking and sick behavior. That is some toxic stuff right there.
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Old 02-08-2011, 08:41 PM
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Yes that was absolutely my experience with my xah. I think alcoholism must exacerbate this a lot but maybe it is sort of a personality trait as well.

I have a brother like that (not an addict)...and one of my kids has a similar approach to life. :sigh:

Perhaps this approach to life makes one a little more suseptable to getting lost in an addiction. That lack of feeling power, not feeling like you have the ability to change your life. The addiction increases it because it is a great excuse as well

The closest I felt to that was when I was staying with my xah when I did not want to. Even then I was clear in my head I was making a choice - it was just a choice I didn't want and I wasn't allowing myself any other options. I didn't doubt that I couldn't change it if I decided to though. I can't wrap my brain around not feeling that personal power to affect your life.
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Old 02-09-2011, 04:26 AM
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You are not alone!

I recognized two typical behaviors in your post:

blame-shifting, you are the reason why __________________
Terminal uniqueness, "if you only knew the trouble I've had, you'd drink too"

Nope. Not accepting that BS anymore!

This quote was taken from an AA site regarding Terminal uniqueness:

"Terminal uniqueness has its roots in addictive thinking, that voice that keeps us drinking or using; sure that no one understands us. It's a voice that protects the addiction, part of denial – a voice that never leads anywhere good."

Last edited by Pelican; 02-09-2011 at 04:31 AM. Reason: adding quote
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Old 02-09-2011, 04:36 AM
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Terminally uniqueness was me to a T as long as I was drinking and drugging. It wasn't until i got sober that it all turned around -- forty years later -- and as soon as the fog began to clear I realized it wasn't life, it was me.

Shoot, I've been sober for five months and I still ride the self-pity train, but I'm learning. "The only thing wrong in my life are the people in it." Then I got clean and looked in the mirror.
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