CircleInTheSea

Having a bum couple of weeks. AH has been sober now for 6 months. We're struggling financially (making all the regular bills and able to pay for food, but unable to pay for hospital bills or extras...) and I'm just so tired of waiting for 'when things get better'. I know this shall pass, but I've been hearing that 'things will get better' for the past decade. We could sell our house and downsize, but AH does not want to do this. He says he knows he needs to get a different job that will pay more....but doesn't do much about it. I could get another job, but honestly, I really like the one I have as it pays decently, has benefits, and I see my kids regularly. My old career was restaurant management, a codie NIGHTMARE!!(...or dream, depending on how you look at it I guess....all the 'this place will fall apart if I don't do X' pressure & then euphoria after 'being such a vital team member'...blah!....) and I honestly don't believe that I have the strength within me yet to tackle that sort of people pleasing job without getting walked all over. I told myself I would give it six months before making any big decisions regarding whether I was still happy with AH. I have read a couple of threads recently that suggest waiting a year after sobriety before making big decisions. I don't know if I have another 6 months left in me. I don't really believe that AH will get a job that pays him enough. I don't want to come off as materialistic, but I'd like to not stress every time I swipe the bank card, or worry about every single penny, or how I can't pay for grad school and therefore, can't move up in my field. Every time I bring this up, he says I'm just selfish or that he knows he needs to do more financially. I guess I just feel stuck right now and want to know that it really will pass.

barb dwyer

no answers. just a hug.

theuncertainty

Hugs, fellow knitter. I am definitely not trying to negate the thought that 6 months is a long time to wait. I know it feels like forever sometimes. Getting through my recent... stuff ... and hearing the attorney say that it may take a year, or longer. OMG I can't. I Can't. I CAN'T. OK, they were wrong; it went a lot faster than they thought, but still plenty long enough. And truly, it's not done yet. I didn't get through a year. I got through one day at a time. 1/2 a day at a time. 5 minutes at a time. Sometimes 1 minute at a time....

I don't have to get through this next year; I just have to make it through .... Now... (I kind of hope I'm reading what I'm typing...)

Now about the particulars on how to do that... ummm... still working on it. Coming here helps definitely. Al-Anon and support groups when I can get to them. Knitting actually has helped quite a bit lately. I still don't think I'm going to get DS's sweater done before he outgrows it, but knitting makes sense. And I have to concentrate on it (i.e. not on crazying-making XAH and his cr-p), otherwise I end up ripping back to where I was concentrating on the pattern.

I couldn't control what job XAH had. I could be as encouraging as I could possibly be when he'd say, "Maybe I should get a 2nd part-time job." Doesn't matter and made no difference. He never did it and I was lucky when he had one. Even when he had one, I couldn't control if he chipped in any money towards the rent, or utilities, or.... I got the same run-down when I mentioned going back to school. How could I even think it? We have a young son, his work is important and he can't miss any of it. Blah, blah, blah. I'm sorry that you're getting the same blame and divert tactics.

It will pass. You'll make it through this. You'll be OK, you already are OK. Take a deep breath.

wicked

I thought those applied to the alcoholic, because the alcohol needs time to get out of your system and get your brain right. You are not the alcoholic, so I do not think this applies to you.

so, actually ten years has gone by while you have waited for him to make a move. i do understand this. his action is not saying much, certainly not about changing his status quo.

You are not materialistic to want a secure life. Security is one of our basic needs, and if you are feeling tense when you swipe your card, (and I know the feeling) that is a bad feeling. When you bring it up he blame shifts back to you or does the hang dog thing.
Yes, time will pass.
How it passes is up to you.

I think I just motivated myself.

Beth

seekingcalm

You are not materialistic to want peace of mind. And a materialistic person would not suggest down-sizing to save money, which you did.

Don't be so hard on yourself, this is not easy...early recovery is not for the faint of heart.

Take care of yourself, you are doing great, one day at a time

Learn2Live

(((hugs))) Circle. When you know, you will know. But in the meantime, how do you want to live your one precious life? Dream big. Then take small actions everyday to get you one step closer to attaining those dreams.

zrx1200R

I have a different view. Ten years have gone by while you waited for him to make a move. And this action speaks loudly. Past behavior is the best indicator of future performance.

In another 10 years, you will have waited 20 for him to do something. you can do something now. If you choose.