Couldn't sleep last night
 

I was just lying there next to the abf, thinking..... How can I possibly leave? who will take care of him? it's not his fault it's a disease...... and I'm not the type of person to just walk away from someone... blah blah blah.
All the same thoughts that have kept me here for 6 years.

I feel like I have done all I can, and even things I couldn't do but did anyway, to give him what he wanted. But it's like the give a mouse a cookie syndrome- it's never enough. Giving him one thing just makes him want the next. I have nothing left to give, at least to him.

I keep cycling through sadness, anger, resolution, uncertainty, elation at the thought of leaving, panic at the the thought of leaving. But, I'm feeling everything so remotely, like I'm in shock or something.

Last week I finally opened my own bank acct, and put $300 in it. I started looking at apartments online. I read the dv webite, even though I didn't call them yet. I'll finally have a few hours at home alone tomorrow morning and I'm going to pack an emergency bag and all my imortant paperwork to keep in the car just in case I have to make an emergency exit. But even as I do these things, I'm scared I won't follow through.

It's making me sick to my stomach to look in his face and smile. I feel this vague urge to scream, curse him out, enumerate every reason I'm leaving. I already know I won't though. I'm usually the one being hurt, I'm not the type to do the hurting. Plus, I don't really think he would hear me anyway.

So, I'm trying to hold onto the thought- this person actually hit me with a van one time, on purpose. (I refused to get in it because he was too far gone to be driving. Even though he was going slow enough I didn't really get hurt much, and he was wasted, still what kind of person could cross that line in their head?) People are telling me I'm in danger because I am. I will remember this.

I will remember that jealousy is not love.
I will remeber that pain is not love.
I will remember he needs everything I do for him, much more than he needs me.
I will remember it won't get any better.
I will remember the good in the man I believe is still there deserves a chance, and leaving is the only way to give it to him.
I will remember I do not deserve to not live like this.
I will remember that I don't owe him anything.

Okay sorry for the negativity first thing in the morning, I just had to cement these thoughts before they slip away again.

Not negative, at all.

You can have compassion for the person with the disease without feeling responsible for it, or sacrificing yourself to it.

The thing to remember is that he HAS the ability to recover if he chooses to. If down-and-out gutter drunks can recover, he can. He may have to get worse before he gets better. That's how it is for a lot of alcoholics. But as long as you are there to "take care of him" why should he?

Hugs, you are processing things in a healthy way.

I don't think you're being negative. I think you are being realistic and honest with yourself. Those of us who have been abused often minimize the harm our partners do to us, perhaps to protect ourselves emotionally, to make it easier to go on with the relationship, despite the abuse.

In my experience, I had to "open my eyes" to everything XAH had done to me and was continuing to do to me, in order to realize I *had* to leave.

As always, I made a list of all the things about being with him I wouldn't miss. It was very liberating. Then I made a second list of all the things I could look forward to when I was gone...like, "no more yelling, no more broken glass, no more picking up empties, no more stressing about money being spent on booze instead of food, etc etc".

I'm so glad you're taking steps to leave justsotired. You know you can always come back to SR and post as much as you like. SR is always here and there's invariably somebody around, either on the forum or even in the chat room, to talk to.

*hugs*

For me, it was when my car broke down on a major highway while (now-X)ABF was in rehab, that I realized how much better I was feeling.
I actually made a night of it, made a friend in the AAA guy, got a ride from him to the train station after dropping off my car at the mechanic, snagged a sandwich in a major train station while waiting for my second train, arrived home at 11pm and felt I had a good night... Then did the same in reverse the next day to pick up my car, paid for the repairs in full, and drove back and parked just before a major snowstorm hit. (My mechanic is an hour away from where I live now - but I trust him that much.)

No alcoholic ranting and raving how I had ruined his night, about how I should get rid of my car, about how this is why he drives me everywhere, about how I made him drink, about what would I do without him if he wasn't here to bail me out and drive me home, about how I'm going to upset his "90-year-old mother" when he tells her what happened and that I need money from her...
I managed the whole night, the whole next day, and paid for the repairs to my car.

That really was the first night of the rest of my life.

((((justsotired)))) I, too, have a chronic disease. I am an insulin-dependent diabetic. It's not my fault I have this disease. But, and this is a big old but.....

It is NO ONE ELSE'S RESPONSIBILITY to take care of me. I have to be vigilent about what I eat. I have to test my own blood sugar SEVERAL times a day, I have to make sure that I see the doctor regularly. NO ONE ELSE can do these things for me. Nor should they be expected to. If I expected that from someone else, then I am using my "disease" to hold someone else hostage.

Someone who suffers from addiction has the same responsibilities to themselves.

Hugs and prayers to you, HG

I think if you go back and re-read your post, you might just see it as positive rather than negative. It's hard to explain the relief that you will feel......the freedom that you will feel, when you just let go. Good job on these first big steps. They are the hardest ones to take. It really sound to me like the light bulb turned on for you last night. YAY! Keep up the good work!
M

wow that really struck a cord.... thanks for sharing :)
Actually thank you all for sharing the wisdom and strength of your experiences. I don't have many chances to get online but it really helps to have SR here with me as I am going through this. *hugs*

Please do be careful about leaving..it is the most dangerous time due to their lack of having control over the situation..all that stuff on the DV website is no joke so following a safety plan is a great idea. I used to work at a womens shelter and I just wanted to point out that even when abusers stop drinking, most times the abuse doesn't stop..it is definately considered two seperate issues (alcoholism and abuse) that sometimes overlap.
As for the guilt..I put my 18 year old daughter out on the street due to her addiction and refusal to get help. I wasn't "helping" her at all by giving her a place to live, warm food, etc while she actively tried to kill herself.It is not your responsibiltiy to take care of a sick person, it's their s and theirs alone.Good luck.. be safe

This is a great list, Justsotired.

Calling the DV hotline does not obligate you to taking any particular action that you do not feel you're ready for yet. What it does do is provide you with an advocate for you. Some one who will give you guidance and support and information. Tell them that you're planning on leaving, and they will help you make your safety plan and they may be able to point you to resources that are available that you had no idea existed. Every little bit of information helps.

Take care of yourself. You are stronger than you're aware of. Wishing you continued strength and serenity.

I gave AH an ultimatum a year ago- I had a suitcase ready to go in case I, too, had to make a quick exit. I know what you're feeling- I was scared I wouldn't follow through either. And I didn't. Slowly things slipped right back to where they were before. A year later, we're in a tough spot. Only this time, I'm not scared. I actually fantasize about how peaceful my life would be. I think when you're ready you'll know.

I feel that sheila84. I hope you are doing okay.
This isn't the first time I fantasized about leaving, or left for a few days and then came back.
But, maybe I stayed then for a reason, some higher powers plan. I think about all the nights I was there for my stepsons, to tuck them in with a kiss. And the afternoons I was the one who took them to the park to play ball, the library, for a swim.
So maybe I was here so long for those boys. But now its time to give them a shot to get their real father back. They are the hardest part about leaving.
I don't blame myself for not leaving before, I can't afford to I'd be paralyzed by it. But if I don't leave ever, and nothing changes... that I would blame myself for.
I'm holding onto the idea of some little appt, with no one to tell me its not big enough, what I have to do with my body to get the next thing on the wish list. Just the idea of having control over my body back... wow.

hey there, I think you are doing really well in a horrible situation.
good plan on the bag, I had one for about a year at the end,, I also had a plan about how I would do it if X or Y happened having been in a situation where I tried to leave and was prevented, that helps with feeling you would be able to follow through. I was preevnted because AH snatched our son from my arms, screaming that he was going to tear my face off, and then took him to bed. I wasn't prepared for that, and didn't know what to do. My plan after that was that I would leave the house, and call the police immediately, which sounds simple, but in the immediacy of that situation I was unable to process what I could do, and I cowered in my room waiting for him to pass out and then took my son back, but was so defeated, exhausted and scared by that time, I couldn't go.

re the disease thing, it was part of what kept me stuck for ages (and I don't really accept it now, because although I think it helps recovering alcoholics to accept a disease model I think it can be peculiarly unhelpful to those around them), my most helpful analogy was if he had schizophrenia and refused to seek help and take his meds, would I stay whilst he was dangerous, verbally abusive and erratic, or would I accept that I could not support/love him into wellness?

I've always had trouble with the comparison with addictions to diabetes.
Diabetes is a physical illness which only affects the brain if the disease is not maintained and addiction is a mental illness.
It's like comparing breast cancer to bi polar or dementia.

Harder to take responsibility for mental illness especially when it goes undiagnosed. And if you do not take your insuln, you will die. The disease of mental illness is not as dire at the onset

.

Justsotired: I didn't live with my ex, but I recall all the cycling of thoughts I had
One minute all was ok, he was fine, he's in AA, he's sober etc, Then the next, the anger and hatred I felt because of all his lies. And the fact that no matter how calmly I talked, he would NEVER acknowledge his actions.

Everyone has their bottom, You'll know when it's time to leave. In he meantime, get to an Al Anon meeting and learn how to detach.

hugs