tryintosmile

Yuck - I just had an awful aha moment.

The only time I've ever been motivated to try to work on this crappy relationship is when I've been jealous. What a terrible revelation. I've pushed him out the door - several times and when he found other women, I was jealous. I didn't expect to be - HONEST! I thought I would be happy to unload him on someone else, but I found myself getting extremely jealous, which in turn made me feel - SOMETHING.

I've felt dead inside for a long time, because of the verbal and emotional abuse. I've been disgusted by him when he's been drunk. Both with the things he says and does. I have no desire to be with him, even though he IS very desirable and has been very desirable to other women (who only know his good side and have pursued him - one relentlessly).

He pretends to listen to them go on and on. He acts like a good listener - but he's drunk and he doesn't 'hear' them. He pretends to be interested and compassionate. He pretends he's a nice guy. He's a little mysterious. Not just women, but everyone falls for him - hook, line and sinker. I fell for him at one time, too, so I know. He's a nice drunk - unless you're 'privileged'. I don't believe he has a conscious and sometimes I feel he is a sociopath. A darn good one if he is, because sometimes I am not sure. He's a chronic liar - because particulars don't matter. He says what he wants others to hear. He does what he thinks is 'the right thing to do'.

Anyway - the only reason that I am still with him after all I've been through IS because I have been SEVERELY jealous when he's been with other women. To me, the most sensual thing in the world is trust, and because I don't have that with him, I cannot feel positive towards him in any aspect BUT - somehow, when he has been with someone else (or they've tried to contact him), it stirs those feelings within me that I've long ago suppressed.

It's brought me back to him each time. Now that I'm more aware of this, I feel that I REALLY want him to find another woman and leave me alone - forever - and of course now he says he'll be loyal - we'll at least if I 'put out' every once in a while - though I won't, and the threats have been trickling out lately about how he'll go find it somewhere else - and I say GO, but I don't want to repeat the cycle, this time.

Shellcrusher

Tough one to deal with. I think until you realize there's better out there, you're going to remain content with jealousy and bad people.

You should try asking yourself out on a date. It's both hard and rewarding.

tallulah

What are you jealous about? List it, write it down if it helps. Ask yourself why you are: is it the projection of what 'could be' with him (if only he wasn't drinking and abusive?); is it the reality of being with him (remember what that is like).

If it were me, I'd list the pros and cons of being this guys companion (I say companion because I'm not getting 'partner' from what you've posted).. I'll bet that the cons far outweigh the pros. Proof, if needed, that if he thinks he can do better, let him, and proof that any woman who gets involved needs your prayers rather than the green eyed monster.

Tx

vujade

Sometimes it is very easy to get caught up in the fear that the next person will get the "great guy" we wanted to much but could never have. I tell you what...it's not very likely to happen and really isn't worth the emotion we put into it. I know that is so much easier said than done but it is true.

Realizing your motivation for staying is a big step and you just have to work toward breaking that cycle. It is YOU that keeps you going back in the end.

nodaybut2day

You know...even if you don't count the abuse and the addiction, you DO have the right to walk away whenever you like. You can make that choice not to wait for him to be unfaithful (again) and just leave.

I know in reality it's not that simple, because there are logistics to take care of, but when you boil it down, you *can* give yourself that permission and just say "enough of this".

tryintosmile

Yep - this has gotta be it. I'm jealous of what he could be. I'm not jealous of what he is. I've almost become selfish for keeping him in my life, when I do not want him. I'm also punishing him (not purposely, but because I can't bring myself to allow him to think the treatment that I've received from the years is okay). I cannot forgive - nor forget, though some days I can almost fool myself, because HE likes to pretend everything is fine. HE doesn't understand why I haven't forgotten all of it, because he has.

tryintosmile

Yes I do - but it's sort of a Catch-22. He says he'll be nicer to me if I'm more loving to him, yet how can I be more loving to him if I can't let go of the past? Most of the time he gets mad now is because I've become SO negative. If he did want to get better, I'm probably subconsciouly blocking that with my nonchalance and lack of enthusiam for anything. It's just that I went through so much it just destroyed me. I don't want to stay, but I don't have the energy to leave. I'm caught in a sort of limbo and each day it gets harder to pull myself out of. There is no excuse for his drunken rages, but I know I could temper them, by being nicer. I just don't want to be. I think I'm my own worst enemy.

Shellcrusher

You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

You're right. You're being your own worst enemy by giving this much energy to him. Start focusing on yourself.

nodaybut2day

I see no marital vow that says "Thou shalt be nicer to thy drunken spouse when he goes into a rage". I am not saying that you don't have your share of work to do in matters of interpersonal relationships, BUT living with an active alcoholic can wear you right down to the bone. And be honest with yourself, does "be more loving" mean that you are somehow disregarding your own personal boundaries?

I remember being...not the person I wanted to be, because the dynamic XAH and I had was so just so toxic. IMO, you are creating an obligation for yourself to stay, perhaps out of guilt. The reality is you do not owe him anything and he, being an adult, can very well take care of himself.

Perhaps, if you started by putting together a list of things that would need to be taken care of in order for you to leave, it could get the ball rolling. When I find my motivation lacking and my mind unfocused, I write out a "to do" list and then set about the task of doing 1 item per day. I often find myself doing more than one and then I'm happy with my progress.

Your list could start with..."investigate alternative living arrangements, open a new bank account and have paycheck deposited there..."

tryintosmile

I've told him a thousand times that I was going to leave, but mostly this was when he's been drunk, because he doesn't talk much when he is sober and refuses to talk about the relationship. He always says 'well GO THEN', but he lists all the things that I will NOT have anymore. He tells me I have NOTHING - and he's kind of right. I have no job (on disability). I have no close friends. I have very little family support. I basically have 'no life'. I'd be living on a disability salary (which is not bad, but not great). Even though he's drunk when he's saying this, it really scares me. When I first met him, I had all of those things, including half decent looks, which are just sad now. I think I've got a permanet scowl etched into my face. I think it's there to stay.

tryintosmile

You know - I love that saying because it is so freeing, but I'm afraid that I CAN control it - at least to some degree. He's getting older and feeling it. He had a heart attack a couple of years ago. He's found a much better job and a lot of the financial and other stress we had, has lifted. If I were to be more positive about our life now - in the present, I KNOW that would be motivating for him. I'm more argumentative. I hold my ground. I don't do nice things for him. I don't do anything he asks me to do, unless he rages about it - and then I do - just to shut him up. In my mind he's pathetic. I'll do just about anything for someone else, but when he asks me to do something, I feel sick inside. It's just that - well - I hate him for what he did in the past and I am perpetuating IT - by carrying that all around with me.

nodaybut2day

Ok but, just for the sake of argument here...

You could do ok on disability income with a bit of creative budgeting and perhaps even supplement your income by doing some at-home work occasionally.
You could very well create a social network for yourself by starting to attend activities that you enjoy (there are tons of free activities out there where you meet new people)
You could create a new life for yourself without the weight of an angry drunk dragging you down on a regular basis...

OR you could remain in what sounds like an abusive relationship to me, or at least one with bouts of verbal abuse, not to mention past infidelity.

You DESERVE love, respect and equal partnership. That frown doesn't have to be there permanently. It just needs a chance to ease up.

Shellcrusher

You are not God.

Buffalo66

I do the same thing. With the jealousy. Someone over on the alcoholic board called me out, saying I was holding onto a fantasy the way they hold onto alcohol. It's my security blanket the way a bottle of booze is to them.

It's true. I am so afraid. He is moving out march1 supposedly. There will b women within a month, I know it. These last four months of his sobriety were the only faithful months of our relationship.
I only get that tiny taste of feeling like someone is only mine as much as I am only theirs?
It is a fantasy. Being alone seems so sad and desolate, but I have to say, as apprehensive and sad as I am to b alone w our son again, I will not miss that mood swinging scapegoating part of him. I look forward to not having a knot in my stomach wondering what he will swing into next...and mine is "sober"...dry drunk, but sober.

iamchange08

going through the same thing as you are and it's very difficult, but we can make it thorugh it...i reach out to my hp which is god and it works for me....wish you the best and know how you feel.....

tallulah

COULD be.

But he isn't what you want/need with you. It's probably unlikely he will be with anyone else. Life keeps handing us the same lessons until we wise up. Is he likely to wise up any time soon (?). Doesn't sound like it, so he's destined to keep repeating the same thing again and again and who he is with will make little difference (only when it comes to the the levels of crapola they can take before they leave).

So, question is, do you want to waste any more of your one precious life waiting for him to wise up.. or do you want to spend it with someone who will love and cherish you? While you're with him.. while your eye is on him.. what/who are you missing out on?

He thinks he is your life, your world.. you are nothing without him (?) Lordy that would be my cue to go and prove him wrong.

Tx

theuncertainty

The fact that you see the cycle and are aware of it is a major first step in not repeating the cycle, Tryingtosmile.

LexieCat

It sounds like you are still trying to get him to agree. Now you want him to go out and find someone else, presumably because "cheating" would be a "good enough reason" for you to leave.

I dunno, TTS, I see you going in circles. "If this, then that, then this will happen, and then I always do such and such, and he always does so and so, and that's why I can't leave." The only way to move forward is to stop going in circles.

wicked

I will admit to this too tryintosmile. It hurts to remember how i BEGGED him to stay. Even after the infidelities, the discovery he had "tried" heroin.
What is interesting is that I was the breadwinner.
Yeah, I know how jealousy can make ya act strange, but you are jealous over something that is not there, and maybe never was.

I live on disability. Not getting rich, but not worried about the heat getting cut off either, like I did when I was counting on him to pay Child support.
If you get disability, there are many support groups to help you, and you could help people too. That will remove the scowl from your face.
I smile a lot now, and have my sense of humor back.

Beth

blwninthewind

um I'm with them.
My in recovery AH is planning to move out in August.
I freaked out.
It really was outta the blue. Just last week we had gone out on date night and he talked about all these future plans for us...HE talked about it..I don't plan anything (ie codie in me..always ready to fix it when things get broke).

I did what someone suggested...
Pros and Cons.
I literally let my anger and hurt consume me for awhile to come up w/ some doosies.
But it made me feel better.
Now I've decided to be GRATEFUL that one of us was able to see how badly we are damaged and stop before our kids become the next gen of alcohlics or codies (if they aren't already).

I'm ready. Yes I still have a hard time. I am losing my best friend and worst enemy and yes I know he'll have a gf in about 2 wks because he CANNOT be alone...
but that's okay. I'm thinking along the lines of letting her wash his clothes, do the dishes, and clean up his chaos.
I'll be better off in the end and I have hope of happiness. REAL happiness. Not the "oh AH is in a good mood, I can be too" or "uh uh..looks like the volcano is going to blow, I need to warn the kids" ....it's just SICK that I lived like this for so many yrs.

I say find a way to cope. I don't care if it does mean you hold onto your anger to get thru the day w/o caving into what he wants....there will be time to let it go when he's out and someone else's problem.