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So...not surpised....

Old 02-06-2011, 06:28 PM
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So...not surpised....

Well, my AH and I who are seperated have spend some time together lately. That said, he has been so nice and kind and helpful. Reminds of when got back together (after I left him for drinking and being extremely verbally and emotionally abusive the first time - actually this thought just occured to me today). So anyway, I felt myself start to minimize all the things he has done/is doing...felt myself start to say what if?? Well, I realize the next thing I did was rather co-dependent, but for me I needed the reality check. So Ah was DJing tonight, and I decided to stop in...yes to see if he was drinking. I know, I know....but I needed to PROVE to myself that he is still drinking...which is definately a nonnegotiable for me. So he was surprised to see me and immediately left the bar and came over to me, avoiding where he was sitting (as if I couldn't see the full pitcher of beer, the full cup of beer, and something else that was sitting where he had been). He was quiet while I sat and chatted with some friends drinking my diet coke....I didn't say anything to him, just hung out for a bit. Funny, while I was in the bathroom the pitcher and cups disappeared. So...my reality check - hoping wishing things were different - ended exactly the way I expected. All his claims to not drinking or drinking very little...just a show for me. I pulled out my co-dependent no more book last night and was reading some because of that feeling of minimizing things, and not seeing reality....and there was a quote in their by Ralph Waldo Emerson, that said something about actions and words. Actions are everything. The realization that he is acting just like he did when we got back together the first time - and that lasted only til we finally got married - then went downhill actually right after the wedding scares me. I can't go back.....he is good at the "show" of making me believe he's changed!! So back to more reading and healing and learning.....Oh...and though this may be off topic, the new Lifehouse song - I'm falling apart...that is so my life. I love that song!
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Old 02-06-2011, 06:37 PM
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Doesn't sound like you have really given up on the dream yet.
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Old 02-06-2011, 06:38 PM
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I know gerry...and I know....I'm trying....really I AM!!
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Old 02-06-2011, 06:43 PM
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BTW...the song title is Broken

Lifehouse song.
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Old 02-06-2011, 06:52 PM
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Moni I'm actually much nicer in person.

When you say "I'm trying" what does that mean? What does that look like to you? Only if you care to answer of course.
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Old 02-06-2011, 06:57 PM
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I'm trying - yes seems easy..yet complicated. I am trying to live in this reality....but fear sometimes gets the best of me. I am so scared at being responsible financially for my children (yes I have 6). I have a good job, I make decent money...but it is tough on my own. I think I hang on mostly for that reason....that and my belief about marriage. I don't want to fail again...I want to do what's right for my children...these are the thoughts that go thru my head.
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Old 02-06-2011, 06:58 PM
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Oh...and gerry...don't worry...I have gotten used to and actually look forward to your posts...because there is no wishywashyness to them....it is what it is!!
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:01 PM
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As tough as it might be to be a single mom on your own, living with an active alcoholic for a partner is a lot tougher.

Are you going to Al-Anon?
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:13 PM
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I know change can be frightening, the thought of it sometimes paralyzing, but I have found at times in my life where circumstances, that are so intolerable have come to be what I regard as not so bad, or even normal because it is what I have been used to and have trained myself to accept because to change, presents the 'unknown'. The unknown can seem so much worse than already terrible.

You have always read to me as an already single mother to your 6 children while your husband was living with you. What would be so different with him completely out of the picture?

Are you not living in a State that requires a spouse to pay child support? Were you not pretty much on your"own" emotionally when your husband was living with you? Didn't you drive yourself to hospital during your last pregnancy?

I understand you want the best for your children Moni, but what is the best for them? It isn't living IN a broken home. As far as marriage goes, It is not a failure to leave a marriage when it does not offer, love, emotional support, physical and emotional safety.
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Old 02-06-2011, 08:22 PM
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Somebody far smarter than me once said a little something about doing the same thing over and over yet somehow expecting a different result.

You think you will be alone. But you will not. He will be financially supportive to the children. And he will be there to help with them. But he's not going to stop drinking any time soon. You know that.
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Old 02-06-2011, 08:22 PM
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As tough as it might be to be a single mom on your own, living with an active alcoholic for a partner is a lot tougher.
Amen. Having control over your economy, your sleeping patterns, your body, is amazing. It much outweighs the difficulties of being a single parent.
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Old 02-07-2011, 11:58 AM
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Hi, FreeingMyself, I have to second that I always got the feeling that you were single-mom-ing it. But then I felt that way when still living with now XAH, too. In fact, it felt like I had a little one and one giant, surly, abusive teenager (sometimes pre-teen or just a giant infant... but I digress).

The finances were actually slightly easier for me after I left. It was tight, but much easier to plan for. I no longer had to deal with hundreds disappearing from our account when he decided he needed to buy a new heater and filter for the fish tank because he boiled that last set of fish, or needed to stock up on vodka and hide it throughout the livingroom, entry, kitchen and storage shed, etc. Or because I listened to and believed him when he said he was depositing his paycheck on Friday, so if we go shopping on Wednesday or Thursday, (and buy him steaks and oh, how about this video game, and this and that) the amount would be covered by the time it goes through and we'd still have money for rent and utilities.

I have a feeling that the budgeting with 6 children is even tighter than it is with 1. I won't say it's more certain that you'll have income coming in from him by way of child support - I'm not sure if it's a problem right now (?), but you would have more help in getting it.

I think it's amazing that you can see that his actions mirror how he was when you first got back together and that they then rapidly devovled. Being able to see the patterns is HUGE! One thing that helped me was a suggestion I read at SR: make a "X's love comes with:" and list all the bad things that you have had to deal with. I read it when ever I thought XAH would be able to actually follow through on his promise to change.

The next list I made was: I am able to do the following on my own: Budget so all of the bills are paid; pay all of the bills on a timely manner, take DS to school every day without help, pick up DS from school every day without help, keep the house clean, I can see that my pile of bills to pay is clutter and not garbage and not signs of poor housekeeping, and neither is the pile of yarn in the corner waiting for me to start knitting, etc....

This last list is a combination of 'Hey, Way to Go!' to me and a way to counter the negative lies XAH told me about myself. Funny though, that I just figured that out.

As far as the fear about whether or not I failed my marriage and DS when I walked away... Sometimes that fear is so crippling. But I really have to remind myself that I was only the person who admitted that the relationship was negative, unhealthy, hurtful to me and DS and that the partnerhship was dead. I didn't fail it. I tried everything to try to keep it together. I was the only one trying to work on the relationship. And only one person working to keep the relationship in tact will never work.
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Old 02-07-2011, 12:35 PM
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Ah - I love that quote. I just had it on my FB wall last week. It is:

"Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Unfortunately, so often we keep trying to read their lips.

That being said, before I kicked XAH to the curb I spent two days gathering rock solid evidence. I KNEW he was using and I KNEW he was cheating. In my heart, I knew. I just felt like I needed the irrefutable evidence so my HEAD would know and so he couldn't convince my heart that it wasn't true. It helped. Every time I kept hearing the "I'm sorry...I love you...I just want another chance" and feeling myself weaken, I thought about what my head now knew and it helped strengthen me.

The tricky part is to make sure that you trust what you KNOW and don't fall for trying to hear those weak words through all the actions.
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Old 02-07-2011, 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post
In fact, it felt like I had a little one and one giant, surly, abusive teenager (sometimes pre-teen or just a giant infant... but I digress).
LOL! When asked if I had children I used to say I had three boys ranging from age 3 to age 40. If only that were funny...
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