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CoffeeLover 02-06-2011 07:15 PM

worst 24 hours of my life
I am having a rough weekend and I am hoping someone out there could listen.

To try to make a long story husband of almost 9 years is an alchoholic. He got sober before we got married and stayed sober for over 8 years. One year ago he relapsed which lead to last year being very painful as he got sick so quickly. He finally went to detox and rehab last November and completed a 28 day program. Unfortunately, I suspected relapse over the last 2 weeks and my suspicions were confirmed this weekend. We had planned a trip to the beach this weekend (where we currently are) so that our two young kids (7 and 3) could enjoy the indoor waterpark. Once in our hotel I had suspicians and opened AH's suitcase and there was an entire pack of vodka airport bottles minus two (he has never even drank vodka before...always beer). Of course he denied the drinking as he always has and then things spiraled out of control. I told him that I reached my end and that I needed to file seperation for my well being and our childrens when we got home. He spiraled out of control last night and basically threatened suicide all night long. He said that he was going to jump of the balcony of our hotel as he just wanted to end his life. We someone how got through the night and then things quickly got bad again today. He came in the hotel room after taking a short walk and was completely intoxicated. He basically admitted to taking some sort of pills b/c he wanted to end his life. I thought he was going to die so I had to call 911. They took him away for the night, but now I am left with what is next.

How do I know when enough is enough? I feel that I need to protect myself and my children, but the other side of me says that I agreed to "till death do us part" and that i need to keep fighting. I am the breadwinner of the family as my husband has been a stay at home dad. If I kick AH out then he trully leaves with nothing nor any local family to turn to. My kids have never been in daycare or anything. I don't even know how I would afford that. I fear losing my job because of this mess b/c I already forsee having to take time off work to deal with everything. I do know that I can no longer trust my children in his presence especially since he drives them around to school and such. I can't sleep at night, eat, and I am tired of shaking due to nerves all day long. Now on top of all that my kids had to watch their dad be hauled away by police and ems today. Where do I go from here?

Tuffgirl 02-06-2011 07:33 PM

Wow. I am very sorry to read your story and hear your despair. But you did the right thing. Anyone threatening suicide needs to be hospitalized until that person becomes stable again. Your husband is a very sick man.

Where to go from here...I don't know that answer for you but I know what it meant for me, and many other members here have their own stories about how they picked up the pieces of their lives and their families and moved on from alcoholism and addiction. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

So first let me ask if you have attended an Al-Anon meeting? That is a great place to start. Secondly, see what the hospital does...they may recommend another inpatient stay. If not, can you suggest AA? I gave my RAH an ultimatum. It's worked ok so far, but we are separated until he can get a handle on recovery and sobriety. I won't say this has not been hard because its been the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but in the end, I have to make sure me and my children are ok. He's a grown man, he can figure out how to make himself ok without my guidance or input.

Lastly, daycare can be an ok thing for kids. Change is always hard, but both my girls made it through a variety of forms of caregiving, from daycare to babysitters and they are both ok now. Transitions are difficult and painful, no matter what. As folks say here all the time, your AH can fend for himself; he's a grown man, but your children rely on YOU to take care of them.

Welcome to SR. You are not alone in your struggle; you will find many like minds here. I will say a prayer for you that you find peace soon.

theuncertainty 02-06-2011 07:43 PM

Oh, Coffeelover. I'm so sorry that you and your kids had to deal with this. What an awful thing, to open the suitcase and find the little bottles of vodka, then deal with the threats of suicide, then the police and EMs.

You do not have to decide anything right now. Take the time you need to consider everything, but first please try to get some rest and take care of you. Snuggle your dear little ones and let them know you love them.

Please do keep in mind that just because he's been a stay at home dad, it doesn't mean he's not capable of finding some way to support himself, if he really wants to. If he doesn't want to, that's not your fault either.

Big, big :grouphug:

lillamy 02-06-2011 07:54 PM


Threatening suicide is classified as domestic abuse. And I think you are absolutely right -- you can't trust your children with an A as their caretaker. If he was anyone other than your husband, you would know this. You would never think of leaving your children with a daycare provider that you knew would be likely to drink. And believe me, I'm not chastising you; I spent 20 years with a man who would pass out drunk when he was supposed to be watching our children...

Someone said something here to me that really rang true to my ears: That the marriage vows don't just have the "for better for worse" but also the "to have and to hold, to love and to cherish" -- and in most cases, alcoholics have broken that part of hte contract long before their spouse decides to break the "til death do us part" part.

I don't know if you're ready. Only you do. But I do think you have a great opportunity, if you are ready, to set things in motion right now. Will it be messy and hurtful and ugly? You bet. The question is -- will it be less messy and hurtful and ugly than staying?

Hang out here and talk. And listen. And vent. There's a slew of great people here who have been through the wringer and who know what you're talking about.

LexieCat 02-06-2011 07:58 PM

Welcome, glad you found us.

I second what uncertainty said. Get some rest. You have decisions to make, but you don't have to make them this minute. Or even today or this week.

Get to some Al-Anon meetings if you can. It will be very helpful in terms of getting yourself calmed down and thinking straight. Al-Anon was an absolute lifeline for me when I was desperate after my ex-husband was hospitalized with liver failure and was touch-and-go.

Take care of yourself, things will eventually become clearer.

CoffeeLover 02-06-2011 08:04 PM

Thank you all for listening. My family is so quick sometimes to thow out their opinons but it does help to "talk" to people who can relate. I have recently started Alanon, but only 3 meetings so far. I will be sure to continue and hopefully be able to open up.

My husband hides his drinking and always has. However, he has accepted he is an alcoholic and knows he has a problem. I have supported him through detox, rehab and counselors. He goes to AA EVERY single night but still drinks. We turned to church and he willing turned his life over to God, but he still drinks. I'm not sure that there is anything else I can do.

LexieCat 02-06-2011 08:10 PM

Originally Posted by CoffeeLover (Post 2857037)
I'm not sure that there is anything else I can do.

There may not be much else you can do for him. There is, however, much you can do for YOU.

Glad you're going to Al-Anon. It works!

zrx1200R 02-06-2011 08:45 PM

I'm sorry for what you've just endured. Mine threatened the suicide too. They are WAY to self absorbed to do it. It is just more talking. Remember, they say and do what ever they think will work on you. They lie, and make up stories, and project their bad behavior on to you.

Stay strong. You are moving in the right direction. You can see from his actions that he has a very low chance of recovering. Rehab and AA everyday, yet still drinks. He is powerless to stop. You leaving may be the best thing to ever happen to him. He may then realize what alcohol has cost him.

The regulars are no doubt tiring of my party line. But here it is again. I should have left at the first sign of the alcohol troubles. now, 22 years later I'm still married, a whole lot poorer, and wondering why I let it happen. Think it through and make the best decision for you and your kids.

Best to you.

ToBeSerene 02-07-2011 12:12 AM

@ ZRX - thanks for sharing your "party line" as I've not heard it and needed to hear it.
I too have been married for 22 years and am looking at divorce this year. Where did the 22 years go.

@ CoffeeDrinker: I'm SO SORRY that this happened to you - what a nightmare it must have been for you and your kids. Alanon and friendships formed through alanon have been my saving grace. I started pulling away after he relapsed 1.5 yrs after treatment. It's a sick cycle we have right now ... I gain confidence (spend time with friends) and he drinks. I stay home (and am miserable on the inside) he doesn't drink. My "old" self would have assumed it's becuase of me but not the new me.

You will find your answer with time - processing it in my mind and heart was the toughest for me - I wanted a solution now! You will get there and it will be your time.

Be safe and be gentle with yourself. You obviously already love your kiddos :)

I found the most peace when I really learned how to detach with love ...

Keep coming back :grouphug:

whereisthisgoin 02-07-2011 05:07 AM

Coffeelover, I've always paid attention to your posts. I feel a familiarity with your stories. This one seems new, however. I am really sorry your AH put you and your family through this, while away from home even.

The only advice I have are the words that keep playing in my head. "Do what's right." You may not exactly know what that is but it sure helps to keep me going in the right direction.

I wish you peace and perserverance.

LexieCat 02-07-2011 05:37 AM

I think we've got people confusing "CoffeeLover" with "coffeedrinker" and/or "coffeenut". (LOL, lots of caffeine addicts around here! :) ) (includes self)

naive 02-07-2011 05:40 AM

hi coffeelover-

when i first arrived here at the safe port of SR, everyone kept telling me to take the focus off of him and put it back onto me. i honestly didn't know how to do that, as i was quite exhausted from putting out fires.

alcoholism will take the whole family down. it almost took me down.

it doesn't sound as if you can leave the children in his care. he already got the neighbor to blow into the interlock system, he lies and hides his drink.

it might be helpful to speak up to your friends and family and tell them what is going on. i know you are a private person, but you need some support.

your husband sounds very sick, with the alcoholism, pill popping and also bulimia.

you have two small children. i know its difficult to consider that you need to protect them from their father, but it sounds as if this is so.

have you considered getting a therapist for yourself?

is there anyone that can help you? what about contacting his family and explaining what is going on? maybe he could leave and go stay with them.

are there any organizations that could help? you mentioned that you go to church...perhaps share your story with the minister and maybe the church can help with childcare...

try to reach out for help.

nodaybut2day 02-07-2011 09:47 AM

hi there Coffeelover. I'm so sorry you had a rough week-end, but I'm glad you called 911 and had professionals deal with the situation.

I second naive's suggestions: it's time to reach out for help. Your friends, your church, and perhaps even through your work's Employee Assistance Program for some counselling. You need support!

I also wanted to chime in with regards to childcare. My DD has been in daycare since she was 10 months. I had no choice about it since I was the main breadwinner for the family and I wouldn't trust XAH alone with a baby. She's been in an in-home daycare and now she's in a big center. She is well-adjusted, very social and her language skills have exploded since being in the center. They're not all bad, and can actually be really good when you find the right place and keep the lines of communication open with the caregivers. I think it would be a good idea to investigate childcare for your little ones, so that you can at least be at ease about them not being in the care of an alcoholic.

Please keep posting and reading as much as you need!

CoffeeLover 02-09-2011 01:08 PM

AH is getting released tomorrow and I am nervous sick about what is to come. I have been looking into full-time child care options and think I have a neighbor that will work out. Still not sure how I will manage those costs into my budget, but I don't really see any other option. He is riding a bus home since he is 3.5 hours away from where we live since I am not going to pick him up. He understands that things will be different. He is just asking for 2 days to come home and get his affairs in order. I have no clue what his plans are and where he will go. Part of me just wants him to go home to his parents that are out of state, so that way I can concentrate on me and the kids. I think I have come to accept that he needs serious help and that it is time to at least seperate. I need to work on my recovery and stop focusing on his.

nodaybut2day 02-09-2011 01:34 PM

Coffeelover...I'm sorry this realization has been so painful for you, but it *is* a good thing. Have you told your AH that he's not to overstay his welcome? I'm just concerned that he might decide to hole himself up in your home and not leave. The logistics of getting him to leave then are more...complex.

Perhaps it's time to take legal steps to prevent him from coming back at a later time. Talk to a lawyer and see about filing for temporary exclusive use of the family home.


CoffeeLover 02-09-2011 01:57 PM

I have not taken any legal steps yet, but know that i need to. I am mostly worried about the cost of all that. I am still trying to figure out how to budget the childcare cost and unfortunately that has been my main priority. AH knows that he can stay for 2 days, so hopefully he won't make things difficult. I don't think he will handle the seperation piece well and having to leave the kids. However, since I have been the sole bread winner for the family I don't think he will fight me for the house or anything like that.

nodaybut2day 02-09-2011 02:03 PM

Call around to find a family law lawyer who will do a free consultation. Some will do them over the phone. If you can afford it, pay for a legal's worth every penny. The lawyer I hired cost 140$ per I forked out that money and she spent well over an hour with me going over ALL the details regarding separation, custody, finances. It was INSANELY helpful and I felt a lot more...sane after that consultation.

I think it's a real good idea to consult a lawyer at this point because you have been the breadwinner. Your AH may be eligible for chid support if he gets any kind of custody.

wicked 02-09-2011 03:20 PM

I need to work on my recovery and stop focusing on his.
You have been thru so many changes in a short time.
Please remember what I quoted from your post above.
Save yourself so you can take care of your children.
Sending you hugs and love for you and your children.


TakingCharge999 02-09-2011 03:44 PM

Sending hugs and good vibes your way. You'll find once this toxic person is out of your life, things fall into place one way or the other and it is easier to be creative, to take decisions. I hope you reach out to others in real life - family & friends, that can walk with you during this transition to a more peaceful life.

I am glad you got a steady job, try not to worry about the future, one thing at time.. doing "the next best thing" takes you there.

Also might I suggest you keeping a mobile phone with you at all times? not to scare you but that way you can call 911 if anything happens. It would be great if you can inform your neighbors so they can check on you, and also the AH knows you are not alone.

Please let us know how it goes and how you are doing.

Shellcrusher 02-09-2011 03:55 PM

Originally Posted by CoffeeLover (Post 2856975)
...but the other side of me says that I agreed to "till death do us part" and that i need to keep fighting.

I struggle with my verbal contract as well. Meanwhile, my AW was still drunk and coked up when she said it, so I'm suspicious of the single sided commitment I made.

I'm sorry that you and your kids have to see and deal with that.

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