Asking permission to go out
 

My AH rarely goes out as he perfers to drink at home. However, as you all know this is Super Bowl Sunday, so he asked "permission" to go and meet a friend at a bar to finish watching the game. I "gave" it to him know he would drink anyway, even though there is a chance that if he doesn't control himself he might get caught (and a small part of me almost wishes he would). I feel guilty by letting this one night go by without him drinking at home and being out and possibly behind the wheel with one too many. Then again, he may not spare me anyhow and drink only a little at the bar and finish his binge when he gets home. I am new here and drinking has only become a very bad problem in my home over the past year (he quit drinking before we married and after a near fatal accident I had), so even though I have been with him for 7 years, I was completely unaware of the emotional manipulation an addict can cause their loved ones - sheesh.

Sorry to rant, but I'm feeling both angry and guilty at the same time.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. He's a grown man and if he wants to go to a bar and drink then that's what he'll do. If he drives drunk, that, too, will be his decision and any consequences due to that will be on him, not you.

Hey Rechellef! At least your husband asks your permission to go out. Not saying that what your husband is doing is ok. My ex ABF would just go out and not care what I said. And every weekend. If I wanted to hang out with him I had to go to the bar because that's all he would do on the weekends. He was very nice and charming at the beginning of our relationship but after awhile, he became very emotionless towards me and if I ever crossed him about his drinking or anything he wanted to do, he emotionally and verbally cut me down. Everything became a struggle.

I would not feel guilty because you have to participate in the relationship just as much as he does and your feelings are just as equal to his. I guess you just have to decide for yourself if its worth it or not to stay in that type of relationship because from what I hear and read on this site, alcoholism progresses and gets worse, unless the alcoholic hits some sort of rock bottom and decides to stop for themselves. Until that happens, it is a daily struggle to understand and cope with someone who has an addiction because to an alcoholic drinking is their "true love" even over their partner as sad as that may sound.

It isn't your decision to make. If he asks if you are OK with the idea, you are free to express that you think it isn't wise, but you can't control what he does. Since you did say you didn't have a problem with it, I wouldn't be critical of him when he comes home.

I hated it when my xah would ask my 'permission' for something. I can only remember one time I said no (it was about putting a golf membership on our credit card) and he sold his damn truck in exchange for a golf membership anyway! Lots of people bought his beer if he was on their team because he was good golfer :sigh:

I am not your mother, your conscious, your guardian angel, or your permission giver. I am your wife. He asked permission when he knew it was a bad or selfish choice. It was a no win situation. I mother him and deny him some privilege (I'm actually getting mad just remembering it!) and then I feel crummy - he's the long suffering husband - no one is happy. I say yes and permission is granted. He takes no responsibility for his actions because I gave him 'permission'.

We are partners. You make the decision that you feel is best. You take stock of all the variables and decide what is best and then do that. He already *knew* what I really thought. He just wanted to twist the situation for a 'get out of jail free card'. As always, dump the responsibility in my lap. Oh he'd be mad when I finally started saying something along those lines and rejecting the responsibility!

My husband did this too, and it would make me angry every time. If I said no, I would be the mean wife who wouldn't "let" him have fun and hang out with his friends. If I said yes, then I was telling him it was okay to drink and validating his bad choices for him, which is exactly what he wanted. Its manipulation, plain and simple. When I said no, he got mad and went out anyway. I ultimately stopped answering the question and told him that his choices weren't up to me.

Ooh, thanks guys, I was forgetting how the mere act of asking our "permission" puts us in a no-win situation. UNLESS we refuse to play the game. It's tricky, because with a non-alcoholic partner, it would be considerate for them to ask us if we minded if they made plans.

This is where boundaries come in, I think. And they have to be carefully drawn. After all, we do want them to ask us how we feel before making certain decisions--making an expensive purchase with money from the family account, for example. But things like, "can I go out with the guys" is something that a kid would ask his parents. And a potential trap for us.

Maybe we need to think about WHY we would rather they not go out (if that's the case) and word our response accordingly. If we had counted on their being home to do something with us, we could say we'd rather they didn't, because xxx. If it's just that we don't want them out drinking, we could simply say, "It's up to you--it won't interfere with my evening."

Dealing with an alcoholic is like walking through a mine field, isn't it?

This is how my husband justified asking for permission: he was trying to be "respectful" in asking me. However, he NEVER asked my permission for anything other than going out to drink, and he knew how I felt about his drinking, so it was clearly manipulation in my sitution.

When my ex would try to pull this one I would say, "Do I look like the beer police? Your decisions are your own."

I would have to be careful with this approach, because I could manufacture a million reasons why I really, really counted on him to be home, which in reality would just be a way for me to control and manipulate him into not going.

A mine field is a good analogy!!