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overcome by a moment of jealousy

Old 02-06-2011, 03:27 PM
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overcome by a moment of jealousy

Hey all,
I've been reading so much here, and it's been so helpful lately. A friend just posted on facebook that she's pregnant with her second child. I'm so happy for her, and then I found myself crying. I have a 9 month old with AH and I really want another child, not yet, but in a year or two. It's so hard to realize the dreams that may not come true. I know it's for the best, and there's a slight chance we'll be ok, but I'm not counting on it. It seems like it's sometimes harder to let go of the things that are not than the things that are.
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Old 02-06-2011, 04:05 PM
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Hi! I just read back your posts to get a picture of your situation. How is your husband doing now? I see 3 days ago you guys had a chat. Has he been sober since? Gone to any meetings?

You asked in another post how best to support him. I'm an alcoholic in recovery. An alcoholic mother, actually. I haven't asked anything specific of my spouse. I didn't even tell him initially that I was quitting. I don't know why. I can tell you that this time it's been very different. I've cried because I feel so sad for how lost I was when I was drinking. But not that hysterical "I'llstopIswearit'llallbedifferentthistime" kind of drama I used to feel. Recovery has been very quiet.

Things that are helpful:
1 - Occasionally I get very tense (still working on good 'go to' skills in those situations) and he'll order me out of the house for an hour (kindly. He'll like give me his starbucks card and fling a magazine in my direction!). I don't take advantage of this. It's happened maybe 2, 3 times in 6 mos.
2 - My husband is super-enthusiastic in general and always eager to do stuff with us. So I have a buddy for all the sober outings (coming with me and the kids for icecream when maybe he'd really rather stay home and do something around the house, for example).
3 - He LISTENS. When I need his opinion on something I have to expressly ask for it. Mostly he just sits and listens to me. I don't talk about it much though. The last time we talked about it was when he wanted to have people over for NYE and I tearfully asked him if we could go to their place instead so I could leave if I had to. He didn't argue with me about it and I appreciated that. With that being said I really try not to impose much on us if that makes sense. I mean he offered to not drink anymore etc. but I really don't want that. This is my mess, not his.
4 - I see you talk about going to a meeting/counseling with him. I am not in any formal program so I can't speak to that.

Really just having a buddy in my new sober life is what I need. Someone to enjoy things with. Someone who is excited to see me enjoy things in a new way. I remember a couple of weeks in I went to a pampered chef party. I'd NEVER have gone to something like that before. Too lame, too late in the evening (drinking time, yo). When I got home he turned off his computer and made me tell him everything. Who was there, all about the new people. Who ordered what. Did he really give a sh*t about pampered chef? Probably not. But he cared about me and it made all the difference.

Oy - typing this all out has made me cry but anyway. Hope it helps! I can only imagine how hopeless/helpless you feel and pray that your husband feels strong. It really is his battle.

Best of luck to you both.
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Old 02-06-2011, 04:35 PM
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Hugs, Sheila. I think it's way harder to let go of what could have been than letting go of what is. I get the same feelings. DS's classmates all seemed to get little brothers or sisters this past year. I had begged and begged XAH for another child. Even seeing my friends all tired and harried didn't make it any easier to acknowledge that I will never have another baby and DS will never be a big brother.

Yeah, it may be for the best, but it still hurts. *sigh*. Snuggle you little 9mo and I'll give my 6yo a big old bear hug.
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Old 02-06-2011, 05:16 PM
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he hasn't actually stopped yet, but he is ready to start the meetings. I think it'll probably happen in the next week. We'll see what happens from there. I think counseling as well as marriage counseling are necessary as well. It's a scary, teetering place to be, for sure. But I think I'm finally seeing the big picture. Thanks so much for the advice.
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Old 02-07-2011, 06:04 AM
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Originally Posted by sheila84 View Post
he hasn't actually stopped yet, but he is ready to start the meetings. I think it'll probably happen in the next week. We'll see what happens from there. I think counseling as well as marriage counseling are necessary as well. It's a scary, teetering place to be, for sure. But I think I'm finally seeing the big picture. Thanks so much for the advice.
I'm sorry to hear that he is still drinking. It's tough (dare I say impossible?) to make any progress with alcohol in your system. The alcoholic part of the brain is tough to quiet when sober and deafening when 'fed' with alcohol.

Would he consider inpatient?
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Old 02-07-2011, 06:45 AM
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But I think I'm finally seeing the big picture. Thanks so much for the advice.
this might sound trite, but in order to see the big picture, you might back up for a better view.
if he is still drinking during counseling, the counselor will probably not want to continue.
that kind of work cannot be done with someone who is chemically altered.
if you can get counseling for yourself, or go to AlAnon, that would help you tremendously.
Beth
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