New here and wife to sneaky/subtle AH

Old 02-06-2011, 02:22 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Kingsport, TN
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Unhappy New here and wife to sneaky/subtle AH

First of all, my name is Rechelle and I a youthful 43 years of age and am the mom to two awesome girls ages 5 and 3.

I am in a predicament and that is the fact that my AH makes sure that (for the moment) his drinking is almost never seen by our girls as well as drinks only at home and generally when I am in bed. He will even sneak a large beer or two in the driveway or in the car when he gets home so he sometimes hides how much he's been drinking (he works nights, so he is almost always at home long after the girls are in bed). Therefore, my very young girls have no idea that daddy has a very big problem that has a huge effect on mommy. Therefore, they can't quite grasp the deep rooted issues that exist with their father. They have been witness to some of his NEVER violent, but illogical outbursts, but that is not when he is drinking, but is a result of his drinking. He thinks that any sort of counseling or support is a crock, so he continues to chip away at our marriage. Right now, our relationship does remain somewhat strong, but I am not sure for how long. His drinking is slowly chipping away at the foundation of our marriage.

Right now, I just have no idea where to go or what to do. I do plan on attending Al-anon, but the whole leaving him is not a realistic option at the moment. The girls would be beyond angry, hurt, and confused (they worship their daddy) and I would hurt a great deal too. More than anything I want to save what is presently an intact marriage and used to be an awesome marriage. I know that I can only help myself and my girls first, but other than Al-anon, I feel helpless as to what else I can do to hold it together for me and my girls.

Last edited by Rechellef; 02-06-2011 at 02:24 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Old 02-06-2011, 02:33 PM
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 629
Welcome, so glad you have found us. There is so much wisdom, support and experience here.

First and foremost, you must take care of yourself and your children. There is nothing you can do about your H as long as he is actively drinking. Al Anon has been very helpful for me as well, but if you are concerned about leaving your children alone with your H, who may be drinking, there are on line meetings as well.

Read and post here...wiser folks than me will be along.

Sending positive thoughts your way
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Old 02-06-2011, 02:37 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Hi Rechelle, welcome to SR. As a mom I relate to how you are thinking of how your children might feel by any decisions you make.

Your decision to come to SR and to attend Al-anon is a step in the right direction for your family and most of all for YOU.

Your marriage sounds like mine was 6 years ago and hard to admit I didn't see the alcoholism and it progressed and our marriage and my self just continued to deteriorate. Counseling in the last year and Alanon along with faith in my HP in the last 6 months are just starting to give me clarification to make good decisions and some days I make no decisions and just peacefully enjoy my children.

I wish you the best and I know many others will come along and share their ESH with you.
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Old 02-06-2011, 02:40 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 25
Wow. I hear you! My husband is so similar- amazing dad, works nights, sits in the car and drinks vodka before coming in to go to bed. It breaks my heart. We're in the process of seeking support/ counseling, he has at least admitted to the problem. I don't have much advice except to not ignore that it is a problem. Detach, do what you need to be happy, but do not deny what is going on. I ignored all the red flags in this now 4 yr marriage. I shrugged off what I saw, and the longer I have stayed blind to it the further apart we have become. Best of luck to you.
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Old 02-06-2011, 02:44 PM
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Welcome to SR, Rechelle. XAH initially did the same thing, trying to hide how much he drank. DS was 3yo and he saw so much more than I ever thought he did.

There are stickies at the top with very useful information.

Keep reading and posting here. There are a lot of shoulders to lend support. And, please do remember to take care to yourself. We often let our own wellbeing fall to the wayside as we try to take care of our family and deal with our loved one's alcoholism.

Take care!
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Old 02-06-2011, 06:06 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

We understand what it feels like living with a loved one that is actively abusing alcohol. You are not alone.

We are here to support you, encourage you and offer you our strength and experience. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
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