Blogs


Notices

Do I keep bailing her out? Help please

Old 02-06-2011, 12:43 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
xvg
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 9
Do I keep bailing her out? Help please

Hi all,

I started dating a recovering alcoholic last year and had no idea how bad that was for her recovery and my own well being. Really had no experience with it. She grew very attached quickly and was hurt when I said that I wasn't ready for all this. We are still on friendly terms, though.

Problem is that every once in a while I get phone calls from other people on her phone. Anyone know where this is going?

"Hi, this is XXX and I am calling from your friend's phone. She's been drinking a lot and keeps saying your name. Can you come pick her up at xxxx?"

For a while I would go and pick her up and hide her at my house until she sobered up. I felt bad if I didn't because she would be kicked out of her house. She would also face 12 months jail time if the police get involved.

I feel really bad because she does work hard, but then has these occasional mishaps. She's a very sweet person and hurting so bad on the inside...

But I am so sick of dealing with it. I feel like I am just enabling the behavior, however infrequent it may be. So I am just telling the people who call me that I dunno, check her phone for other names to call. I feel like such an *******.
xvg is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to xvg For This Useful Post:
chicory (02-10-2011), seekingcalm (02-06-2011)
Old 02-06-2011, 12:48 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No, you're on the right track. You don't have to be at her beck and call to pick her up when she is drunk.

All you have to say is that you can't pick her up. She needs to experience the consequences of her own choices, painful though they might be. You aren't doing her any favors by continuing to be her safety net.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 13 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (02-07-2011), Carol Star (02-08-2011), CatLover1234 (02-10-2011), chicory (02-10-2011), crystal226 (02-06-2011), kudzujean (02-08-2011), laurie6781 (02-06-2011), Learn2Live (02-06-2011), sailorjohn (02-06-2011), SteppingUp (02-08-2011), Taking5 (02-08-2011), theuncertainty (02-06-2011), Thumper (02-06-2011)
Old 02-06-2011, 01:19 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
sailorjohn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by xvg View Post
But I am so sick of dealing with it. I feel like I am just enabling the behavior, however infrequent it may be. So I am just telling the people who call me that I dunno, check her phone for other names to call. I feel like such an *******.
Precisely.

And if you are truly sick of dealing with it, change your number.
sailorjohn is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to sailorjohn For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (02-07-2011), kudzujean (02-08-2011), Thumper (02-06-2011)
Old 02-06-2011, 01:45 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
xvg
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 9
Thanks for the responses. You all have pretty much confirmed what I suspected was the right course of action. I still feel terrible, though. This girl has never asked me for anything ever. Always giving, giving, giving; to a fault even.

Can I even continue the friendship? I do not contact her, but I do respond when she contacts me. I have talked her through some tough times and have actually made progress in the way she deals with tough issues. On the other hand, I could be just as easily setting her back by still being reachable. She has a strong fear of abandonment.
xvg is offline  
Old 02-06-2011, 01:46 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,104
Originally Posted by xvg View Post
For a while I would go and pick her up and hide her at my house until she sobered up. I felt bad if I didn't because she would be kicked out of her house. She would also face 12 months jail time if the police get involved.

I feel really bad because she does work hard, but then has these occasional mishaps. She's a very sweet person and hurting so bad on the inside...

But I am so sick of dealing with it. I feel like I am just enabling the behavior, however infrequent it may be. So I am just telling the people who call me that I dunno, check her phone for other names to call. I feel like such an *******.
So some of the time she works hard, the other time she relies on you for her ill choices.
And you keep her from facing those choices by hiding her at your house…….that’s not working for either one of you and I am glad you are seeing this.

Friends don’t put friends in that position over and over again, she has a sense that she is entitled to reply on you for when she chooses to drink to excess and you have a sense of responsibility to be her hero. Those dynamics never work for any type of relationship. It may be time to block her number from contacting you, I’m sure she’ll find another name in her contacts to call.
atalose is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to atalose For This Useful Post:
theuncertainty (02-06-2011)
Old 02-06-2011, 01:50 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
zrx1200R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
I have an idea. The next time this happens, go. Find her drunk arse, collect her phone and change the number saved under your name to a local women's shelter or non emergency police department. I say this, as most phones remember the number if you delete it. It can be retrieved. But, if you over write it.....you number is gone for ever. You could just put a nonsense number as well.

Problem solved forever. And easier than changing your number.

Regardless, you have NO obligation to deal with this. she's all grown up and makes the decisions she makes.

Last edited by zrx1200R; 02-06-2011 at 01:56 PM. Reason: left out NO
zrx1200R is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to zrx1200R For This Useful Post:
JACKRUSSELLGIRL (02-08-2011), kudzujean (02-08-2011), Learn2Live (02-06-2011), sailorjohn (02-06-2011), seekingcalm (02-06-2011), TTOSBT (02-09-2011), wicked (02-06-2011)
Old 02-06-2011, 02:42 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Blog Entries: 3
[QUOTE=zrx1200R;2856697]I have an idea. The next time this happens, go. Find her drunk arse, collect her phone and change the number saved under your name to a local women's shelter or non emergency police department. [QUOTE]

That's sneaky. My initial reaction is mixed. Changing the number to a local AA leader, for example is that that would work and get the point across. On the other hand, it is sneaky!!
The upstanding thing to do would be to let her know the next time she calls drunk you are going to change your number, but what a dang hassle!

The other thing I will say is I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband is, on the whole, a sweet, loving, caring guy that is trying his best.
Nonetheless, feeling sorry for someone is not a healthy way to relate to someone and doesn't give them the dignity they deserve. My husband and your exgirlfriend CAN take care of themselves. They just don't happen to be doing a great job at it right now.
We need to remember they CAN. They are adults. They can handle reasonable expectations (like don't call me, or have your friends call me when you're plastered) and make good choices.
Setting boundaries when others (even if they are acting pitiful) does not make you a jerk. It makes you a healthy adult. Just know that validation will NOT come from her. You have to validate yourself despite what she says.

Keep us updated.
Hugs
peace
FindingPeace1 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to FindingPeace1 For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (02-06-2011)
Old 02-06-2011, 02:57 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 143
I don't think you have to bail on her. What you can do is call your local AA and see what resources are available for people in her situation. You might also want to call your Mayor's office or the local police to see whate ride home services are available for people who drink too much. Most cities have something in place to keep drunks off the road. Have that number be listed in DrunkRideHome or MYRIDEHOME in her cell phone. Make sure to sit down with her over coffee and give her the information you have gathered and explain to her how what is going on and explain what you will and will not do. Sometimes people need a helping hand and bailing on her without letting her know in advance kind of sets her up for failure and you. Just get some information together and maybe even take her to an AA meeting, as a friend. Just help her get started on the path and make it really clear that you cannot be her drunk ride. Look up the term enabling and make sure she knows you don't want to be a part of her drinking. You can't be expected to do more than set her on the right path.
kilt is offline  
Old 02-06-2011, 03:06 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 606
I agree that you should not go when called anymore. She is making the choice to drink rather than get help.

When she is ready to choose a better life, she will find the help she needs. In the meantime, you do not need to be dragged into the insanity.

You did a strong, and smart thing by ending your relationship with her. And by leaving her to her own solutions, you are helping her more than you know.
seekingcalm is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to seekingcalm For This Useful Post:
kudzujean (02-08-2011), theuncertainty (02-06-2011)
Old 02-06-2011, 03:42 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
xvg
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 9
Thanks a lot everyone. I got some great ideas in this thread. You are all super caring people and I wish you all the best with the things you are dealing with.
xvg is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to xvg For This Useful Post:
LexieCat (02-06-2011), seekingcalm (02-06-2011), TTOSBT (02-09-2011)
Old 02-06-2011, 04:31 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
"... She's been drinking a lot and keeps saying your name. Can you come pick her up...?"
I have known many people like this. They are called children. Except it's milk they drink and the name they keep saying is "Mommy." This young woman needs to grow up, and continuing to baby her will not help, it will only hurt matters.
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
atalose (02-08-2011), bookwyrm (02-07-2011), sailorjohn (02-06-2011), seekingcalm (02-07-2011), xvg (02-06-2011), zrx1200R (02-06-2011)
Old 02-06-2011, 04:58 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
How do YOU feel about this, besides guilty? Is she someone you would want as a friend? What are your other friends like? Do they act like she does?

Having compassion for someone (as it sounds like you do) doesn't mean you have to do whatever they want you to do. You can have compassion for a messed up girl from a safe distance.
Tuffgirl is offline  
Old 02-06-2011, 08:54 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
zrx1200R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Trying not to be a Negative Nelly here. But that whole sit down and discuss it with the drunk woman idea......that's crazy! You can not be reasonable with unreasonable people. How many of us have tried it with people we love and care about? Yet this is just a woman the poor guy went out with a few times. Hardly enough (IMHO) to support a heart to heart discussion and setting of an expectation bar.

The problem is not the woman is drinking. That is the woman's problem. The problem is the woman's friends are calling the guy. Address the real problem with any number of solutions. Problem solved. Try to help the woman....and then a whole new set of problems arise. Problems many of us are very, very familiar with.

Good luck.
zrx1200R is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to zrx1200R For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (02-07-2011), Cyranoak (02-06-2011), sailorjohn (02-11-2011), seekingcalm (02-07-2011), TTOSBT (02-09-2011)
Old 02-06-2011, 10:47 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,047
you are enabling her. it's textbook. you are bailing her out every time. stop bailing her out and she'll stop calling. keep it up, and next thing you know 10 years of your life will be gone. you aren't superman, she's not lois lane, and it's not your job to save her.
Cyranoak is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Cyranoak For This Useful Post:
brokenheartfool (02-08-2011), kudzujean (02-08-2011), onceuponatime2 (02-08-2011), sailorjohn (02-08-2011), seekingcalm (02-07-2011), zrx1200R (02-07-2011)
Old 02-07-2011, 10:51 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 143
Harsh

Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
I have known many people like this. They are called children. Except it's milk they drink and the name they keep saying is "Mommy." This young woman needs to grow up, and continuing to baby her will not help, it will only hurt matters.
LRL, I think you are being really harsh. The woman is an alcoholic not a baby. In our lowest hours we cry out to those that might help us (parents, gods, past lovers) and the person who reaches out to help us doesn't always make us weak, but sometimes saves us from ourselves.

I agree that the girl needs more than a lift home, but ignoring her and tossing her out like trash isn't going to solve the problem. He can help her find some resources to start on the path instead of leaving her in a situation where she might get behind the wheel of a car and kill someone.
kilt is offline  
Old 02-08-2011, 12:57 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
xvg
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 9
Good points all the way around. I think I'll research some resources she can call for help and tell her to save them in her phone just in case. Not sure how much good it will do but...

She got rid of her car a long time ago. And problem is that she has these slip ups when she's out and about on the town. She might stumble into traffic or one day run into someone who isn't such a good samaratin and gets beaten or raped. That kind of thinking isn't healthy, but it goes through my mind when I don't answer.

I also feel like I am the last person she can turn to...

On the other hand, I know I can't enable her forever. That won't be doing her any favors and could be just as destructive.
xvg is offline  
Old 02-08-2011, 03:53 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Carol Star's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Blog Entries: 2
But what is this costing you? If the police picked her up she may get the help she needs. It may wake her up.
Carol Star is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Carol Star For This Useful Post:
Ladybug0130 (02-10-2011), xvg (02-10-2011)
Old 02-08-2011, 11:45 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
sailorjohn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by kilt View Post
LRL, I think you are being really harsh.
Holding someones' hand while they drink themselves to death would be a little more than harsh, imo.

Originally Posted by kilt View Post
The woman is an alcoholic not a baby.
Absolutely, she's an adult. Adults take responsibility for the choices they make, right?


Originally Posted by kilt View Post
In our lowest hours we cry out to those that might help us (parents, gods, past lovers) and the person who reaches out to help us doesn't always make us weak, but sometimes saves us from ourselves.
And, we stop drinking. But I do understand where you're coming from, you're the one with the drinking problem, correct? Thing is, this is the Friends & Family Forum. Probably inappropriate for you to be commenting here, especially from your perspective.

Originally Posted by kilt View Post
I agree that the girl needs more than a lift home, but ignoring her and tossing her out like trash isn't going to solve the problem. He can help her find some resources to start on the path instead of leaving her in a situation where she might get behind the wheel of a car and kill someone.
That was the metaphor you chose, I thought the "milk and Mommy" thing was spot on and nowhere near the phrase you used, you may or may not appreciate what I'm going to tell you next.

My ex-an alcoholic/crack addict-used almost the same phrase with me on more than one occasion, I was treating her like a 'piece of sh*t' simply because I was leaving her. And I was leaving for the usual reasons, self preservation being number one, and the second being that I wasn't helping by treating her like a spoiled child, not allowing her to experience the natural consequences of her choices.

Apologies to the OP for the hijack.
sailorjohn is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to sailorjohn For This Useful Post:
atalose (02-08-2011), bookwyrm (02-08-2011), desertgirl (02-08-2011), Ladybug0130 (02-10-2011), LexieCat (02-08-2011), onceuponatime2 (02-08-2011), wicked (02-08-2011), xvg (02-10-2011)
Old 02-08-2011, 04:50 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by kilt View Post
LRL, I think you are being really harsh. The woman is an alcoholic not a baby. In our lowest hours we cry out to those that might help us (parents, gods, past lovers) and the person who reaches out to help us doesn't always make us weak, but sometimes saves us from ourselves.

I agree that the girl needs more than a lift home, but ignoring her and tossing her out like trash isn't going to solve the problem. He can help her find some resources to start on the path instead of leaving her in a situation where she might get behind the wheel of a car and kill someone.
This is an EX g/f, not someone he lives with, or is married to. He dated her briefly. Not picking her up because she's drunk is hardly "tossing her out like trash." It is merely declining to get sucked further into someone else's drama, which is of her own making and which she apparently has no current interest in giving up.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
brokenheartfool (02-08-2011), JACKRUSSELLGIRL (02-08-2011), Ladybug0130 (02-10-2011), onceuponatime2 (02-08-2011), TTOSBT (02-09-2011), xvg (02-10-2011)
Old 02-08-2011, 06:02 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
This is an EX g/f, not someone he lives with, or is married to. He dated her briefly. Not picking her up because she's drunk is hardly "tossing her out like trash." It is merely declining to get sucked further into someone else's drama, which is of her own making and which she apparently has no current interest in giving up.
Lexie, they are friends or at least the girl seems to think so and the guy certainly has confirmed this by acting as a friend. Since he has established, by his past actions, that he is someone she can count on for ride, if he wants to cease getting those calls and keep her out of trouble, he needs to sit down and explain it to her. Ideally, he would give her some alternatives to calling him (find out what drunk ride services are available in her area) instead of letting her think he can be counted upon only to find out, when she is in a potentially dangerous situation, that he cannot. I have no problem with someone drawing boundaries. I do have a problem with someone quietly drawing a boundary and not letting the person it effects know.
kilt is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to kilt For This Useful Post:
xvg (02-10-2011)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:09 PM.