boomerlady

I've been attending al-anon meetings regularly for the last 4 yrs. Recently, I told my sponsor that I wanted to leave my AH of over 30 yrs. She's been very unsupportive ever since I told her. She's told me several times that "he feels he's going to be criticized no matter what he does"! Oh, poor poor criticized man...LOL. Anyway, she told me this very thing today, and I told her that I hardly ever criticize him because when I do he says "I'm trying to start something" or I just know it falls on deaf ears. She said, "yes, but your body language tells him that you are critical!" What the hell can I do about that? When your AH is non-communicative, which all are, how can your body language NOT show your frustration. I told her that, and she said yes, she knew that was why my body language showed it. Mind you, this sponsor has only been around my AH and I together maybe 3 times over the last 2 years. So, how can she make such ridiculous statements since this is just one of many. I want to look at the statements critically, but I can't bring myself to feel sorry for AH. What else could she hope to accomplish with such statements? My daughter says that maybe I should distance myself from her. My counselor says maybe this brings up bad memories for her. She's been very supportive in dealing with an active AH, but now that I'm telling her I don't want to anymore, she seems to be on his side. To top it all off, she's divorced from an AH and now remarried to a non-alcoholic.

Al-anon has been a great thing for me in general and helped me tremendously to stay sane while living with my activce AH. I'm confused as to why she's turning around and acting like his ally now that I don't want to live with this mess any longer. I know my situation is not the worst AH situation ever, but that doesn't mean that I'm happy living with him.

Anybody have a similar experience with a sponsor or friend?

LexieCat

Sure, it's called "projecting". Often it's an issue they had to deal with, themselves, and they tend to see it in other people even when it isn't there.

Let me ask you this, is she supportive in other ways? If so, she still might be a good sponsor IF you set a boundary. Sponsors aren't meant to tell you what to do. Maybe you could try saying, "Well, this is a decision *I* must make, and while I appreciate your thoughts, we seem to disagree on this decision. Can we just focus on me, and not on how my husband feels?" If she doesn't seem to be able to accept that without criticism maybe it's time to find a new sponsor.

lillamy

That right there raises 200 red flags for me. An Al-Anon sponsor who's focused on not hurting the feelings of your AH? That's not right. Which leads me to believe that your counselor might be onto something -- I know that whenever I've given really sh***y advice, it's usually been because the situation has triggered something in me and I've sort of tried to give advice to someone else almost as if I could go and get a re-do of my own mistakes through the advice...

I'm glad you're sticking to your guns, though. You obviously haven't come to this conclusion lightly, and you seem to be having your focus in the right place -- on you. Do you think maybe your sponsor is trying to make sure you don't think that "if I just divorce him, I'll be fine"?

I never felt pressured by my Al-Anon people to do anything -- that's what I love about my group. I guess at times, I did feel like people were "redirecting" me to me when I got into the mindset of "OMG, it's all his fault, if only I weren't married to an A, I'd be totally great" and forgetting that I actually had developed coping mechanisms that were unhealthy.

The other thing I can imagine (I'm trying to be gracious here) is that maybe your sponsor feels like you haven't yet built up the strength in yourself to make the decision for the right reasons? (Just reading your posts here suggests that you have, but what do I know?).

I did have other people in my life discouraging my divorce. Mostly on religious grounds. You know, the "for better for worse" part and the "wives, submit to your husbands" stuff. They are no longer in my life.

zrx1200R

Nor from a sponsor, but a friend. This person was not a close friend. He was a co-worker/supervisor I respected. He knew I'd been having some problems, and extended an invitation if I ever "needed someone". I called him one day, looking for some help. He suggested I come over after work. I was working a late shift and suggested another day. he was insistent to come on over at the late hour.

I laid out my problems with my wife, her drinking, and my plan to leave her. This person I completely respected and his wife told me calmly and clearly that I was wrong, and I should stay. That I had brought 2 little ones into this world and my duty and obligation were to them. They had both divorced before and were adamant that I should stay, gave me many reasons.

I took that advice and started trying to deal with my situation. That was over 15 years ago.

Not sure if it was right or wrong. It was just an opinion. However, had I not taken their advice, I am certain they would have supported my decision.

Your sponsor sounds misguided.

boomerlady

Thank you both for your comments. I like your idea, LexieCat, of setting a boundary with her to keep the focus on me and not him.

Lillamy, I also think the counselor is on to something. I like your gracious way of saying that maybe my sponsor thinks that I haven't built up strength in myself to make the decision for the right reasons. Maybe I should ask her if that's what she's really saying? I just don't know why she doesn't tell me that in a nice way if that's what she feels. I could take that kind of criticism because I would feel she was trying to help me make a good decision.

Her telling me ridiculous things like this and how I've been married so long to him that I may feel like I've cut off one of my arms when I leave him....etc.....don't make me feel supported. Sure I know that I'll have a period of adjustment as anyone in my situation would have, but I also know that I don't see any other solution. My AH doesn't think he is an alcoholic and just recently told me that. He doesn't believe in counseling of any kind because he would have to look at himself and he despises that idea. He doesn't talk to me about his feelings and doesn't want to hear about mine. I've had over 30 yrs to think about this, and try to make it work. I'm at my wits end and quite happy that I feel strong enough to get the hell outta a here. I'm finally confident that I can survive quite well without him. He's not a bad person and like all human beings, he has good and bad in him. He's just not a man who can ever truly be a loving spouse and partner....he already has a lover of many years in his bottle.

As my counselor said, why would you want to stay? She said you've already shown that you can suffer for a very long time. I say amen to that!! My life is shorter everyday and I deserve to be happy with my decisions in life and marrying him was definitely one of the worst decisions I ever made. Having said that...I know I cannot take back that time and I certainly grew from my experiences with him. I know that I will still need to work on myself after divorce and continue in my recovery indefinitely. I also want to feel perfectly okay alone before getting involved with anyone after divorce.

My road ahead will be tough, but staying in an active alcoholic marriage is tougher. If I can survive over 30 years with my AH, I can certainly survive divorce. I plan to do more than survive though...I plan to thrive afterwards.

LexieCat

Lillamy did exactly what I always do in these situations--take a look at whether I'm possibly misinterpreting the message or the motives. I know I've done that. Sometimes I feel attacked or criticized by so many people it's easy to hear criticism when it isn't intended.

But it sounds as if you've got your head on VERY straight, boomerlady--you wear four years of Al-Anon nicely!

Glad you are making good, healthy decisions for yourself.

johnnymau

I agree with Lexie, you seem to know what you want and are clear about your motivations. Perhaps you have outgrown your sponsor.

That said, have you done a 4th or 10th Step on your resentments toward your husband, and looked at your part? If not, that might give you some additional clarity (and resolve) about your decision to leave.

wicked

I think you could try to talk to her about boundaries here, but this kind of hyperbole has got to stop.
Leaving an alcoholic is like cutting off an arm?
How about you will lose a lot of dead weight that is holding you down?
You see why I am not a sponsor.
I am recovering, and this kind of help, would keep me ill.

Beth

johnnymau

LOL! I beg to differ, Wicked, you would be an awesome sponsor!

keepinon

I haved moved on from one sponsor who was really helpful for a period of time, but then MY hackles were up when she was saying things like"It's like a chess game, plan you next move" and i was like..I'm DONE playing games..this is not what i want.went to a counselor, resolved the problem with her help..sponsors are only people and bring their own "stuff" to the table..people change sponsors all the time..it's even in the How to Choose a Sponsor brochure!

LexieCat

Good point. Someone who is JUST what you need when you are brand new might be less than helpful once you have some good recovery and are moving forward at a good pace.

boomerlady

thanks again for the many comments. Wicked I love your analogy about losing dead weight that is holding me down rather than feeling like I lost an arm! It's so true, and I've been so taken back by these crazy remarks she has made. Thank you Johnny and keepinon for your comments about seeking another sponsor and wearing al-anon nicely,. I have started my 4th step but haven't completed it because i'm stuck on the anger section....small wonder...huh! One fellow al-anoner, with an active AH for more years than I, told me that she just couldn't complete that part of step 4. Maybe I should just do what I can on that part and move on to the rest. Right now though I suppose I should decide to seek another sponsor or not before doing that. I'm not sure that I can get past some of the hurtful (IMHO) things she's said to me. However I feel I should sit down and discuss my feelings with her like an adult and set a boundary about not talking about AH's feelings. If she still insist on bringing up ridiculous ideas and considering him first, then I could move on. What do ya'll think? Ooops, the Texan came out in that question..lol.

Is it wise to complete my 4th step before separating from the active AH when I've reached my limit? I feel that i'll have plenty of time after divorce to work on it and I won't give up on al-anon now or afterwards. I guess I'm saying that I'm just tired after so many years of this and I'm ready for some relief from the burden or dead weight.

transformyself

Amen. Sponsors, just like therapists, are humans with issues.

We are full of ancient wisdom. You know what's best for you, and yest perhaps you've outgrown her.

johnnymau

The 4th Step is a great tool, but you definitely want to do it with someone with whom you trust and respect their opinions. It sounds like your current sponsor might not be that person for you at the moment.

I am a big fan of creating “pros and cons” lists when trying to make decisions…it helps me to focus on the most pertinent elements of any given situation or relationship while clearing away extraneous emotionality and confusion. You might want to try it on the issues of staying with your sponsor and/or husband. Although it does seem like you might not be able to come up with any “pros” for your AH!

So if that is the case, and you decide you really have reached your limit with your AH, then maybe it is time to honor that. And you are right, the 4th Step would still be lots of help after the fact.

CSHNow

You don't need her permission or anyone else's, so it doesn't really matter. It's YOUR life.

Learn2Live

Boomerlady, are you looking for support from your sponsor, or agreement? Because there is a huge difference. I have learned that I often would seek out agreement from others about my situation, in order to feel better or stronger about a decision I had made for my life. But most people I know do not want to be put in that position. Because chances are difficulties may arise from a decision I make, and no one wants to place themselves in the position of blame. I have had to learn to make my decisions about my life completely on my own.

lillamy

Um... about that bolded part? Maybe you will. And so what? I do. 20 years of life isn't something you can just erase. It's not as easy as just trading in a car or moving out of a house where you've lived for 20 years. It's more like realizing the house where you've lived for 20 years is on friggin fire and you'd better get out or you're gonna burn with it. That's how it was for me. There was no joy or sense of vindication with leaving. I was sad and I did feel like I had lost an arm. But it was losing an arm or dying a slow and painful death for me.

boomerlady

I'm not looking for agreement from my sponsor but support. I don't mind her telling me that it's going to be a hard adjustment after being married so long. I just don't want her to bring doom and gloom to the whole situation before it even happens. Sure divorce is a bad thing and I know that or I would have gone that route a long time ago! This was not a hasty decision for me by any stretch. She doesn't have to act excited for me or be in agreement. I just want her support through the process, especially since she's been there with an active AH in the past. One friend thinks my sponsor has forgotten what it was like to be married to an AH. I don't know what her issue is but please save the comments about HIS feelings for someone else.

Thanks for all the great comments and suggestions!! I'm going to have a talk with her before finding another sponsor. I will also do a pros and cons list for both her and my AH.

Cyranoak

it's out of line for her to take a position on this. completely out of line, and not consistent with al-anon and the 12 steps in any way.

keepinon

I just let my sponsor relationship die a natural death..I see her all the time at meeting and we get along well, but I no longer go to her for advice..Personally I'd hold off on the 4th step..you want to do a thorough job and it sounds like now isn't the time..you will probably be more clear in a little while..when in doubt..don't! Trust yourself..