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What is Up With This

Old 02-05-2011, 05:37 PM
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What is Up With This

Ok, I am doing very good at trying to make my plan of exit. The house will be going on the market next month and hopefully will sell quickly. I told him that we can try and live here until it sells but that we need to separate.

Tonight on his way to work he says, why don't I take next weekend off and we go away and then tries to kiss me goodbye. WTF, is he not listening to me at all?? I do not get it. One minute he seems to agree about what is happening and the next he acts like we are still together.

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Old 02-05-2011, 05:41 PM
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WTF, is he not listening to me at all??
Oh, i think he hears you just fine JRG.
He chooses to ignore it.
You keep doing what you need to do.
Do not go back to crazyland to try to explain to the clown.

Beth
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Old 02-05-2011, 05:46 PM
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He is thinking that if he gets all agreeable and lovey-dovey, you'll change your mind and continue on. Don't let him do it because you know it's all just an attempt at manipulation. Stick to your plans regarding your exit.
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:04 PM
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Ew. My AH tried to kiss me the other day just to see if there was still anything there - I pushed him away.

Yuck.
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:09 PM
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That is what I am thinking, he is trying to smooth it over and get me to change my mind. So what do I do next? It just feels so awkward now. I turned my head when he went to kiss me goodbye. This just feels so strange because I always kiss him goodbye. I feel so confused because on one hand, I feel good about my decision and on the other hand, following through is going to be tough.

How long did you have to live in a house with the A after you decided you were done and how did you get through that period of time?

My daughter said, let's try and make it as normal as we can until the house sells. Something tells me that is going to be hard.
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Old 02-05-2011, 07:00 PM
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When my XABF was in rehab, I told him that everything was backwards, I needed space, and if he wanted to continue things we'd have to start over from the VERY beginning, small dates, him live at his mothers instead of with me, no staying over the weekends, etc, just to take things slow.

So he proposed to me when I went down during weekend visiting hours.

They hear, and do the opposite, to try and keep you hooked in.
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Old 02-05-2011, 07:12 PM
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Stay strong. They say and do anything to get what they want. He has nothing to loose by trying every trick in the book to get you to change your mind. Be prepared for flowers, chocolates, vacation tickets. Anything to try and warm your heart.

In his mind, probably even his subconscious mind, he is plotting and maneuvering to try and win you back. Why not! life was good when he was with you.

Mine was able to say EXACTLY what I needed to hear. She used all the right words for the situation and talked me out of leaving multiple times. I was a sucker for her manipulation.

Man, I wish I had this forum back then. I was all alone, and kept thinking I really was the problem. I didn't know about "projection", manipulation, and I never knew anyone who could tell such bold faced lies. It is just not in me to lie like that. Now I know she will lie when the truth will suffice. Watch out for lies. They are so common, and you simply can't win an argument with a liar. They are not constrained by the realities honest people are bound by.
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Old 02-05-2011, 07:19 PM
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This guy has constructed his own little world and in this little world of his, things happen as he wants them to happen. Your needs, thoughts, desires are not considered in this world. It is the nature of addictions, and addicted people are very controlling and self-centered. He can't hear you.

You're doing just fine. Don't worry about what HE does or what HE says or how HE reacts. Keep the focus on YOU. It feels weird because it is weird. Changing one's habits and reorganizing one's universe is disorienting. There's no way through it but just going through it. I finally realize this is what "one day at a time" means.

Is there any other living arrangement that can be made during this time? It might be easier on you to make a clean break versus trying to continue to live together with a house on the market hanging between you. As much as I HATE the idea of living again with Mommy at my age - it was far more beneficial to my sanity to get away for a while.
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Old 02-05-2011, 07:38 PM
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Originally Posted by zrx1200R View Post
I didn't know about "projection", manipulation, and I never knew anyone who could tell such bold faced lies.
Strangely enough, I learned all this from XABF.
I got to see them in action, then watch as he accused me of all of them instead.
I learned all about psycho-babble from him. I was constantly accused of "projecting" my flaws onto him, being codependent (he is, too - unless you get too close, then he's "entitled"), manipulating, lying, etc, etc, etc.
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL View Post
Tonight on his way to work he says, why don't I take next weekend off and we go away and then tries to kiss me goodbye. WTF, is he not listening to me at all?? I do not get it. One minute he seems to agree about what is happening and the next he acts like we are still together.

I was in your situation not very long ago. Thought I was going to make my exit when the house sold, and did my planning to get out. Somehow, I got caught up in his hope that something new might work out better in a new town, new place and here I am in the new house.

I can tell you now that it was because HE had no plans for us to end the relationship and I'd counted on him being on the same page. What I've learned since spending more time here is that if you expect him to be onboard with you, it likely won't happen. I believe that when the actual ending is near, the addict is on his best behavior in order to make sure that it DOESN'T happen. Even if there is a part of him that knows it's for the best, he's too afraid for the change.

This is where 'the courage to change what you can' comes into play. You need to dig deep to find that courage right now, or nothing will change. It hasn't for me. Same situation, different house.
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:16 PM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
Do not go back to crazyland to try to explain to the clown.

Beth
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:49 PM
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Stay strong to your resolve.
i lived a horrible couple of months waiting for my XAP to save enough to pay bond and rent fo rhis own place. he tried cooking me dinner, sitting down to watch TV with me, initiating conversations.

In the end I refused to engage in conversations with him. I stopped cooking for him and let him know he needed to buy his own food and cook it. I stopped washing his clothes.
I removed all of his clothes from the wradrobe and put them in the spare room where he slept for the last 5 weeks. I cancelled the spare mobile phone I was paying for that he carried and used. I told all my friends, family and my boss what was happening. i refused to give him the cash to move out.

He didn't utter a word the day he finally moved out and handed me the key and I have not spoken to him since. It was very very hard but not as hard as if we had still kept living the lie our relationship had begun.

Most importantly i came and posted every day on SR.
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Old 02-06-2011, 09:18 AM
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The good thing is I really feel like this is going to be the end of this crap. I am starting to see visons of arriving on the other side. A peaceful life without an A trying to manipulate everything. I know once he realizes that his manipulation tatics are not going to work, I will see a different person. This is what I do not want to deal with, the friggin DRAMA. I will just have to wait and see and lean on you guys to help me through.

Wish me Luck!!
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Old 02-06-2011, 12:09 PM
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Mine kept threatening to leave, left a few times... Then I asked him to go.
I am still asking him to go.
He pretends we are a family unit when it serves him, then I hardline him and he says, see.. This is why I'm leaving.
I get stuck and go into denial, tho, too. I have less resolve right now than you.
When he warms up, acts right, admits he is wrong, I still ocassionally melt into the fantasy w him.
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