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What kind of Alcoholic was your A?

Old 02-05-2011, 01:42 PM
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What kind of Alcoholic was your A?

Something I've noticed on here, I don't read a lot of stories that seem like mine but people probably aren't posting the details.

My A is 48 years old and is a huge partier. It's just "friends! friends! friends!!!" 24/7 like a 20-year-old that's out of control. So much that he would scream it a lot when he was going nuts, "I gotta have my friends!!!" To everyone else he was happy-go-lucky and funny party guy like Chris Farley (only not as funny) but behind closed doors, a sad and angry shell.

Mine used to be married and had a house and spent his weekends working in the yard, but at some point turned into this...so I don't really know what he was for sure...just what I heard.

Did anyone else have an A that was just party! party! party! like that? And obsessed with friends like a teenage boy? I never read anything like that here.
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Old 02-05-2011, 01:49 PM
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Well, my A and I were younger...in our mid 30s, but yeah, he could not stand to be alone. He got off work a couple of hours before I got home and if he was at home, he was asleep. Otherwise, he was at some friend's house. I think that's sad because, to me, it means that they don't really like themselves very much. They can't entertain themselves and be comfortable alone.
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Old 02-05-2011, 01:54 PM
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Hm,

My first husband was an insanely self-destructive person--the kind of guy who would punch walls or signs when he was angry (never threatening toward others)--talked a lot about dying young and stuff. He got sober when he was 21 (and has stayed that way for 31 years--sober, that is). My second husband would run hot and cold--a jovial, convivial drunk most of the time, but also capable of hostility and anger with fits of shouting. Neither one was abusive toward me, though the second one could be hurtful. The emotional abuser in my life scarcely ever drank, didn't use drugs--he was just a garden-variety screwed-up person with whom I became enmeshed.
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Old 02-05-2011, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Well, my A and I were younger...in our mid 30s, but yeah, he could not stand to be alone. He got off work a couple of hours before I got home and if he was at home, he was asleep. Otherwise, he was at some friend's house. I think that's sad because, to me, it means that they don't really like themselves very much. They can't entertain themselves and be comfortable alone.
Yeah that was the weird thing about my A. He would go on about how he liked to be alone and always thought he would "end up living in a lighthouse." I thought huh? He seemed obsessed with NOT being alone.
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Old 02-05-2011, 02:26 PM
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My ex was always party! party! party! as well. So much he moved right above and across the street from two popular college bars. He is 34 and made friends with college girls in the area and would go out with them. He was just the drunk old man that was the life of the party. I would tell him that college girls were just using him to buy them beer and he didnt care, he continued hanging out with them. I use to think my ex was trying to sleep with these girls until they would bring their boyfriends out with them and still invite him as well because he bought everyone drinks and would entertain everyone with how drunk and stupid he would act. He also befriended younger guy friends (10 to 15 years younger than him) because all his friends his age were long gone, married with kids. He would do everything with these younger guys, eat, drink, go to the gym-they were attached at the hip until they got girlfriends. He is still friends with most of these younger people. He was all about doing all activities that involved beer like a frat boy. Sometimes, I just thought he had "peter pan syndrome" and didnt want to grow up but now I know he needed a lifestyle that let him live comfortably with his disease.
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Old 02-05-2011, 02:30 PM
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my AH sounds similar to yours, goldengirl. He loves people and thinks that anyone who comes to our home, whether to work on it or whatever, is coming to see him and be entertained by him! He does the same with a group of friends that we mutally have...he's the source of entertainment in his mind. The more he drinks the more he talks and usually it's just quack, quack, quack. He's either boasting about himself or telling a story that's he's embellished for the sake of his listeners. To me after a few drinks, he can be rude and hard to deal with, to others, he's the life of the party whether there is a party or not. He fools many people and many are surprised that he's an AH...that is those who are not familiar with other AHs. He's also obsessed with not being alone and has made comments about others being doomed to be alone. I know this will come up when I file for divorce. It's amazing to me though that the AH can look at it like that since we are truly alone ourselves the whole time we stay with them. They don't participate in the relationship in anyway shape or form, but they don't mind leaving us to deal with everything alone.
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Old 02-05-2011, 02:52 PM
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duq, did your ABF work? I've been following your threads but can't remember. I can't imagine being that age and having an adult job and hanging around a bunch of college people.
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Old 02-05-2011, 02:58 PM
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They don't participate in the relationship in anyway shape or form, but they don't mind leaving us to deal with everything alone.
I felt like my ex participated in NO way whatsoever at the end. Anyone else feel that way? That's why it was easy for me to leave, I felt like I was getting nothing out of it. And he had this list about me that he was unhappy with and I remembered asking him more than once, what do I get? And his answer was, "Me!!" And I wondered what in the world made him think he was so special that I was supposed to do all the work, be griped at all the time, and work on this stupid list of things he didn't like about me...and all he had to do with grace me with his moody presence? lol.
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Old 02-05-2011, 03:03 PM
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He worked in outside sales but only would work 3 hours a day. He worked off mostly commission so no one cared how much he worked because you can push yourself to make alot of money or work a little and make little money. Of course, he chose to work only a few hours per day and quit and go home to lay around and not make much money. The only reason he could go out and party like that was because he would rest up all week when everyone else was at work. Then he would be ready to go for the weeked. It was very stressful for me because I worked 40 hours a week and could never keep up. I would want to rest on a friday night after a full work week and he was itching to go out because he slept all week. I dont think he could hold down a full time job if he tried. If he ever lost that easy job, I think his life would be over because its the only thing that keeps him able to live that kind of lifestyle because most adults have to work 40+ hours.
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:06 PM
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I felt like my ex participated in NO way whatsoever at the end. Anyone else feel that way? That's why it was easy for me to leave, I felt like I was getting nothing out of it. And he had this list about me that he was unhappy with and I remembered asking him more than once, what do I get?
This is my AH too. Usually very quiet, totally self contained. He interacts very little with anyone, family or friends. He does try to make conversation, but since all he does is drink and has no hobbies, he doesn't have much to talk about.

For almost all our marriage I receieved nothing, no I love yous unless I said it 1st, probably 4 compliments in 18 yrs, only went out if it was something he wanted to do and had to involve alcohol. Refused dates with me towards the end, even extravagant things like a night at the beach. Refused to do anything I enjoy because he didn't like it. Refused to do things he used to like because he's too far gone. When I asked him what I was getting he said finacial stability. That after 5 yrs of only getting paid 60% of the time. Some months there would be no income, sometimes 1/2. Yeah Thanks.

He's usually a quiet drunk except when he feels like arguing, then I will hear my list of faults.
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:17 PM
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
I felt like my ex participated in NO way whatsoever at the end. Anyone else feel that way? That's why it was easy for me to leave, I felt like I was getting nothing out of it. And he had this list about me that he was unhappy with and I remembered asking him more than once, what do I get? And his answer was, "Me!!" And I wondered what in the world made him think he was so special that I was supposed to do all the work, be griped at all the time, and work on this stupid list of things he didn't like about me...and all he had to do with grace me with his moody presence? lol.
You could be describing my XABF perfectly here.

Mine was always talking about how he was comfortable alone, but to be honest he was only comfortable if he was feeding one of his addictions.
Alcohol, me, or spending money.
So he could go to the bookstore or the toy store for hours, but he always bought a lot of stuff. He was afraid to be home alone, and towards the end wouldn't go anywhere without me.
He was emotionally and verbally abusive. Wasn't very physical - when I started jumping out of his car he'd start grabbing my arm really hard, and he'd always slap my shoulder if he was on the phone and thought he was being clever - "Make sure you're paying attention! I'm being really smart here!" was basically what it meant.

He wasn't a partier, he was a quiet drinker. When he went to a bar or dinner he'd never order more two shots - usually he'd only order a single shot - but the cashiers in all the liquor stores knew him, and his favorite one (closest to my apartment) started buying crateloads of half pints of Seagram's Seven and keep them well stocked because that's what he always bought (and usually three a day). Everyone else usually carried mostly the pints.

That's pretty sad, when a liquor store's ordering practices changes because of one person, but it did.
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Old 02-05-2011, 11:05 PM
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My EX alcoholic was a loner, mostly drank in solitude but any party wa an excuse to get smashed too. ( hey its a party!!)

mostly he was an alcohlic in denial. he knew he drank a lot but he never ever took a sick day off, was quite fit so "functioned" every day at work which was his justification.

....never mind he went bankrupt lost a 30 year marriage , followed by me on the rebound which ended too but hey if us two women hadn't been such demanding controlling bitches it would have worked!!

Ahhhh The freedom from all that is so peaceful.
thank you SR
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Old 02-06-2011, 06:28 AM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I think that's sad because, to me, it means that they don't really like themselves very much. They can't entertain themselves and be comfortable alone.
Wish that were true in my case. My ABF does almost ALL of his drinking at home. He drinks hard liquor - straight. He's not interested in having a couple of beers with the guys, and if he's out, he can't wait to get back to the 'safety' of his home, where he can drink himself into oblivion and be close to his bed when he needs to get there. He's hard core. He can entertain himself and is comfortable alone, but I don't think it matters either way how they do it. The fact that they do, is really the sad part

As for Golden Girl's question. I think that most people use alcohol as a crutch, to be able to socialize, and when that social aspect is not there, there is no point. Also - IMO many alcoholics suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder and alcohol is initially what helps them come out of those shells.
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:14 AM
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He's an a****** to his family. He gets on the phone and calls EVERYBODY who will talk to him, even guys he was in a band with when he was 23 (he is 44 now), goes outside and talks to the neighbors he can't stand when he's sober, tries to make our 12 year old daughter play basketball (she's got no interest in sports), and talks about how much fun he had "back in the day".
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:23 AM
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My ex was a quiet drinker. He was nice when he drank, open, loving, friendly and just a happy guy. He rarely got drunk around me, but would do it during the week at home, at night.
This is when he was alone and had the time to think. Thinking for him meant feeling his shame and low self worth and to reduce stress. When he stopped drinking, he still was left with all his feelings so to reduce stress, he took up "women hunting" (I wish he never stopped drinking actually)
He was never an ahole when he drank, but more of an ahole when he wasn't self medicating.
And when I say ahole, I mean, lying, gaslighting, emotionally mean, verbally mean.
He's been sober 2 yrs now and in step group a few months and we are no longer together, but email here and there and he tries to be nice, but still has a tone of pain and self hatred.
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Old 02-06-2011, 09:54 AM
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Boomerlady- do you know my husband? He is the entertainer and a good actor. But you are right, deep down I don't think he really likes himself. He loves a party but prefers to drink alone and listen to the same music or watch the same movie over and over again. He also many OCD tendencies and I often wonder just how much of the alcoholism is tied into that. My AH is a wonderful father and a supportive husband. Kind, loving, talented when he is sober. Boisterous and obnoxious when he drinks but not hurtful. Responsible most of the time. He "earned" his drinking time by doing everything he was supposed to first. I think he feels he can control his drinking but from my perspective it is controlling him. Now all he wants is to do what he wants when he wants-which does not make for a good partner. This I have come to realize. He has been telling me in his actions and words. Why did it take me so long to believe him?
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Old 02-06-2011, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
I never read anything like that here.
When I first came here, the thing that struck me the most in reading all the stories in the F&F section, is how alcoholics/addicts all talk/act the same way.

Nothing unique there.

I think the only difference between one alcoholic and another is where they happen to be on the Jellinek Curve.
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Old 02-06-2011, 01:53 PM
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Did anyone else have or currenly have a partner that only binged excessively on the weekends while they were out and then didnt touch it all week long? That was how my ex was and I like to hear other people's stories that dealt with that because most people on here have A's that drink all week long
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted by jamaicamecrazy View Post
Boomerlady- do you know my husband? He is the entertainer and a good actor. But you are right, deep down I don't think he really likes himself. He loves a party but prefers to drink alone and listen to the same music or watch the same movie over and over again. He also many OCD tendencies and I often wonder just how much of the alcoholism is tied into that. My AH is a wonderful father and a supportive husband. Kind, loving, talented when he is sober. Boisterous and obnoxious when he drinks but not hurtful. Responsible most of the time. He "earned" his drinking time by doing everything he was supposed to first. I think he feels he can control his drinking but from my perspective it is controlling him. Now all he wants is to do what he wants when he wants-which does not make for a good partner. This I have come to realize. He has been telling me in his actions and words. Why did it take me so long to believe him?
Oh my gosh - I could have written almost all of this!! I am still coming to complete grips with who my AH is and it is only since I have joined this board (just today) that I have actually had the "balls" to call him my Alcoholic Husband. It was so confusing to me at first that such a wonderful man that I love could wear such a title - it was very hard to accept.

Anyway - he is A LOT like yours. He admits that alcohol is his demon, but does not admit that it is a problem and truly believes that once he has stopped for the night, that tomorrow should go on like nothing ever happened. He is a big time "poor me" drinker, which is now pouring over into his non-drinking hours too. He drinks at home and prefers it and more than half the time he plugs himself into the computer and gets all nostaglic over music which makes him drink even more. Sometimes he gets so highly charged emotionally with the two combined, that I have had to beg him to leave me alone. This includes crying (usually feeling sorry for himself), or drunken claims how "deep" and philosophical he is. When he is not drinking, he is an excellent father, but has been slipping a little in the husband department. He was kind, loving, and talented before alcohol took over, and I still see the old him under this dirty exterior he has created for himself, but right now, I barely know who my husband is anymore. For him, the more he drinks, the more it is all about him and only lately there are days when I barely know I exist on his radar. The alcohol has made his selfishness as a spouse almost all consuming. He does snap out of it once in a blue moon and treats me suddenly with love and respect like he did when he didn't drink. Luckily, our girls are still the apple of his eye.
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:20 PM
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What is it about drinking that can turn someone into all about them? I can understand if they are wanting to sit around and be inebriated all the time how that can become all about them, but there seems to be a lot of the same stories of how we were all supposed to watch their movies, eat at their restaurants, or just do what they wanted. That's just bizarre to me.
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