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What kind of Alcoholic was your A?

Old 02-06-2011, 07:34 PM
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I guess alcohol changes the structure of your brain after awhile and your thinking process. I am guessing that since they become selfish about alcohol that everything else that they think about that is non-alcohol related follows suit?
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:35 PM
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How funny that you see the same thing. We used to joke around about his crying. He was always remembering when the kids were little or his brother or how beautiful a song was. It was emotionally exhausting trying to be with him. And when I was holding on by a thread because both my children were leaving home I could not be compassionate or share the constant emotion with him. He would start using a catch phrase and when we laughed the first few times he would say it 100 times and would get hurt feelings if we asked him to stop, saying we were trying to stifle who he was. He would tell the same story over and over again to each new person he met. He never was a "woe is me" kind of person but the last few years he was full of "if only". "if only" his parents had encouraged him to go to college. "If only" he had gone to a different piano teacher he might have been a great musician. "If only" he had had a chance to tour the firehouse when he was 10 he would have known his true calling. "if only" I appreciated him more...you get the picture. And as far as the husband department...what do you think happens to a 50 year old man who has drank for the past 35 years? He never blamed me for that but I know it devastated him and he just stopped trying at all. Yes he is still a good father and that part of your husband you should acknowledge and be grateful for. Glad you found this board and hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:36 PM
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My X used to be the life of the party, used to host parties at his house and knew everyone and was sort of like the instigator for all kinds of fun. But when he got married, it was like he transferred all his needs for everything onto me. (And when I type that, I see myself as an emotional equivalent of a Nepali Sherpa, loaded high with emotional burdens for very little pay, so that the Amazing Mountaineer can climb the mountain and get all the glory...)

He started by laying down the law that he didn't want people stopping by the house without calling first, that that wasn't how things are done in this country. Then bit by bit, he stopped inviting people over. And started complaining about my friends and giving me the Spanish Inquisition about why I was friends with them. And pretty soon, we were isolated -- me taking care of the house and the kids and him watching TV and drinking till he fell asleep every night. Good times.

I don't know if there's any difference in quality of life whether your A is a partier or a hermit. I think it's just different kinds of hell.
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:56 PM
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I agree with you lillamy. I think there are different versions of hell that you can live in when you are with an alcoholic partner. Sometimes I wished he would have just gotten drunk at home instead of at the bar because then at least I didnt have to chase him all over the bar and the streets. But, I'm sure its equally as hellish within your own home to watch someone pass out in the living room. This is sad but when would go out, I would get an excitment like a kid on christmas when it was "last call"....I knew my night of hell was soon over. Now, I can barely be out in a bar for more than an hour or two. I hate that I let someone else's drinking habits make me feel bitter about going into bars now...
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Old 02-06-2011, 09:20 PM
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In the beginning my xah spent long weekends away hunting, fishing, and golfing with his brother and friends. Lots of day trips hunting. Road hunting and drinking is such a good combo :afraid: He played softball with his friends, which always involved alcohol and stops at the bar. He went to the bar a lot.

As time progressed he golfed more and did the other things less. More and more he just stayed home and drank. This is partly because I seperated our funds, partly because he had a job he hated and didn't have the same co-worker base, and also his brother used to pay for tons of stuff but he had a child of his own and stopped doing a lot of that. Towards the end of our relationship (last couple of years) he isolated himself in the basement a lot. He'd pass out early most nights he didn't work and then got up again. He wasn't mean or abusive or even that hard to get along with. He is actually easy to get along with. He was grumpy more and more because he drank so much more, every day, earlier in the day. He was unhappy as well.

He is an good person - easy to get along with - decent values, which is why I married him, but even with that it is devestating to be married to someone that follows the voice of alcohol over the well being of their family day after day, year after year.

My friends and his got along less well. They didn't argue or anything but he is hard to talk to because he doesn't actually respond to what a person says. He just keeps saying his thing over and over and my friends (back in the day when I had them) talked about things back and forth. His friends just kind of shared stories, did activities, etc.

ETA: Yes when he was gone so much and I had the little babies at home I would be so upset. I was so tired as i worked full time and my babies did not sleep and he'd be gone - no matter how overwhelmed I was. And then when the twins were born he was home. I hated that too because he was right there, and his very presence on the sofa, beer cans all over, half asleep/passed out, every thing he said or did, enraged me. I used to wish he'd just go somewhere for a week again.
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Old 02-08-2011, 09:10 AM
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"I guess alcohol changes the structure of your brain after awhile and your thinking process."
That's so true, and yet I don't see physicians bring this up when they have talked about the drinking to my ADP. I think the booze messes up their brain as much as the other vital organs. Maybe more. So far ADP's liver hasn't been adversly effected after drinking at least a pint of vodka (usually more) a day for more years than I can count, but his thinking process and memory is so messed up that you can't talk to him and expect a logical response. This is one of the most frustating things about this whole deal. Also the bounce-back when they take whatever you say to them, and turn it back on you. Like I'm the bully and I'm the instigator, etc. I know why some women just snap. I've been on the brink a time or 2 myself, but luckily I will just throw something to take out my frustrations.
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Old 02-08-2011, 11:08 AM
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I married the Great Gatsby. Patriarch of parties. All was fine with that except--he didn't make an honest equal connection with people and they felt it. The return invitations didn't come. I think people felt uneasy. There was an underlying intimidation and manipulation that people can't put their finger on, but they feel it in their gut. Egotism and narcissism that left us only hosting parties, and almost never attending them. Nobody besides me was close enough to nail it as to what it was, but I knew. He was cool. People praised him. But nobody wanted to get close, it gave them the willies.
Then there was the nights drinking alone, that would be the rest of the nights, mornings, days on the weekends.
When he would approach me, I'd get that sinking feeling in my gut--uh oh, here we go, whatever it is, there's some form of psychological control over me involved.
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Old 02-08-2011, 11:46 AM
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duq, did your ABF work?
Reading this made me think that it belongs in the "Things Normies don't know" thread. LOL!!! Good grief! Normal people don't ask this kind of stuff...but we do. LOL. Sigh...
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Old 02-08-2011, 12:20 PM
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As a teenager my father was the "nasty drunk" and could clear a room in a heartbeat with nasty mean, hateful comments. Of course I had no recourse, no where else to live or run away to so I had to cope.

Twenty some years later, and a couple years into my second marriage Mel turns into a "nasty drunk" and I'm thinking... I'm not doing this **** again.
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Old 02-08-2011, 12:31 PM
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LOL!!! Everytime I see this thread I want to reply with "The drinking kind."
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Old 02-08-2011, 12:37 PM
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Originally Posted by SKW View Post
LOL!!! Everytime I see this thread I want to reply with "The drinking kind."


I love that SKW!
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Old 02-15-2011, 06:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Jazzman View Post
As a teenager my father was the "nasty drunk" and could clear a room in a heartbeat with nasty mean, hateful comments.
It makes ya wonder why a person can be one kind of drunk or another...when my father would occassionally drink too much, he usually got all sentimental and would call me up and be all icky sweet, while my ADP's FA father (Lawyer/Judge) would beat the living hell out of him and his brothers and his A mother (RN) would instigate those very beatings. She was a nasty drunk as well, so you can imagine what life was like for those kids with 2 nasty and abusive parents. And yet, my ADP is the only one of them who became a drunk and while not exactly a slacker, he didn't excel in life the way the rest of his siblings (4 others) did. None of them turned out to be A's and all are professionals. He had told me that after one severe beating, things just changed for him in his head, he no longer cared about getting good grades or making something of himself. Maybe that's just a way of rationalizing but maybe not.
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Old 02-15-2011, 07:17 AM
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Originally Posted by DonnaJL View Post
It makes ya wonder why a person can be one kind of drunk or another...
I always figured that someone getting drunk just removes inhibitions, meaning that they act more like the "real" them.

I had a friend in college who got drunk once, started evangelizing to his friends over Instant Messenger, and announced to his roommates that God told him to sleep on the couch. He happened to volunteer a lot at the local church, too - so I guess that was the real him.

XABF, on the other hand, is abusive - and after going through my copy of "Why Does He Do That?" I could identify behaviors that XABF did while drunk, and others while sober, and both were abuse, just from complete opposites of the spectrum!
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Old 02-15-2011, 08:02 AM
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My dad is convivial and loves to debate politics, drunk or not. In his recent years (he's 70a), he gets sappy when drunk - getting choked up and reminding us girls that he loves us and he just wants the best for us...it gets old after a while. He's harmless.

My husband has no friends and drinks, mostly, in secret. He has wine with dinner most nights. He is very active, always up for doing whatever I want. He adores me, is responsible, clean, and helpful. I guess you could say he is pretty early in his drinking story. He is highly functioning. He is also VERY private. Has a lot of secret demons that he keeps hidden. He lies about them and hides them and feels awful about them. He has a unspoken list of things he doesn't want to talk about and gets angry and sullen and guilty and miserable when I try to push him to discuss them.
I could *almost* deal if not for the fact that some of those issues are very important, the lying, and the progressive nature of alcohol.
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Old 02-15-2011, 08:42 AM
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I have had a similar situation with my RAH as Thumper. Pretty much an isolated drinker by the end. The more he sunk deeper into alcoholism, the less he did anything and the more unhappy he became. And the more unhappy he became, the more angry he got at everybody and everything he could blame things on.

In the beginning of our relationship, we got along great and he drank like a social drinker (at least that is what I saw during that time - I recognize now there was probably more going on that I didn't see) but he was very nice, funny, active, interesting, well liked, charming, great values, etc. I truly, genuinely enjoyed his company. Damn, I really miss THAT guy.
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Old 02-16-2011, 06:47 AM
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TuffGirl, your 2nd paragraph could have been written by me (or probably most others here sadly) because when my ADP is sober he is a wonderful person. When I met him, I was separated legally (but still living with) a physically and mentally abusive (expletive) and I thought 'Josh' was my hero... he was everything the x wasn't and more. I never felt attacked or blamed for stuff and being with him was so liberating, and feeling love both physically and emotionally again after years of feeling dead inside with x was like a dream come true.
He can still be that person for me. When he goes on the wagon, he IS that person. I dread thinking that the mean person that he becomes when drunk is his true being. That would just break my heart. Just contemplating this is killing me, it makes me so sad.
I feel so betrayed by the drunk 'Josh' because all of our future plans will go to shyte if he doesn't get sober. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, like it's all about me, but I feel that it's about US as a couple. I am retired and he will be able to retire in a couple more years and we had our future planned basically, we had goals. But it cannot be if he doesn't stop drinking.
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Old 02-16-2011, 01:11 PM
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I think XABF interacts with so many coworkers/"friends" because he does not have good communication with his real family. Other drunks ARE his family. Sad.

Amazing, he also said "his path was very lonely". Right.
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Old 02-16-2011, 05:18 PM
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My AH is (was) a chef, so all of our friends drank and carried on and were out all night. There was a real social, party aspect to it, and enough people in the industry were sloppy, messy drunks that he blended in and looked like he could handle himself. He just didn't appear to have a problem. After we got married we became serious wine drinkers, which went right along with his career, and then at some point graduated to martinis and other mixed drinks. He started buying lots of hard liquor in addition to the wine. I was a social drinker too, so I never thought anything of it. I started catching him sneaking drinks off the top of the bottle, or pouring drinks that were all liquor, teensy-tiny bit of mixer, and when I asked him about it he got really defensive. By the time I realized how serious it was, he was drinking up to a handle of vodka a day. He used to fill up empty water bottles with vodka and take them to work and in the car, keep them next to the bed, etc. I feel really naive for not realizing what was going on sooner.

I don't drink at all anymore, it bothers me so much to even be around it because it's ruined so much in my life. Today my AH is a moody, quiet drinker that does most of his drinking on the sly. He avoids friends and family, especially me, and passes out on the couch at all hours with the TV cranked. He can be so sneaky that I have a hard time figuring out if he's just being moody and depressed or if he's been drinking, and he's a damn near professional liar.

I miss the "old" him so much because he used to be so funny and clever and charming. Now all his charms are used to deceive us.
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Old 02-16-2011, 06:04 PM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
I always figured that someone getting drunk just removes inhibitions, meaning that they act more like the "real" them.
I have wondered the same thing. My RAH was very kind and charming when sober, and at first, when drinking! But the more he drank and the more I began to complain, the nastier he got. The anger was out of control. Now I wonder which guy he will morph back into as he pursues sobriety - the same angry guy or the kind, charming one?

I'm remembering my days working with people with dementia and it was common knowledge that the mean ones tended to get more mean as they progressed into the disease while the nice ones stayed nice but delusional. Makes you wonder.....
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Old 02-17-2011, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
I have wondered the same thing. My RAH was very kind and charming when sober, and at first, when drinking! But the more he drank and the more I began to complain, the nastier he got. The anger was out of control. Now I wonder which guy he will morph back into as he pursues sobriety - the same angry guy or the kind, charming one?

I'm remembering my days working with people with dementia and it was common knowledge that the mean ones tended to get more mean as they progressed into the disease while the nice ones stayed nice but delusional. Makes you wonder.....
At first I thought my XABF was two different people - the drunk one and the sober one.
But then I realized that the sober one had been manipulating me from the beginning, too, and trying to change me into someone I wasn't. The only reason I didn't notice sooner was that at first it looked like he was helping me sort out some issues I had with my parents, something I had been trying to do. I just trusted him in the beginning when he said that "working on this won't help you" and "you need to concentrate more on this." He was also trying to get me to exercise a lot, which I did agree was a good thing to do, and he used to tell me I had too much fat on my body, but I used to weigh 105 lbs. back then...

In short, verbal and emotional abuse is abuse no matter what form it takes, but it's especially hard to recognize when it's got "Codependent No More" in one hand and Godiva chocolates in the other.

I read "Why Does He Do That?" and in the "types of abusers" chapter I would identify with polar opposite forms of abuse - one was when he was sober and the other (more violent/forceful) form when he was drunk.

So the methods were different, but the rest was the same.
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