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I want to scream. What do I do??

Old 02-05-2011, 10:18 AM
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Unhappy I want to scream. What do I do??

I have known my boyfriend for a year and half, when we met he was sober, told me he did not drink, and had a problem with alcohol, but it was under control. He drank early as teenager and quit at 18, had relapsed every few years, but would always quit again. It didnt scare me then.

We had a long distance relationship from the start, it was very honest and loving, a year later he moved to the city where i lived. Two months in he started drinking, I didnt know. I mean, I actually had hunches, and dreams about it, but really felt silly and crazy myself, and felt I should be trusting him. He lied to me. Two weeks ago he told me he had been drinking for those two months, and he was quitting. We were practically living together. He has been sober for these two weeks, going to AA nearly every day and talking openly about his struggle.

I love him like crazy, have since I met him, but this is so so so hard to accept and forgive. How as partners of recovering alcoholics do we forgive? I am usually a very happy person, and optimistic, but now I feel sad, scared, so angry and disappointed. so much aggression! And I have lost so much trust in our relationship. How do all of you deal?

When he is not drinking, he is an amazing partner. When he was drinking, he was still a good man, better than many I have dated. He was less emotionally available, and I felt like he was more difficult to talk to. But he was never mean, or aggressive, or like that. But it scares me he could do that.

what do I do. I am only seeing him once a week now. we talk every day, but i am struggling with feeling so hurt and disappointed. And I mostly just want to yell at him. I know this will not help. And scared for the future I saw with him. I wanted kids, house, etc, lovely life. Our families get along, and everything. It was so perfect. Now it sucks, and I am so glad to be writing this down to all of you.

Is a happy life with a recovering alcoholic possible?
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Old 02-05-2011, 10:29 AM
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Sure, it's possible if the person truly is in recovery. With all due respect, it doesn't sound to me like he is. It sounds like he sold you a bill of goods during your online relationship and now the real him is coming out. It's up to you if you want to hang in there and see if he's serious about recovery, but I wouldn't believe anything much that he says about it. Actions speak louder than words and if the actions don't measure up to the words coming out of his mouth, it will be obvious.
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Old 02-05-2011, 10:31 AM
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what do I do.
Focus on you. If you have the urge to scream, I recommend it highly.

I am only seeing him once a week now. we talk every day, but i am struggling with feeling so hurt and disappointed.
I have been in relationships where this was a recurring or overriding feeling and I hated it. I don't keep myself in relationships that are like this anymore, no matter who the other person is, or how much I might like them every day or two, or what the probability is that he or she might change or become something other than the person they are. I need a good measure of stability and predictability in my life.

And I mostly just want to yell at him.
Oh yeah, I know this feeling well. It does not do much for maintaining peace or serenity in my life. Life with an alcoholic has never been fun for me, whether they were a dry drunk, an alcoholic in recovery, or actively drinking.

scared for the future I saw with him. I wanted kids, house, etc, lovely life. Our families get along, and everything. It was so perfect. Now it sucks
I bet if you take a longer look, from an emotional place a little further removed, you will see that it was not perfect. Look at it objectively, in its totality, not just little bits and pieces. Because he is BOTH people. It is a package deal; the bad comes with the good and vice versa.

and I am so glad to be writing this down to all of you.
And I am glad that you are writing this down. to Sober Recovery lunalady.

Is a happy life with a recovering alcoholic possible?
I don't know how to answer this question. For me happiness is dictated by the choices I make in life and the attitude I decide to have. Is a happy life WITHOUT a recovering alcoholic more likely than WITH a recovering alcoholic? My bet is Yes.
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Old 02-05-2011, 03:50 PM
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Hi and welcome to SR.

Everything is possible.

Just because I couldn't do something
doesn't mean it can't be done.

Your experience is your own.

There's been a couple of posts today
saying that when they read the forum
it seems everyone encourages people to leave their relationships.

I think it's something else.
I personally don't think that's the case.
Other than, the odds are very high against success....
we are a gambling species.

BUT -
what I think it REALLY is -

and I can only explain by metaphor:

When I feel like I've gained weight
(we all have those days)
when I feel particularly... fat ...

it seems like everywhere I look
all I see
are bone-thin women.

I think when we are focused on something we know is true
and are not able to do anything about immediately -
I think we unconsciously focus on whatever that is
in a sort of 'everybody else can do it but I can't' thing.

All that does
is makes us feel separated from all others.

ANd even more unhappy.

Saving a relationship that's in shambles due to alcoholism
learning how to deal competently with an alcoholic
who is lost in their disease

is exactly like trying to lose a hundred pounds
with no preparation no training
and no change.

Some people can do it -
you see them all the time on television...
but how many do you KNOW... who did it?

I think it's exactly the same factor in human nature.

JMO.

Anyway - welcome to the forum -
you'll make plenty of new friends here
and hopefully find some answers.
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Old 02-05-2011, 04:45 PM
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Run Away. Fast. And now.

This man has been lying to you all along. Look back and see. You are a co-dependent, like most of us. He says and does exactly what he needs to keep you hanging on. But it is all about him.

20+ years into a relationship with an alcoholic and I wish I would have left at the first hint. I had nothing as definitive as you have posted. My parents voiced some concern, but they didn't come out and say it. As an only child, I assumed more of the "no woman would be good enough" for my mom theory.

Then, after being married for a few months, I started to see it. As I started working an exit plan, she turned up pregnant. And here I am. $100K poorer with nothing to show, few friends, stifled career, and 2 kids who have grown up with an alcoholic parent.

It is "possible" he will mend his ways. And people like us tend to always look at issues from a glass is almost full point of view. However, the "probability" of him recovering is very low. Your odds of winning the powerball lottery are higher.

You asked what to do. I say run away. There is no way I would ever wish what I've gone through on anyone. If you don't run away now, you will look back in 20 years and wonder why you didn't.
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Old 02-08-2011, 08:42 PM
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Thank you everyone, for the advice. It is so good to be heard. I went alone to a best friend's wedding this weekend. Boyfriend backed out last minute, good he is not drinking, but it was sort of lame. I told everybody he was sick, wish they all knew how sick he was. But it was a wedding so I didnt tell my sob story. Anyway, I spent the first day, looking at my friends, their careers, their boyfriends and husbands who look so pulled together, making $, etc etc. I was really angry at myself, and asked why I always end up with the looser guys who end up with no jobs. They are always cute though! My girlfriends very clearly were decided I am a "fixer" and like to pick guys I believe could be fixed up. So so sadly true. Co-dependent, yes I am.
Thing is, I thought this guy was different. Now I find out he is potentially worse than any of the others.
Somehow I was able to let go of a lot of anger. I saw him this weekend, and had a fairly nice time for the first time in weeks.

But I take to heart what you say zrx1200R. It scares me, but i am listening.

thanks for the welcomes. this is a great fourm. glad to have you.
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Old 02-08-2011, 09:05 PM
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Originally Posted by lunalady View Post
Boyfriend backed out last minute, good he is not drinking, but it was sort of lame.
When I was drinking I used to "back out" of stuff ALLLLLLLLLL the time... My schedule was based around drinking..So being at a wedding for hours and hours wouldn't be fun for an alcoholic unless you didn't mind him getting trashed at the reception..
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Old 02-09-2011, 01:06 AM
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I recommend screaming too. Maybe into a pillow or in your car with the music turned up or on a deserted beach...maybe not at your bf....Welcome to SR luna!
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