Grateful to find another useful tool
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
Grateful to find another useful tool
Introducing myself. I have been lurking on here for about 6 months. Don't even know how I found you but have read some amazing, insightful things. Strong people on here, and some sound so much like me it is uncanny. I am slowly starting to recognize my sickness-a sickness I never even knew I had. One I kept denying.
Here's my story.
Been married 29 years. My husband has always been a drinker. Functional alcoholic. Never lost a job, never a DUI. Did not go to bars, Did not chase women. Did not spend all the money. Great father. Loving. Responsible. Made me feel beautiful, safe and secure. So why did I have such a problem with him drinking? Was I selfish? Was I a control freak? All I know is that every holiday morning was the anxiety that he would not wake up because he was too drunk . Every weekend morning was a struggle to get the kids out of the house to an event and him lagging behind last minute reeking of beer. I used to wake up and clean up the cans so that the kids would not see. I stopped as they got older because they already knew how much he drank. I could hear a beer can being opened anywhere in my house. I was angry most of the time and I did not know why. I blamed everything that went wrong in our lives on the drinking. I was fixated. 3 years ago as our children left our home he suddenly says he is not sure he wants to continue being married to me. SHOCK! HURT! not real anger this time. We went to counseling for 3 years and his personality changed drastically. Suddenly everything was my fault-including his drinking. Said I made him feel like a second class citizen because he never went to college and he could never give me all I wanted. Said I belittled him and mocked him all our marriage. He became emotionally shut down, doing and saying things that I never would have imagined him capable of. Then he got abusive. Emotionally and verbally but there were signs that it may get physical. Several things triggered my decision to leave. When he said he drinking was my fault I realized how sick he really is. He has lost the control he thinks he has always had over his drinking. And I knew it was not healthy for me or for him to stay together as things got worse. Emotionally or physically.
Of course we talked about his drinking in the past and he even went to AA meetings a few times and slowed down for a while but never really gave it up. I never felt comfortable asking him to stop. I did not want him to do it for me. I wanted him to do it because he was tired of being hung over 4 days a week and because he realized the toll it was taking on him physically and emotionally. i wanted him to realize that it was interfering with the most important relationships in his life.
We have been separated for a little less than a year. He claims his life is great. He is doing what he wants when he wants. He has everything under control. He has little contact with the kids or our mutual friends. He has almost no contact with me. Does not answer emails or phone calls. I have to text him to call me at his convenience.
I feel a sense of calm not having him around. Living on my own was a difficult lesson but one I had to learn. I made new friends and started going to AL Anon. But I also feel so empty. I know the man he is right now is not the man I want to be with. I keep thinking its the continued alcohol abuse, or depression or unresolved childhood issues or mental illness. I cannot accept the fact that maybe he simply does not love me anymore. I feel sorry for him and for what he has given up but I also know it is HIS decision and HIS choice. Maybe he just needs to live his life this way and he will eventually hit bottom or come to the realization that he needs help.
I am playing the waiting game because I cling to the .01% chance that he will come to his senses. I am just not ready to let go yet. Trying to live my life-and I have a great one even if somedays its hard just to get out of bed. I also know where I can go to get a boost when I need one. A meeting or here to read some of the posts. I am financially independent and have a great support system and more choices than many. I try to acknowledge how blessed I am everyday.
Thanks for listening. Sorry it got so long. I guess there really isn't a short version of any of our stories is there?
Here's my story.
Been married 29 years. My husband has always been a drinker. Functional alcoholic. Never lost a job, never a DUI. Did not go to bars, Did not chase women. Did not spend all the money. Great father. Loving. Responsible. Made me feel beautiful, safe and secure. So why did I have such a problem with him drinking? Was I selfish? Was I a control freak? All I know is that every holiday morning was the anxiety that he would not wake up because he was too drunk . Every weekend morning was a struggle to get the kids out of the house to an event and him lagging behind last minute reeking of beer. I used to wake up and clean up the cans so that the kids would not see. I stopped as they got older because they already knew how much he drank. I could hear a beer can being opened anywhere in my house. I was angry most of the time and I did not know why. I blamed everything that went wrong in our lives on the drinking. I was fixated. 3 years ago as our children left our home he suddenly says he is not sure he wants to continue being married to me. SHOCK! HURT! not real anger this time. We went to counseling for 3 years and his personality changed drastically. Suddenly everything was my fault-including his drinking. Said I made him feel like a second class citizen because he never went to college and he could never give me all I wanted. Said I belittled him and mocked him all our marriage. He became emotionally shut down, doing and saying things that I never would have imagined him capable of. Then he got abusive. Emotionally and verbally but there were signs that it may get physical. Several things triggered my decision to leave. When he said he drinking was my fault I realized how sick he really is. He has lost the control he thinks he has always had over his drinking. And I knew it was not healthy for me or for him to stay together as things got worse. Emotionally or physically.
Of course we talked about his drinking in the past and he even went to AA meetings a few times and slowed down for a while but never really gave it up. I never felt comfortable asking him to stop. I did not want him to do it for me. I wanted him to do it because he was tired of being hung over 4 days a week and because he realized the toll it was taking on him physically and emotionally. i wanted him to realize that it was interfering with the most important relationships in his life.
We have been separated for a little less than a year. He claims his life is great. He is doing what he wants when he wants. He has everything under control. He has little contact with the kids or our mutual friends. He has almost no contact with me. Does not answer emails or phone calls. I have to text him to call me at his convenience.
I feel a sense of calm not having him around. Living on my own was a difficult lesson but one I had to learn. I made new friends and started going to AL Anon. But I also feel so empty. I know the man he is right now is not the man I want to be with. I keep thinking its the continued alcohol abuse, or depression or unresolved childhood issues or mental illness. I cannot accept the fact that maybe he simply does not love me anymore. I feel sorry for him and for what he has given up but I also know it is HIS decision and HIS choice. Maybe he just needs to live his life this way and he will eventually hit bottom or come to the realization that he needs help.
I am playing the waiting game because I cling to the .01% chance that he will come to his senses. I am just not ready to let go yet. Trying to live my life-and I have a great one even if somedays its hard just to get out of bed. I also know where I can go to get a boost when I need one. A meeting or here to read some of the posts. I am financially independent and have a great support system and more choices than many. I try to acknowledge how blessed I am everyday.
Thanks for listening. Sorry it got so long. I guess there really isn't a short version of any of our stories is there?
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
GOOD FOR YOU!! your out of that mess...now its time for you...your wants and needs...but for right now you are GREIVING and its all normal...this too shall pass, and its normal..you have been married to HIM for over 29 years!! and to HIS DISEASE...
he may not want to change..and really WHO CARES! if he feels he is doing right by him...good for him...but that is the alcoholism talking...
keep applying your al anon...and pamper yourself today...you deserve it!!
he may not want to change..and really WHO CARES! if he feels he is doing right by him...good for him...but that is the alcoholism talking...
keep applying your al anon...and pamper yourself today...you deserve it!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
In the end, it really doesn't matter why, does it? He isn't a good marriage partner, and he doesn't want to be in the marriage.
I'm not trying to make light of the pain you feel--but the bottom line is it DOESN'T MATTER WHY.
If you can get to a place where you are able to accept the situation (without understanding it or approving of it), you will start to know peace and be able to go on with the great life out there that is waiting for you.
I'm not trying to make light of the pain you feel--but the bottom line is it DOESN'T MATTER WHY.
If you can get to a place where you are able to accept the situation (without understanding it or approving of it), you will start to know peace and be able to go on with the great life out there that is waiting for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
"If you can get to a place where you are able to accept the situation (without understanding it or approving of it), you will start to know peace and be able to go on with the great life out there that is waiting for you."
I think you hit the nail right on the head. I feel the need to understand the reason. Maybe if I know the reason I know how he can be fixed. And that's the part of my disease that I need to let go of because it is holding me back. Thank you for helping me see more clearly.
I think you hit the nail right on the head. I feel the need to understand the reason. Maybe if I know the reason I know how he can be fixed. And that's the part of my disease that I need to let go of because it is holding me back. Thank you for helping me see more clearly.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Hope is hard to let go of.
Read this not too long ago and now it sits next to my computer where I can see it everyday-- "Hope is not a strategy".
I need a strategy for my own happiness, regardless of what exah does, whom I still love.
If you want to hold onto hope, then that's ok. I too hold onto hope.
But I think the difference is to not let the hope hold me back from finding my own happiness with myself and the wonderful things and people out there in the world I have yet to discover.
If I can do that, if you can do that, maybe we'll both bound out of bed instead of sometimes not being sure whether to bother getting up.
Read this not too long ago and now it sits next to my computer where I can see it everyday-- "Hope is not a strategy".
I need a strategy for my own happiness, regardless of what exah does, whom I still love.
If you want to hold onto hope, then that's ok. I too hold onto hope.
But I think the difference is to not let the hope hold me back from finding my own happiness with myself and the wonderful things and people out there in the world I have yet to discover.
If I can do that, if you can do that, maybe we'll both bound out of bed instead of sometimes not being sure whether to bother getting up.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thanks for the share Jamaicamecrazy. It really has me thinking this morning.
It takes me a good year to figure out whether or not I want to continue in a relationship with someone. But the way I allow myself to think and act for that year usually gets me so stuck that I can't friggin' let go. I hold onto some hope that the person is actually going to become what I want them to be as a life partner. Despite the fact that I've seen all the evidence I need and done already made up my mind that I don't want to be with this person!
Knowing very well, and remaining steadfast in, what I want and need for my life is helpful. I do a decent job now of standing up for myself and stating my needs and desires. I can remain pretty objective about it all now (Detachment).
There is so much more to life than holding out for the possibility that someone else is going to be something other than what I already know I don't want in my life. Moving forward in life can be so difficult. A lot of times you hear about people who can't move forward until they find someone else. I've done that myself too.
It takes me a good year to figure out whether or not I want to continue in a relationship with someone. But the way I allow myself to think and act for that year usually gets me so stuck that I can't friggin' let go. I hold onto some hope that the person is actually going to become what I want them to be as a life partner. Despite the fact that I've seen all the evidence I need and done already made up my mind that I don't want to be with this person!
Knowing very well, and remaining steadfast in, what I want and need for my life is helpful. I do a decent job now of standing up for myself and stating my needs and desires. I can remain pretty objective about it all now (Detachment).
There is so much more to life than holding out for the possibility that someone else is going to be something other than what I already know I don't want in my life. Moving forward in life can be so difficult. A lot of times you hear about people who can't move forward until they find someone else. I've done that myself too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
Thank you to all for your words of wisdom. And they truly are. Wisdom that comes from experience and pain and hard lessons learned. You now how you can see and hear things over and over and they don't click until your heart and mind are ready? That is how I feel about the things you all are saying. And the fact that you have been able to share and I am here on this board today I feel is evidence of my HP.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by jamaicamecrazy 
Thank you to all for your words of wisdom. And they truly are. Wisdom that comes from experience and pain and hard lessons learned. You now how you can see and hear things over and over and they don't click until your heart and mind are ready? That is how I feel about the things you all are saying. And the fact that you have been able to share and I am here on this board today I feel is evidence of my HP.
I read books, listened to tapes, went to all kinds of meetings, and now know that somewhere in me is the perfect understanding of who I am.
I am getting closer, and this board has been a blessing.
thank you all,
and thank you jamaicamecrazy (great name btw!)
:ghug3
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