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Old 02-04-2011, 06:10 PM
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Question please help

i don't know what to do. BF has been making failed attempts at quitting drinking, had bad physical withdrawls and medicated with alcohol. got arrested for DUI yesterday, and started drinking when he got home. told him i couldn't be with him if he continued to drink.

he broke down today, called hospitals/therapists/etc., confessed all to his family, and swears up and down he's going to quit this time, doesn't want to lose me, loves me, needs me. he is going to move back home (another state) to detox, but doesn't know when he's going.

he wants me to come over and be with him, and i don't know what to do. i know he has been drinking (so he doesn't withdraw) but isn't drunk now. i want to support him and love him, but i am so so so scared that this will be another reason for him not to quit. do i keep up the tough love? do i give in? i love him and don't want to lose him, and am completely lost now...
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Old 02-04-2011, 06:14 PM
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I recommend you stay where you are. He is a grown man and doesn't need you to "be with him." He's trying to make you feel sorry for him. If he's drinking, chances are before the night is over, he'll be drunk. Same sh*t, different day.
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Old 02-04-2011, 06:21 PM
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When my AH tries to divert me into doing for him what he needs I try to just put myself back on what I was doing before he even contacted me and do that until I get calm.

Try to get back to what you were doing or planning to do for YOU before your BF contacted you. If it was nothing than do nothing or read a book or watch a movie or do your grocery shopping, whatever.

Doing this has brought me so much more clarity and focus and keeps me sane.
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Old 02-04-2011, 06:30 PM
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Suki: sad but true. Thank you for the reality check. I guess I am just debating talking to his mom now, because I don't know that he has told her the extent of everything. I worry that if he goes back, she will continue to enable him, and I will lose him forever.
But I guess I can't be his savior, either.

Dancing: Thank you. Now that we are not on the phone, and he is not begging me to come over, and talking on this board, I feel a lot more calm.

Guess I am just feeling sad that this is the end of our relationship. And I feel ANGRY that we just talked and I told him that I loved him, but his drinking kills me, and his only response was "so come hug me!"

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Old 02-04-2011, 06:48 PM
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I really do hope that he will commit to long-term recovery for his own sake. Active addicts are selfish in their own way. You told him how upset and sad you are, and his response was all about him "come hug me, me, me, me".

In true, early recovery, the person's only job is to work on that recovery. That seems to typically exclude family and friends until after a certain period of time.

If he really is going back to live with his folks and is going to work a real program, he's going to be very busy. Plus, the sad truth is, you can't control how they are going to treat him. We have not control over our fellow codies just as we have no control over the A's in our lives.

He will make it, without you holding his hand. I hope you will take good care of yourself. Are you sleeping well, eating well, having fun with friends? Just some things to think about.

Hugs and prayers, HG
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Old 02-04-2011, 06:52 PM
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thanks, hydro. you are completely right. i just wish that he could do it with or without me. the minute we talked, he seemed to almost backpedal on going back home. i know i will not see him while he is there, as it is several thousand miles from where we are. i don't know what will happen.

unfortunately, i have been sleeping horribly. i am shy and don't have a ton of friends, either forcing myself to eat well. going to my first alanon meeting in half an hour...

thanks again
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Old 02-04-2011, 08:02 PM
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Glad you're going to a meeting, Crane.

He does NOT need you holding his hand in order to get sober. If it all depends on you and your "support" he is screwed before he even begins.

Let him have the dignity of doing this on his own without you. If you go back, you will probably find yourself "helpfully" telling him what to do and how to do it (we can hardly help it, ya know?).

Hope you feel a little stronger after the meeting.
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Old 02-04-2011, 08:07 PM
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Quack, quack goes the alcoholic.

They will say anything. And they usually know exactly what to say to make you stay or give them one more chance. They prey on us, as we really want to believe this is THE time things will be different. But they aren't.

I started writing a journal. I go back and read it often, and I still can't believe the things I've forgotten. We have a tremendous capacity to forget the bad stuff. If we didn't box up the bad times and lock them away in a little dark place we would never endure the nonsense the alcoholic puts us through.

Now, armed with honest memories of what actually happened daily I'm able to see through the quacking and be strong. Try it. But you better password protect it! Don't keep a paper written journal. It won't be private. Have you noticed how your alcoholic doesn't respect your privacy? Different topic. Just saying.

They lie, and say what ever they think needs to be said. My wife was constantly pushing me right up to the edge of the cliff. If I protested loud and long, she would back up maybe one step and give me the tiniest amount of breathing room. Which of course I thought was monumental movement. It was not.

Don't be deceived. Stay strong. Read the stories posted up here and see what so many have learned the hard way. You don't need to learn these lessons yourself. We've learned them already and can pass them on to you.

If he gets well then great. He's one of the few. And you two can have a great relationship then.

You know what to do. Just leave him be. You can do it. You don't need anyone's permission.

If I'm using strong words, it's only because I wish someone had used them with me 20 years ago. Instead, they tap danced around the issue even though those close to me could see right through and I was blind.
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Old 02-04-2011, 08:38 PM
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Hi CourageousCrane. In case I haven't said it already, to SR. You've come to the right place
This:
doesn't want to lose me, loves me, needs me
Is truly KEY. Let me ask you something. How old is your BF? Is he old enough to drive? Old enough to hold a job? Old enough to mow the lawn? Because a man who is old enough to do these things is old enough to stand on his own two feet. And expecting a man that old NOT to do so, is not healthy or really honoring him as a grown human being. Nor would he be someone I personally would want as a partner. A want a MAN, not a toddler who needs me to hold his hand when he has to go to the doctor.

he wants me to come over and be with him
Why? Is he scared of the dark and can't sleep?

i don't know what to do.
Yes you do. You're just distracted by this whiny crybaby who instead of taking care of himself like an adult, wants his mommy to come hold his hand and give him all the attention.

i want to support him and love him, but i am so so so scared that this will be another reason for him not to quit. do i keep up the tough love? do i give in? i love him and don't want to lose him, and am completely lost now...
The best and healthiest way to show your support and love for another human being is to TAKE THE BEST POSSIBLE CARE OF YOURSELF AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN (not yelling at you, just stressing the importance of this statement). This means focusing MOST of your energies on YOU and YOUR responsibilities, be they children, home, exercise, eating right, pampering yourself, or whatever it is you need. The fact that you feel FEAR and that the only way out you can see is to cave to his childish demands, is a danger sign for you. Are you afraid that you will lose him? To what? The rest of his life? You can't actually lose someone, as we don't actually own or have anyone but ourselves to begin with.

I hope something I have said is helpful to you. I strongly recommend that you find an Al-Anon meeting and go. (((hugs))) Be good to yourself first. Let the rest take care of themselves.
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Old 02-04-2011, 08:55 PM
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I think everyone said everything already. I tend to believe the addict when he says he wants to quit. I am sure he is scared, scared of the possibility of continued drinking, scared of the possibility of quitting drinking, scared of losing what he has, scared of change, etc. It's absolutely understandable and okay for you to love him & want to support him. *But* listen to your intuition. *If* it is meant to be, *if* he wants it badly enough, *if* he can no longer bear the drinking, he will quit with or without you. You can love him, support him, even honor his stated desire to quit drinking
from a distance.

Once I removed myself from active alcoholism, I was able to feel once again the compassion for my RAH's addictions. Yes, he was quacking at times, but I knew that was the effects of his addiction talking/acting out, not him. I knew there was a hurt, scared, kind, troubled child within him that was trying to self-medicate away some need that wasn't met long before I met him. In my situation, my leaving finally lifted the last of my husband's enabling. It allowed him to hit his bottom (though it was painful for me to see him basically killing himself). He needed me to get out of his way so he could crash & then seek help. When I was in the midst of active alcoholism, I felt my humanity deteriorating. I was becoming someone I didn't want to be. It wasn't just destroying the A but many of those around him.

In the meantime, focus on yourself. Get support for *you*. You probably don't realize how much alcoholism has affected/infected your thinking, your actions & your life because out of love, you have been worried & focused on your A.

I pray that he finds his way to sobriety & recovery. If & when he does, *more work* will have to be done. If your relationship survives & makes it through his sobriety & recovery, both of you will need lots of support and lots of working on yourselves. Warm hugs to you!
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Old 02-04-2011, 09:10 PM
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Guess I am just feeling sad that this is the end of our relationship.
Yes but look at all the NEW relationships you are forming on SR
One day at a time CourageousCrane. Just keep bringing your focus back to today, right now. The Serenity Prayer helped me immensely when I first got into Recovery. Do you know it? It appears at the bottom of all of my posts.

And I feel ANGRY that we just talked and I told him that I loved him, but his drinking kills me, and his only response was "so come hug me!"
Which part makes you angry? That you love him? That you told him you loved him? Or that he completely ignores what your needs are in this relationship?

and his only response was "so come hug me!
This is a very childish manipulation. I know a guy who would say this in these circumstances. I truly believe he has an incurable personality disorder.

I hope you come back and tell us how the AlAnon meeting went! I'm excited for you.
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