Well, THAT was an unexpected box to open.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
No insight on if your alcoholic is adept enough at reading your non verbal communication to figure our you've had it, then purposefully roasting your trans. That's a big leap.
It is probably more like he simply didn't know enough about how cars work or care enough to treat the machine with enough respect. I'm a car guy and have spent 30+ years messing with them, fixing and restoring. I can't image what you have to do to burn up a trans trying to get out of snow. Most likely the trans was already in bad shape; low on fluid, dirty fluid, clogged filter etc. This just probably sped up it's demise. Alcoholics don't care about keeping their vehicles in good shape. That money can be spent on booze. And the time required to deal with a vehicle is time not spent doing what ever they want. And you have noticed he does what ever he wants, right?
But back to the main point. I thought the same thing. I planned my exit strategy to work "best". But something ALWAYS came up. First was a child. Then another one. Then a job transfer. Career change. Then a house fire. Next a return to previous career. Then cancer. Prior to each of these events, I was plotting how to leave. I even had the papers filed. But in the end, I stayed. From my experience, there is no good time. If you keep looking for a good time to leave, you will never leave. It is never easy.
But take a read at the folks who have made that difficult decision. They share it openly on this forum. I've not read a single person who says they wished they'd stayed and given it "one more shot". They all say how much better everyone's life is after the split.
And, if he gets well. If the miracle truly happens. If he is one of the statistically few percent who hit bottom and fully recover for the rest of his life, there is nothing preventing you from joining him later.
My wife said and did what ever it took to get me to stay. Including becoming pregnant. And it worked. She gave me the 2 most wonderful things in the world. For that I can never hate her. But she has used them as pawns in the manipulation game fueled by her alcoholism. I should have left a dozen times over. Now, after 20 years of the roller coaster, she seems to finally have turned the corner. But the jury is still out. No doubt this is the best effort I've ever seen. I'm now a realist about her chances of recovery. And if it doesn't take, we're done. It's on the table. There is no exit strategy. It is simply her complete understanding that I will no longer endure what I have in the past. That I am holding her accountable for her actions and the clock is ticking. That I am keeping score. That I will no longer accept her diversions and I'm completely on to her game and intimately familiar with her act.
As hard as I tried the past 20 years, we were never able to get to this point. She had to decide she wants help. For the first time in 20 years she actually said she is an alcoholic just a few weeks ago. And now accepts it as a reality. It has taken 20 years of me "hoping for change". And over $100,000 worth of alcohol. I would not wish the last 20 years on anyone.
I suppose this is why I am so vocal about leaving when you first think you should. In the long run, leaving now is hard for a few months. Maybe a year. Staying is hard for the next 20+ years. Had I left back then, I can't imagine what my life would be like. Looking back, I have few friends and my career has suffered immensely.
It's kinda like the old car commercial from when I was a kid: You can pay me now, or pay me later. It's hard now, it's just as hard later. But if you leave now, there is none of the difficult middle part to endure.
It is probably more like he simply didn't know enough about how cars work or care enough to treat the machine with enough respect. I'm a car guy and have spent 30+ years messing with them, fixing and restoring. I can't image what you have to do to burn up a trans trying to get out of snow. Most likely the trans was already in bad shape; low on fluid, dirty fluid, clogged filter etc. This just probably sped up it's demise. Alcoholics don't care about keeping their vehicles in good shape. That money can be spent on booze. And the time required to deal with a vehicle is time not spent doing what ever they want. And you have noticed he does what ever he wants, right?
But back to the main point. I thought the same thing. I planned my exit strategy to work "best". But something ALWAYS came up. First was a child. Then another one. Then a job transfer. Career change. Then a house fire. Next a return to previous career. Then cancer. Prior to each of these events, I was plotting how to leave. I even had the papers filed. But in the end, I stayed. From my experience, there is no good time. If you keep looking for a good time to leave, you will never leave. It is never easy.
But take a read at the folks who have made that difficult decision. They share it openly on this forum. I've not read a single person who says they wished they'd stayed and given it "one more shot". They all say how much better everyone's life is after the split.
And, if he gets well. If the miracle truly happens. If he is one of the statistically few percent who hit bottom and fully recover for the rest of his life, there is nothing preventing you from joining him later.
My wife said and did what ever it took to get me to stay. Including becoming pregnant. And it worked. She gave me the 2 most wonderful things in the world. For that I can never hate her. But she has used them as pawns in the manipulation game fueled by her alcoholism. I should have left a dozen times over. Now, after 20 years of the roller coaster, she seems to finally have turned the corner. But the jury is still out. No doubt this is the best effort I've ever seen. I'm now a realist about her chances of recovery. And if it doesn't take, we're done. It's on the table. There is no exit strategy. It is simply her complete understanding that I will no longer endure what I have in the past. That I am holding her accountable for her actions and the clock is ticking. That I am keeping score. That I will no longer accept her diversions and I'm completely on to her game and intimately familiar with her act.
As hard as I tried the past 20 years, we were never able to get to this point. She had to decide she wants help. For the first time in 20 years she actually said she is an alcoholic just a few weeks ago. And now accepts it as a reality. It has taken 20 years of me "hoping for change". And over $100,000 worth of alcohol. I would not wish the last 20 years on anyone.
I suppose this is why I am so vocal about leaving when you first think you should. In the long run, leaving now is hard for a few months. Maybe a year. Staying is hard for the next 20+ years. Had I left back then, I can't imagine what my life would be like. Looking back, I have few friends and my career has suffered immensely.
It's kinda like the old car commercial from when I was a kid: You can pay me now, or pay me later. It's hard now, it's just as hard later. But if you leave now, there is none of the difficult middle part to endure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
No I AM leaving, I just don't have all my stuff set up quite yet. Last time I was out, I had a huge support system failure and I ended up coming back. I don't want that to happen this time, i ended up in a year long, rather horrible depression as a result of that failure. I can't let myself go thru that again, so I need a job, daycare, etc. lined up before then.
Sad thing is, he WAS a mechanic in the military. So really, he should've known better than to rev the van in reverse the way he was doing. Even I know to rock it back and forth. It hasn't gone in yet, but it was smoking, and giving off a burning rubber type of smell when reverse went, so really, it doesn't look good.
Sad thing is, he WAS a mechanic in the military. So really, he should've known better than to rev the van in reverse the way he was doing. Even I know to rock it back and forth. It hasn't gone in yet, but it was smoking, and giving off a burning rubber type of smell when reverse went, so really, it doesn't look good.
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
Originally Posted by zrx1200R 
And, if he gets well. If the miracle truly happens. If he is one of the statistically few percent who hit bottom and fully recover for the rest of his life, there is nothing preventing you from joining him later.
I am at a moment where my 16 year marriage is ended 3 weeks ago (she moved out, I am now filed for divorce) -- because I had decided "next time is the last time". She was 2 years 3 months sober -- and then it all went haywire and she is all the way back down the vodka abyss, completely unforseen.
I told her our marriage is over and she moved out. I am very happy to be apart from her. It is peaceful and I mostly feel RELIEVED.
I quote your words above, because telling myself this makes me feel like what I am doing is OK. I can get divorced and be free for the first time in a 15 years. I'm done. I don't have to put up with this absurd life any longer. I see daylight.
Yet, AW could recover -- it probably won't happen, but she could. And she would also have to be truly sorry, something that isn't coming through the vodka haze at the moment. I leave room for that possibility, the same way I leave room for winning the lottery, or winning some other kind of random sweepstakes.
Blessings!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Good for you. And now, you need to take the next step. She is no longer "AH".
She is "STBXAW"!
I had a little glimmer of reality just 20 minutes ago. Our 11 year old greyhound is having some minor issues. my wife was sitting down with her in another room, separated by me by a half wall. TV on in another room. I'm eating. I hear her grunting and puffing. I ask if I can help. And she flies off in a fit of anger that she had been asking for help, yet I ignored her.
She never said a word. At least not loud enough to be heard.
Quack, Quack, Quack.
She is "STBXAW"!
I had a little glimmer of reality just 20 minutes ago. Our 11 year old greyhound is having some minor issues. my wife was sitting down with her in another room, separated by me by a half wall. TV on in another room. I'm eating. I hear her grunting and puffing. I ask if I can help. And she flies off in a fit of anger that she had been asking for help, yet I ignored her.
She never said a word. At least not loud enough to be heard.
Quack, Quack, Quack.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by brokenheartfool
Nonsense! M-59 is clear, I'm at Duck road already, and you and your little doggie too are quietly sleeping!
snicker snicker.
snicker snicker.
if m 59 is clear and you are at Duck Road, we are done for!
all that paranoia for nothing.
this truly made me laugh out loud, my daughter wanted to know what was so funny.
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