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12 step husband is leaving me/kids..how do I cope w/ my anger?

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12 step husband is leaving me/kids..how do I cope w/ my anger?

Old 02-05-2011, 08:25 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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I understand that feeling of how you've put so much into this - blood, sweat and tears and in the end, it all seems like you did it for nothing.

I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum from you because I WISH my ABF would leave ME after almost 15 years of this. A couple of years ago, I wouldn't have wanted that, but I know now that I'm ready to cut my losses and move on. It took me a long time to realize that there are worse things than being alone, and this is one of them. Whatever your fear is in losing him, it will help to concentrate on what you might be gaining.

From my perspective this is an opportunity for you, but you just can't see it yet, through the anger. You've gotten a lot of great suggestions here for helping to deal with that anger, and I hope you are able to use some of them. I just wanted you to know that IMO, you are very lucky to be given this opportunity - to finally get away from the insanity and to get yourself healthy. Think about doing all of those great things for YOURSELF, instead of for someone who expected them, yet likely wasn't even able to appreciate them.

Like someone here said - he's been running away from his relationship responsibilities since the beginning and now he's just found a new way to continue doing it. Sounds like he probably was never going to be emotionally available to you, no matter what, and as hard as that is to take, it doesn't have to be the end of your world. It could be the beginning of something new, more peaceful and perhaps even wonderful. I hope at some point you'll be able to get past that anger enough to look back and see this
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:47 PM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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Stay strong, sister!
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Old 09-24-2011, 10:39 PM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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I wanted to give ya'll an update.
I graduated as an LVN. It was a rough 6 mos..to say the least. We basically were on a handshake deal til I finished school. Right before school finished I told him I wanted out. He was all shocked and upset. Then he got mad. Said he would fight me for the kids and that's what got me. He has been the primary parent for the past year...and looking at just the fact I've been totally focused on getting through school he COULD get them...if you ignore the past years of A crazy behavior which a judge may ... you can't count on them to do what is best anymore...and because he lets them do whatever they want I think at least one may choose him to live with if asked..so I said okay...we'd try to make it work. AGAIN.
I cannot loss my kids.

So I'm here. It's been a month since graduation. Just passed my NCLEX-PN on the first attempt and am about to look for a job this upcoming work.
He's still sober. Over a year now. But I still feel lots of anger. I'm back in Alnon after taking some time to concentrate on my final semester of school. It really helps me.

I am having a hard time w/ adjusting to being out of school. It's hard to fit back into my kids lives and my life the way it was. I have zero motivation to do stuff like cook and clean. I'm in a rut. I do think I'll be better once I have a job and more structure in my days. I don't know. I'm trying. I am really making the effort to be willing to do the things he likes to do, and have more than once dropped everything to go do something with him. I got the feeling I was being set up to fail...if I said no...I wasn't trying etc.. Just a real PITA to deal with. But I'm trying...still trying.
I love my husband. I do.
But I don't love the way he makes me feel. I don't like having to second guess everything I say or do and wonder how long til he pulls the "i don't love you anymore" card out again...and he will. I have no doubt he will.

I'm trying to find trust in him. I'm trying to see the good. But It's hard.

I'm waiting til I have a job and get back into a routine before I decide what I want. I'm not sure yet. I don't know if this is where I want to be. I just don't know.

So here I am.
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Old 09-24-2011, 11:04 PM
  # 64 (permalink)  
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Bill W. was a severe alcoholic. Oh, he wasn't faithful to Lois, either.

AA saved my life. It was written in the '30s.
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Old 09-25-2011, 12:06 AM
  # 65 (permalink)  
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First of all: good for you! Finishing your degree and getting your qualifications was an amazing achievement. I hope you are patting yourself on the back.

So I'm surmising that AH did a 180 somewhere in the past six months? Today was the first I read your thread. While reading your first posts I did have a sneaking suspicion that he would recant when he realized that leaving you would mean no more comfy home, no more security of having a partner.

I'm really sorry that the man you fell in love with morphed into a jerk. Maybe it was all the years of alcohol abuse, who knows? It's not your fault.

Now I'm going to echo Kilt and say attorney attorney attorney. You seem to have decided on your own that his threat to take the kids has merit. And since you believe his threat you've decided to give it another go, not out of your own desire but because you don't want to lose the kids? You're making some huge decisions based on guesswork and fear.

So see an attorney. It doesn't mean you're starting a big lawsuit, it means you're getting information. If you're on low income, you can get a consult for free or cheap. Find out what your options are.

I can say as a paralegal that I am *so happy* when someone comes in for advice just when a problem is beginning, because with the right advice and knowledge from the get-go, most problems easily solved. What makes me bang my head on my desk is when someone comes in *after* they've got themselves in a big mess. I'm like, "But this could have been easily avoided, why didn't you get legal advice sooner?" and they're like, "Well, my friend told me...I read on the internet... I thought a lawyer cost thousands and thousands..." GAH.
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Old 09-25-2011, 06:45 AM
  # 66 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by akrasia View Post
Now I'm going to echo Kilt and say attorney attorney attorney. You seem to have decided on your own that his threat to take the kids has merit. And since you believe his threat you've decided to give it another go, not out of your own desire but because you don't want to lose the kids? You're making some huge decisions based on guesswork and fear.

So see an attorney. It doesn't mean you're starting a big lawsuit, it means you're getting information. If you're on low income, you can get a consult for free or cheap. Find out what your options are.

I can say as a paralegal that I am *so happy* when someone comes in for advice just when a problem is beginning, because with the right advice and knowledge from the get-go, most problems easily solved. What makes me bang my head on my desk is when someone comes in *after* they've got themselves in a big mess. I'm like, "But this could have been easily avoided, why didn't you get legal advice sooner?" and they're like, "Well, my friend told me...I read on the internet... I thought a lawyer cost thousands and thousands..." GAH.
I'm going to echo akrasia and Kilt. See an attorney, FAST--and one who is a domestic relations specialist, not the guy on the billboard who does everything from wills to incorporations to dui.

I'm an attorney (not a divorce one) and like akrasia I am always very sad when I see someone who has gone a long way into a situation without legal advice. The situation will often be messed up beyond repair from actions that could have easily been avoided with a bit of advice on the front end. Don't be that person, especially not with a soon to be ex who is nasty enough to threaten to take the kids.
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Old 09-25-2011, 07:20 AM
  # 67 (permalink)  
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I"m so sorry to hear all of this, all though you're getting good support here
He sprung on me that he doesn't love me and is leaving me soon.
In my experience, these words are also uttered by someone have an affair, all though with an A, the affair is always first and foremost with alcohol. That takes priority over anything else in their life.

L2L mentioned that folks will swap out one obsession for another and that's so true. Whether its AA, his own narcissistic recovery or whatever.

I really like that you acknowledge your life and your kids lives, will be better off without him. Hold to that truth.

And the others have all the right answers about how to cope with anger. There are healthy ways of working through these stages, and how knows? You may find amazing peace and a wonderful new life waiting for you after you've worked through it. With that loser gone, it's almost a gar-un-tee...
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