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12 step husband is leaving me/kids..how do I cope w/ my anger?

Old 02-05-2011, 05:43 PM
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My cats are useless. Since I quit hiding upstairs with my booze, all they do is climb all over my keyboard.

Honest, I come home from work and find they have been working the search buttons, changed all my settings...

I suspect kitty porn.
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Old 02-05-2011, 05:47 PM
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I suspect kitty porn.
you gotta stop that, my daughter hears me giggling, and thinks i am a little crazy.
when i try to explain, she doesnt get it.
or she smiles like you do at a 4 year old and say,
"that's a nice cow you drew."

LOL
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Old 02-05-2011, 05:53 PM
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Either a dog or a cat would likely make a better supportive partner than a drunk. Except that in most cases they're not potty trained... Except that probably is not a strong argument given the frequency of posts describing alcoholic husbands who urinate in bed, in dressers, closets, and floors and have major poop blowouts in their pants, sheets, and across the dining room floor.

Oh wait, but we were talking about sober spouses needing to support alcoholic spouses weren't we?
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Old 02-05-2011, 05:58 PM
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i am now thinking a pet would take a depressed person out of themself.
they would have to walk them, feed them, care for them.
but, after watching hoarders.
<shudder>
when i walk my dog, she gets smiles and waves and people talk to me.
it is really very cool.

Beth
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:18 PM
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I'm doing a lot of crying...at EVERYTHING. I hate that. Makes me feel stupid like I should have seen this and been prepared better. My husband and I talk about this constantly.
I'm so angry I can't see straight at times. I don't know if it's because he's more relieved than upset or that I'm just flat out resentful that he's doing this.

the plan is for him to leave in August...it gives me time to finish school (I can't support myself w/o graduating my program and there is NO way I'm quitting school) This was his idea of course...gives him time to figure out where he's going and plan things out. Instinctively I wanted to put him and all his $%^& out on the lawn in hefty bags and tell him to take me to court for anything else the moment he told me but I've gotten past that...kind proud of that fact to be honest but 6 months is a LONG time to live a lie and I'm having difficulty w/ that. Especially since he doesn't want to tell the kids for a few months. Talk about hiding your feelings! No I won't talk bad about him to the kids EVER...thats wrong but it sure would be nice to not have to pretend everything is okay.

He offered to take the kids til I finished another yr of school. I have the option to go another yr and get a further degree which would make my income double... Do I think he wants them because he wants them? NOPE. I think he wants to live in this house, w/ the kids and let me pay for the
privilige of him choosing to leave me by way of child support. I thanked him for his courtesy but declined, I even asked if this was his way of saying he was going to fight me for the kids...he said no, he was just trying to think of a way that would allow me to get the degree I need w/o being torn btwn the kids and school all the time. I reminded him that I wouldn't be because I fully expect him to still be a parent and to share in that responsibility EQUALLY. I did mention he didn't have a chance in hell of winning them even if he did want to fight for them so it would be better to not even discuss that option. He got the point and agreed that his original plan of moving out was the way to go.

I can honestly say he is by far the most manipulative and spiteful man I've ever met but he seems to be trying to be decent. He drives the better car, mine doesn't have air cond. and he offered it to me... he should it's mine..but beside the point. I didn't answer him I just said I would think about it.
I'm not commiting to ANYTHING right now..except to say that I'm keeping the kids and staying in the house we live in. Everything else is negotiable to me.

I don't know. I'm pretty consumed this and when I get to the point I'm crying again..I try to think of something that will be good about this. the fact I don't have to listen to his crappy music, or I don't have to hand over the remote the minute he decides he wants to watch tv etc.. all the stuff he did over the yrs while he drank that made me feel like crap...I remember all that stuff and I can feel a moment of relief knowing I never have to put up with any of that again and it gets me through the moment.

I appreciate all the support. FYI I don't think AA caused this. I do think my husbands inability to get to the root of why he drank (blames me even though it started years and years before I met him) and the fact that now he has a bunch of single AA buddies to hang around with that don't have the same responsibilities or obligations adds to the problem as well as his ongoing inability to prioritize his FAMILY...first....
or maybe it's just that he's a selfish Pri&* ....that's probably part of it too!

I've thought alot about what everyone has said. I am taking it all to heart. I am planning on going to Alnon..because before this selfish pri%& there was another one...the one that raised me who did EXACTLY the same thing to my mom when he got sober...well makes me feel MORE stupid and I need to know that there is hope for me. I don't want a man like this in my life and I deserve better so I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I'm making better choices in the future. Thanks again
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:19 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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I'm really sorry you are going through this. I have a song that will make you feel better YouTube - Pray for You - Jaron and The Long Road to Love :: Official Video Hope it helps!
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:37 PM
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Oooops I only read page 1 when I posted... I wasn't trying to be insensitive to how you are feeling...
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:45 PM
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His plan seems a little one sided to me. Not much compromising from him. I'd tell the kids right now, move his butt to the couch, and make a few demands. he's in no position to bargain. Put yourself first. I realize it is not in your nature to be selfish. Just try it this once.
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:50 PM
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Originally Posted by ShiningStars View Post
Oooops I only read page 1 when I posted... I wasn't trying to be insensitive to how you are feeling...
Oh I don't think that at all...

I can see how AA could be a bad thing. There is a reason there are guidelines and expected behaviors outlined. but btween you and me I think a lot of that archaic big book is crap. I read the "letter to the wives" talk about bs!

Just yesterday he told me that his buddy from AA went through the same thing and left his gf of many years and it gives him hope because his buddy says that he's happier now.

um okay....

was that supposed to make ME feel better???

I think that his group is supporting his decision...they aren't seeing the whole picture either...so hearing only what he feels and what he wants..sure it's easy to say "yeah, leave her!!! You'll feel better, you'll have more time to work your steps" and all that... they aren't really seeing EVERYTHING...so I don't know. It's all very strange to me.
I'm just praying that i can get to the point that I won't cry everytime I reach for the phone to call him and realize he really doesn't want to talk to me..even though we still live in the same house.
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:50 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Blwninthewind, hon, you are REACTING. (First thing I learned in AlAnon was how to stop doing that. So, I hope you do go.) First, though, I am very sorry you are feeling badly and crying. Don't do that; it makes your eyes puffy Seriously, I understand you are hurt and angry and you have every right to feel that way. But just take this one day at a time, OK? Especially because he is talking about August. And August is a long way from now.

Second, alcoholics, in AA and not in AA, say all SORTS of things to get a reaction out of us. And that's what you're giving him. Think for a second. With the kids and school, how much time and attention do you devote to him? Whenever I have been involved in relationships with alcoholics and addicts, my attention (and my emotions) were always directed at him in a major way. They thrive on it. They suck your energy from you and live off it. Now that you are devoting so much time, energy and attention to YOU, what else could he say or do to get your attention? It's crazy-making. And you're still letting it make you crazy. These are old patterns we all get stuck in, both the alcoholic and the partner of the alcoholic, which persist even after the alcoholic gets sober.

He may very well be trying to set things up for his own selfish purposes if and when a separation and divorce were to happen. But they are very well known for saying things that never occur. It sounds to me like he is saying things to get that reaction of FEAR and ANGER out of you. They like to keep us operating out of fear and anger, because that is the easiest way to distract us from the truth.

So, the best thing for you to do is figure out what YOU want for yourself and your life. And if that includes getting him out of your life, all the better. Try to bring your focus back to you and what you want. That helps you to ignore all the crazy **** he says and does. Also, next time he offers you the car, if you prefer THAT car, just say Yes, I want that car. And take it. Do whatever you need to do to make your life better and more comfortable. Be selfish about your comfort and happiness. But start by ignoring his QUACKING!!!

(((hugs))) stop crying now girl. You've got a lot of support and friends right here who understand what you're going through. Keep reading and posting here. You are going to be just GREAT! :ghug3
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:52 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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Just yesterday he told me that his buddy from AA went through the same thing and left his gf of many years and it gives him hope because his buddy says that he's happier now.
Aw, what a warm, sweet story he shared. QUACK!!!
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:59 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Instinctively I wanted to put him and all his $%^& out on the lawn in hefty bags
I've actually done this before. Without the hefty bags. And it was more like I THREW all his $%^& out on the lawn, not just PUT. And I tell ya', it felt GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. Never regretted it once.
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Old 02-05-2011, 07:48 PM
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Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
. but btween you and me I think a lot of that archaic big book is crap. I read the "letter to the wives" talk about bs!
FWIW, Lois (Bill W's wife, and co-founder of Al-Anon) thought the same thing. She wanted to write the chapter to wives, but BIG BILL thought HE knew better, lol. I don't think she ever QUITE forgave him for that.

My favorite story about Lois, BTW, is where she got ticked at Bill when he was running off to save the world for the umpteenth night in a row, and she threw her shoe at him, yelling, "You and your damn meetings!"

I love Lois.
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Old 02-05-2011, 07:54 PM
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Mike (one of the Moderators here on SR) can speak very informatively to most complaints I've read here about the Big Book. With any luck, maybe he will stop by and share a few words about it in response to your post Wind.
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:06 PM
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ATTORNEY!!! GO TO AN ATTORNEY. HIRE AN ATTORNEY! HIRE A PI!! You and your husband should not be negotiating anything at this point. In the very least you need to be going to couples counseling together, but before you do you MUST SEE AN ATTORNEY!!!! I cannot say this strongly enough. Just because he has the kids it is not at all automatic that you pay any child support. He may have to pay spousal support no matter who has the kids. Thinking that you will have a job and a GOOD paycheck when you graduate is quite a big hope in this economy so any kind of August date is nutty and as drop dead date. Also, you know this living situation is not good for you. YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO AN ATTORNEY!!!! A GOOD ATTORNEY! They will tell you exactly what you need to do to place yourself in the best position to get everything you want in the divorce. You also need to cover your a** in case he is running up bills on joint accts. Get a credit check done on yourself and on him as well. YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO AN ATTORNEY. Don't tell him you are meeting with an attorney. It is none of his business and he doesn't need to know you are loading for bear. This is your life and the lives of your children. From a movie I once saw "You have a divine right to protect your life and lives of your children". You cannot have a clear head now or make good decisions because your jacka** of a husband has stabbed you in the back in exchange for all your loyalty. You may think you are making good decisions, but you are too hurt. ATTORNEY!!!!!! Know your rights or you will get screwed. BTW your husband is a d**k.
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Blwninthewind, hon, you are REACTING. (First thing I learned in AlAnon was how to stop doing that. So, I hope you do go.) First, though, I am very sorry you are feeling badly and crying. Don't do that; it makes your eyes puffy Seriously, I understand you are hurt and angry and you have every right to feel that way. But just take this one day at a time, OK? Especially because he is talking about August. And August is a long way from now.

Second, alcoholics, in AA and not in AA, say all SORTS of things to get a reaction out of us. And that's what you're giving him. Think for a second. With the kids and school, how much time and attention do you devote to him? Whenever I have been involved in relationships with alcoholics and addicts, my attention (and my emotions) were always directed at him in a major way. They thrive on it. They suck your energy from you and live off it. Now that you are devoting so much time, energy and attention to YOU, what else could he say or do to get your attention? It's crazy-making. And you're still letting it make you crazy. These are old patterns we all get stuck in, both the alcoholic and the partner of the alcoholic, which persist even after the alcoholic gets sober.

He may very well be trying to set things up for his own selfish purposes if and when a separation and divorce were to happen. But they are very well known for saying things that never occur. It sounds to me like he is saying things to get that reaction of FEAR and ANGER out of you. They like to keep us operating out of fear and anger, because that is the easiest way to distract us from the truth.

So, the best thing for you to do is figure out what YOU want for yourself and your life. And if that includes getting him out of your life, all the better. Try to bring your focus back to you and what you want. That helps you to ignore all the crazy **** he says and does. Also, next time he offers you the car, if you prefer THAT car, just say Yes, I want that car. And take it. Do whatever you need to do to make your life better and more comfortable. Be selfish about your comfort and happiness. But start by ignoring his QUACKING!!!

(((hugs))) stop crying now girl. You've got a lot of support and friends right here who understand what you're going through. Keep reading and posting here. You are going to be just GREAT! :ghug3
You know your right! But the strangest thing just happened ...I was reading your post and I when I got to the part about August being a long time off...I actually said out loud "August can't get here fast enough for me!" and I realized that I'm done. I'm out. I can't do the crazy $%^& he keeps putting me through...whether he's drunk OR sober. So he can say or do whatever he wants...do his best to manipulate the situation all he wants but I'm preparing myself and my kids to move on. I don't care what he thinks. He said this was what he wanted...so I can hardly be at fault for giving him the divorce he wants or says he wants. Even if he changes HIS mind...mine is made up!

I bet you $5 he's going to do a 360 within the next few months but it's already too late for him. I've done my time and I'm ready to be the selfish one and say that I'm not willing to settle for ANYONE less than I deserve.

I say good riddance....but of course I'll be crying tomorrow (or later tonight) but still...I know a good thing and I can finally see the light at the end of a long dark tunnel and dangit...I'm going for the light!!!!!!
Thank you for your kind words.
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:13 PM
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I like this. I agree completely.

There is no such thing as an "easy" or "painless" divorce once there is an alcoholic and/or children in the mix. A friend of mine recently divorced at it was smooth. No kids, no alcohol problems. She found another. Easy.

the choices you make today can have years long lasting consequences.

Perhaps you should go see an attorney.
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:15 PM
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repeatedly wide ranging studies have shown that the number one most common factor in recovery is a supportive spouse.
My X used that study as a way to put pressure on me to come back to him because "odds for recovery are radically worse for people who don't have the support of their spouse." (I had to remind him that he no longer had a spouse.) I was kind of scratching my head over why on earth a therapist would tell a bunch of newly sober As that, given their (the As' ) tendency to put the burden to handle everything on their spouses/family anyway?
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:16 PM
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Originally Posted by kilt View Post
ATTORNEY!!! GO TO AN ATTORNEY. HIRE AN ATTORNEY! HIRE A PI!! You and your husband should not be negotiating anything at this point. In the very least you need to be going to couples counseling together, but before you do you MUST SEE AN ATTORNEY!!!! I cannot say this strongly enough. Just because he has the kids it is not at all automatic that you pay any child support. He may have to pay spousal support no matter who has the kids. Thinking that you will have a job and a GOOD paycheck when you graduate is quite a big hope in this economy so any kind of August date is nutty and as drop dead date. Also, you know this living situation is not good for you. YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO AN ATTORNEY!!!! A GOOD ATTORNEY! They will tell you exactly what you need to do to place yourself in the best position to get everything you want in the divorce. You also need to cover your a** in case he is running up bills on joint accts. Get a credit check done on yourself and on him as well. YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO AN ATTORNEY. Don't tell him you are meeting with an attorney. It is none of his business and he doesn't need to know you are loading for bear. This is your life and the lives of your children. From a movie I once saw "You have a divine right to protect your life and lives of your children". You cannot have a clear head now or make good decisions because your jacka** of a husband has stabbed you in the back in exchange for all your loyalty. You may think you are making good decisions, but you are too hurt. ATTORNEY!!!!!! Know your rights or you will get screwed. BTW your husband is a d**k.
yea, I think he is a pr$%k to most of the time.
I don't want to jump the gun. I think we'll be okay. He's to scared of my parents to really try to screw me over....and he should be..lol
but thanks.
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:20 PM
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Good lord, is Kilt an ambulance chaser?
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