Originally Posted by Learn2Live

OMG I just realized, this is probably the reason I have always felt sorry for guys and made myself crazy (and broke) trying to help them!!!

Originally Posted by Learn2Live

Floss, hon, I just want to point out something about this:

Thinking this way has huge implications not good for that little girl. Or any child of an alcoholic. It is simply not true. Alcoholics choose to drink alcohol, and continue to drink alcohol, because they are alcoholics. It has NOTHING to do with ANYONE but THEMSELVES. Your daughter is learning from you. And your operating under this fallacy of thought will teach her that his drinking DOES have something to do with her (I am not blaming or criticizing you). Continuing to operate out of this thought process (your behaviors and actions) now, will reflect an attitude that his choices are directly related to who she is.

Thanks L2L. When I speak to DD about it, I do tell her it's a disease and not a choice. It took me a long time to even half accept it's a disease and at times I still struggle with that. I will always protect my child's emotional and mental health by not allowing my struggles to fully accept it's a disease to reflect what I tell her. In saying that, I'm very aware that 93% of all communication is non-verbal and kids pick up on words unspoken. So, from this respect, I've got a long way to go in accepting my ex has no choice because he's an alcoholic. And yet, there are alcoholics who do choose to go into recovery. As you said, it has nothing to do with anyone but themselves. And therein lies the problem for me. Unfortunately this diseased state of being means that the centre of an alcoholics world is their alcohol and protecting their right to drink is their priority and not their family or even their own health.


As an ACOA, one of the most difficult of my thought processes to change (which dictated my M.O. in nearly all relationships) was the "poor, hurt me with the alcoholic Dad who never did or gave me anything, different from everyone else, everyone should feel sorry for me" kind of thinking. As difficult as it may be, try to accept that he is NOT choosing alcohol over her. This may require a change in your ideas of what a father SHOULD be. Try to accept that he is doing the best he can do as a parent, tell him how you want him to behave ONCE, and then let it go.


I'm an ACOA too. And I know I have a lot of work to do in this area. My father was the alcoholic who left us when I was six on Christmas Day. My mother was a very abusive narcissist. It's a miracle any of us lived through that kind of abuse to tell the tale. My father went to court to prevent our mother from taking us out of the country and he brought up wanting to gain custody of us because he knew the abuse we were in for as he went through it too. He was stabbed with scissors, broken beer bottles, you name it. During a court counselling session (and remember, we're going back to the 70's too where men had no real rights to the children other than limited contact), he was asked how he could possibly care for us since he was an alcoholic. He gave up fighting this as he felt there was no use. At the same time, he did nothing to try and stop drinking and he moved a long, long way away, leaving us isolated with our crazy, violent mother. He has been 9.5 years sober now and he's in AA. We are close to a degree and yet, I know I still carry these issues. Once last year, RAF said he felt guilty for leaving us there and for the problems I am now having with my ex A's. I told him I'm a grown up now and it's not his fault. As for fathers, I believe they should be there to protect and raise their child/ren if they claim to love them not just eat, root and leave. Sometimes this isn't possible if they're being alienated from their children by their ex-wife or there's some other issue preventing such a relationship. I understand alcoholism is one of these issues. Do they become so brain damaged or is the compulsion to drink so high that getting their next hit becomes their one and only focus?

There is nothing for you to feel sorry for your child about, even if she is just little. Let her feel what she feels, acknowledge those feelings verbally and physically, but don't dwell on consoling her. There are a lot of wonderful things that a 4-year old can focus on other than what her alcoholic parent is doing. You are so doing the right thing by not forcing her to grow up with an alcoholic in the home! :ghug3

Originally Posted by Learn2Live

Sorry Floss ,didn't mean to hijack.

Originally Posted by LexieCat

Thanks for that reminder, L2L.

It isn't like the alcoholic sits there with the bottle in one hand and the photo of the child in the other and simply chooses the bottle.

Not to make light of this, but my ex actually does that. He sits there drunk, drink in one hand, photo/s of DD in the other. He ended up laminating the photos because the beer and bourbon spillage was ruining them.

It isn't that simple. It is a horrible, wracking compulsion. On some level, the alcoholic is aware of the harm he is doing, but is powerless to do anything about it. Usually alcoholics heap guilt on themselves, and use it to rationalize continuing to drink. ("I'm no good, let me numb those feelings away.")

Kids have the right to feel sad and mad when a parent abandons them through alcoholism, but we don't want them growing up to see themselves as little victims. We want them to grow up knowing that they ARE worthwhile people and weren't consciously rejected by the alcoholic parent. It's just that mom's or dad's sickness is so bad they can't be the parent they should be. And yeah, it isn't fair, but lots of things in life aren't fair. We can choose our own responses to the unfair things in life.

Originally Posted by Learn2Live

Sometimes I re-engage because I WANT something so badly in my heart, that it convinces my mind that I can get it.