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Why did I conform to fit someone's elses wants and needs?

Old 02-05-2011, 07:51 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=Learn2Live;2854216]--

Honestly, I could probably write a good three pages or more listing all the ways I conformed to someone else's idea of who and what I should be. But ultimately, what I know (now) is that I can't allow myself to be manipulated and controlled anymore. I take responsibility for the role I played in all these relationships.
-It is up to me to build and maintain my self-esteem so that I don't compare myself to others anymore.
-It is up to me to parent myself, to take care of me, and to maintain a relationship with my Higher Power, so that during times of stress I do not run to other people to take care of my needs.
-It is up to me to know what I want out of my life, and to do the work that will get me there, instead of giving it over to someone else.
-It is up to me to maintain my sobriety and avoid the people, places and things that "make" me drink. It is up to me to avoid participating in activities that I will regret later on.
-It is up to me to know what is my responsibility and what is someone else's, and not to do or spend money on what I do not own.
-It is up to me to know what is within my control and what is not, and not accept responsibility for, or try to change, that which is not within my control.
-It is up to me to remain aware of the games people play, and to avoid toxic people.
[QUOTE]

This is pure gold.
Thanks so much for this!:ghug3
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Old 02-05-2011, 07:59 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by duqld1717 View Post
Did everyone know from Day 1 that their partner or ex partner was an alcoholic?
No way...although in the early days we hung out at the bar! LOL! But everyone did in college (it felt like).
He drank. I saw that, but he didn't overdrink. I saw him visibly drunk maybe 2x in all the time I knew him.
But as the relationship progressed, I denied the issues I saw.
I came across hidden bottles, he gave me a BS excuse and I bought it.
I came across empties in his car, he gave me a BS excuse, I bought it.
He lied about smoking, I caught him, he cried and promised to change and I accepted that (felt sorry for him, even and felt closer because of it).
I've learned alot about myself in this process...and am still learning!
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:29 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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THis thread obviously is striking a chord with me! (Particularly your comments, L2L!)

Things that lead me to give myself up/people please

1. Jealousy/comparison/feeling "less than": someone is/was so great, I think I should be that great. If I am not, i have to deny that I am less than they because to admit I can't do what they did or do means I am not good enough. If their skills were so loveable and I don't have them, I must be unloveable, not good enough, not valuable. This comparison can come from others or I can generate myself. If either deny my issues or just strive to be enough. This happens often at work.
Healthy response: Let go of expecting myself to be like someone else. Accept my issues and limits and find means to support my success around my limitations.

2. Pity: They are so sad, stuck, powerless, miserable, or helpless that I pity them and don't have the heart to demand what I need or expect anything from them. My AH pulls this sometimes.
Helathy response: Get clear on a) my needs and b) my expectations and stick to it, regardless of external response

3. Guilt/responsibility: they say its my fault or are just plain mad or upset. Immediately, I begin to figure out what I can do to please them or fix it.
Healthy response: I keep ahold of myself. Observe my fear at their upset. Stay conscious! Asses what is mine and what is their junk. Self soothe. Choose my actions or response.

4. Low self worth/obediance: Someone is bossy (or literally, my boss...or an older man) and I can't seem to do anything other than automatically please and comply
Healthy response: Keep ahold of myself and stay conscious. Observe my desire to please. Self soothe. Choose my actions or response.

Boy, there is work to do there! I find it interesting that this shows up at work and in my primary relationship. I feel a need to "make them like me" in all cases. I think this is a combination of my dad having left when I was 5 and having a hard time fitting in at school.
While I love alot about myself and feel I have alot of strengths, the little kid in me is DESPERATE to be liked, validated, told she is enough and valued. She is SURE she is going to be found out to be unloveable, unlikeable, a problem, a drag, not good enough.

Good stuff.
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:08 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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So very interesting!

I had no idea what an alcoholic acted like. Sure, we watched days of wine and roses and who's afraid of virginia wolf in high school, but that stuff didn't stick because I wasn't around alcholism ever to my knowledge growing up.
I was clueless, and it was a LDR.
And it was so obvious to anyone who was paying attention and wasn't completely naive like me.

But--the kicker is--look at how many women on this thread have "daddy issues". Reread this thread if you don't remember--I'm not going to quote them all.
Gulp.
Add me to the list.
My ex looks, acts, and talks like my father. My mother and some siblings pointed it out immediately how very similar he looked to my dad.
My dad didn't drink, but he was an abusive tyrant.
And when I failed a second time to make that intimacy connection and get it right--it darn near killed me.
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:21 AM
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If their skills were so loveable and I don't have them, I must be unloveable, not good enough, not valuable. This comparison can come from others or I can generate myself. If either deny my issues or just strive to be enough. This happens often at work.
Healthy response: Let go of expecting myself to be like someone else. Accept my issues and limits and find means to support my success around my limitations.

I find it interesting that this shows up at work
This shows up for me at work a lot too. I've learned that a lot of it has to do with the culture in a particular workplace. It also has to do with the thoughts, actions and behaviors of the boss. I do not do well with bosses who see subordinates as people who they must control, people who are "less than," or there to serve them.

I have great difficulty with bosses who pass the buck and blame those who work in subordinate positions for what is not working. I could go on forever about this but the long and short of it for me is, wherever I FEEL there is toxicity, there is usually blame, shame and finger-pointing coming from someone, usually someone of "authority" in the workplace. All the usual mechanisms of sickness we deal with and talk about every day with alcoholics and drug addicts in our lives can also exist at work. (Is there no escape from this madness??? ) Just because someone has a JOB, does not mean they are not SICK. Some bosses are not sick. Some are. I run from sick people.
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:59 AM
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You know I can't really remember my moment when I realized I was one. I was a binge drinker and so my first drunk experience, I remembered thinking I had "found it." It was only once every couple of months...then once a month...then every couple of weeks...then almost once a week. When I started dating him, I do remember the moment I realized it had become everyday. It was a sunday afternoon and I was passing out on his couch around 4-5 in the afternoon like I had done for a few Sundays in a row. I'm not sure I thought about it much...I was just doing it. Kind of like how you get up everyday and take a shower and go to work.

Because he was a happy drunk, I never thought he would become mean. But a "happy drunk" isn't really happy. That's just a mask.

And then we were fighting all the time. And week after week I would think, maybe next time I won't say that wrong thing or I won't react to him getting mad at me or whatever. (it was an abusive relationship.) And I finally had this moment where I realized that you just can't make a relationship work on alcohol. It sounds so stupid now, but at the time I just couldn't wrap my head around that. Because it's legal and so many people drink, for some reason I thought there was nothing weird about what I was doing. Crazy huh? Guess that was the denial.

Now that I'm sober and so far away from it, I can't believe I was doing that!!
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